If you were to be granted one wish, what would it be?

If I were to be granted one wish what would it be?

This is a major dilemma.

When I was young it was to have the resources needed to live a full and happy life. And at that time, that meant money. But that has changed for me now.

Not that money is not an important factor, but it’s no longer the only factor. Money assists not only for material things but for better health as well. And health is a major factor as we age. Money can be earned, borrowed, won. But is it the most important thing? We can’t live without it, but it should not be the only thing we live for. While it can certainly make the living more comfortable of course….

Now, I’m not noticing that as I am aging, health issues are becoming more of a focus. Not that my health is any more in jeopardy now than when I was younger. However, I do notice it in our parents. And that’s where the concern is, of course. As we get older, so do our parents and grandparents. This means new health issues, bodily functions working different, slowing down. Living situations may have to change. Things like that.

My mom had a wonderful idea that if she and her best friend lose their “Bobs” ( both women are married to a Bob) they will check into a nursing home together, drink their white wine and play their card game – shit. That’s the actual title – shit. I don’t profess to know or understand this game, though I have watched them play it for years. If this is something that will make the two of them happy – I am all for it.

So clearly health is a question and a possible wish to have better health BUT not eternal life. Eternal Life would be a drag I think. All the people you love would pass one but you would keep hanging around. And at what age? Do you get to pick? That’s an entire other question. Maybe an entire post.

Another wish is to have happiness. Now that brings another perspective with it. Can one feel happiness ALL the time? How would you know if you have no other emotion to compare it to? I think if I were to choose this one it would have a lot of codicils to it. I think it’s important to feel sadness, grief, rage, happiness, and yes even ambivelance.

Peace would be a better choice – though trite. Peace for the world? Yes but a hell of a big job and not one that has an immediate fix. The world is an amazing place but pretty messed up overall. It needs a large group of able bodied and able minded folks with the same common goal to really get it in shape. Not an easy task when you have the human race as it is today. Too many hidden agenda’s and politics. It needs a lot of work is my point. Personal inner peace? Yeah I think that one might work. Peace with myself, my loved ones and the world around me? I could probably select that wish.

Then there’s of course love. Love kind of comes in a unique package. You can have a partner in life that you love and are loved by. You can be loved by your family and love them in return and love and be loved by your friends. Would you choose Love when you most like already have it?

Seriously at the end of the day? I think Peace is my choice. I hate to be all Miss America here, but world and inner peace is the way to go. My reasons are not what you think. Because good health can be achieved with work, love I already have in many fashions, money can be earned, but peace? Peace is a good wish. Peace on earth, good will toward men? Not just a pithy saying. World peace is something to strive for.. Inner peace needs to happen in order for any other kind to take place. I will wish for inner peace and work towards that goal instead.

If you were to be granted one wish what would it be? from If ( Questions for the Game of Life) by Evelyn McFarlane & James Saywell.

A Visit

I went to visit the director of the Chorale that I am a ringer with. He wants me to learn O Holy Night in French. I've Latin, English and Italian so french was a new one.

The language isn't a challenge and who doesn't know O Holy Night?

We reviewed that and a little bit of the Rossini, then we started to chit chat. Until recently I felt he looked down on me to be honest. He always assigned someone to "help" me "learn" notes. But in speaking with him, I found out that I was rather highly regarded and he was very pleased with the rep that I have been working on.

We did the usual trading of war stories from school, my undergrad days at Crane, his at Eastman. He's older than my parents are but not quite old enough to my grandparent. His wife joined us, we had a lovely time talking about our "technique" classes. She told me how horribly she did at brass techniques and I Laughed suitably because her husband is a trombonist. She laughed suitably at my violin stories, being a violist herself. And Both went crazy when I described my trombone final where I put the slide on the floor and backed up till I heard the correct note in 7th position. ( I'm five foot 2 inches! I would be Ape woman if I had arms for THAT).

They are some serious musicians but they have done it all. I am envious that they found each other in college. College sweethearts that he said he thanks God for every day that his wife was groomed from elementary school to attend Eastman. otherwise they wouldn't have met. He's from Pennsylvania, she from Long Island NY. They are a lovely couple and though I should not have been talking today at all... at least I had something to speak with, I really enjoyed my chat with them.

I think one of the things that I bring to the table as a soloist is not just that ability to do the job technically and professionally, but I am human about it. My friend Jenna, oh wise one that she is, stated once that sometimes the "best" person doesn't get the gig because they are unpleasant to work with. Meaning when two people equal in strength at the technical and musical aspects, the one who is easier to work with will get the gig. and directors only make that mistake once.

This director is such a perfect example. He made the mistake last year. And vowed NEVER again. Now he's throwing the protege of HIS protege the work. Oh yes, it's little stuff right now. But around here, you don't walk in as a newcomer and get all the big stuff right away. You have to earn your stripes. I'm doing just that. I also don't expect anything from him. I am just happy to have the privilege of singing under his direction and I let him know that and thank him for the opportunity each and every time.

It really does pay to be nice and easy to work with.

Life is strange

I have some kind of bronchial thing.

That's not the part that's strange though.

I am a professional "ringer" for one specific group. Meaning I don't attend every rehearsal, though I do try to get to as many as possible out of professional courtesy to those who do attend all, and I perform in their concerts. It's a conflict on the rehearsal nights hence the reason I am considered a "ringer". I have earned my keep with them, they trust me and they like me now. I won't sing with them unprepared ever. They are superb group of people.

I went last night and was astounded to see a former church choir member sitting there. Interesting, I think. She is older than I am by at least 15 years maybe more, a breast cancer survivor. She plays the flute and sings soprano. And she's VERY competitive. And not in the smart way. Most people who are competitive work hard to be worthy of the competition and be at the top of their game. Oh no. not this one. She just expects that she will get everything and not have to work at it.

She has a lot of talent. That much I can guarantee you but most of it is un-tapped. It's a pity because I think the gift is there with her flute playing but since I was 12 years old, she's been jealous of me ( I only realize this now - because she told me) . Which is nuts. I was a 12 year old for heavens sake. Be that as it may.

The director came to me during the break and assigned me somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-8 solo's to learn in a variety of Languages and performance opps.

Then I lost my voice. Ironically during jingle bells.

It certainly wasn't jingling all the way. I was vocally tired on easy pieces. Harder pieces were better, but I was vocally shot by the end of seemingly easy program.

