The holidays- Joy and Peace

The holidays.

I love them but yet I hate them.

Everyone I know strives to have the "perfect" Christmas.

You know the ones I mean. The Norman Rockwell Christmas. The tree, snow falling ( region permitted of course), lights with not one out, candles in the window, carols on the stereo, good food, eggnog, fruitcake, presents under the tree, all that good family feeling....

You get the idea.

And it rarely happens that way - at least not for my family.

I have discovered, for myself, that the holidays tend to make me cry. A lot. And if there are things happening that would normally not work for me.... they are just exacerbated by the holidays.

Oh I chase that perfect Christmas like everyone else. It's a goal - and it's good to be goal driven.

I have had a lot on my plate for a long while. It's not making this season easy for me.

My job is hell. I have managed, quite convincingly, to tell myself that it's just a job and does not define who I am. I don't always believe it, but I work hard at it. I have spent an enormous chunk of my career serving customers and doing it well. I have a boss who is inconsistent. He will give direction one way, and then criticize you for it. It's very hard for the people pleaser that I am, to please this man. I am tired. I am psychologically battered for hearing the constant criticism, everything I do is wrong and the constant blame. I know there are some folks ( Lisa the Scalemistress) who would say and have said "Get another job".

Of Course they are right. It's not fiscally possible right now. But Come the end of January, if I don't see change, I will be posting out to another position. I just cannot abide by the abuse to much longer. I have set that date as a hard date and I did it for my customer.

My love life is - well, we'll call it interesting for now. Not bad, but I'm not living on Cloud 9. The letter I sent to my best friend was received better than I expected. He was actually complimentary on it. We talked yesterday. After a hellacious day at work for me that left me in tears.... not the best timing. But we have a tendency to get the emotions rolling high and one of us leaves. He didn't want to do that again. His depression is lifting. Not quickly, but it is getting better. He's running again, he's cut back on the drinking and he's communicating. He's not going anywhere. He needs space, which is OK. He needs some time. But "we" are OK. Or we will be.

I'm not crazy about some of the side effects of this, but I am desperately trying to come to terms and deal with them till he's better.

What this has done to me though, is start the holiday tears way in advance. I've been crying for weeks. Hell I'm crying now. When he leaves, I cry. The day I know he's going home, I cry. It's insane. I miss him when he's not here.

Depression is a crazy thing. I jokingly told him that its starting to be contagious. I am not actually depressed - I am just aching for the pain that he has been in and continues to be in.

I have never loved someone enough to care about the pain they are in to this degree. Don't get me wrong, because I know that sounds horrible. My best friends and family - I feel awful when they are in pain. I want to help them as much as is possible. But I never felt helpless before in the face of depression in someone I love like this.

I saw my priest on wed. We talked about this pretty extensively and he and I are in agreement as it turns out. I know I can't fix the problem. I am not actually the problem at all.

I am an action person. If there's a problem - I need to address it. I need to fix it. I need to be right there with the sword and the shield.

This is a hard lesson for me and my best friend and I are walking this road together. He's not leaving, he doesn't want to. We are too important to one another. Something I truly never thought would happen.

He is a patient man. He forgives a lot with me. I am not good at relationships. I try too hard to be the exact thing for that person. Not this time - but in my past, yes. He lets me be me and insists on it. We are honest with each other and we are working on this. I really thought that wasn't going to happen. We are both lucky people.

This holiday is going to be tough. Because through both these difficult and painful situations, I am trying to be in good spirits and still chase the perfect holiday. I have a lot to do in terms of music and the work that goes into that. I performed a children's breakfast last weekend and frankly I couldn't get into the spirit of the thing. My heart ached and a friend who's mother just died was there, so I ached for that too. Any way you looked at it, I don't know how I got through those 2 hours. I have to decorate my house this weekend. I have a performance tonight and tomorrow, I have Christmas Eve services, a lunch next week... my best friend's birthday is next week.

We are all busy. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, this is the season of advent. Advent is important. It's a time to be quiet and plan for the coming of the Baby Jesus. It's a time to reflect and rest. I am trying to put the peace back into my life and do this.

So I pass this one to you. Regardless of faith - I pray for peace and joy for all of you during this season.

Happy Hanukkah for those of you celebrate!

PS - I hit 32 lbs down today!