A revelation

I have to work.

I know this.

But I discovered in looking for posts on line tonight that I don't know if I want to go back and do what I did.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how much I don't want it to be true, I am completely burned out of that job.

I look at postings for jobs I Should be suited for, and probably am, and I have this horrible aversion to hitting the "apply" button. I just don't want it. My gut is SCREAMING at me.

oh to be young again and say " I want to be a princess when I grow up" .

Burnout is a scary thing. Not working is also a scary thing. Simply put, I'm kind of like a deer caught in the crosshairs of life.

A short post tonight. but I think you all get the gyst of where I am coming from.

The universe and it's messages

It's really interesting.

When something happens to you that on the surface looks bad, how do you react? What does it mean?

I recently found myself on the receiving end of the 11AM phone call on a RIF day. I have only heard about it up to then and I have to tell you it's every bit as bad as you think it's going to be.

For me, the worst part is how it tore my boss apart to have to make that call to not one of his team leads ( me) but both. He lost his top two producers that day and the team is likely to be disbanded before the year is out.

For the past two decades I have had two phases of my career. The first 10 years, I affectionately refer to as my 20's I look back at on my 30th birthday. I was unhappy with the look of my life. Work was my only priority. I gave up things in favor of my job.

That job ending ,a month before I turned 30, forced me to evaluate what I was doing and what direction I wanted my life to go in. I got my new job which had me commuting to NYC each day and I was worshipped and revered by my company and clients.

That was 2 weeks AFTER I turned 30. A total of 6 weeks out of work. I never even filed for unemployment!

Of course, the economy was better. At least initially. I managed to work at MCI after it turned into WCOM and we all know how THAT ended, then back to MCI then Verizon then VerizonBusiness.

Turning 40 and having lost my job a month later in an economy that is so poor and frightening right now, made me review my life and my choices.

I have a lot of fear in me. I was always a fearful child. I didn't like change - I still don't.

I was afraid that as the primary household breadwinner, now out of work, my household would collapse. It didn't.

I was afraid my partner was secretly only here for the money - he isn't.

I was afraid that losing my job was somehow my fault - it wasn't.

I was afraid that unemployment would turn me down - they didn't.

I am afraid that the money will run out. Jon had a plan. A good one. And without my knowledge or discussion met me and some friends for what I affectionately refer to as our Pub crawl last week and started talking to restaurants about himself and us. We can earn money with our music.

He decided that I was right about that business. Merge my performing and teaching with his performing and voila - a business has formed.

We are not yet incorporated though that is in discussion and a plan is being worked out - but what we are doing in preparation for that day, is collecting our receipts and creating a business plan and operating as if we were already incorporated.

Being the finance and VP to be - I am being VERY prudent with the package I got. I paid off the car - I own it fully now. We use it as the primary vehicle except for gigs because it is the car that's in better condition and newer. I paid all the insurance for the year - homeowners and car. All other bills are current or ahead.

Financially we are somewhat secure. For awhile.

I continue every day to network and try to find a job while working at the new business with additional fervor.

For me, the issue is still change. I'm less afraid of it now. Jon doesn't let me get afraid, he jumps ahead and anticipates my reaction - as much as he can. Its still hit or miss but I can't deny it has made this life transition so much easier in many respects.

We have joined the Rec Center here in town and I now work out several times a week. We got his bike fixed so we can ride together. We go to concerts or bands and hang with our friends a couple of nights a week. I am amazed at how free this feels and I am actually enjoying this time more than I thought.

Don't get me wrong, I still stress. The relationship has taken a few hits of late requiring some additional work when things crop up. You can't be the age the two of us are and not have some shit back up on you! It's not even possible.

The thing that backs up on us most, believe it or not, is miscommunication. And some trust. I won't go out there and say there isn't trust, but I always thought the trust problem was mine and I discovered that it wasn't. We are working through that by communicating and laughter. Sometimes there's yelling and sometimes there are tears - largely frustration. But we try every day in every way.

His health is still a priority with me and we now have a medicaid advocate. In two hours she was able to solve problems that took us months of red tape - she's amazing and we love her. She's the mom of an up and coming musician and her husband is a musician friend of ours as well.

My health is a priority with him as well and we work on solutions for my skin all the time.

I don't recall the last time I took time like this for myself to enjoy and just be. It's wonderful and amazing and a little bit scary. But I kind of like it and being with Jon enables me to work through change so that it's less scary.

I know that things will work out for me in the future, but for now, I'm having some fun for a change.

When it rains it pours

You know - today was OK. Jon and I went to see the new Harry Potter. It was wonderful. no spoilers here so don't ask.

I am having a hard time motivating myself to shake the walls of my company for a new job. Other than that....

So while we were driving to the theater his cell rang. Didn't know the number so he didn't answer. When we got there early he listened to the message and realized who it was. Old friend. Needs to talk. OK.

During the movie, phone vibrates again - he looks but doesn't answer.

On the way home he says something is amiss as both friends called within an hour of one another.

We picked up laundry and lunch. We got home and he called the first one back. 20 minutes later, he hangs up the phone looks at me and says "Yes it's as bad as you think it is".

My foreboding was right. Again.

One his friends has a substance abuse problem. It's time to intervene. they kept JOn out as much as possible. We can't have this person in our home, only because we don't have the room. This crew is in toxic overload since 3 of them died in the past 5 years. Everyone is roughly in their 40's. Very tough time.

THey are letting it ride through the weekend and then Monday they will tackle it in earnest.

ordinarily we wouldn't take this on. The circumstances are unusual and I can't get into those details, but this one has had a foot on the slippery slope of sub abuse for a long time. Since the first of the three passed. Jon's bro was number 2 and 4 months later Marie.

There's some that need grief counseling. THey are trying to save everyone because they can't take another death. It's a lot of pressure.

It took my mind off my worries for a short time but to be honest - I tend to be a bit of a hardass in these things. Tough love believe it or not. But for a few minutes in the beginning, I said to Jon that I felt so badly that this person hurt this much that this was their only consolation. He was surprised but agreed.

Life is not for faint of heart!

Waiting to exhale

Today was about me.

I woke up and realized it was Wednesday. And this was bad.

I hadn't logged into my company website since Friday. And had no desire to do so.

And didn't.

