my over-reaction is understandable, but it IS an over-reaction

I would confess, but then I would have to believe in confession....

So let's call it sharing.

I will SHARE that I am capable of, and from time to time have exhibited the signs of over reactions.

So in the efforts to identify what is valid and what is an ACTUAL over reaction, before I freaked out and made a perfect ASS out of myself, I decided to reflect a bit and sleep on it.

In the overcast isolation of the beach, listening to the surf crash the shores, I really thought about what upset me the night before.

Here is what happened:

In an effort NOT to editorialize, I will stick to facts first.

We were watching a movie. He's seen it before and I have not. He starts playing with the computer. I continue to watch the film. I look over and realize he's looking at Singlesnet. com. He asks me what I think of the woman on the screen. I raise one eyebrow over my glasses and ask what it is that he's doing. He mentions that he got a hit on his profile from a long time ago and was curious. Then he shows me another profile that he found of a friend of his who has been married for two years.

He continues to scroll through the listings that are local to us and then puts it away - the film has ended and I just get up and go to bed - he's not tired so he stays up to watch more TV.

OK now for the editorialized version ( in red):

We were watching a movie. He's seen it before and I have not. He starts playing with the computer [I feel like a computer widow already - put it down and watch the damn movie with me!]. I continue to watch the film. I look over and realize he's looking at Singlesnet. com [OK are you kidding me????]. He asks me what I think of the woman on the screen [Now I ask you - why on earth would you show me a picture of a woman who has sent you an ice breaker and ASK my opinion???]. I raise one eyebrow over my glasses and ask what it is that he's doing. He mentions that he got a hit on his profile from a long time ago and was curious. Then he shows me another profile that he found of a friend of his who has been married for two years.

He continues to scroll through the listings that are local to us and then puts it away - the film has ended and I just get up and go to bed - he's not tired so he stays up to watch more TV.

So I wake up and decide that being angry isn't going to get me answers. I need to think this through and sort this out.

But first - I plurk it out because I need perfect strangers ( and some new and old friends) to tell me I'm a freaking nut job - by the way - thanks guys!)

While at the beach - and plurking from my mobile ( is there no END to my obsessing??? evidently not!) It occurs to me that if that ice breaker had been in my email, I would have looked out of curiousity too. And then seeing one friend of mine - looking for more would not be a stretch either.

Which is what he said when asked directly.

But nooooooooooooo. Taking him at his word is almost too much effort. And why you ask?

Go ahead - ask!

Well I made a list. Oprah ( whom I do not care for) said list makers usually get their dreams once they get out of the shallow pool. Ok I summed the 3 page article up into one sentence but whatever - Get the Feb 2008 issue out and look it up - it was good.

My list comprised of his issues and then mine.

Here's his issues list:

1. We moved in together before the relationship was really ready.
2. He was diagnosed immediately after moving in
3. He wants this life but is having trouble giving up the old one - for reasons 1 & 2
4. His self esteem issues. They are low. To start with, factor in all that he has been through and the fact that his "safe" ego boost through performing has been taken away and I am left with a shell of man looking for all the boost he can get - Oh and my opinion is suspect because I already love him.

Here's mine:

1. We moved into together before the relationship was really ready
2. He was diagnosed right after he moved in
3. I am having trouble with my own self esteem
4. I am desparately afraid of being hurt. I can't handle emotional pain. It doesn't kill though it should.

It's a fine line I tread here.

The fact is, if we were to split up now, I would join the ranks of women who abandoned him. I want to shake him and say "Snap out of it" A la Cher on this one. On the other hand, I have always said and maintained that regardless of who it is, god help the woman that loves him, for he will want what is in the past. I actually understand that. He mourns for the past because it is known. Not necessarily comfortable and happy. But Comfort in the known entity. He also has an uncanny knack for looking at his past relationships through rose colored glasses and re-arranging them to suit his ego and how much bruising it can take. There are always shreds of the truth in each arrangement.

Of course, I'm not any better. No one is. History is written by the winner. I'm fond of that saying. Breakups are not unlike war and relationships are at times battlegrounds. So all he is doing is re-writing his personal history to make it more palatable for him. I get that. I do that too. I think to some extent everyone does. Who wants to be made a fool of and the actually remember it that way??? Answer: No one. So we subtly re-write these anecdotes to make them more palatable thus allowing us to move forward. In our heart of hearts, we know the truth and sometimes even trot out for examination though never too close.

THe thing with him is, these historical adaptations enable him to portray himself in a better light. THe neat and cool thing about him is, that he actually tries to be THAT person the next time. THus - achieving growth.

I, however, am the anomaly in this equation called life. Likewise he is mine.

15 years ago, if you had told me this is where I would be, I would have laughed you out of the room. Or had you committed for insanity. Same for him.

I expected to be married by now - though to who I am sure I don't know. It just seemed to be the natural progression of things. I knew about 10-12 years ago that there was not going to be just a generic guy that was going to date me, propose, marry, kids etc. I can't have normal. I don't think I would even know what to do with that. I always knew that living together without a formal proposal would be hard on me. I didn't know then why, but I do now. It's the trust.

We are meant to be together. I do realize that. I just don't think I realized how hard it would be. I have never lived with a man before in this capacity.

The upside to this, I discovered how much he talks about me when I am not around. I knew from his other friends while he was in the hospital and I was making the rounds. And of course our mutual friends, but I was atonished at the bar on Friday to discover that I was as much a celebrity there as he was. People I did not know where coming up to me and telling me what a good job I do taking care of him, of how much love was there, how amazing it was to see us both out and looking so good together, him telling people about my teaching and musical performance, about how he makes me dinner, etc. It was touching.

I pay for nights like that in spades. Once he catches himself being happy, he has to do something silly.

That was a really long winded explanation for my over reaction and I honestly don't expect anyone to read all of this or for that matter care. I needed to write it down and get it out so I can let it go. I need to do that more often.