At an emotional impasse

My life is stranger than fiction.

No, no, no. It is. I am used to it, but I forget when people like yourselves pick up and read this blog, how unreal some of the things that happen to me must seem.

And yet they are all true.

I noticed this week that I am in an amazingly good mood and when the mood is this good, I don't write in my blog. Why is that? Wouldn't you think I would WANT to document happy occasions? I mean, happy for me - not just ordinary happy occasions like wedding and baby showers with 400 dollar strollers.

I have been working on this post since Valentines Day and keep setting aside. I love stories of how couples got together. I mean long term couples. I find in these stories the coincidences that could have caused the lives to go a different way. Like the couple who meets but they are both involved with others and they keep meeting one only one was single, until the universe deemed the timing right and they both meet and party or a friends home or whatever. This is an example of the kind of thing I am talking about. I have a friend, Maplemama, who met her husband at a wedding where she caught the bouquet and he caught the garter, but then didn't see each other again till much later. When they finally met, it was their time. The couple in my first example, they kept running into each other until the universe said "OK ENOUGH IT'S YOUR TIME NOW".

I love that.

I see these things happen and I like to dissect them and figure out where it went right AND where it went wrong. Especially for myself. I'm very trepidacious with myself though. I am usually the one who will deny myself that crazy raw emotional feeling that comes in the beginning. I will not even acknowledge it for fear that I will jeopardize the whole shebang. So when do you know it's your time? When Do I know it's my time? Is the nervousness gone? Is the shyness that suddenly disappears and the intense feeling of comfort a sign?

I just don't know.

Not yet, anyway. Too soon to tell.

So I continue to sit back and let the universe make it's decisions for me. I am not one who gives my heart that easily but when I do, it's the whole deal. I spent many years in love with the entirely WRONG person because I made the mistake of confusing sex and love. Not the first person to make that mistake, I realize and I chalk to my 20's and discovery of myself. The reality was I wasn't in love with that person and the more I see of him and his family now, the more confirmed that becomes for me. So with that experience behind me from my 20's, I now am a little bit more selective about who I allow myself to care for. It's really easy for me to care for someone and really hard for me to recover when it doesn't work is no longer an option.

But I have a neat little talent within myself. What I do, is I look at love in a multi layer type of cake. There is friendship love, there is familial love, there is romantic love, and then there is long term accepting love. Each layer can operate independently. They can operate in almost any version of combinations. They can operate as a whole.

So when one layer is no longer functioning or has been blasted into the universe, I review the other layers in that combination and decide are the remaining layers worth fighting to keep in my life and is it something that will work for both people? If I can step back after the healing has started and my soul says yes, I immediately re-group and start working at the new relationship.

My example is the guy from my 20's. He's happily married with children now. I adore his wife and we are all good friends. But the reality is, if that were me, we'd be divorced. So the universe was using him as a teaching tool for me. He taught me a lot of things about myself that I wouldn't know when I did and I don't regret a sinlge instance of that. The pain was worth the knowledge that I have about myself now.


Back to the layer analogy, the soul's ability to say "yes" to the a new layer combination minus the romantic love, is the tough part. I have to really let go, and let my inner soul do the talking and that has taken YEARS of practice. The tendency, when any kind of breakup or parting of the ways happens, is to keep that person around in any capacity in hopes of a reconciliation. I am the first one to say I am guilty of that. But that's not doing your human-ness a good turn at all. That doesn't teach you the lesson you needed to learn from the breakup of with that person. The breakup is a sign that this is either A. the wrong person for you or B. The right person for RIGHT NOW to teach you something specific so that C. When the right person arrives or returns to your life, you are in the right position to accept them.

When the soul finally comes to the decision that its ready to take on the new blended version of the relationship, it's going to be hard and take some work. You have to commit to it up front. And it requires communication, honesty and respect for the persn and the space that the two of you need. I find that if I put the work in and a few months down the road that person is mysteriously absent from my personal terain, than I wasn't that committed and I was holding that person to me for selfish reasons and hoping for the reconcilliation.

So I have an open ended question ahead of me. And I truthfully do not have a blessed clue about the answer yet.

But for the very first time ever in my life, I am not shy about it, I am not afraid of it and I have made my peace with whatever is the universe's decisions. There is no jealousy of others and there is no fear.

Only hope.

Because through hope, and through the universe's lovely methods, I have gained back the willingness to risk my heart when the time is right. I have gained the confidence that if I lose this round, there will be others and I will be fine.

Happy Easter!