Trust vs. Jealousy

I know I tend to talk about this a lot. But it plagues me, so as I continue to work on it - you guys get to hear about it.

I don't trust people. I have an inherent fear of intimacy. I am scared that if I allow myself to love and trust someone, they will let me down or leave. Or both.

It makes me sad that this a part of who I am. I work hard at this and I am slowly chipping away at it. Jon is no easy task with this. He trusts me far more than I trust him.

That's not really a fair assessment but it's the closest I can get. Our history isn't rosy by any stretch of the imagination. I have said from the beginning that loving someone means loving them warts and all. And I do. With everything that I am capable of giving.

That doesn't mean however that with certain people and certain topics, my stomach doesn't knot up. It does and it happened today. A neat reminder that this problem I have been working on is still there.... smaller perhaps - it didn't last long - but present none the less.

It's not anything he does. Not currently. It's me and what I don't believe of myself. I know this and it makes me sad. I jokingly made a comment tonight as I was getting ready for bed... I got up off the couch as he said "Yeah it's about that time..."

My response was "Yes I tend to be smart that way"

He said " You don't need to tell me that - you need to tell yourself that.... I already know. "

He wasn't laughing or kidding. He was right.

You see I spend a lot of time putting myself down. I don't even really understand where it's coming from. I weigh less this summer than last, and yet I feel fat and ugly. I am in position wth my job that's improved from last year, yet I feel exploited and condescended, I am in a relationship that changed dramatically in 2008, and I can't seem to catch up, I feel like everyone is smarter, prettier, funnier all of that...

As I said before - I know it's me and I know it's in my head.

I am smart - or I wouldn't have the job that I do. I wouldn't hold the position that I do. I may have some extra weight but I am pretty. I am nice and talented and all of that. I take good care of those that I love. I am a good friend and a good life companion.

So why the insecurities?

I really don't know. But I'll keep digging until I find out.