I awoke this morning to having absolutely nothing. Over the course of the day, it would cut in and out but not at my normal voice - I would go from nothing to a croaking. I ended up with a low grade fever by the end of the day. I slept it off, continued to take my drugs, and I have something back, but not much. I am coughing now which is a huge help. I am sick to DEATH of tea. I am on a crash course to get well. I am resting like crazy and not talking at all ( For those of you who know me well... STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!)

It figured that no sooner do I get a lot of work to do and I can't even do it because the tool isn't working!

C'est La vie...... It has 24 hour and then we hit Herr Doktor tomorrow if a significant improvement isn't made.

The Count down begins

I find it strange that only in the United States has Christmas become SUCH a huge big deal.

In France and Germany and indeed, most of western Europe they don't even put their trees up until the week before Christmas. And you don't see those HUGE inflatable Christmas lawn decorations.

For me, I love Christmas. It's a time for family, wonderful decorations that we grew up with scattered with new ones that become old soon enough. We have our Hummel nativities in the family that I cherish and they have history too. My mom gave up our old white electric star after years of trying to find a star or angel that she like better. I am sure it got tossed but I don't recall when.

There was a time when my mom made all these felt birds and ornaments and some of those still go on the tree along with a christmas card I made her with a gingerbread on it when I was in pre-k. I hesitate to describe it but for some reason I decided that the gingerbread needed teeth and teeth he got. Jaws teeth. He looks the evil gingerbread. Run Run as fast you can - you can't catch me - he's the scary ginger bread man.

I got my first "grown -up" tree this year. Up until now I have had my 4 1/2 foot Harrows tree. Its probably 10 years old. I just bought a 6 1/2 foot pre-lit tree. I cannot wait for it get here. I just got my issue of Martha Stewart Living with some great ideas for decorating the house. I cannot wait.

My mom LOVES Christmas. So by all rights so do the rest of us. We look forward to it every year. The music starts on Thanksgiving ( So seriously, who kidnapped the Carpenters CD? It's been MIA for a couple of years now - not that I miss it.... ) and goes straight on through January. My mom does classic, and elegant decorations in the house. She doesn't have any baudy or cheesy decorations. It's all soft and warm and heavenly. I look forward to that day every year.

This year it will be at my brothers. I fully expect this to be different but similar. He and my mom have similar tastes and their home is beautiful. I expect the same family warmth - double the size at the least, the same music, food, classic decorations the whole shebang. I am looking forward to it this year.

The only difference is my brother's decorations will make it down before Valentines day.

My mom's won't.

She's a hoot!

A new beginning

First Impressions are sometimes fatal.

I have spoken of a family situation of late for you guys and there is something new that has not been written about but I think is a good thing.

I have had a negative view of my family until recently. Oh I love them - so much. I have amazing respect for all of them but nevertheless, negativity.

And I know why. And it's NOT WHO I AM to be like that.

I think in some unique way that this situation had more good come of it than bad. I can't emphasize enough how valuable this lesson has been to me. I allowed someone else's opinion to formulate my own. I am much smarter than that. I was kicking myself for awhile after I realized it because I lost time with people I love because I allowed this person to put the wedge in.

Knowing this, I have my guard up against that. I won't relax it either because the relationships that were once strained are so much more relaxed and easy and I am not interested in sacrificing that for another person who can't give me the love and support that the rest of the family can.

I went against my actual upbringing. Sometimes that's good, and sometimes its not. This was a poor choice on my part and I will be working hard moving forward to address and make sure it doesn't happen again.

My mom always said it bothered her that her children weren't close. Now I won't assume responsibility for the other 4, but I can certainly make sure that I am more accessible to my siblings and work to build those relationships up.

This is a golden opportunity that I don't intend to pass up!

Work is work and personal is personal

For some people this concept is easy. For others not so much.

I fell into the latter.

One day I woke up and realized that I needed to separate my career from my life. I was astounded to find I didn't actually have a life.

You know the expression - get a life? Well I did.

I work in a high pressured environment. It is a job that can easily become 24x7x365 without a blink of an eye. The trick is balance - what can wait till tomorrow? What needs to be done now? What is the customer's true priority?

I have become adept at answering all of these things - but my 20's are gone and I can't get that time back. So I am making the most of the time I have now.

I taught a student last night who, by rights, could be me at that age. Right down to her birthday being the day before mine. She's in her teens however. And she has no real life. She is all about school work and sleep. She is having some difficulties with time management. I have been trying to teach her about time management and not making the same mistakes that I did. Of course, as always there are differences. I occasionally sacrificed grades for friends and for music as it was my intended career choice at that time. I was a procrastinator as she is and a detail freak ( and I still am). She has the same issues with self control that I had at that age too.

I was giving her her lesson when my cell phone rang. It was my boss. I looked at the phone because though I have personalized ringtones for each person in my phone book and a generic one for numbers I don't know, I absolutely couldn't believe that my boss was calling on the Friday night of a holiday weekend. The 20 year old me, would have excused myself, returned the call and left early to work on whatever the call was for. I listened patiently to the voice mail and made the decision that this can wait until Monday. Then I turned my attentions back to my student and discussion why she had not time for practice again.

What I noticed with her is that she has developed a pattern over the years. She works from January to June like a pro. From June through December it's me getting angry for not practicing, me lecturing, her being disappointed in herself, her crying, us working out time lines and different practice techniques to get the most bang for you buck and most definitely NOT in that order. Then January comes and I don't have to tell her anything. She just does it. And well. She 's truly gifted on the piano. She loves it too which is more important.

This week her report card came home while I was there as well. So we had to add that to the mix. This is a true straight A student. And yet the comments bother her. She doesn't like them. I found them funny. I mean, A+ in a class and the comment is Works Satisfactorily? That's code for something I won't print here! My other favorite was A+ in a class and the comment is excessive lateness. So that caused an emotional outburst. I personally would have taken the straight A's an partied like a lunatic. But that's me now, that wouldn't have been me at the same age. I explained that those two qualify in the "stupid" category. Logically if the lateness was adversely affecting her grade - she wouldn't have an A+. And this is an easy one to fix. Get up on time.

So we had the discussion about time mgmt. I told her she was on strike 1 of three strikes and you're out. I talked her through some time mgmt techniques and she's going to give them from now until January to try them out and make sure that they are doable.

The moral of the story here, Adults are not the only ones who can't separate the two. Kids suffer more now than we did at that age. Partly because the school work is rather intense in the honors classes as far as time goes not necessarily difficulty. Kids are also spread too thin in general. Kids should have 2 or 3 activities and that's it. I had a ton at that age and all through High school and I suffered the stress that goes with that and I have to tell you that it wasn't until I was a senior in HS that I got it under control. I did it by scheduling my AP classes in the Morning taking 2 study halls and a lunch back to back and going home to sleep during the day. I came back in time for Band/orchestra. I was a work-a-holic even as a student.

