Once Up however, I made some coffee and had some breakfast while Jon did the crossword puzzle ( NYTimes - is there any other?). We chatted idly. Calm, relaxed, lovely.
His phone rang and his best buddy called. They were going to meet on the mile at his usual haunt. Now I want to go on record here. Part of our problem right now is that he has not been able to have a real social life since April. That means that he has not met a lot of my friends and vice versa. We all know about each other and in some cases have spoken on the phone, but never met. This one I met, once, a year or two ago for 10 seconds or less.
As I was leaving to go teach, he asked me if I wanted to meet the two of them down there. I was surprised and happy at this turn because it means he is feeling better. We agree that I will call him on his cell when I am heading back to town.
I teach my lesson and head back to town. I call him at 2 and tell him I am getting ready to come down there. I was less than pleased to hear, "Don't. I'm probably coming home soon and my buddy hasn't called me so they probably aren't coming". I hang up and go home. I'm not happy.
Because I do not believe him. I think he needs space and doesn't want me there, but doesn't know how to say it so I won't be mad. And this plan is working SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!! Because I changed my plans to do this. And he damn well knew it.
I start doing some housekeeping. It was after I had changed the cat litter and cleaned out the air purifier that it occurred to me that it was a stunning day here and why should I be in the house cleaning it when he is not worried about he condition of our home and out having himself a party. I literally left the vacuum where it was, picked up a book, a bottle of water, my journals and ipod and hopped in the car and drove to Long beach.
Where I sat on the boardwalk looking at the ocean. I scribbled in my journal - nonsense mostly. Then I read my book. And listened to my Ipod. And sat there, staring at the ocean, sailboats, freighters in the distance.
I spent a couple of hours there. A friend advised me on my trip to Long Beach not to dwell on the situation that caused me to go because that won't make it easier to address. So I didn't.
A song came on my Ipod from Enchanted. It's the academy nominated ( don't recall if it won ) "So Close". What a lovely song. But it made me think a bit. I listened to it a lot actually.
The words are not entirely pertinent but there is a wonderful phrase in the bridge,
"Oh how could I face the faceless days if I should lose you now? We're so close to reaching that famous happy end"
It made me think. Girls think about this stuff a lot. A lot a lot. From childhood, we are read fairy tales about the princess and some evil person and prince charming who rescues her. We watch films like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Snow White - all of them. Heck even the three feminine archetypes qualify here.
Happily ever after is NOT a phrase we do a lot with. We don't all know what it is, but as little girls we dream about it, and chase after it. Successful or not, cognizant or not, we go after the fated "Happily ever after" and only when it's UNSUCCESSFUL do we realize that we don't have it. When we do have it, only the fortunate recognize it.
My mom always says that while she loved my dad, she is currently married to and lucky enough to have had a second chance to have found her prince Charming. I envy her that.
For while I know that there are lots of challenges in their lives as people and as a couple, they have overcome some SERIOUSLY major obstacles to get where they are.
I suspect that what is happening to Jon and I is not necessarily bad, just us trying to find our footing as he recovers.
Here's why.
I was driving home from the beach, noticing that 3 hours had elapsed since I walked out of the house and hadn't heard a word from him. I was plugging my phone into the charger and noticed I had a voice mail. Phone hadn't rung, but reception is not so great on the parkway down there. I listen to it and it's him wondering where I am.
So I called him back and he tells me this big long story about how he was down there and his buddy showed up until his mom called and he needed to run errands for her into his brother's in Queen's blah blah. I was not terribly responsive at this point - handing out monosyllabic answers because I don't want to have this conversation on the phone. When he asks me where I was. I told him and he was quiet for a minute and then said,
"I wish I could have been there with you. "
One sentence. Stupid. But it made me cry. I am such a silly woman sometimes.
I hurry myself off the phone truly hoping he doesn't realize what that did - again only because I don't want to do it on the phone. In beach traffic.
When I got home, he says:
"Next weekend I want to try this again. You and my buddy and I will go to EB's. OK? "
"My movie buddy and I are going to see _____ movie on Friday - I want you to come- can you put it on the calendar?"
"Can the two of us go sit on the boardwalk together this week?"
I didn't know how to react. He's not any better at this than I am and he's got 12 years on me. I guess the thing I keep complaining about is communication, and I'm not doing it any more or any better than he is. In that regard I haven't figured out how to since he got sick. I used to know how to before that. I also realized that he knows - without being told - just how hard my life is right now. How many things are wrong and how just generally sad I feel. He can't do much, but he's trying to make things easier in smaller ways.
I did tell him not to say things that he has no intention of following through with just to make me happy for a moment. He was a little bit hurt that I thought that, but replied that he wasn't doing that. He was trying to merge our lives and today just didn't work out right. For either of us.
I got a much needed retreat to the beach though. It felt good in many ways to claim that bench and relax there in the sun and take in the sites ( some hot volleyball players were right in front of me!). IN many ways I perfer Long Beach to Jones Beach. It's got the nice boardwalk, parking is free and it's a little bit more "resort-ish". I felt like I was on vacation for 3 hours.
Boats, water,ocean, beaches. These are things I need to keep my soul soothed. I now realize that I am truly an east coast girl and don't take me more than 10-15 minutes away from my beach and ocean. I may not go often - but opening my windows and being able to smell the salt in the air means the world of difference to me. I love the ocean waves crashing, the sites, the sounds, the smells. If I could afford it, I would have a beach house. And be rest assured, when I win the lottery it will be done.
The fact is that the other night when I covered the boat cruise, I realized just how important a role this had in my life and how powerful it was. I stood on the bow of that boat, moving with the motion of the boat and the water, and I was momentarily at peace. Everything that bothers and troubles me was literally gone. I saw the sun set over the horizon and was absolutely awed by the site. I was thrilled to be under the draw bridge as it opened rather than on top waiting to be released to the other side.
So it was no great surprise that going there today was the right thing that my soul needed to renew. It was better than anything else that I could have done at that moment.
As for Jon, I recognize effort when I see it. This may not be happily ever after right now.... but there is so much potential that I think we can get there.
We're close. So close.
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