At 11:30 I called my boss. When I got no response on his landline and his company cell was disconnected I discovered on Tues, I got nervous.

I called HR. I didn't want to - those folks get sensitivity training from Hitler I think. Or GWB. Either way, I really really really didn't want to do this.

But the package is on a timer and each day I don't have it gives me the idea that I will be docked for that. Realistically they can't do that but this company is not known for fair.

I call them and they can't tell me anything. And for one breif moment, I think - wow it's all a mistake!

Then they called back.

At the exact moment the buzzer rang.

The package had arrived.

I opened it, scanned it, made sure the contents matched what I was told would be there and prepared for a bike ride.

I rode for about 45 minutes. Mostly to test my ankle as it is healing slower than I would like.

I returned home and spoke to my boss who gave me the news that not only did they take me from him, they took my right hand from him too. That's a major blow.

I reviewed the document and there's a curious thing in my state. If you are over a certain age, the law states that you have to be advised of exaclty what positions where cut, how many people and the age of those people.

This cut was HUGE. It went deep. Deeper than I think they can afford. But what do I know.

I did the toughest thing - I told the family. They handled it well because I was.

Then I went and had a massage.

Now I feel a bit better.

It's been a LONG time coming

Hello friends.

If any of you are still reading me, bless your hearts because I have been blog dark for months. I was inconsistent at best before that.

I would ordinarily offer up my apologies but I am no longer offering apologies for those things that I cannot control.

There is so much to tell you I do not know where to start so I will start with the most recent events and go backwards from there.

I was laid off from my position with a major telecom firm that I have been with through the darkest and ugliest of times over the past decade.

It's probably one of the worst things next to losing my dad that I have had to go through that is truly permanent.

Not only am I officially unemployed in the worst economy in my lifetime, I am unemployed as the primary source of income in my household.

Aside from the financial issues, there are the emotional and self esteem issues that go with it. Why me? Why Now?

I have no answers for any of this but I can tell you that I am angry. I am hurt and I am scared witless.

But if I am honest with myself, I am mostly burnt out. This job no longer presented me with a sense of accomplishment. It no longer provided me with a sense of urgency and care for my customers. They were suffering at my hand due to indifference.

Which brings me to indifference. Hate is usually equated as the opposite of love. It is not. Indifference? That's the true opposite of love. I once loved my job, the last few months, I was indifferent to it. Effective yes... indifferent MOST DEFINETLY.

So I am now sitting here and trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Which has to be reasonably soon. While I SHOULD receive a gorgeous package - it's not here yet. So until I have it in my hands, I am assuming nothing.

My life is complicated and when one thing fails, the all fail. I am afraid that this will send Jon bolting ( to his credit he's not planning anything like that - that's just me and my personal insecurities), I haven't told my family yet, and I am embarassed beyond capacity. Frightened in ways that defy description and those are two things that don't happen frequently.

I will keep you posted and I promise to write more. I have a lot to tell you all and I promise to backtrack and fill you in while moving this forward.

Best to you all and I hope you stick around to read!

I know I know

Yes it's been a month.

I have never been away this long.

I have a lot on my mind and a lot on my soul. The major trouble for me is writing. I can write - we know that - but I have trouble even putting inot words the things that are in my head, written on me heart and engraved on my soul.

So, as Julie Andrews says, Lets start at the very beginning.

My name is the Contessa and I have a weight issue.

That was easy.

The good news is - I already know and I am doing something else about it.

The bad news is I can't blink like Jeannie and make it go away.

I am adding more cardio to my life in addition to the pilates and I am controlling my portions better. Added more water, veggies and slowed my eating pace down.

Knowing that this is a boring topic for me.... we shall move on.

I am worried about Jon and he is worried about me. IN addition to that he is worried about me worrying about him. How's THAT for a twist?

Please, for those that know my facial expressions - insert eye roll here.

So here's the good stuff that happened.

The band started back successfully - 3 out 4 gigs. One rain out. They were good and the rain out was timely. We had a death in the family and needed that day off as it was.

Don't misunderstand: Fifi's death was sad, too soon and a major surprise. But it did bring all of Jon and his old buddies back together for something that wasn't related to his brother.

So we needed the rainout to take care of that.

Here's the other good part - they are all accepting me. His family and his oldest friends. These were challenging to me. Big time. but I feel really good about it. The family loves me now. I love them right back. HIs friends ( this crew) just met me so I expect nothing - but the followup was just lovely.

Things are moving at a really slow pace but moving. I don't care if this is not the normal run of things - it works for us. that's what matters.

I am trying to decide how to move forward with this blog. so bear with me on the transition. It's not over yet.

No more treatment

I'm frightened.

I'm actually frightened.

There is a lump on his throat. He has appts to have the scans done. All the right things.

But....

He has decided, at this time, no more chemo and no more radiation.

We are altering diet and excerize - for both of us - and adding in the things that will assist us in making a transition into a cancer fighting diet.

We have added Supplements and eliminating cow dairy at this point. Limiting red meat and eating more fish and chicken. More fresh Veggies and fruits.

But I won't lie and tell you that this is the answer.

Of course at this point - we don't even know that there is something to worry about.

But I do anyway.

Are We really Grownups?

In the media, we always hear the stories of men who go to sleep in a drunken stupor after weeks of partying and wake up next to a wife and 3 kids and wonder how on earth they got there.

It should not come as any surprise that this happens to women too.

I just woke up the other day and realized that I am coming up on 40 years old. I am tired and burnt out of my primary job. I am the caretaker of a cancer patient who is starting to rebel against treatment and taking care of himself. My eczema is out of control though it's trying to make it's way back.

I looked around at my friends. People I used to stay out to all hours of the night, people who drunkenly stood on chairs with lampshades on their heads, friends who kept me up all night crying about this man or that woman - who broke their heart.

They are all married with kids now.

I saw a comedian. I can't remember his name but he's in nine million films. The two favorite roles that come to mind are the kiss-ass sales guy in pretty Woman and the father in !0 things I hate about you ( otherwise known as The TAming of the Shrew).

This guys stand up is so incredibly funny. He does a bit where he's talking to his friends newborn. He's looking as if into a crib and speaking as if to a baby.

"Hi there - did you know I used to hold your dad's head while he threw up??? Did you know it was YESTERDAY?"

