I have a little bit of the "Extra sensory" gifts.
Whew.
The secret is out.
Since I chose to ignore them after a very scary bus trip involving a ouji board in High School, they are truly undeveloped. ( Bus number 2 of the 4 buses on a trip to tanglewood arts festival was predicted to crash and it did. Scary we knew enough in time to switch buses....)
I can do things like be my own personal Caller ID ( I always know who the "private caller" is, or predicting email or postal arrivals of specific items or when the phone is going to ring, or worse yet pick it up before it does. But nothing major.
I was able to stack the deck of cards fairly regularly without a lot of effort in college. I choose not to gamble, but win when I do. Traditional gambling that is.
I tend towards herbal work for health, but don't dabble in weird stuff. No burning of incense or anything like that. I had a friend who was a Wicca, but we aren't friends anymore, though we are friendly. She told me on more than one occasion that my interests could lead me down this path.
I believe in Goddesses and think that I am one..... but I like to think that's more beauty and pampering related. I read up on this stuff disguised as normal books. I didn't even nrealize that was what I was doing till someone pointed it out to me.
The most extreme things to me are tarot cards ( I throw them often actually) and psychics. I have refused to have a full session with one since my dad died. Given the state of affairs right now I probably need to go again.
Given this knowledge, I was driving to the Grocery store, listening to my ipod. I loaded a bunch of songs that wouldn't depress me overly much, but mean things to me, on from Itunes. After driving past the whore's street and yelling WHORE at the street where the other woman lives ( Post-Doc should be SO proud of me) to obviously only me since I was alone in the car, the tune Roseanna by Toto came on.
I love this song. I don't care who else hates it - tough.
But it was a very dear friends favorite tune for a lot of years. He passed away four years ago. Right after my dad. He was my age and he died of esophagial Cancer. He told only his family and his best friend.
Mark was a unique and special person. Oh he had his asshole moments to be sure, but we loved him and he loved us.
Mark was a drummer. An AMAZING one. He was never happier than behind his set, with his kit laid out and a good vibe going. He would play to almost anything but loved Rush, Toto, anything along those lines.
We were all friends for a zillion years. Lena, Andy, Mark, JP and myself.
I should tell you that I did see a psyhic at a party for 10 minutes. I don't think this counts. But in that 10 minute meeting I was looking for my dad. No one else. Evidently there was a crowd on the other side waiting on me. Mark was amongst them. I put him off because I wanted my dad. That was 2 years ago and he's been really patient.
So here's the story.
When the man I love and I were doing this dance 5 years ago, Mark called me up one day and asked me to meet him for coffee. We hooked up at a place in the town between us and had coffee and salads. We talked about a barter system for teaching music lessons.
Then a week later, he called and asked me for money. A sum that was larger than I could accommodate. He wanted to meet me at the bar where my man was playing for a drink and the exchange.
I told him that I didn't have it, but we could still have the drink if he wanted to meet me there.
He said He underestood and that it was OK as he wasn't drinking.
It didn't register at the time.
At all.
He was already ridden with cancer. I know this now.
Today in the car, as I was driving, a strange peaceful feeling washed over me. I had the feeling he was sitting with me. IN a strange way, he was conveying to me, that yes that's the reason he wanted the money, but he didn't want me to give it out of guilt. He doesn't fault me for not giving the money either.
I don't feel guilty - I truly didn't have it. But I feel strange. I don't always believe in this stuff. I look down my nose at it a lot. It's scary - let's face it. But the fact is, I think it's out there. I believe in it enough to know that I have a little bit of it, and so do a LOT of people. Most don't even know it.
Scoff if you will. But this all ties in to what's happening to me today.
You see. My man and Mark are very similar in personality. It never occurred to me before until Mark came to me today. In a flash, I realized that Mark was telling me things that I never knew. I don't know if I always knew these things or if they are only coming to light now given the situation that I am in. I simply do not know.
But I do know that Mark was the younger version of this man that I love whom I am in a crisis situation with now.
Mark himself had no future, or didn't to his way of thinking. Neither does my man. Or so he believes.
Mark only knew how to do the one thing that he loved: his music. Same with my man.
He was overseas during Desert Storm. My man was in the army 30 years ago.
I've known Mark since I was three years old. I met my man when I was three years old.
Mark lost his mom to breast cancer and his sister to leukiemia, my man is losing his brother to ALS.
Both of them came to me when the stakes were high and needed something.
I was never in love with Mark. There was an attraction that was on again off again but never acted upon. Usually one of us was in some kind of other situation. So it was just friends until death for us. And that actually happened as it turned out.
So what did I learn from this? That I have really crappy taste in men? I don't think so. Both are tragic tormented souls. And for that I am sorry for them. But Mark never treated me badly as a friend or anything else. not ever. Except for not telling me he was sick. And I understand that. I really do.
My man did treat me badly. In any capacity that I was and am in with him. Of course, if Mark had lived to be fifty, he might have treated me badly too.... winky winky.... but I doubt it.
There's some kind of lesson here that pertains to me. I haven't investigated it out yet. I need to focus on it and meditate on it a bit and maybe find a trusted psychic and investigate it out there.
The fact is that these some other connection I think. It doesn't alter what is happening currently and certainly DOES NOT justify it any way. It won't change the path that I decided to be on at all. I am not seeing him. Not now. I won't dictate forever, but it may come to that. And I am mentally prepared for it, if we come to that. The practical day to day will be tough, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime I want to narrow down this connection because I want to be prepared to learn from it.
There are many of you that will think I am a little freaky for this post. Most of my closest friends don't know these things about me. I do NOT broadcast them and I do NOT do anything about with them.
well - except stack the kitty in euchre and pinnochle.... Didn't you ever wonder how all the 9's an 10's got there??? or my favorite - queens around? Or making sure that Bernie and I always had both bowers when the chips were down?
Come on..... I'm not the good of a dealer....
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