Massive Upheaval

You know,when you fall in love with someone, your life changes.

Sometimes for good and sometimes for bad.

But the change is inevitable.

What I have discovered after watching two movies tonight with Jon, is how we have both changed.

Largely positive.

For example. I have realized that I have dreams and hopes. I don't think I did before. Certainly not conscious ones. But I noticed that I gave up a lot of activities that kept me "busy" and stayed home a lot more and the two of us talk and think and brainstorm and watch films and music. IN doing all of that, I noticed that what was absent before was not the presence of another person, though that is true, but the absence of hopes and dreams for the rest of my life.

What I mean to say is that I really didn't have any. I have more now. They are not complete enough in my brain to write out - but they are in my head now and more importanly imprinted on my heart.

Here's something else I have noticed. I now actually have opinions on religion and politics. I am still largely in favor of tolerance since that is the foundation our country is based on, but Ihave these opinions. I am a little bit lost and confused by them because I was in a very comfortable zone, asking the hard questions only when I wanted to and investigating them only to the point that I was comfortably doing. I am still doing all of that but the conversations and discussions between us get heated at times and get very lively in good ways - all good ways - but they leave me with the feeling that all the things I knew my whole life don't work.

Honestly - for those of you who read this since the beginning - we have had some enormous challenges in my church. THe most recent for me is the fact that Choir rehearsal is at 8:15 on Sunday mornings. THat means I am in church for 4 hours on any given week. Don't even start with me on Holidays. Now I love to sing but I simply can't be awake and sing at that hour. It's not possible.

When I really sat and Identified it - My gift was bringing music to the service. If I can't do that I am not happy.

I discovered this when I subbed into a choir rehearsal the other night at another church. That is what I miss most.

Jon wants me to help the choir out in his congregation. The church I was at lats week wants me to help them.

I don't know if I am happy with those offers or if I should just suck it up and go back to my own church and deal with a choir director I"m not crazy about to sing at a time I am not wild about all because I love and adore my priest and I grew up with these people.

I don't know the answer. I am not really unhappy with the question either. I am not making any major moves to answer it right now either. THe fact is - I don't have to.

I'll know what's right when I find it.