He goes on to say that he is unclear how anyone that he knows is allowed to have children - without a permit or anything. No test??? Are you kidding???

I never laughed so hard.

But it did get me to thinking about some things.

Forty is a big birthday and a big number. Have a led an honorable life? Have I done anything to be proud of?

Logically the answer is yes to both. Emotionally, I feel like I have forgotten to put on my underwear before leaving the house. I feel like I forgot to do something. I can't REMEMBER what it is.

Growing older to date has been a gentle process for me. THis one is starting to freak me out a bit. I feel like there is too much at stake and too much I didn't do.

And I"m scared.

You see - We found another lump. It's on his throat. It's not large. But it's prominent enough to see. I got him to make his doctor appts today.

I'm worried, I'm stressed and I'm scared. Oh and a little bit pissed because his radiologist office called the house today claiming they have been trying to reach him and no resonspe fo r WEEKS!!!

WEEKS!!!!!

As I felt my head explode inside, I calmly picked up the phone and called him. My call was not taken ( big surprise) so I lef the information on his voice mail. I also sent him a text message as well.

He walked in 10 minutes later and I handed him the phone and said "Call them. NOW".

And he did.

I complained that I have the opposite of the midas touch to him tonight. He looked at me and hugged me tight. He said " I don't see that - I have doc appts I wouldn't have made if you hadn't gotten on me. That's major."

It's being a grown-up.

Since when did I become the adult? He's 12 years older than me and I am constantly on him about getting things done. Thats not me. I'm the one content to sit on the couch and watch movies when I should be doing the dishes!

We all grow up at our own pace.

But 40 is still scary. For now.

What's wrong with your face?

I swear.

If one more person - stranger or friend - asks me that - I will not be held responsible for my actions.

Are you aware that 1 out of 3 Americans suffer from Eczema to one degree or another? Mine is relatively severe, right now, but generally low to moderate.

I have literally spent 10's of thousands of dollars on over the counter drugs and creams and lotions and tried every medically endorsed treatment known to man.

What astounds me is that with those kinds of numbers out there, people would, in general, be more, oh, I don't know, SENSITIVE?


In the course of one day I had 2 people who live in my building ask me in the following manner:

1. "You're getting a late start - where are you heading? Acupuncture? for pain? Eczema? my brother has that, he uses a salve for the past 5 years that has worked wonders. I'll get you the name.

(Pssst - I lead with the good one - they go downhill from here!)

2. "Are you burned? I mean, did you burn your face? I'm just ASKING! ( My reaction was no - why would you think I was Burned?)

By the time I left my building I was starting to feel frustrated so it should come as no surprise that when I got the grocery store and was reaching for a package of chicken, a mother said to me -"Should you be handling food without gloves?" and then to her child "Don't stare - she can't help it."

I seriously wanted to punch her in the face. And I'm not violent.

So by the time I got to the checkout and the woman behind me said "Did you stay in the steam room too long?" I was, to no one's surprise, less than pleasant in my response. She accused me of rudeness but backed off when I asked her how she would feel if I asked her how far along in her pregnancy she was ( she wasn't).

You see, the old adage of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" no longer prevails. It's sad, but true.

I finally hit rock bottom and told Jon that my biggest fear here is that people will shy away from touching me. THat I will repulse people to the point that I will become a hermit.

He, with tears in his eyes, looked at me and said "I only see a beautiful woman". Of course that sent me to tears. We sat on the couch holding one another for what seemed like hours. He couldn't wash away the day or the pain, but he damn well tried.

The next day, we were meeting a classmate of his who had my dad in school also. I had not met her in person as she lives in Ohio. She was visiting and wanted to have lunch. He beat me to the diner by about 10 minutes ( I was teaching and heading straight there). In that time, he warned her about my skin and the recent emotional strain it's caused me.

Since she and I only have an email relationship until that day, neither one of us knew what the other looked like.

I sat down in the booth next to Jon and she looked at me - after having hugged me - and put her hand over mine and said "I'm sorry you inherited your dad's eczema".

Now THAT was a great response. Because even though she was coached one the situation, she handled it by acknowledging it, being sympathetic, getting it out of the way early and then we relaxed into the meal.

I have never had this take this long to rally and correct. I am having stressful situations set me back and i understand that. I am needing to exercize more but can't because the salt in the sweat causes unbelievable pain. I am going to see if walking the beach will help.

I am doing acupuncture in addition to the Aveeno, Arbonne, Curel, Aquaphor and the mulitude of prescription creams not to mention the Allegra, hydroxyzine and xyzal I take orally. I have a mousse for my scalp and I use a sugar scrub and essential oils in Lavendar. I have 1000 count egyption cotton sheets on the bed and the bedroom temp is cool.

Right now my face is fairly clear. My hands are the worst. my feet too. Not a surpise as circulation wise they are the furthest from my heart.

Honestly. I was blessed that growing up I never knew how disfiguring this was. If I saw someone afflicted I would never DREAM of mentioning it. I never realized that the disfigurement would apply to me, but it does. It was a hard realization to come to.

The worst times are night times. THe minute I start to relax the itching starts. Nothing stops that freight train once it's rolling out of the station. I take a lot of sleep aids and allergy aids, but I get very little sleep. In reality I got from 7-8 hours per night to 2-3 at a time. I eat less because I am in pain. I fidget more because I can't get comfortable. It's really unpleasant.

It is getting better, it's just taking way too much time.

Welcome to my world of eczema.

Write your worries away

It started out as a method to help my best friend through a difficult time with her child.

You see - she has a child in Kindergarten. She is an angel at home and a demon in school. Her twin is a demon at home and an angel in school.

School/demon child has gotten naughty notes sent home to the tune of about 3 a month. Largely for defiance. She tends to do things her way on her time table. In kindergarten - that doesn't really work.

Long and short - on a Friday, my best friend was called and told that her child was in danger of suspension. From Kindergarten. Yes seriously.

Oh did I mention the child has special needs?

The worst of it is the administration and teachers asked the child if she understood what suspension meant. She's 5. It's unconscionable.

So here it is a Friday, my best friend was going to end up worrying her weekend away. We had standing plans for game night, but that was only one evening....

So I told her to get a notebook and as each point in her mind came up, to write it in the notebook and forget about it.

Her meeting was scheduled for Tues. I told her on Monday morning to pull out the notebook and review her "worry list" and make a point by point list of the useful things for this meeting.

