Love has to fall somewhere short of suicide

I can't take credit for this quote but I like it. It speaks to me of love being a choice as suicide is. It's sarcastic of course which is totally me as well. Not that I am in any contemplating suicide now or ever - It's the extreme that speaks to me.

The fact is, When times are tough - you have to make an effort, no, a conscious choice at times to love one another. Some days that's easy and some days it's not.

It occurs to me that this psychic that I saw was not only dead on in what she told me then but how forward seeing it really was.

In the past few days we have had a tug o war going on.

The psychic said that the only way we move off our plateaus is to nudge each other along albeit under the guise of humor, and this one that we are on now will be no different. And I have a knack for making him think it's his idea.

And that is all true. And each time I get down about this stuff I look back on these words and realize that it's true.

Unfortunately we have a wrinkle. I feel very specifically unattractive. In the past 24 hours I have spent an enormous amount of money ( nearly 1000 dollars) to look and feel better about myself. And it isn't WORKING.

To be fair - this expenditure is a longterm solution so I am not balking at the cost right now. Normally I would be panicking in ways and means I cannot describe but these are solutions that will last for at least a year if not more. So it turns out to be less than 100 bucks a month which is reasonable to me.


These are things that will help my eczema, my weight loss, my overall health, I did have my hair done, a mani and pedi, waxing - you know girl stuff. Eyelash tint and curl - the whole nine.


And yet, when I got home I felt as fat and undesirable as ever.


So I looked at things that I need and I will be going to the beach and walking 4.5 miles 3 times a week. It makes me feel better and I like it there. Time permitting I will sit and meditate on the benches there too. If I time it right, I can do this from 7-8:30 MW and Thurs. Then home and dinner.

It's all I can do right now. I will add my core work in the evenings as well. We'll see after that.

The other thing is music. I know I keep saying it, but music brings us both back to the center. The center of what makes us well... us.

We watched Across the Universe tonight. It was amazing. Wonderful and poignant. He took out his guitar and we played and sang. We decided that he would do the vocal warmups I gave him and sing a couple of tunes per day. Even the callouses on his fingers have worn down so much it was a little bit painful to play. But we did and sang Beatles tunes. For 3 hours. It was wonderful.

He's interested in music again. That's something to thank God for.

Tomorrow he will be radioactive for a number of hours. He will be having a pet scan to determine his surgical options in a few weeks. This may well be the final phase we are moving into for remission.

Things can only go up from here.