Self-esteem: Self`-es*teem"\, n. The holding a good opinion of one's self; self-complacency.
-Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.
Hmm. Self esteem, self worth.
Everyone in the world has some. I have never met a person who has absolutely none. less than normal, more than normal. But never NONE.
But then that got me thinking. What is the normal, well adjusted amoun? Who amonst us doesn't suffer lacking or doubts about one's ability in SOME area?
For example. Perhaps you are incredibly intelligent, wildly talented BUT you are not a good public speaker and you know it. Do you then have doubts about your ability to speak in public? Perhaps.
That, however, is perfectly acceptable and normal. And that one area can be improved upon, thus improving your self esteem IN THAT area.
What becomes damaging is when you have doubts in 1+ areas and you allow them to color your perception of yourself. Thus is born the accepted definition of LOW self-esteem.
So it is no surprise when I tell you ( as if you all didn't already know this!!!) I suffer from low self esteem. I think some of the problem is acceptance. I need to be accepted as I am and I have been conditionally accepted for as long as I can remember.
Weight played a big role in that. But overall what I think plagues me most in this quest to be the best version of myself possible is that I don't do enough for the people I love. If I could only do more, I would be loved more. If I could only be thin enough, I would be loved more.
It's stupid. I look at this in writing and even I am surprised by how silly it looks. Elementary even.
I work hard at my weight - most of you who know me know that. Tonight after dinner, Jon looked at me and said "I'm going to lecture you now, just wanted to warn you! " I laughed at him. I told to go on lecture away. His only statement was "I want you to watch your portion sizes more". THAT'S it???? That's your lecture? OK. I said "I agree".
A few minutes went by. I cleared the table I poured us each a glass of wine and sat down. He looked at me and said "I'm on this new program and I want you to do it with me - so we can both be healthy. "
I said "I agree - I just started the pilates class and I am continuing to walk on the beach." He responded that he loved the fact that I was taking that class at his "church". THen he looked horrified at me.... "OH NO" he said.
"WHAT??? WHAT???"
"You will have to RACE home on Monday night!!!! Or you will miss HEROES!!!!"
I almost died laughing. So much for the lecture, thanks ADD boy!.
I have noticed that his self esteem issues are, as I have mentioned before, largely related to being attractive. Being a local celeb that he is, he is used to adoring fans, throwing themselves at him. He's not one to take them up on it, but who deosn't like the ego boost of someone thinking you are attractive? He eats that up. He loves me and loves that I find him attractive at his worst, but according to him, my taste is clearly suspect in these issues.
When I approached this topic, he wasn't really receptive today. So I let it go. But I have to laugh at him. He mentioned a couple of little tidbits from his distant past that I didn't realize or know about, and always with the tag line - Nothing you need to be worried about! It makes me laugh when he does that. I don't worry about women from his past. Only the one and even now not so much. I trust him. At least as much as I am capable of doing.
So self -esteem, in contrast between us, is interesting. I want him to stop craving approval from strangers. He wants me to stop craving approval from loved ones. There has to be middle ground and I am trying to find it.
In the meantime, I'm trying to minimize the self-doubt. Sometimes I am succesful and others less so. But I will strive to be better!
Self - esteem - such a good thing when one has it and so damaging when one doesn't.
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