I had an entirely different post prepared for today when my life changed somewhat dramatically.
At 8Am, my phone rang. It was my Ob/Gyn. I had been there last week for a routine appointment.
My pap came back positive.
Pre-cancerous cells. On my cervix.
Oh and we have an appointment for you at 2:15 PM, please come in so we can do a second test.
I go about my day, have my coffee, get on my conference calls, get verbally abused by the customer, then I go to the doctor.
Before I left I dropped an email about the situation to someone close to me. Someone who needed to know.
Then I got my self into my car, and went to the doctor.
Everything was normal, same routine, same everything. He told me I looked OK but visuals aren't conclusive and I shouldn't worry until the test comes back. That should be Thursday at the latest. If it is, I come back in for the biopsy. then its a quick laser procedure. If it's negative, he wants me to come in quarterly for the next 12 months just to be safe.
Then he sends the nurse in to take my blood pressure.
I suffer from white coat syndrome in the first place. Secondly when I am under stress, it shows in my blood pressure. So when it came back as 160/110 I was hardly surprised. Upset but surprised. The doctor comes out to the nurses station and says "That's kind of high kid"
"My life is a bit of a mess right now. If you recall the last time my life was this stressful, my dad was in surgery that was life or death and died the following week. That week, I was here, and it was 160/110" I whine
"All the same, I want you off the pills for 30 days. We need to get your bp down in the normal range or you could have a heart attack" He Says
"But this is not an accurate reading! I was JUST HERE and it was 120/80!" I start to cry. Now I am actually feeling chest pains - gee thanks for suggesting THAT!
He hands me the scripts and says "I'm trusting you. Don't take them for a month, get your b/p straightened out and fll the scripts."
" Oh and don't worry about the pap. I doubt this one is coming back positive again. Just go home and relax. Have your husband order dinner out. "
My husband??? Unless he thinks my cats can dial phones - that ain't happening.
So now, I have to decide. Do I tell my family? My friends? What? So I decide not to mention it to my parents or siblings until the second pap results are in. No need for them to worry right away. I tell a couple of friends that I am very close to. And I await the phone call back.
I took a nap at 6:30 quite unintentionally. The chest pains caused by stress and suggestion were really worrying me. And as predicted were gone upon waking.
I know meditation is working and so is the prayer and exercize. I FEEL better overall. This can't be happening to me. I'm working so hard ot get healthy. And I know this is common and it happens to people all the time, but this is MY body and MY life.
I know that I will be OK. But How much more do I need to deal with???
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
On Old Messages
I went out with my best friend last night to a Scrubz party. These are Spa treatments made with crystal sugar and essential oils.
The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.
I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.
I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.
She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.
We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.
Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.
Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.
I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.
The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.
I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.
The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.
I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.
I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.
She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.
We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.
Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.
Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.
I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.
The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.
I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.
On Old Messages
I went out with my best friend last night to a Scrubz party. These are Spa treatments made with crystal sugar and essential oils.
The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.
I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.
I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.
She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.
We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.
Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.
Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.
I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.
The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.
I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.
The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.
I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.
I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.
She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.
We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.
Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.
Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.
I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.
The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.
I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.
Friday, April 27, 2007
On Decision Making
As many of you know, I am struggling with a personal situation. I don't want to whine about it and I'm not anymore.
Earlier in the week, I got a call regarding it, a call that I consider to be simply "beige". But that's OK. I was and am OK with that.
I had a face to face on it last night. And all the questions I had have been answered for now to best of both parties abilities. I have to now decide how do I want to proceed.
Not being especially good at making good decisions for me especially when they are about me, I've come to another impasse.
One thing I've noticed and learned about myself is I am in big hurry to make the decision and move on. That doesn't work as well all the time. So I've decided to step back and observe some more and sleep on it a bit. I am finding that if I force the issues and force the decisions - even just for me - I don't end up with things the way I want them to be. I just box myself in.
So, in the spirit of growth, I took a step back after the face to face, which went really well and really not. But it was an honest exchange which is what I really was hoping to have. I am very short on sleep so I am not making any decisions now. I am putting the whole experience in my personal journal for later reference. Then I will just see how things go while I continue to take care of me.