I'm not anymore. I sleep at night - very well thank you. I do not have medical scares because of unusually high stress levels. And most of all at night when I stop working - I'm truly done unless it is my week to be on call or I have PLANNED after hours activities.

I teach music lessons but it seems that I wear more hats than just that. I am teacher, parent, counselor, friend, minister, doctor, you name it. Last night, I was life lessons coach.

I hope she learns it now. My boss is heading for a heart attack that we cannot prevent. I don't want that to be this child's future.

The grass is always greener

I heard an expression by a comedienne once:

Curly-haired people want straight hair, Straight-haired people want curly hair and bald men want everyone to be blind.

Essentially that sums up the post I am embarking on.

Basically, the grass is always greener. Fat people want to be thin, thin people try to gain weight.

morning people want to be night owls, night owls want to be morning people.

So why is it that human beings can't be satisfied with what they have and have the capability of producing?

A question as sold as time, and I have no answer that is any better than any other. But I do have some thoughts on this.

There is a way to be content with what you have. I firmly believe that and in light of the thanksgiving holiday this seems like a good time to address this. Only I don't always know how to go about this.

I had an eight year old child say to me once, that the most important thing she is trying to learn is how to be happy with what she has and not want more. Eight. Yes, seriously. She's an exceptionally bright only child of exceptionally bright only children. I did not know how to react to that comment.

With my weight I want to be thin. I know what I need to do to get there and I am not interested in a "quick fix". I don't expect to be model thin and frankly it's not healthy. I don't look at thin people and wish up on a star. Not anymore. I know how to achieve my goal and I just need to keep working at it every day.

With my music, I want to be better than I am but I know that requires work too. It also requires some psych maneuvers for auditions and that sort of thing. It also requires people to believe in you. If they are throwing tomatoes at you, this is probably not your gig. I have the talent to do the job. I have the drive to do the job. It just requires patience.

I have a home that I love. It's the perfect size for just me. Is it my little stone cottage in french countryside? no. But that's OK - I pretend that it is. And that's what makes it good.

The truth is, other than a mate, I am content with what I have. I am not a fiend for money, so I don't WANT more - of course, if it comes to me I will not turn it down.

As for finding a mate.... I am happy whether I have one or not. I would LIKE one though and that's also OK. But I'm not sad at being a single person. It enables certain freedoms that married people don't have. By the same token married people have a built in date for national holidays and there is someone around to take care of and to care for you. So each way has it's plusses and minuses. Man was not meant to be alone. God made Eve out of Adam's rib to be his companion. However I will not marry just to be married. So I persevere on, meeting new people and seeing what happens.

So back to my original dilemma. Can people want what they have? And what if they don't know how to accomplish that? Is there a way to change the mindset ? I don't know when my mindset changed or even if it really ever did. I would love to hear your feed back on this since it boggles my mind.

By the way I would like to extend a warm welcome to my brother who has found my blog after such a short lived search - Bravo Bud! I knew you would find me! Love you! We had a nice day yesterday!


So to end where I began... Is it possible to Have what you want and want what you have?

I think so.

Follow-up to Next Steps

This post is a follow-up to next steps.

The whole Thanksgiving thing set in fine relief. I'm not sure if I was clear about what happened here.

I spent the day with my brother and his wife and her family. I couldn't have asked for anything better than this unless it was to have my mom and step dad here too.

At the end of the day - these holidays are about family and friends and giving thanks. B's mom made a wonderful meal with some dishes also provided by her grandmother.

I had a lot of good food and even better conversation. This to me is what family is about.

My family is made up of a rather distinctly unusual and bright and talented people. It's not a stretch really. All of us are super bright regardless of which end of the gene pool we came out of.

B's family is very similar in that regard. They are wonderfully bright and sensitive caring people. I really love that she and her family have joined with us. More importantly I love that my brother married the right girl for him. Their children will be a hoot and I can't wait for nieces or nephews that will actually know who I am. I love them already!

In short my brother and I are closer now. Not due to this holiday specifically but some family events of late. This makes me so happy. We talk like we haven't in years. He makes me laugh. All of you who know me and think I'm the funny one?? WRONG - he's the funny one. I'm the straight man.

I had one of the most relaxed days in a long time on Thursday. Christmas is with both families at my brother's house - that's going to be a blast and I can't wait. Last year was with B's family and if that's any indication I'm really looking forward to it. It's so nice to have a big family.

Thanksgiving Eve

It's actually officially Thanksgiving day.

If I were a different person or had some kind of evil personality transplant I would laugh and rub my hands together in evil glee.

You see the family member that hadn't invited me for Thanksgiving is now not even cooking for her guests as they have a family emergency to attend to that is life or death.

That part is sad and I feel very badly ( even with the evil persona) that this family is dealing with this tragedy at all, let alone on a holiday.

However.

That family member now is going to the cousin's home at the last minute and just tonight wondered what I was doing.

The real me, felt badly, that I was unable to invite them to where I was going. But not badly enough to say anything. When I was asked what I was doing, they were suprised to find my mom out of town. I, of course, reminded them that I had this conversation 2 weeks ago with them. Good will all around regardless. But funny that now the shoe is on the other foot.

I wish I could have truly enjoyed that moment. But All I could see was irony. and the thought that was go around comes around.

Meanwhile I LOVE this holiday. It is the only one that you can go to other's homes, there is no gift giving pressure, there is no religious overtones for people to navigate ( especially in multi-cultured homes like mine) and overall it's just about good food, good company and giving thanks for the blessings in your life whatever they may be.

For fear of being repetitive from yesterday, no one will spoil this for me.

Our interfaith service was wonderful. We had representatives from the Lutheran church, the Presbyterian church, the Congregational church, the Catholic Church, the Reformed Jewish Temple, the Orthodox Temple, The Mosque, The Greek Orthodox Church and the Episcopal Church ( we hosted). the choir had our normal 8 ( out of 10) and we had 8 members total from the other places of worship. It was a lovely service and I enjoyed it immensly.

I am headed for bed now as I have to sing at church at 10AM and then I can come home and chill out before heading to my sister-in-laws.

I give my thanks for my family, my friends, the roof over my head, the careers that I have, the cats I adore, and my good health.

I love you all!

Desparately in need of a mental health day

I'm tired.

Not physically. But emotionally. I want a day to not have to THINK about anyone I don't want to or anything I don't want to.

And Wednesday November 22 is my day.

