Fighting about money

First - Don't do it.

Second - Don't do it while under the influence of anything

Third - Don't do it.

Now that we've gotten THAT ot of the way, allow me to unravel the events that ledup to this argument.

I should warn you - objects may not be as close as they appear in this one. Reading between the lines and using your third eye and ear are really key in this.

I'm not going to belabor this post with each syllabel, just know that this argument started out about our relationship and it's status. However, with no leg to stand on and no options there, I was able, with help, to read between the lines.

I think, for me, what REALLY made me confident on the problem - was the minute he told me that I hold the money that I make versus what he isn't contributing to the household over his head every minute of every day.

So - any one who knows me 5 minutes or more knows that's not only not true, but even if I was so inclined - I wouldn't becuase the reality is ... he CANNOT work. Would we be doing better right now if he was - certainly. But We are doing OK. Not great, but we are doing OK for now.

I should mention in the absence of anything truly incriminating - he manufactured an affair that I was having with a friend of mine. I was incensed on this point as well. I may be a lot of things but one of them is not a Cheater. Just isn't me. Duplicity ? nope. Can't do it. Hell Ican't even keep the secret on surprise gifts. Don't tell me - I can't do it!!!

So I was angry and really really hurt.

I did not realize just how badly he was depressed about this. I had no clue the roots had made their home this deep. HE threatened to move out and I told him if he felt that was the solution than that was OK with me. The consequence to that action however is we are through. I have 9 years invested in this and I am not going backwards.

The next day we kind of stayed out of each others way. He went to his sisters and spent the entire day there.

I went, as it turned out, to brunch with my girlfriends. That turned out to be good and bad. I wasn't really interested in talking about this with anyone since I couldn't process all the things that happened. I mentioned some generics. YOu know - we had a fight and it was pretty bad. And yes it's the second one this week. Yes, he saw his brother twice this week which aggravates his depression anyway. One of my good friends calmly said "Well, it has to be difficult for him. He has cancer, his brother whom he took care of for 5 years is dying and nothing he can do will change that, he has chemo related neuropathy, he still has no teeth, he lives in your home, he doesn't work - other than you - what does he have? " She also mentioned that if her husband was going through all this. he would have killed himself already.

Duh.

In trying to be brief here, I will tell you that this conversation was not all at brunch. Some was on the phone while she was on her way home later in the day.

I went to teach a lesson to my massage therapist. She heard this story with more of the details. She said "I'm sorry you are in the middle of this. He's going through a growth period and he's not handling it well. Most men don't". I asked her to expand on this.

She basically said that the depression he was feeling for not contributing and being sick, and needing me and needing to rely on another human being BEFORE He was truly ready to is making him a little nuts. He had a meltdown and blamed me. She made some good and salient points about how he needs to be around more healthy couples and that he's a social person who's not leaving hte house and spending all day and all night with me

And it's not my fault.

And these two wise women are completely right.

After that, I went home and really thought about things. I took out the Unitarian medallian that I boughthim for his birthday - something that he really wanted and was looking for. I put it in a tiffany box and left it under the remote in hte living room ( knowing he would see it right away LOL). He came home from his sisters.

He walked into the bedroom. I was lying on the bed in dark red satin lounge pants, a silk dark red velvet plaid top and my hair was loose and I was in my glasses reading.

He paused in the doorway, looked at me silently. I looked up and he smiled. He told me about his sister's new home and the game they watched. He went to the living room, came back with the box in his hand and said " I do not deserve this - where did you find it?" We just looked at each other for one long moment. He broke off the look and said that he wanted to take me to a special restaurant one of these days. This is huge by the way, he takes dates there, wives, girlfriends and NO ONE ELSE. And he's picky about who he shares this with. So I am feeling that he's moved past the relationship thing a little bit.

We talked about where I found the medallion. He told me he was going to watch some TV and to go back to sleep.

Monday morning came and things were in a quiet truce. I spoke to my best friend finally and she basically told me how he mentionef this to her and I hit the roof. She decided in that instant that he was crossing and blurring lines of reasonability wiht her and that he was no longer allowed to discuss these things wiht her.

It's now Wednesday night. He spent the day in bed. Sleeping - not feeling so great. He's a bit withdrawn and quiet, but not anything that's overly worrisome yet.

I don't know what this outcome will be. We shall see if we can move past it. He needs to relax a bit and I am just trying to be sensitive to his internal situations.