I realized tonight that I am weary. Beyond tired - I'm mentally just ... weary.

I am juggling a lot of balls in the air and it's getting harder and harder to keep them all up there.

So I decided to use my personal journal as a "worry list". But I will give you the short list here as an example and maybe it will enable me to let it go so I can sleep.

1. I have to go to court on Friday. I have a lot of things to prepare before I go and I have never been to court before in my life.
2. Money is tight. 'nuff said
3. My family is pressuring me to conform to their expectations of what my relationship should be - without going into a lot of details here, this is making me insane.
4. Jon's mom is back on her kick about is psychiatric health - this concerns me. In fact - just lump all of his health in there.
5. I am not a strong enough person to tell my father's widow that I simply cannot participate in the garbage dumping, bitch sessions gossippy crap that she calls a conversation or "blowing off steam". I am simply put - weary of the same line of conversation - the oinly thing that changes are the names.
6. My skin is doing an up and down thing - good days and bad days and very frustrating
7. I am dealing with a parent who has decided to tell me how to teach. I am very upset about this actually. I am told what the kids issues are when arrive to teach, I am told to handle it and when I do, I am told to stop the lecture. It's very frustrating. I am a damn fine teacher so this is really not cool.

Those are my short lists. Writing it down makes me feel like I can let it go. At least till I am ready to deal with it.

My inner Martha

Oh my G--

I'll say it again.

OH ...... MY....... G--.

My first issue in my renewed subscription to Martha Stewart Living arrived today. I had been a 2 year subscriber when a friend gave me those 2 years as a gift.

The magazine would arrive. I would thumb through it, think, wow I wish I could do this stuff or be this person. And File the magazine away for future references. I have 24 issues in chronological order in Magazine holders to be stored on a bookshelf that isn't here yet. Or ordered but that's ok.

When that subscription ran out and it didn't look like the friend was coming forth with another year ( not that I expected her to! ), I let the thing lapse despite the year of begging they sent me.

When my students and my friends kids all started the school year off fund raising for this trip and that event, the school fundraiser of choice was magazine subscriptions. I dutifully didn't renew anything and split my periodical reading up across them all.

Then out of nowhere, a kid who never participates and rarely asks anything of me beyond the normal lesson, asked me to buy a mag subscription. Crap.

I flipped through and Martha screamed at me.

Well - not quite SCREAMED so much as suggestively smiled out from the ad for the magazine. Without a thought - I scribbled out the check and taught the lesson.

I totally forgot about it when my first issue was suddenly at my door.

I started reading and felt a sudden "peace" within me. I know it sounds crazy and corny but it's true.

So I slowly and guiltily started reading it. I refuse to read it fast just to move on. I plan to savor every bit of it and even try one thing from each issue. ONE.

I have a lot of friends who naturally exude their inner Martha. Maplemama has been doing this since I met her which predates the magazine by some 10 years...., Vinny's wife also has an inner Martha that I only get glimpses of at parties but you can see it her home, her cooking and the way she keeps her family rolling along without too many gliches ( Yes that means teamed up with VInny!), Lisa also has a Martha thing going on. I had been visiting many many years ago ( before kids no less!) in their lovely home and the beautiful touches they put on dinner when they weren't even expecting to have me there ( bad weather) were so lovely it was as if they expected me and I was an honored guest. Ms. Jax-now-Greg has been tapping into hers since she got married and the baking and cooking that comes out of her kitchen is something spectacular.

To name a few.

I am determined to find my inner Martha in 2009. I know she's in there. Probably screaming to get out but I have to locate her first.

It will probably be a little bit like letting the Genie out of the bottle - once out they rarely go back. But that's OK with me. I don't have embrace ALL of it - just the parts that fit. It will make life better and I know it will make Jon's life better.

Ironically as a side note, the friend that gave me the subscription just rented her home and moved into her husbands. This may not seem like a paricularly eventful item BUT the home she just rented - down the road from Martha - They wave to one another on her runs in the morning.

She found her inner Martha too - she is now the career woman who completed the renovation of her husbands home and cooks a gourmet HEALTHY meal every night for her hubby and wants to retire and own a B&B.

Come to think of it - Jon and I want to do that too. Maybe a joint venture.

Clearing space

Jon and I spent the day clearing space.

He cleared his brothers space - bringing home a lot of stuff for our home. I cleared our actual space - with the intent to clear out more than was being added.

For my part, I boiled the stove. This stove has probably never been THIS clean since it was new. Of course I exaggerate - but I managed to break the electric pilot light mechanism at the same time. Mercifully Jon was able to fix that - and we have no idea what was wrong,

I also took the time to actually clean up the bedroom. This room is crazy, for it seems to be the catchall for all our crap.

He came home wearing a Ramones shirt that his brother is on, and his brothers boots - suitably distressed. He looked so much like his brother I didn't know what to say.

We talked about clearing his space and my clearing of ours. It had been quite productive for both - for now we can attack - once and for all - the office/music room area. Once that is set up then we can start working properly.

The other thing that is neat about clearing space is about clearing the air. We are trying to clear the air about us and about his brother. He accused me of harboring and I said I wasn't - he just keeps interrupting me while I'm talking about it!!!! This, of course, made us both giggle a little - because it's true....

Clearing space is a very fulfilling activity. I highly recommend it.

Cancer update and Editorial commentary

I want to be clear on something from yesterday's post. This is a general editorial on myself. Then back to our regularly scheduled program.



I am, now more than ever, of the belief that the specific balance and nature of a relationship and all that that entails is the business solely of the parties IN that relationship.



I say this because of my situation with this other person and the "license" she took and the lack of respect it shows.



I had a conversation with a friend today who in a strange twist of fate, ran into a similar framework - the specifics are different but the above belief still remains.



Here's what I mean - regardless of what goes on behind closed doors, there is a respect and dignity that is attached to each party and the relationship as a whole. If both parties don't strive to honor that, the relationship breaks down. That's what the communication structure and style is for.



I tend to run and hide. He tends to shout and walk out. We found a compromise. It took the better part of a year. These things sometimes happen right away and sometimes they take time.