I have a couple of have-to's to take care of - have to walk, have to teach 2 kids, have pick up the house.... but that night is my want to - the annual interfaith service. It's my favorite and it is so much fun. We have such a wonderful time. And this year my church, St Judes, is hosting.

We are singing "For the Beauty of the Earth" by Rutter. I hate the tune to be honest, because it is soooooo overdone. But it's suitable for words and technically do-able. So we go with it. Last year it was "look at the world" also Rutter. Wonderful piece and I love the Mass for the Children that it comes from. If you ever have the opportunity to listen to it, please do. I'm a little disappointed that we aren't doing more traditional hymns but that's not really a crisis.

Mostly my plans for the day are taking time to be with me. I need brain healing time. There are very few calls I will take - select friends and family ( and I mean select, if any of you are reading you are allowed to call!). I will take a hot bath maybe a nap ( yum!) and cook and just be at peace with myself. I need it so very much.

I don't need these too often but the pressures of my job get to me. My primary gig can be very stressful and we are nearing the end of a project that I am running and everyone is starting to scream loudly and it has become an unmanageable mess. My boss took care of one major issue today so that when I return after the holiday it should be fine. I have a few other measures that I need to put in place and then I think it will be smoother sailing.

That said - that's circumstantial and I can walk away from that mentally 99% of the time. Layer that with the emotional stuff that's happening and you get a time bomb. So I'm de-fusing the bomb so to speak.

I'm looking forward to spending the holiday with my new sister-in-law and her family. That's going to be a lot of fun. As previously mentioned, her parents are roughly my age. I am truly looking forward to it.

I am also now trying to find my holiday outfits. I can't find anything appealing at my regular haunts and maybe tomorrow I will head over to Dress Barn here in town and see if they have anything that looks good for the holidays. I am sooooo picky and I need a new dress for the party on the 15th. You would think I would be excited right? I HATE to shop. I mean I seriously HATE stores. I hate trying things on - no matter WHAT weight I am. I resent that I have to spend my time there. Truthfully 99% of my wardrobe was bought online or through catalogues.

I do 100% of my Christmas shopping on line. I just don't have the patience for a line or any other those other things that make malls and stores so much fun for others. I don't even food shop in a store. 80% of my food purchases come from an outfit called Peapod. I love them and I am a preferred customer. They will be bringing me my groceries tomorrow - yay me!

One small note about customer service as we gear up for high shopping season. I made a deposit at my bank on Sunday night at the ATM. It should have posted today. Not only didn't it post, no one saw any record of it. I called the branch after talking to the customer service center and the assistant manager was so unbelievably nice. She went ahead and authorized a portion of the check to be posted to my account for tomorrow. What I liked most about it is they hadn't even found the check yet. She didn't want me to be without funds for the holiday while the bank was closed. I was truly touched by such a nice woman. She is supposed to let me know when they find the deposit but they believe that it is there and they just errored in processing. They were properly concerned for me, for locating my money, for making retribution to me, but not so much so as to create alarm in me. the personal touch is NOT dead OR in India as many believe. It's alive and well in the US.

So that's my plans for tomorrow - it's ALL about me.

( see I'm getting better .... I CAN tune out the world! ) Bon Soir!

A plan for Christmas

Given the stress of Thanksgiving and the situation in my family, I decided to make a plan for the Christmas holidays so as not to go through those feelings of "unwanted-ness".

I used my weight watcher list making technique. I made a list of "want to do's", "Need to do's" and "have to do's". It looks like this:

Want To Do:

1. Attend Midnight Mass Xmas eve
2. Visit with friends & family on Xmas day
3. Bake on Xmas eve
4. Have a relaxed meal both days
5. See Eeman play on Xmas eve
6. Have a nice dinner between Xmas eve services with the brilliant musicians mom. ( Her invite)
7. Sing all three services at church

Need to Do:

1. Exercise both days
2. Eat smartly early on both days
3. Shopping on Xmas eve
4. See a family member ( the one I am having difficulties with) on Xmas eve early or early on Xmas day

Have to Do:

1. See a family member ( the same one) on either day

Now you may wonder why "see a family member" is on the need to do and have to do list. Allow me to explain. this list is awesome tool. It shows in a very specific relief what the sense of urgency is on Need to do and Have to do.

So it's on both as it will depend what this person wants at that time. I have two slots that I have intentionally not filled so that I can arrange for one of them to go to this person. But I am not rearranging for them. I have a very specific time table all ready lined up for both days. I have some time before 4 on Christmas eve and I have time before 2 on Christmas day. That, of course, is assuming that my brother and this family member don't patch things up.

This is my absolute favorite season of the year. From Thanksgiving through New Years ( which I continue to find a bit of let down. ) I love to decorate my house, bake my favorite items, attend my holiday parties, See my friends for cocktails. I love the sights, the smells, the sound of voices raised to heaven... It's all important to me. And I'll be damned if someone else's issues will ruin it for me.

So I made my plans already. And though this is an unselfish time of year, I'm being a little bit selfish. I have to be though for two reasons: It's better for me from an emotionally stable point of view AND I am trying to make some traditions for myself. I always see Jenna on Christmas day night for cocktails. It's become a tradition for the past 3 years and it's really become a part of the holidays that I look forward to. I rush there from wherever I am so I can see my girls ad my boys before they fall asleep. This year the twins are REALLY talking and I CANNOT wait to see them and hear what they will say!

I already have 2 parties scheduled so I am being selective about everything else this year.

One is a secret Santa that I do with "the girls". Excuse me. The Goddesses. Jenna found the coolest website. http://www.elfster.com will set up your secret Santa for you and email the details to each participant. It was so cool, I set it up for my family secret Santa this year. It's working out really well. I love this website. I urge you to check it out and try it.

So I am now feeling settled for the Holidays and I am off and pricing out prelit trees for my house. I can't wait!

In the wee small hours of the morning

I should clarify some things from this morning's post.

When I wrote:

"I chose a good one and he did the very thing that sets him apart from most of the men that I know. He didn't JUST open it, he also removed the foil from the neck of the bottle BEFORE pouring. Wow, I could fall in love just that easily watching him do that. I do not believe that I taught him that, though that possibility does in fact exist. Still none-the-less, it really spoke to me. "

I should quantify that this little tiny detail that he did with the wine is a small thing that he knew was important to me because it spoils the taste of the wine to be poured through a foil wrapped bottle neck. What set him apart was that he knew that and did it because it was important to ME and he really doesn't like wine terribly much. He drinks it when it's all that is left. So the small act was all the more important to me.

