The line between selfishness and normalcy

I have had the weirdest day.

The thing I am taking away from today is how annoyed Jon is today. Everything I do annoys him. It was not continuous. But it was more like a recurring theme.

Every time I tried to talk to him, he would sigh, roll his eyes, and look at me. Bored. or irritated.

He would ask me things like "Did I leave my book in the bedroom?" I would get up, look, not find it and proceed to look elsewhere. That would be the moment that he would yell at me to forget it.

We watched Juno together and really loved it. It was the only time today that we had a decent time together.

When I left to go teach this evening, he asked me to get him mashed potatoes and gravy. We talked about his not needing to go to radiation on Monday and Tuesday which is good. I mentioned that I was planning to take one of those days off to do some things and have a relaxing birthday. then he pointed at me and said

"I want you to go to lily's next weekend, do you hear me?"

"You aren't coming with me?"
" I don't think I can sustain the trip. "
"We don't n eed to stay overnight if you would rather come home."
"I don't think I can do it. At least not now."
"Ok.... I really wanted to go up there with you"
"I know.... I'm sorry"

I feel so badly. I want him with me for my birthday. even though last year was not the best year at that party, we were still together. I want things to be different. I want things to be the way they were.

Where is the line between selfishness and normalcy?

My problem right now is that infernal uncertainty. I know so much of the things happening today were part and parcel of the disease and the frustration. I can't pretend to imagine what he is going through. I know that I hover at times. He really thinks that I don't listen to him, but it's not a question of my not listening as much as it is him speaking with his back to me or head down and I can't always catch every word.

Instead of cutting MYSELF slack, I berate myself for not doing better by him. I never let him see me cry. I never let him know how angry this makes me and I never let him hear me bitch. he has not yet seen the poem becuase his brain isn't ready to receive it. That's OK.

I have a headache today. It's allergy related. I think.

Or maybe it's stress.

Or all of the above.