Forgive and Forget

I just read someones blog that I don't normally read. http://cheaters-and-cheated.blogspot.com/ is definitely a sad story. I found something interesting though that made me think.

In reviewing the comments posted several people mentioned the concept of forgiving and forgetting. The general consensus is that if you can't forgive AND forget you may as well bag the whole thing.

But is it?

I have always been the person who forgives and forgets. Once I make the decision to let it go, it's gone. This is the main reason I have the ability to remain friends with almost ALL of my ex's including one specific relationship that I am not too proud of.

So it brings to the forefront the question - "can one forgive but not forget"? I have two members of my family that can't. Ironically they aren't speaking to each other at the moment either. And no it's not a coincidence.

My personal answer here is, I can, but what to do about those that can't??? Do I a)continue on trying to repair the relationship or do I b)just bag it or do I c) continue on and not worry about what they do.

I have chosen option "C". Once I am done and let it go, I continue on with the relationship and work at it. Eventually I may bag it due to lack of reciprocity but I will give it my all until I have had enough. I have a long fuse. This is what works best for me and truth be told I would feel like a failure if I just walked away without an effort. So this is what I am working at continuing. I like this trait in me, and no one gets to tell me it's bad or wrong.

It makes me curious though. Since my true closest friends are the forgive and forget types ( regardless of the infraction by the way), I don't really deal with the other except for those family members that are like that. And trust me - that's accommodated BECAUSE it's family. So my curiosity on this is simply, how do you hold onto all that baggage and still function? I mean, seriously? It seems like it would be A LOT to have to mentally file through when deciding if you are going to open up to a new person. It also seems to be a lot of work to have a friend who may have made a mistake that hurt you or made you angry and have to keep filtering how you deal with them. It almost seems dishonest in a way. You know what you CAN talk about and you know what you CAN'T talk about. I don't think with true friends you should have to filter subject matter.

I find it infinitely more peaceful to forget the bad in the past and work towards a future of good. But there's something to be said for forgiveness but not forgetting what was done - IF YOU CAN LEARN FROM IT. But if all you are doing it holding onto the past hurt or infraction for self protection, not only didn't you learn from it, but it tends to make you bitter and angry when you come across that again. You also run the risk of never being able to completely open up to another person.

Which brings me again to my dear Maple Mama. In one her comments to my post this week, she became my memory. She remembered how I can open up willingly and give of myself to another person because she has seen me do it. This is part of it. I thank goodness she remembers these things, because it reminded me that I CAN do this and I CAN open up to others. I just have to go with my instincts and be the person that I am supposed to be, not the person that others want me to be. In other words, when I open up and get hurt, I have to forgive, forget and move on. Mourn the loss and put it away on the shelf. Dust it off when I am ready to examine it clinically for a learning purpose. I used to do it, Maplemama has seen it so clearly there's proof there. As weird as it sounds, I usually wake up one day and the world is right again and happy and I have moved on.

One of the forgive-but-not-forget family members would love nothing more than for me to be like them. This person spends a lot of time being negative and expecting the worst in everyone. I don't view people like that. I never did. But I have spent a lot of time with this person and I started to realize that I was viewing people very critically and expecting to be disappointed. And I didn't like it much. So I let that go and went back to being me. It helped that during that time my childhood best friend and I were talking quite a good deal, which is really cool by the way, and as she has a tendency to be cautious and I am the optimistic one, it really helped me gain my perspective back. She always said that I see the good in people. She's right I do. I just have to keep being me.

What a concept.

By the way, here's a picture of Lena ( my child hood best friend), our first boyfriend, Kyle and I at my 4th birthday party. Look, I even have a tiara - I was a contessa even then. Just ask my mother.