So I was late to church as I finally fell asleep at 6:30. I knew that was going to happen, I was late to my rehearsal, but only by 15 minutes. I love Peg but her voice isn't what it used to be. And she has my solo from last year ( Cincia is trying to keep things fair) but no one can hear her. We are having a LOT of music for Christmas eve and Advent but it should be fun. I am now singing at the 5PM service as well as the 10 AM and 10 PM. Busy day.

I am vocally tired today from yesterday's lesson. He worked me hard but that's ok. My recital is less than 3 months away. Eleven weeks to be exact. I'm freaking out now as I don't feel ready. I know it sounds crazy. But that's me - I like to be prepared early. I'm sure last night's drinking didn't help me at all either.

Funny thing is I lost 2 lbs between last night and today. That made me laugh. I have no intention of drinking like that perhaps ever. I just like the loss of control. It isn't me. I was not so drunk that I had any bad after affects: no hangover no stomach issues. I'm just a bit tired from irregular sleep. Some chest congestion but that's leftover from allergies/cold thing.

The Weight loss thing is going well now - two weeks of consecutive losses makes a big difference to me. I am shooting for a loss on Thanksgiving too. It's completely doable provide I save my bonus points for that day and keep in mind that it's a holiDAY not a HoliWEEK.

K and I are going to sing a duet at church on New Years Eve. We are excited about it. I like my new friend a lot. We talked today all through an exercise that we were supposed to be doing at church this morning - I'm surprised we didn't get detention! Or be made to stay after !!! Too funny. She's doing a recorded concert at church with her school's chamber choir and my baby girl Lin is singing a solo. Of course she almost blew it and I was going to do it because Lin double booked and planned to go with the thing she "wanted" to do rather than the thing she "committed" to first. But it all worked out which is better as my concert is the night before and I have one of the solo's in the Poulenc Gloria and there is a good chance I will be exhausted. But I will go and watch anyway. I will pinch hit if she needs me.

So I am still waiting for the pastor to email me back about his foster son... the brilliant, well-read, musician. The man just peaks my interest to no end. Half the books I have read of late are at his suggestion. And they were all good. He's totally against type for me. TOTALLY. Where I go for blonde's or light brown hair with blue, green or hazel eyes, he has black hair and dark brown eyes. He's just different. But when we talk - it's with single minded purpose, everyone else goes away and it's for hours. So I am patient with this one.

I just returned home from my rehearsal which was really great. I sang my solo with the group for the first time and it was a huge improvement over the crappy audition I did when I wasn't feeling well last week.

I treated myself with QP with cheese and fries from MCd's. 26 points for those who care.

I have em' I used em.

It was good.

A date for Thanksgiving

my sister-in-law called while I was entertaining a gentleman caller today....

I was entertaining EEman - he is now finally seeing me for the fabulous person I am.

He arrived with Killian's in tow...

I hadn't eaten all day literally so before I knew it, the beer was gone and he was looking to open a bottle of wine. I chose a good one and he did the very thing that sets him apart from most of the men that I know. He didn't JUST open it, he also removed the foil from the neck of the bottle BEFORE pouring. Wow, I could fall in love just that easily watching him do that. I do not believe that I taught him that, though that possibility does in fact exist. Still none-the-less, it really spoke to me.

Too bad we're just friends now. Actually, I'm kind of liking the fact the he's now treating me much better than he used to. This is a good thing and I'm happy about that. What makes this different for me is that I don't think I want him anymore in a romantic fashion, it just can't work for us. But I digress.

As you know wine is a big HUGE part of my life and my families. We grew up on it, my mom is quite knowledgeble about it and French wine in particular is important to us.

So if you want to call me a snob when it comes to that - go right ahead. Because it's true.

So E and I talked for hours literally. We played music and sang, we dished, discussed and endless array of subjects from politics, mutual friends, music, music, music, his 50th birthday party that I have been working on so hard. Oh and his potential break up with his girl friend.

hence the wine.

So when the phone rang ( twice while he was here....) and it was my new sister-in-law to invite me to her mom's on Thanksgiving - Eeman was cheering in the background between quoting verses of the song that bears her name ( and she's named after that song too according to her mom who is younger than eeman and close to my age. The song is by Looking glass and some key words in it are "wears a braided chain made of finest silver from the North of spain, a locket that bears the name of the man that ____________ loves...." ) because even though he has to work that night, he couldn't even do the day for dinner with me because he has to tend to his brother. And he felt badly about it. I thought it was incredibly sweet of her and I do think my mom had a hand in that because I don't think I mentioned my brother or his wife that I was going to be alone ( and they don't read this).

So now I have someplace to go that I will enjoy and be thankful for.

So back to Eeman. We had a LOT of fun tonight. I can't remember us having such a good time. I was feeling badly that he was not getting the best treatment from his girlfriend. Some women can juggle multiple men at the same time really well and some just can't. His girlfriend, it would appear, falls into the latter. She knows what she's doing is problematic and he really wants this to go somewhere. I just hope for him that they can work it out. I'm not real sympathetic to her cause to be honest. If you know you are doing something to hurt someone else and not making any move to rectify it, thats not good and doesn't really lend itself to a lasting relationship. I don't think that she wants to give the other guy up to be honest. I don't have high hopes here and I hate that this is happening to him. He has not had the best luck with women.

However to give snaps where they are due - he does recognize how fabulous I am and managed to nicely slip that into the conversation several times and I like hearing that from anyone but especially from my male friends. It speaks volumes about the male member of our species when they recognize things like that.

Meanwhile throughout all of this we have now finished off a six pack of beer and two bottles of wine. YIKES thats 17 points for me on Weight Watchers and I don't get that many in a day to start with!

uh oh - I'm was tipsy. OK I was full out drunk by the time he was ready to go deal with his girlfriend. I'm a scary light weight when it comes to alcohol consumption. And most times I can take or leave it altogether as I don't like to lose that much control of myself. But I was feeling safe and secure in my own home and with him so I was able to relax and enjoy myself. My problem is that I never sleep well when I have been drinking. I know tons of people who sleep wonderfully, I'm not one of them. So it was no surprise to me that 11:15 I was sleeping on the couch, I got up at 12:30 and went to bed and was awake by 4 and need to be up for my church gig at 8. I can't remember the last time this happened. Kind of funny but tomorrow I will need a nap at the least

So here I am writing my post with the hopes that I can fall back asleep without pharmaceutical means.

I'm starting yawn and notice that je fatigue so I am headed off to bed.

Fait de beaux reves!

Next Steps

All this introspection is exhausting.

Worth it, but really exhausting.

