"How do you get to Carnegie hall?"

I have discovered that insecurities will take many forms.

I have specifically noticed that when I feel that I have conquered one, another rises up to take it's place.

The battle is never over.

One of my recent discoveries is that I am shy in certain areas. Shy might be a strong word. Shy is not normally used to describe me. I think instead I will use the word, cautious or fearful.

And what I am is cautious and fearful of is in fact rejection in all of it's forms.

Now I know I've had this discussion here before, but I just realized that something in this area has been gnawing at me for months and it's in an area that I am not entirely comfortable detailing to you.

I recall a scene from Sleepless in Seattle where Meg Ryan and her mom are trying on her wedding gown in the attic. Her mom is describing how she met Meg Ryan's dad and tells her daughter "Don't worry dear, if everything doesn't work like clockwork... in the sack as you call it? Because sometimes it takes awhile" and Meg Ryan, embarassed, says "well, we already...." her mom says "Well Fiddle dee dee.... so is working like clockwork???"

I love this scene because it shows me a mother who wants to discuss sex with her daughter who is getting married, but her upbringing throws an embarassed twist on it. But she valiantly tries to overcome it. And you have to give her credit.

I have not had that kind of upbringing. I had this incredibly, almost borderline, inappropriate frank conversations about sex and dating, since we were old enough to understand what it meant.

Theory and practice - regardless of topic - are two very different things. Theory, books, discussions - these are all very nice and well and good. Very educationsl, very good for ideas, very good for sanity checks. But practice. Well.....

Practice makes perfect... doesn't it? Lawyers have practices, doctors have practices. There's a boatload of great jokes that go with that too.... we'll leave them for now though and go to the more conventional "practice" discussions.

I have discovered that I am actually a little bit out of practice in the confidence area of that movie clip. And that's weird for me. I'm not even sure how that happened but I attribute some of it to the questionmarks that have plagued me for months until recently.

You see, The Whore is... no more.

She is out of both of our lives at this point. Though for how long I can't say. She's the type who wants what she wants. But he's not having any of it. She has been told to "Step off".

And I thought that when that happened I would be wildly thrilled. But I'm not. I actually don't feel all that much that isn't clinical. I have spent so many months denying her presence in my day to day living, that telling me she's gone is almost anticlimactic.

I trust him and we've had some very extensive discussions on it of late. I believe in him. I love him. We are building something here. But I feel like we are starting again. Perhaps that's a good thing. We are learning more and more about one another. I find myself wondering sometimes "what will we talk about?", and you know what, it's a stupid question. We talk about everything.

In a way we are starting again. We are a lot stronger for it too which I didn't see happening. I need to relax more, I need to enjoy the journey more and yes, you all know me so well, I am reading books too. Knowledge is power. I am re-reading Men are from Mars and women are from Venus as well as it's sequal - Mars and Venus in the bedroom. Go on - make fun. But it can't hurt.

I know that my confidence will come back once the security starts to filter through. My lack of confidence stems from my lack of security. I know that things will start working "like clockwork" once I feel better about things.

I feel like it's my fault. I have never been through something like this in this area. On the othe hand, I've also never truly felt for another person what I feel here. So that can play a part. Things are still a little bit precarious with us. So that plays a part too.

But to love is to have hope.

And I have lots of both.

And you know the old joke.... "How do you get to Carnegie hall?"

Practice Practice Practice.