I want to also address trust. Trust - as you know - is very hard for me. A lot of it is insecurity, which is solely my problem. IN order to make sure this wasn't a deal breaker in my relationship, I used baby steps and goals. Once one step or set of steps was met to attain a goal, I let go of that for awhile and let things rest. THen I worked on a bigger one. And so on and so on.



It's working for me.



So on that note I bring you back to our regularly scheduled post for today.

Cancer Update

I got him to go back to the doctor last week. We hadn't been since October. Out of sight out of mind played a small part, but the major reason was that he was out of clinic visits for Medicaid.

We need to have another PET scan. That will determine two things. One, the condition of the cancer at this point and Two, how to proceed from there.

I have learned during this illness that what the doctor says and what he tells me are not always an exact match but they are close.

So when he came home and said "no lumpectomy on the neck but the tonsils will have to come out by removing the jaw" I naturally panicked.

But I kept it all inside, and looked right at him and said,

"Did they actually say that or were they hedging and giving that as the worst case scenario?"

"They were hedging - it's a worst case scenario"

OK. I can work with that. Although it does mean removing his jaw completely and then doing reconstructive surgery with no guarantee that he will have a voice when he's done.

Of course neither of us is feeling to great about that. But. If that's what it takes to keep him alive then that's what it takes.

We shall jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Some bloodwork needs to be done still to determine the status of his kidneys. Other than that he's doing OK. I'm sliding the healthy lifestyle in a bit at time.

We will beat this thing yet.

Some interesting changes

I'm back.

I won't say "better than ever". Not yet.

The Acupuncture is the most amazing experience I've had in my life. Acupuncturists have the same challenges as Western Medical Doctors in treatment and it makes for a very interesting experience.

I have now had 3 treatments. Ever untrusting and skeptical, I didn't think anything was happening.

Why?

Because my skin - while improving - is not improving the way I expected. Not speed, mind you, though that would be nice.... More along the lines of the fact that I am still using the topical steroids and 4-5 different moisture creams 6-8 times per day.

However, I noticed that while I still worry and still suffer bouts of depression - I now have a new term for it. I call it depression light. I noticed my OCD is less. I trust more.

And now I am communicating. Better than ever.

I don't know if that's the acupuncture OR if that is simply the learning curve of the relationship or both.

But we have now had 1 serious fight that was resolved very quickly and was by rights my favorite fight - and his - because of how we handled ourselves and the situation. It was quite funny coming out the the other side.

The second thing that happened was the night BEFORE my third appt, I came home in the snow and he had just walked in. We were having a conversation and I burst out that I was tired of doing the right thing by people only to be taken advantage of. I'm tired of being the perpetual grownup when I am normally the youngest in the crowd by 10 years. Just because I am nice does not mean I am stupid!

He walked in, looked at me, put his arms around me said "Who's doing this to you?"

I replied one name.

THe name of one his "fans". We'll call her Sandy. Which is her real name. She is roughly his age ( Overage groupies tend to behave this way incidentally - I'm just starting to get that), married, two grown children.

She trashes me to him every chance she gets. She doesn't even know me. I'm offended. I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. And while I don't need to be LIKED by everyone - I do deserve some levek of respect in accordance with the relationship.

I tell him this adding "Who the hell is she to judge me? What goes on between you and I is only our business."

He basically responded that he is taking responsibility for it because he took a fight out of the house to her back in Sept when he should not have. He never corrected the situation because frankly he forgot and didn't think that it was anything important. If he had known how tormented I was by it, he would have addressed it sooner.

To which I concurred, adding, "Well she must have a HELL of an understanding husband."

THe look on his face was priceless.

"Ummm - she's not married. Not for many years. " he gently replied

"Oh really? YOu didn't notice the wedding bands on her hand? THEY CAN BE SEEN IN SPACE!" I countered.

"Oh I asked her about that. She said she just liked them" even he's not buying that....

"Look. It doesn't matter whether she is or she's not - that's her business. THe fact of the matter is I KNOW she is because she and I have a mutual friend. She's lying to you to support whatever her hidden agenda is. I don't like it because it's disrespectful to both you and I"

"Wow. Well. She's definitely lied to me about it. And frankly after the lies I went through with the whore who I had an Actual relationship with, I don't need this from someone I am just friends with. She's off the mailing list and I am deleting her from the address book. I am also going to have a conversation at my next gig there at the end of the month and clarify things about you because that's just not right" He said.

"Do you feel better?" He asked.

"I do."

Since I doubt she will go quietly, I did pull a background check on her to give some additional leverage. I won't use it unless absolutely necessary, but I felt she would start covering her tracks and I WAS RIGHT.

Her myspace profile - overnight - went from displaying married to in a relationship - and you have to hunt for it.

THe thing that made this really important to me is that he understood that taking something out from behind closed doors was not cool. And he's going to rectify it. He also now realizes that people are not always what they seem. And lastly, that I do trust him to do the the right thing by me and us. And he is.

THe biggest thing for me was that I held onto this for way too long. He called me on it and was right to do so. I wasn't planning to address it then. It just came out. But I wasn't afraid. Even though, my gut said that this woman was trouble back in May. I told him then and he blew it off because we barely knew her. Now he see's that I was right.

It's very liberating. This whole communication thing. And we are closer than ever about it. His friends, my friends and OUR Friends all see it - the intimacy is built more and more each day.

These are good stepping stones. Really good.

Acupuncture - the final frontier

You the know the thing about being a caretaker is the tendancy to OVERLOOK your needs in lieu of someone else's is very easy.

I used to e pretty adept at juggling both. However, this holiday, while I did not suffer from the ever present slippery sliding slope to depression like last year and previous years, it manifested in my skin. So I was feeling happier and more control but looked gross. Last year I looked great but felt like crap.

Tough call.

I'm tired of being asked "What's wrong with your Face" or "Are you OK?" or "Your eyes look terrible" or my favorite "Did you wash your hands before you touched that?"

OK people - it's JUST eczema. I do NOT have leprosy I swear. I have seen countless doctors and they have seen me. I have tried everything that western medicine has to offer and it only provides temporary, if any, relief. I have changed my skin care and this could be so much worse except that the skin care is holding me pretty well.

So After my trusted friend and massage therapist did a treatment including a reiki session, she suggested acupuncture.

oh HELL no. I am NOT having needles plunged into my skin. and how the hell is THAT going to help my skin? Sticking holes in it??? Really??? doubtful.

