Do what feels right

In the soft glow of the computer, I looked at the expression in my email and I thought about it. Really hard.

I was still in my "bar clothes" as I went to hear my best friend's band play and normally I am not allowed because he feels like he has to entertain me and he's "working". that's no longer the case, and I am free to roam the bar while he plays. This is largely due to the connection we have, he always finds me by sight and we have an entire private conversation with our eyes during their sets.

This is the real reason I am not allowed to come down - the connection. It was first discovered at this bar 5 -6 years ago and in order for him to be effective he needs it. I can't explain it to you and I wouldn't even try. It just is what it is.

First thing he did, was come back and kiss me hello. My lord, in public too. I almost passed out dead - so did the groupies....

Then he gave me some news that on the surface seems negative, but here's where it felt right.

He came om early from his north shore gig last night, packed up everything that had been given to him or was, the Whore's, including the only picture, wrote a letter and dumped everything unceromoniously at her house on the lawn.

Yes, I would say that it sounds childish. On the other hand, I call it closure.

Taking you back in time, to June and July. after the big gesture of "I want permission to call you every day", there was radio silencee for two weeks. The first thing I did, was take everything and pack it into a box and prepare it to be shipped 2 miles away from my home to his. That day, he showed up at the door. He had moved into his brother's because his brother had had a feeding tube in and he was the only one who had been trained to feed and it was absolute mayhem. He was so sorry he really was unable to call as he had no help. Given the way things are right now, in the present, quite clearly he was forgiven. And he still chose to do the work he needed to do to keep me.

I have always said, from the beginning that what she did to him, he did to me. I broke the cycle in June because I couldn't deal with that anymore. He just broke the cycle with her. He was hoping she would do for him, what he did for me. And when it was clear that that wasn't going to happen, he called it done - perhaps not the most mature of ways - but he put his closure in place.

He was angry and hurt when I saw him last night, but he didn't take it out on me. More importantly, these decisions and closure were made for HIM not for ME.... but as he put it, I did cross his mind on the way home form the gig and it sort of spurred him on. So I guess I was motivation in some small way.

Doing what feels right? He spent too much time talking up an aging groupie. I could do an entire post on groupies and their age..... I guess there's a post if I ever run out of material. When he came back around to where the keyboardist and I were chatting.... he pulled me aside and apologized. He was on a self destructive streak for a moment given the events in the past 24 hours, looked over, saw Mike and I talking, and politely excused himself to come back to me. And offered the apology.

What I am trying to say, is, doing what is right for me, means he has to help me grow in some areas, and he is. And I have to help grow in others, and I am. This is the one. I am sure of it. And I can tell you that I have never been sure of that in my whole entire life. This is big for me.

When I mentally reviewed the actions over the past few months, I saw the trend. It's as bright as if it were lit with each step. The that we are on, can only move forward.

"Do what feels right"

Four little words that mean so much.

"Do what feels right" - Scale Mistress

Thank you, Scale Mistress - it was good food for thought. It made me evaluate what's happening and made me realize that I have been.... and will continue to be.