No matter how much I tell you guys that it doesn't matter that I will be alone on Thanksgiving for the first time EVER - it does matter.

Evidently more than I thought too, I called up one of my good friends who normally hosts, and she's not hosting this year due to a death in the family over the summer. This was my "safe school". Oops. I actually invited myself ( she would have too if the roles were reversed) because we have that kind of relationship. She felt bad and totally understood where I was coming from on certain points like the family member who's hosting the day and didn't invite me. She knows this person and agree's that they are being vindictive to the wrong people. She also said that even if I get an invite from her, stay home - otherwise the doormat that I once was will continue.

That person is a lonely person and I am not lonely - I normally don't have any issues being by myself. I don't wallow or ruminate. I just "am". A major holiday though - that's a different story.

This is a weird year. people who normally cook aren't, those who don't, are and people who never go away are away. It's just weird. It's like the world went on and left me here and I never knew there was that kind of change in the air.

So I haven't officially decided whether I am going up to Westport CT or if I am staying home by myself or somewhere in between yet. I probably won't decide until next week officially.

It still confounded me that this little thing - and let's be realistic - it's a "little" thing, really bothers me. So I am trying to work through it - like an adult. It's not easy because all these emotions get in the way. But that's all right - better to get them OUT of the way so they don't stay bottled up.

I'll get through this one. And my lesson is, that person in my family really doesn't want to have family. I keep trying to take care of them as my dad would have wanted, but they don't want it. So I have to make peace with the fact that they don't choose to be part of the family due to the issues that happened between them and another member. It just sucks that they are trying to make me have to pay for it. I have to make peace with the fact that I will never see my family memories and heirlooms again too. That's just stuff, but it's a part of my personal history. I'm glad I have the few I have already. I am going to have to be selective - something I hate - about the nature of our relationship moving forward. They want to have one, but I am beng relegated to "acquaintance" now, which I have a problem with.

Damnit. I did NOTHING wrong here. And I am being "taught" a lesson for it. They know that they are wrong for this too, otherwise more people would know about it. They have a habit of telling the free world when I have done something to upset them. And EVERYTHING I do is wrong. I don't lose weight the way they want, I don't dress the way they want, I don't eat the way the want, wear my hair the way they want, sing the way they want ( or not at all is their preference), worship the way the want, I know too much, I don't know enough.

You know what this is? The map of an insecure mind. This person is old enough to my parent, and they are so insecure that they need to be-little and berate others to be on top.

I have always known this and felt sorry for them. NOw I realize they have been doing it to me too... all along. If you can't beat them join them??? hell no. I have my own insecurities and they have been fed by this person for 25 years. Well. Those days are over too. Just a few days ago, they called me up to tell me that they had a medical test that I had inquired about a couple of weeks ago. It turned out negative which is wonderful. Then they told me the only reason they had it was to prove they were of sound mind when they updated their will.

That was uncalled for. I don't give a crap what they do with their "things". At the end of the day, those "things" are just things. I called them the next morning to tell them that the statement that was made and the spirit in which it was made, was not fair. At the end of the day, given the options, as much of a pain in the ass as they are, I would rather have them here. healthy. And That I resented the implication that I was a mercenary waiting around for death. We aren't like that and we weren't raised that way. They were properly conciliatory but not as much as I would have hoped. I don't think they believed me.

I thought this was a good first step to making the necessary changes to make me better and happier.


Yayyyyyyyy me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forgive and Forget

I just read someones blog that I don't normally read. http://cheaters-and-cheated.blogspot.com/ is definitely a sad story. I found something interesting though that made me think.

In reviewing the comments posted several people mentioned the concept of forgiving and forgetting. The general consensus is that if you can't forgive AND forget you may as well bag the whole thing.

But is it?

I have always been the person who forgives and forgets. Once I make the decision to let it go, it's gone. This is the main reason I have the ability to remain friends with almost ALL of my ex's including one specific relationship that I am not too proud of.

So it brings to the forefront the question - "can one forgive but not forget"? I have two members of my family that can't. Ironically they aren't speaking to each other at the moment either. And no it's not a coincidence.

My personal answer here is, I can, but what to do about those that can't??? Do I a)continue on trying to repair the relationship or do I b)just bag it or do I c) continue on and not worry about what they do.

I have chosen option "C". Once I am done and let it go, I continue on with the relationship and work at it. Eventually I may bag it due to lack of reciprocity but I will give it my all until I have had enough. I have a long fuse. This is what works best for me and truth be told I would feel like a failure if I just walked away without an effort. So this is what I am working at continuing. I like this trait in me, and no one gets to tell me it's bad or wrong.

It makes me curious though. Since my true closest friends are the forgive and forget types ( regardless of the infraction by the way), I don't really deal with the other except for those family members that are like that. And trust me - that's accommodated BECAUSE it's family. So my curiosity on this is simply, how do you hold onto all that baggage and still function? I mean, seriously? It seems like it would be A LOT to have to mentally file through when deciding if you are going to open up to a new person. It also seems to be a lot of work to have a friend who may have made a mistake that hurt you or made you angry and have to keep filtering how you deal with them. It almost seems dishonest in a way. You know what you CAN talk about and you know what you CAN'T talk about. I don't think with true friends you should have to filter subject matter.

I find it infinitely more peaceful to forget the bad in the past and work towards a future of good. But there's something to be said for forgiveness but not forgetting what was done - IF YOU CAN LEARN FROM IT. But if all you are doing it holding onto the past hurt or infraction for self protection, not only didn't you learn from it, but it tends to make you bitter and angry when you come across that again. You also run the risk of never being able to completely open up to another person.

Which brings me again to my dear Maple Mama. In one her comments to my post this week, she became my memory. She remembered how I can open up willingly and give of myself to another person because she has seen me do it. This is part of it. I thank goodness she remembers these things, because it reminded me that I CAN do this and I CAN open up to others. I just have to go with my instincts and be the person that I am supposed to be, not the person that others want me to be. In other words, when I open up and get hurt, I have to forgive, forget and move on. Mourn the loss and put it away on the shelf. Dust it off when I am ready to examine it clinically for a learning purpose. I used to do it, Maplemama has seen it so clearly there's proof there. As weird as it sounds, I usually wake up one day and the world is right again and happy and I have moved on.

One of the forgive-but-not-forget family members would love nothing more than for me to be like them. This person spends a lot of time being negative and expecting the worst in everyone. I don't view people like that. I never did. But I have spent a lot of time with this person and I started to realize that I was viewing people very critically and expecting to be disappointed. And I didn't like it much. So I let that go and went back to being me. It helped that during that time my childhood best friend and I were talking quite a good deal, which is really cool by the way, and as she has a tendency to be cautious and I am the optimistic one, it really helped me gain my perspective back. She always said that I see the good in people. She's right I do. I just have to keep being me.