BUt she proceeded to send me to website after website and I spoke to some of her friends who are acupuncturists and honestly - I decided to give it a whirl.

The irony is that the acupuncturist that she and I decided on is someone I actually know. The sister of an acquaintance ( used to be a close friend but it's been too long to go back to that).

So given all the stresses of late -both good AND bad - I need to tackle this from a different perspective.

I did some dietary research as well. We both need to lighten up on the dairy and start eating better veggies and fruits. This should help maintain me and help alleviate the gout he suffers from too.

So send me some good thoughts tomorrow - that's the first treatment!

Keeping your enemies close or just too trusting?

Yes I know I have been blog "dark" for a few weeks.

My busi-ness level tripled with the holidays and it's not over yet.

Let me backtrack - I managed to surprise Jon on the 20th for his first gig back with the band. He didn't expect the table full and given the snowy sub zero icy temps - I was amazed as many showed as they did. 

It was a fun and lovely evening.

Two days later I awake to the intense ringing of the phone and my talking caller id announcing Jon's name.

Weird becayse I had fallen asleep around 11AM in the bedroom because he was napping on the couch. So how is he calling me from the living room and more importantly why? The house isn't THAT big and he could get his butt up!

I was dreaming that his brother passed away.

Which is ironic because it was his sister on the phone ( hence the talking caller id thing - her's comes up last name first). I knew when the minute I picked up the phone that Alex was gone.

I walked the phone into him and he was awake and calling her on his cell. She started freaking out " Why does he have to do everything the hard way??? WHY CAN"T HE JUST TALK ON THIS PHONE???" I had to give her that one. it made no sense to me either.

Alex was gone. After 8 years with ALS. He went in the night in his sleep. He was done. He is now in Rock and Roll heaven.

THere was little we could do but make the calls to our friends and loved ones just to let them know.

The next few days were insane. and yet calm. It was surreal to be honest. I was still planning his fundraiser that he didn't know about. So that kept me busy because many of those people wanted to come to the funeral which made it nuts.

Finally the family closed the funeral off to immediate family and the health care professionals that took care of him with the promise of a memorial at the end of January.  

I answered all the emails and phone calls and made sure that every one knew "game on".  He still wanted to keep our plans for lunch with friends ( the cover story) at that restaurant. 

Breathing a sigh of relief in a way, Christmas eve comes. He had made plans to attend services at his congregation with his family at 5:30 then dinner with them.  He intended to meet meat my church at 10:30 for our services. The plan after was to meet friends for drinks but that didn't work out so we were going to meet at home and have the eggnog I just made.

Ah the best laid plans.....  Somehow or another I was slightly delayed in leaving church and he should have beat me home by 20 minutes.  Strangely though, I got home and he wasn't there. Finally 40 minutes later I called his phone and he texted back that he was at one of the pubs as the owner paged him.

This turned out to be a lie but not a strategically crafted one. Given the circumstances - I didnt' ride him too much on it. He really wanted to drink the pain of his brother's dying away.  I was expecting this since the news came in so I wasn't altogether surprised.   He didn't want to "admit" that need so he came up with the lie so I wouldn't ride him too much.  

I want to take a slight pause in the story to explain that this pub and I have a checkered past.  Largely good, but the lows were LOW.    I know the owners and most of the waitstaff there.    So I can safely tell you that he hasn't been in there since Easter.   He hasn't been in touch since Easter.  This is very key to the rest of this story.   Back to our regularly scheduled program. 

I wake up at 3AM,  he's still not back and now I am starting to worry about how far gone he was.  So I texted him to let me know when he was ready to come home so I could get him. But I missed him as he walked in the door 10 minutes later. Holding a flier in his hand for his own fundraiser and not too happy with me!!!!

I tried to cover it but I'm not really adept at that. So I bailed fast and came clean. He started laughing as he was trying to remain upright. I got him into bed and he talked about how we would keep the secret for everyone else who worked so hard.

He wanted to bring his bass guitar and his acoustic.   He wanted me to sing some tunes.  We re-arranged the cover story of OURS to cover the original cover story.   Alex's death not withstanding that actually was helpful.  We basically went in two separate cars.  THe story for that was that he had to go to his mom's early and didn't have a chance to shower. At 1:45 I was walking out the door with both guitars in hand telling people that he was in the shower so I was able to sneak them out.  He was so overwhelmed and touched by this that combined with his brother's passing and the copious amounts of alcohol he consumed we had a few hours of him crying in my lap.   I could not have been more touched by his feelings. 

The invites had been going out, being updated and lots and lots of communications have been flying around.   I invited the whore.    Being the bigger and nicer person, I thought he would have appreciated that.  I invited his movie buddy,  his exwife even though she lives in another country and tons and tons of people regardless of location. 

As I walk into the bar, with my stuff and his two guitars in my hands, His movie buddy meets me at the door and helps me get everything into bar and set up.   Then I see the whore who comes over and hugs me.  I introduce the two women and proceed to get everything rolling.   

He walks in  - plays surprised BRILLIANTLY - seriously no one in Hollywood can hold a candle to the two of us! 

The music went on for 7 hours.   We shut it down when the PA and sound system had to depart for another gig out east!  We had musicians upon musicians upon musicians playing and singing.  Guitars, cellos, singers - harmonicas - it was just a blast.   Jon played all night long.   I sang a couple of sets with him and we had a great time.  I met tons of friends of his that I had been hearing about for years!  Many of my friends and some of "our" friends.  It was lovely. 

The one damper was the whore.  She got hammered.  And I mean hammered.  So much so that she could barely walk, she was flirting with every guy in the bar, handing out her phone number, broke my cellphone temporarily ( I was able to fix it later that night), she was feeling everyone up including me - she kept hugging me and telling me how lucky he was to have me and what a good woman I am.   Then - she goes up to Jon asks him to play the song he wrote FOR HER when they were together and he didn't ( lucky for him).  Not to be outdone, she then decides it was time to go home, oh but wait - as she was saying good bye to Jon, she invited him to go with her. 

Ummm - HELLO??????     Are you people KIDDING ME???? I truly thought my head was going to explode.  Oh he handled it well enough - he told her that was never going to happen again and that any future was dependent on her.   