I am partially using my technique for wisdom - the one where you put the problem on a shelf and dust it off on a specific time and notice the solution is sitting there too? I put the problem on the shelf and I guess my shelf has a number of problems sitting on it, because when I went back to look I had a solution to a different problem for work sitting there. Kind of funny I thought.
But I won't even think about this before next weekend. I just won't. I need to time to investigate what's important to me.
I will acknowledge that I did not walk yesterday nor do my pilates today which means I need to do both Saturday and Sunday to make up for the lost time. I am not letting anything slip because of this situation. And this too will pass.
I am getting better at this whole thing I think. I am just living in some level of confusion. But that too will pass. Sooner rather than later.
I'm really kind of proud of myself. I used to be the girl who didn't stick up for herself and caved to everyone elses demands, I didn't do that last night. I was very specific and very clear.
"It'll all work out alright"
Earlier in the week, I got a call regarding it, a call that I consider to be simply "beige". But that's OK. I was and am OK with that.
I had a face to face on it last night. And all the questions I had have been answered for now to best of both parties abilities. I have to now decide how do I want to proceed.
Not being especially good at making good decisions for me especially when they are about me, I've come to another impasse.
One thing I've noticed and learned about myself is I am in big hurry to make the decision and move on. That doesn't work as well all the time. So I've decided to step back and observe some more and sleep on it a bit. I am finding that if I force the issues and force the decisions - even just for me - I don't end up with things the way I want them to be. I just box myself in.
So, in the spirit of growth, I took a step back after the face to face, which went really well and really not. But it was an honest exchange which is what I really was hoping to have. I am very short on sleep so I am not making any decisions now. I am putting the whole experience in my personal journal for later reference. Then I will just see how things go while I continue to take care of me.
I am partially using my technique for wisdom - the one where you put the problem on a shelf and dust it off on a specific time and notice the solution is sitting there too? I put the problem on the shelf and I guess my shelf has a number of problems sitting on it, because when I went back to look I had a solution to a different problem for work sitting there. Kind of funny I thought.
But I won't even think about this before next weekend. I just won't. I need to time to investigate what's important to me.
I will acknowledge that I did not walk yesterday nor do my pilates today which means I need to do both Saturday and Sunday to make up for the lost time. I am not letting anything slip because of this situation. And this too will pass.
I am getting better at this whole thing I think. I am just living in some level of confusion. But that too will pass. Sooner rather than later.
I'm really kind of proud of myself. I used to be the girl who didn't stick up for herself and caved to everyone elses demands, I didn't do that last night. I was very specific and very clear.
"It'll all work out alright"
On WTF?????
I can't make up my mind.
I just do not get it.
But on the other hand I do.
I need to sleep.
Later.
I just do not get it.
But on the other hand I do.
I need to sleep.
Later.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
On doing pilates
I'm on my third day of pilates. It should be easier.
Ha
I will say this, my prone position is finally correct, my spine is angled right, my abs - or powerhouse - aligned properly and it's comfortable.
That is pretty much where it ends. There are 3 exercizes I cannot do it all. I don't recall a time in life, thin or not, when I could do those things. But I continue to persevere. I will get as close as possible.
I did the full hour today. I don't actually ache. At all.
Weight is still going down and I am eating really well. I am feeling good. I am sleeping well.
Everything is going well for me. Well, not EVERYTHING.
I noticed that leader is starting to work my last nerves again. I find that funny - that must mean other things that were taking the focus away from leaders craziness are going better.
I am still doing my meditations and I really am starting to get it. Then I am praying quite a bit.
Things are a lot smoother.... I like it this way though it does tend to give the blog some boring stories!
Ha
I will say this, my prone position is finally correct, my spine is angled right, my abs - or powerhouse - aligned properly and it's comfortable.
That is pretty much where it ends. There are 3 exercizes I cannot do it all. I don't recall a time in life, thin or not, when I could do those things. But I continue to persevere. I will get as close as possible.
I did the full hour today. I don't actually ache. At all.
Weight is still going down and I am eating really well. I am feeling good. I am sleeping well.