What a concept.

By the way, here's a picture of Lena ( my child hood best friend), our first boyfriend, Kyle and I at my 4th birthday party. Look, I even have a tiara - I was a contessa even then. Just ask my mother.

Playing safe in the neighorhood

I'm piggy backing on Maple Mama a little bit here but the information I have now is really important.

And mind boggling.

I tend to have a very positive view of the world and human nature. So it is incomprehensible that there are human beings out there who want to harm children physically, emotionally or any other way.

I have Friends and Family who have been through this before, so it's very real, but I can't get wrap my mind around the kind of person who would do these things. I have a tendency to try and get into the mind of the person to react in the most fair way possible. I literally try to stand in their shoes to understand where they are coming from before acting. Having said that I cannot do it with these types of people. I don't get it.

The damage that ensues from both the physical and emotional trauma is sometimes so intense that it takes a long time to get past. So education and prevention is very important.

I agree with Maple mama that you have to run a fine line with teaching kids about this. They need to know to be cautious but you don't want them petrified to leave the house. I don't have children myself, but I have been trained to identify abuse in many forms. No matter whether the kids are related to me, or students, or friends' kids, I am always looking out for them and their well being.

I check myspace regularly for my students ( under the age limit or suggestion as I call it since there is no way to enforce it!) and my friends' kids. I also check those that are of age to make sure that not too much personal information is being given out. I warn them that I scan so they know that I do and why.

My new sister-in-law sent me a wonderful website called http://www.familywatchdog.us. I checked it out myself and was astonished to note how many sex offenders of varying degrees live in my town - none too close to me, but in town none-the-less. There is in fact a building that I swear has a policy that states if you DON'T have a sex offense charge you can't live there as so many occupants do. Thankfully that's not in my town.

What is neat about this website, is you put in your address, and a map pops up, your house is marked by a house and the schools are posted and the whereabouts of the sex offenders are noted around the maps. You click on any one of the sex offender dots and that person's address, picture and the specific crimes that they were convicted of come up. There are different color codes for child molestation, rape, sexual battery and "other". Each color has a corresponding color for the work location of these people as well.

It was very much a wake up call to me as my stomach kept turning over as I saw more and live ( and might I say skeevy) people, mostly men, but surprisingly some women, come up on my screen. Seeing them face to face like that just made me ill.

The website also has tips about teaching kids and helping them identify what is OK and what is not. I thought it was a well done website that as long as it is updated regularly will be an invaluable tool to parents.

I have sent it off to most of my family at this time and have plans to forward to all my friends.

Please check it out and forward it as this could make a difference!

For your reference here it is one last time: http://www.familywatchdog.us

Self Protection and Introspection

I discovered last night, that the loneliness that I am feeling now, is specifically holiday related.

I am not even sure that I am willing to go so far as to call it loneliness. It's more like being hurt that no one wants me around for the Holiday. (Other than Maple Mama and one other friend in New England of course).

Now the logical and realistic part of me says that I am being ridiculous, I would absolutely be with my family if they were here! My mom is away, my brother with his in-laws, my step mom is having company but hasn't invited me, my friends are away or working. So my issues are a smidgeon irrational.

But it brought up a new problem. If I were married, this wouldn't be a problem. If I were even engaged, it wouldn't be a problem. Of course I would have different problems LOL....

So go ahead. what's the next logical question? Why am I not married?

It can't be that I "just haven't met the right chap". Though I can safely tell you that lately I haven't. One prospect but no high hopes at this time.

Nope, its fear. I am afraid of having my heart broken and I am afraid of getting divorced. Yes, I am jumping the gun dramatically here. I don't even have someone in my life to be worrying about this crap WITH! My friends have been married and divorced, some multiple times, and it hasn't killed any of them. It hasn't sent any of them over the edge of sanity and all of them have re-married or found someone else. So why am I so afraid?

My parents divorced at an early age. My dad took it very badly ( it was more a sense of failure I think than losing his wife) and spent the early years of my life drinking himself out of the pain . this is mainly why I drink less now and never when emotional pain is that bad. My mom, ultimately ended up marrying one of my dad's closest friends. A man she didn't even like when my folks were together. Watching what my dad went through I can't imagine the heartbreak. When people divorce there is usually one who wants it more than the other. My dad was the one who didn't want it. Too much upheaval of his way of life. But he knew they weren't happy.

What sticks out in my mind most, is how we would go to him on the weekends, in the town I currently live in, and we would go to a bar/restaurant for dinner for us and drinks for him on Friday, Saturday he would leave money on the dining room table so I could walk to the 7-11 next door and get cereal, milk, chef boyardee and car food and carton of cigarettes for him. He would sleep most of the day and then maybe an activity in the late afternoon and dinner.

It never bothered me that I was taking care of my dad and my brother at the age of 10. But I realized that in taking care of my dad and watching him mend his broken heart that that may have taken a toll on me that I didn't realize. So I self protected and didn't allow my heart to be available in a healthy way.

So again upon reflecting, I now know that I need to be braver and take more risks. Not just with the mundane things, like auditions and stuff, but with my heart. I'm not really good at it, but I'm willing to try. I tend to only let my heart go to people who can guarantee to break it, or be unavailable to it. A self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. So, my plan now is to change that. Completely. Change is coming to me easier now that I am more humble about the weight loss changes I needed to make. So we add this to the list of things that I am working on.

I had an entire conversation with myself as if I were the therapist and and the patient last night. That's when it occured to me what was wrong. It was rather funny - BUT ( and here's the whole WW thing in context) I used one of the Tools for living to have that conversation and get to the root of the problem! A big step for me! Such a cool postive change and I am proud of myself for doing it on something truly hard.

This is a big deal for me. Until Last night, I have never really thought out what I was doing that was wrong here. So this holiday season, I can safely tell you that taking those risks with my heart is going to be tough, but I am willing to try. That prospect I mentioned, I think I need to arrange a meeting.. ... He's cute and brilliant and a musician! can't pass up that opp!

A special Thanks to Post-Doc and Maple Mama for having the courage and honesty to post the difficult stuff. I am only just getting brave enough to write it here at all!

Interesting development - Word of the day - Blah

I started about 3 posts over the past few days. None got published but in reading them I realized that each one pointed to the same specific problem.

It's me.

I have this insecurity about myself that only manifests every now and again in some interesting ways.

The three posts very specifically display this.

