Sad Eyes, turn the other way....

Old song - for those of you old enough to remember it.

I danced with the man I love to this song back in April. I have a video of it.

It's one I no longer watch.

In writing, this kind of thing is known as foreshadowing.

Who knew that this song would turn out to be so true?

heartbreak is horrible. Being the one who initiated it? Turns out that the only good thing about that is you can't get blind sided.

I am going to do my best to write through this. The frequency may go down as I can't promise my stamina is going to be there.

But writing through other things, seemingly less painful than this, seemed to hold me in good stead. Seeing the bravery of Post-Doc and Title Troubles and Maplemama in their writing has really shown me that I can do this and maybe it Will be helpful.

You will be treated to a very "uncontessa-like" set of behaviours. To be sure. They range from anger, to tears, to happiness, to peace, to all kinds of things.

For now just know that I am grappling one singular question:

How do I trust a man who still wants me in his life today, but who had requested 5 years ago that we remain friends, best friends, and then proceeded to treat me badly for five years in the hopes that I wouldn't be in love with him anymore? I have no frame of reference for how he should treat me as a friend because I have never exprienced it. How do I do that? How do I address that?

Trust me, its rhetorical for you folks. It will be a reality for him.

I have not yet posed this question to him. I will be doing that tomorrow. Once we debate that for 2 or 3 hours ( that's the minimum ANY questions between us takes) I will be in a better position to decide if he is allowed to continue on in my life.

He means well. He does. But he is not doing this for me. Do not be fooled. He is doing this to assuage his own guilt and grief at our situation.

Perhaps I am being overly dramatic at this juncture, but I do not understand why he needs me in his life. Surely he can find another person who will love him enough for him to treat badly, no?

( see ??? if you wait patiently, there's the anger masked as sarcasm - just wait - there is much more of that to come!)

I am now at the point of wearing my bed and walking around wrapped in a blanket. I had Cold stone ice cream for dinner, not even all of it - how sad. I couldn't bring myself to eat more. I don't think I have ever gone through that level of heart break where I COULDN'T eat.... huh.

I am taking something to sleep at night for now, I sleep whenever I can as a matter of fact. I took a nap this afternoon. I could sleep now without thinking about it. I am trying to maintain my regular schedule as much as possible. I fake a lot of happiness with the kids whenever I can and try to hold the tears back to the car ( when it's not in motion, thank you) or the house. But once they start, do not be fooled, they are not easily turned off.

Same with the anger. Once I get rolling, get out of the way. It goes from sarcasm, to biting then I just lash out altogether.

I am writing through this in part too, because I am feeling very much alone. Please remember that "our" friends locally are not involved at all and can't know anything. So I am restricted who I can speak to. My priest is on vacation. So I am doing all of this in my private blog and extracting the parts that do not overly reveal for this one.

I haven't been through something like this in so long, even I don't remember how badly this hurts. It's a small wonder why I refuse to fall in love again. This is the part that sucks.

You know what's funny, when I am really down and out I grasp for the tarot cards, the psychics, the mystics. Hell I even thought about Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends network for a brief second. And while I am always afraid of the hacks and very good at not giving leading information out, I am always surprised when they are so accurate.

Part of me really needs to know. And Part of me is scared as hell to know.

So I threw the numbers out. I closed the websites.

Back to the grey world.

For now.