Getting What I want

I don't know what is wrong with me.

The things I want most in the world, the things I work hard for and want.... so badly....

I get them and don't know what to do with them.

Take music.

I cannot for the life of me understand why it is that a group of people dislike me. I don't. I am nice person. I am really great to work with because I don't criticize or make directors look bad in front of the group. If I feel strongly about something I take it offline, privately, and address it there.

So It came as a neat little surprise today to realize - again - that my dad's group, while he was alive, is restructuring their board to make sure I never get on it.

Now I have to ask what the hell is this about? I didn't need or want that info, but not being the person who shoots the messenger, I just swallowed it and walked away.

The bottom line there is I will be section leader, I will sing, I will get and do the solos. But that's it. This is the dumbest group of supposed adults I have ever seen in my life.

Still on the music topic. I have the opp to sing with my best friend. Something I have wanted to do for 10 years. I have been eagerly learning and listeninng to the high parts on the catalog entries he's given me ( Yes Bernie a lot of the ones we were having fun with the other night). We have a lot to practice together as I have been working on them several times a day every day.

But I'm unsure of myself with him. I don't doubt my ability, or my training or anything like that. I just doubt myself with him because I am afraid that I won't do a good job. He thinks I am crazy and how will we know if we don't practice. He's right. Of course he's right.

I told him he has to stop throwing his exwife around on this. she was his music partner as much as she was his wife. He hasn't sung with anyone else since and the thing that I keep hearing is that she was incredibly intuitive and heard parts that most people miss and that kind of thing.

Very unnerving - especially since, until this commentary came about, I don't have a first wife complex.

I don't think that I do now - I would have this problem whether he was married to her or not. More about me and my insecurity.

I think I am going to see about doing something over the weekend during the day. I have to bite the bullet to know whether I Can really do the job.

I do believe I can. I have a great sense for the harmonies, I have perfect pitch - this should be a no brainer other than the fact that he's a perfectionist.

Sometimes getting what you want requires more work to hold onto it than in getting it.