The titles are Political Shenanigans in the Musical World, Loneliness is and Maybe I'm over-reacting.

The first one took place over the weekend and it was about the politics in selecting soloists and the audition process. ( Yes I got the one I wanted). The shenanigans were legit, but they bothered me anyway.

The second one was actually Maybe I'm over-reacting and was about two mutual friends of mine who I see once per week. It has become obvious that I have become the third wheel and it was bothering me. Now that has since resolved itself as well.

The last one, Loneliness is, is about the fact that I will be alone for Thanksgiving this year for the first time ever, not by choice, To be with my family I have to go away and I can't afford that as I have church on thanksgiving eve and thanksgiving day. So I am going to be alone. And I am not really sure how I feel about it yet. Since I'm not overjoyed, or wildly ecstatic - I won't jump straight to "wow I'm looking forward to this". I'm not sure that I am upset by it and I am not frantically calling every person I know to wangle an invite. But I wouldn't mind one. Weird. I could go up to the restaurant where Eeman plays since he will be there working that night, I could order in a Thanksgiving dinner, or make whatever I want. But I like to be around people as it is my favorite holiday ever. It's a week and change away so there's no pressure....

These three posts, which will never be published so don't look for them, really made me see that my insecurities are there regardless of how much I bury them.

1. I am a talented musician: I sing beautifully and work hard at it. I play the flute beautifully and the piano. I am a dynamite teacher. I had an off day at the audition and I know what I need to do to make sure that doesn't happen again.

2. As for my friends, One of them I have spoken to and the other I will speak to at some other point when I see her. Both of them are good friends and I really think that had some over-reaction happening.

3. The Thanksgiving things were just bad timing.

I keep working hard to not take these things personally ( they all happened within 48 hours of each other). I am usually very self assured but for some reason these three things struck an insecure chord in me.

I'm not unhappy or sad or depressed or anything like that. I'm just marking time for lack of a better expression. I'm not exhilarated or anything like that, but I'm just kind of 'here'.

Blah is a good description.

Obsessive need to Organize

When I was young, my obsessive need to organize only took hold when my mother made me clean my room.

yes - "made me".

I have only two methods, Do it right or don't do it at all.

So when time was lacking, don't do it at all became the preferred method.

I now have Maria coming twice a week. This relieves me of the "don't do it at all" guilt that I go through. It also enables me to live in my happy little home without the stress of major upkeep.

She's worth every penny.

But every so often ( usually the week she is coming), I get into this pick up the house routine that is more than just clean off the surfaces of the mail and what not ( that takes 15 minutes tops!). I end up organizing my bookshelves (now they look neat and orderly and I've discovered that I need more!) and went through the 9 zillion catalogues that I have received and pulled the pages out that are important to me and put them in a box. I filed my important papers and discovered that the file cabinet needs major revamping. I am seriously going to have to remove everything and redo it.

What makes this unusual from when I was a child, is that now, I can look at that file cabinet, knowing full well the disaster area it has become ( more music than files and its' not really using the best system. ) and walk away due to time constraints, but put it on the to-do list to not be overlooked on a weekend somewhere. I used to lock myself in my room for 4-8 hours and when I was done, every drawer was re-lined with shelf paper., every clothing item was refolded and sorted by color, the desk was re-organized to suit my latest projects, my closet tidied up to accommodate the seasonal clothing. I would organize my jewelry box, my bathroom, my sitting room. This is my "do it right" mode.

My room most of my life was a mess. Largely due to my ability to "drop" tasks that have little or no importance to the project at hand. That project back then, was life. I was as busy then as I am now. Maybe more so. So "don't do it at all" was more the mode than "do it right".

Hence my mother "MADE ME" clean my room.

It was a source of comedy in our house, my mom would send both my brother and I to clean up our rooms. He would be done in 15 minutes. I would be done in 4-8 hours. the difference was my room was a clean as clean could be - literally. My brother? Don't open the closet..... it's an avalanche waiting to happen.

So I have learned how to combat my natural urge to start a job and finish it "properly". well, not combat really, more like redefine what properly means for the time I have allotted to the job. Tonight's job I had allotted 2 hours for and at an hour and half I had papers and catalogues all over the floor. So after filing, and seeing the disarray there, it occurred to me that that is a second job not an inclusive part of the first and should be done at another time. I do have to go to be tonight as I am working in the morning!

Words of Wisdom for the day.....

"Don't spill juice on your laptop"

And yes, that's exactly what happened.

This morning, I had an early conference call, joined it and then the cat decided he wanted some love.

OK, I can multi task while I am listening.

I pick him up, put him on my lap, and his tail swoops out and knocks the glass of juice BEHIND me and it splashes on to the keyboard.

yes, from the table BEHIND me.

Not seconds later, the laptop fizzles and shuts down.

I don't panic or get mad, I call in my ticket. I told them that one of my kids knocked the juice. ( That's not a lie, my cats are my kids!). Then I get the hairdryer and put it on the cool setting and start drying out the interior of the laptop.

So I am awaiting for a callback from the tech, and meanwhile I am setting up backups for my work for the day possibly two. I had made three calls, when the tech called me back. He went in search of a motherboard for me, and would call me back.

I get in touch with my back up for Order Assignment detail. She's mad at me, and I had NO idea why. Then she told me that our boss decided ( without speaking to me at all) that she was going to pick up 100% of my work for the day.

Unacceptable. I have way to much work and there is no one person that can accommodate their own workload plus all of mine. So I have been making all these arrangements and in one fell swoop they are undone. So while she and I are working through the details of the tasks she needs to today( and happier about it because it is a one shot deal), I call our boss. I tell him what I've put in place and that solved the problem.

So now I have done everything I can do at this point, so being industrious, I decide to do my 30 minute 30 walking DVD. I reflect at this point, that as soon as I start, this guy is going to call me back. And three minutes in, that's precisely what happened.

So now it's noon. I need to meet him by 12:30. The Laptop is STILL not booting up and I tell a colleague as I am packing up to go into the office, the damn thing is going to boot up perfectly once it gets into the tech's hands.

And it does. I curse the thing silently. He takes it apart, cleans it up, puts it back together and send me on my way. Without a new motherboard. And since we really cleaned it up, the keyboard hasn't worked this good in years. the Space bar broke, so I gorilla glue'd back together and re-attached it and it's unbelievably sensitive.

I was back on line and working by 2PM. A minor miracle in this company. usually this is 1-2 day gig. So I am pretty impressed that we got things moving and I met the two major deadlines that I needed to today.

So my words of wisdom to impart: Don't spill juice near your computer.