Umm - yeah that's fine but not good enough.  So when we talked about it the next day I told him that I was offended at her behaviour and he needs to straighten her out.  She needs to understand that It was never going to happen again REGARDLESS of what she does.   And she needs to know that I am pretty angry with HER for the betrayal.  I tried to do the right thing and she screwed me.  Moving forward she won't be included.  Period.  I don't need this drama. 

He did agree with me that she needs to hear ALL of that in the light of sobriety and that he has no intentions of going back to her because she is incapable of giving him the relationship he wants and needs and that he is much happier here with me.   I meet his needs in ways she never could.   Part of him still hurts from the things she put him through and to some extent still does.  But he's trying hard to let it go and move on.   This was our first foray into the 3 of us in a social situation and she failed.   

I'm not angry anymore even though that converation hasn't happened yet.  We both had a great laugh though as she called and left a message as if nothing happened - she has no memory!  Oops.  

This was how we closed out Chrismas week.    I don't know if I was just trusting that she would behave at the ripe age of 50 or that I  trusted that she was telling me the truth in the hospital that she didn't want Jon.   Or was I just keeping my enemy close? 

Truth be told I don't think it is as much the enemy as the others.   The reason is,  it was way too easy for me to not invite her.  Way too easy.  

I'm embarrassed because she made a liar out of me.  I'm embarrassed because she made a fool out of me.  And herself - more so.  

It's been a tough week.  We have had a LOT go on.  But honestly - he was so overwhelmed by everything that I did.  I'm the hero of his life.   His family ( who just could not attend the fundraiser due to the fact that they buried Alex the day before) loves me now in ways that they never did before.  I was so worried that they continued their dislike of me.  I found out differently and then they proved it on New Years Eve.   I spent New Years at the restaurant where Jon plays.  We sang a set together and then his mum and step dad and step siblings showed up - we closed the place down.  It was one of my better New Years eve's in my life.  We had so much fun!  It was not complicated, there was no agenda - everyone was in good spirits and good form.  

I wish for you all a happy 2009.   It has to be better for all of us.  I truly believe that.  

I have hope.  

My December is flying by. Just when I think I have everything together - I realize just how far from my goal I really am this year. I still have gifts to buy, the house is NOT decorated and I can't find my dining room table.

OK the table comment is no longer true. I did fix that so we can get the table out and the new one in. So that's one thing I can check off.

Friday was Jon's birthday. It was also my dress rehearsal. Now the deal was that Jon and I were supposed to see a play -today. However - he has a family situation that he needed to attend to today so he went on Thursday Night with his niece. He and the woman who owns the theater group ( an old flame as it would be) went out to celebrate their collective birthdays afterward.

What we decided to do ws to have all our friends meet us at one of the bars/restaurants in town to have drinks an hang out.

So he went to the movies and dinner with his best friend while I was at dress rehearsal. He drove down to the bar. I met him there after rehearsal. However, I was sweating the entire evening because of the guest list.... I shouldn't really worry about it - but I do. We had a mixture of different folks invited - actually to be fair - his entire mailing list. Whivh includes some folks that are still "competitive" with me. So I was a little freaky.

Needlessly - Though I feel REALLY incredibly badly for him, very few folks made it out that night. The ones that did were really spectacular though. OUr friend Chris came, Lisa, Nessa and Lloyd.

The small potential fly in the ointment was that my ex's band was playing. And lord of lords - these two men even liked each other and JOn now wants to use him for a couple of recordings. Now I tried gently to dissuade him as that has the possibilty of discomfort - for me - but from a musical stand point it makes good sense. We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

The band was good and we all had a wonderful time - Jon toasted me ( instead of himself) to my surprise - He basically said he wouldn't be here today on his 52nd birthday if it hadn't been for me. He felt everyone should have a "me" in their life but they cou;ldn't have this one - because I was his.

My concert went really well. I was very pleased. The Mozart was lovely and I had a lot of fun doing it.

I spent today taking care of busimess I can't take care of while he's home. I worked on his fundraiser and spent a lot of time making sure that he doesn't get wind of it. I have invited as many people asI can think of and I am doing the rounds of the places he goes to.

So here's my thankful list - it's a big one.

1. I am thankful that His birthday was such a lovely success for him. He loved his card from me, he and I had a great time together and I let him go for a night by himself in the city to see an old flame ( she's married) and trusted him completely on it. These were big things for me but they were very big for him and he thanked me for it. It's even easier now.
2. I am thankful for my other friends coming through when I need them. I was told that I shouldn't dance when I was child - I believe the expression "AN elephant in army boots" was used to describe me. Jon always said that was a load of crap and he danced in a ballet troupe for years. But Nessa said it too and I can't refute BOTH of them. I haven't felt so good about dancing in public since I danced with mah pahtner in college. But that's not a fair representation either since he too, can REALLY dance and make even the weakest partner look fantastic!
3. I am thankful that my concert went so well. I did the best job I could have. I missed my dad during the singing of Silent Night which is a first. But it was lovely.
4. I am thankful that Jon and I seem to be getting back to rights. slowly and ever so surely. those baby steps work. I am just trying to be patient.
5. I am thankful for the wonderful responses I am getting to the fundraiser. I cannot wait at this point because we have 3 HUGE events coming up surrounding Christmas. Most of htem are surprises.

Healthy Changes

I don't know about you, but anyone who tries to make me change "for my own good" is pretty much looking to get punched.

Jon is much the same way.

So it should come as no surprise that the source of many of our conflicts is this topic exactly.

Now - I am the very first one to tell you - "do not try to change your mate".

I have a little bit of a different spin on this now. My spin is - don't change them - change yourself and guide them slowly along with you. If you BOTH do it - you're growing together. RIght?

Sounds excellent on paper.

I have been working at the practical reality on this as well. We do the two steps forward one step back dance alot of the time, but I have to say that we are growing together overall.

My only problem is patience. I hate to say this in this way as it's sort of fairy tale-ish, but I have waited my WHOLE LIFE ( to this point) for this man and I want the whole picture RIGHT NOW.

One of the things that I am doing at the suggestion of a very enlightened young woman, is to surround him and spend time with other Healthy couples. I have discovered that this actually has excellent benefits. We have a lot of mutual friends that fall into this category. So for me it's an easy one.

We had a game night with 2 other couples - it was a HUGE hit. He freaked out the next day about it, but we have rallied and moved forward since then.

