How on earth am I supposed to:
A. work full time?
B. Refill the water bottles
C. Make crazy amounts of tea
D. Eat
E. Cook
F. Clean
G. Teach
H. Pay Bills
I. Help locate missing items
J. Make sure meds are out
K. Keep house comfortable
L. Practice
M. Sleep
N. Maintain relationships
O. Communicate
I can go on and on but the sad reality is, this is the tip of the iceberg.
I noticed that my cell phone bill is through the roof. Why you might ask. Well, the only time I can speak to people privately is when I am out of the house. I am not going to vent about Jon in front of his face - that's a bit unfair to him.
I miss my life from a year ago. Ironically a year ago around this time is when I was leading up to our last breakup. Funny how I miss that. I don't miss the bad things about it but I do miss the fact that he fought for me.
I wonder sometimes if this was planned. Did God plan for him to move in with me right before he was diagnosed ? Did Jon on some level know how sick he was?
I have no idea what the future holds. that scares me to death. I am trying to relax and not freak out that I don't always get eerything done. For example - I did not vacuum today. I am trying not to feel guilty about that as I hear him sneezing and coughing. I just didn't get there today. I got the groceries done. I got the dishes done. I got the water bottles refilled, his meds put out for tomorrow, mine too, I cleaned out the fridge, I worked my 9-5, I taught 2 lessons, I tore apart the house looking for one of his 1099's which we did not find yet, I changed the cat box, i clipped the cat's claws, made myself dinner, again the list goes on. I did all of that. Yet I feel badly that I did not get to the vacuuming.
I don't know how to get all of this done and still have time to be with him. Tonight I sacrificed the vacuuming so we could watch a movie, part of the Mets game and The soup. That took 3 hours in total.
And Yet I still feel guilty.
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