THen a few weeks ago, we had dinner and a movie with another couple - yet another astounding hit. Wow and wow. This gets better and better.

I received my Christmas present from him today. Because it arrived and was too big for him to hide. He would have wnated to assemble it and have it under the tree and there was no way to make that work at this time. So he had me go into the foyer and open it there.

I got my piano bench! I have had the Steinway for 20 years - it was my college Graduation gift. And I have been using a dining room chair for it ever since.

This piano bench is gorgeous. Black laquer, storage in the bench, the perfect height. He set it up, and I sat down and played. It was heaven. It was the perfect gift. He was too excited. He couldn't wait!!!!

I was so happy.

When I got home, the entertainment center wascompleted, the wiring done, the TV and cable and home theater system racked and functional. It looks AMAZING.

PS don't worry - I still have gifts to open Christmas day - he made that clear!

Today's Happy dance list includes:

1. I am thankful that things are slowly but surely shaping up. I still have a lot of work to do on me, but I have faith and hope now.
2. I am thankful that though it is a sad thing that my stepmom's best friend passed away, I am thankful that she is no longer in pain or suffering.
3. I am thankful that my Old TV will be going to a good home with Jon's Brother.
4. I am thankful that my old bookcases are going to a good home with my best friend.
5. I am thankful that I stood up to my Poodle. Whenever the going gets tough for him, he expects that everyone will drop what they are doing to coddle him through it. He called me every hour yesterday and then today I got 3 calls and 3 hangups before 9AM. This is unacceptable and after 10 years of this, I called him back, we did an hour of work together with me helping him. After that wasn't enough and I was still getting harassed all day, I called him back and told him this had to stop. I have my own work to do and he's a man in his mid 50's that needs to learn how to work independently.

A foot in each camp

I'm simply not sure what to feel.

Before JOn and I moved into together, I was very self assured and confident about what I did and didn't want. When he was "mis-behaving" I was sure about what to tell him and how to tell him. And more importantly - WHEN to tell him.

I never had the large enveloping sense of uncertainty that exists today.

Since most of you know I detest change, and do not handle it well, it stands to reason that the events of today, while good, have me reeling.

My house is a shambles. I have a new media center that I love, a new TV, a new home theater system. My living room is literally in the reverse from what it was this morning. I can't get into the music room and I cannot access the dining room EXCEPT through the kitchen.

We are both exhausted and snappish. I started to get resentful right around the time when he started telling me that the food I ate today was too much for the amoung of activity I did. I said nothing however because this is an argument that would be defined as stupid - right now.

As I sat on the couch and I listened to him say these words "Contessa - I am NOT TELLING YOU THIS AGAIN" about something I threw in the garbage in an incorrect format, it occurred to me that this house and it's contents that I worked my whole adult life to own, was no longer mine.

While I am happy about that, I am also very much afraid. Afriad that my identity as an individuak might be lost, afraid of what happens if this doesn't work out, afriad that something could happen to one of us.

If you include all the other crap that's going on here, ( his midlife crisis for one and my holiday depression for another) this is wonderful and yet frightfull - all at one time.

So I am processing slowly. I am really trying to focus on ways to bring us both back to center again.

Re-decorating is always a great way to join forces and make a place "ours" instead of "mine". However there are adjustments that need to go with it. I just need to figure out what they are and do them.

Yet another pothole on the road of life -.... this one is luckily not too deep!

1. Today I am thankful for Jon. He worked himself to the bone - and I mean bone, putting together the furniture. He has infinite patience and it looks gorgeous. I am lucky.
2. Today I am thankful that my job is flexible. While I am happy to be leaving the one customer and take on the new position, the flexibiliy that I am afforded is lovely.
3. Today I am thankful for my friends. I am indeed blessed in this regard. I am facing another difficult holiday season and while it's different from last year, it's not going to be easier. I already know this. THe handwriting is on the wall. I am trying to dodge the curveballs fast this year. The thing that makes it better is that this year I can discuss it with my girlfriends - all of them ( And Digital Dad of course) and not worry who knows what.
4. Today I am thankful that I am able to think up good surprises for my loved ones. I think I love the giving of gifts to my loved ones more than receiving them. I can't wait to see their faces.
5. Today I am thankful that I am able to provide for my family, Regardless of the fact that the family is just the two of us. I know it bothers him that he's living "off" me right now, but it's nice to know that at least for a short duration I am able to make ends meet. I feel stronger just with that.

Thankful things and the countdown

Today I am thankful for lots of things and I am here to admit and acknowledge my fall off the trust wagon briefly.

1. Today I am thankful for the knowledge that enabled me to fix my own laptop. I lost my entire Itunes and several other apps yesterday and I am still not sure how it occurred other than I attempted to upgrade Itunes at Apples suggestion. I had to rollback with a system restore to Saturday which mercifully was no great issue. Just in the nick of time too - the new ipod arrived yesterday!
2. Today I am thankful for Jon. He came home from working out yesterday, prepped dinner for last night AND tonight. Cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room tables and the music room. He made me dinner AND dessert. He made me breakfast and lunch and he even made the tea which, simple as it sounds, he usually leaves to me as he never likes how he does it. I am very lucky indeed. I will tell you that the downside of all of this is that because I work from home there is a seed of resentment because I am physically here, but doing something else when he feels I should be helping him. I understand it and so does he but that's part of the process.
3. Today I am thankful for my new boss. I feel like crap. Big time. Voice cuts in and out. I am a tad phlematic. and Wiped out. He told me to take the day and rest up. I am not accustomed to that and what a nice man. I think I will stay with this group for a bit.
4. Today I am thankful for the blessing of my voice. I was awarded the solo in the Mozart Exultate Jubilate on Dec 13. I am doing the Alleluia. It was very tight competition. Jon heard the audition and didn't want to trade places with the director AT ALL. All three of us were well prepped and in good voice. We did a good job. It bottomed out to what sound was he looking for. I guess it was mine. I am shocked and thrilled. BAck to WORK.
5. Today I am thankful for the relationship I have with food. It's scary and it's real. But I am getting better at it. Each meal I try to slow down my consumption ( I hold the county record for speed eating). It's very possible that I can slow down to a normal pace. But I am not eating the mass quantity I used to. I just eat it fast.

So there it is folks.