Everything is going well for me. Well, not EVERYTHING.
I noticed that leader is starting to work my last nerves again. I find that funny - that must mean other things that were taking the focus away from leaders craziness are going better.
I am still doing my meditations and I really am starting to get it. Then I am praying quite a bit.
Things are a lot smoother.... I like it this way though it does tend to give the blog some boring stories!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
On a lovely nature meditation
This afternoon I got blown off by a student.
They weren't just late - they were REALLY late.
I arrived early to their home at 6:10. I rang the bell and got no answer.
So I figured they were enroute, so I sat myself down on the front steps, turned on my IPOD and watched the sun set.
It wasn't a terribly unique or colorful sunset. There wasn't anything truly spectacular. There was a lovely breeze and it was about 70 degrees out.
As I sat there listening to Sunday Morning by Maroon five, my sunglasses on, my eyes closed... I realized I was smiling. I was at peace and all was right with the world. And finally my mind is at ease.
It was a lovely 30 minutes that I sat there. I just kind of let my mind go blank and thought of nothing but the actual moment I was in. It was wonderful and peaceful. And the first meditation where my mind wasn't wandering in a thousand and one directions.
I walked away from that house, having not taught the lesson, having no actual communications with the family and not in the least bit worried about it. I left them a message and will go back on Thursday.
That call that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks came in this afternoon. When the phone rang, I actually looked at twice, dumbfounded. I wasn't actually expecting it to come so quickly. Once I made my decision to not worry about it, it got easier. So when it came, I was able to be proactive rather than reactive. It went much better than I thought it would. The impasse is still there, but it's breaking down slowly.
If God exists, he exists in moments like these.
They weren't just late - they were REALLY late.
I arrived early to their home at 6:10. I rang the bell and got no answer.
So I figured they were enroute, so I sat myself down on the front steps, turned on my IPOD and watched the sun set.
It wasn't a terribly unique or colorful sunset. There wasn't anything truly spectacular. There was a lovely breeze and it was about 70 degrees out.
As I sat there listening to Sunday Morning by Maroon five, my sunglasses on, my eyes closed... I realized I was smiling. I was at peace and all was right with the world. And finally my mind is at ease.
It was a lovely 30 minutes that I sat there. I just kind of let my mind go blank and thought of nothing but the actual moment I was in. It was wonderful and peaceful. And the first meditation where my mind wasn't wandering in a thousand and one directions.
I walked away from that house, having not taught the lesson, having no actual communications with the family and not in the least bit worried about it. I left them a message and will go back on Thursday.
That call that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks came in this afternoon. When the phone rang, I actually looked at twice, dumbfounded. I wasn't actually expecting it to come so quickly. Once I made my decision to not worry about it, it got easier. So when it came, I was able to be proactive rather than reactive. It went much better than I thought it would. The impasse is still there, but it's breaking down slowly.
If God exists, he exists in moments like these.
Monday, April 23, 2007
On crushes
Remember your first crush? How about one more recent?
I do. He was wonderful. So cute and a wonderful person. He was a year ahead of me at prep.
I realized today in talking with a student who has her first crush, how much this boy taught me when I was in school. To be sure, she is 10 and I was 13, but whatever - times they are a changin'.
We'll call my crush Richard. He was taller than I am ( not a stretch even now), same color hair and wonderful blue eyes. He was slim but not string beany. I met him in band. I played the flute, he played a brass intrument ( his primary source of income today incidentally).
We got to talking one early morning before school started, because I had an early morning lesson and he just arrived there to watch. I wasn't terribly excited at the prospect. And I told him so. He laughed at me, and mentioned that I looked familiar.
Time marched on, and we both found ourselves at those early morning lessons, study halls and lunch periods, down in the band room, or the auditorium. Alone more often than not.
I learned how to slow dance with this boy. He would hum "the way you look tonight" and teach me to dance. Right there on the stage.
We played the silliest of games. We would walk from chair to chair in the auditorium on the arm rests, jumping over the aisles. We had good balance and sometimes not such good balance.
He loved to sit with me and run his fingers through my hair, which was at that time, down to my waist. That 80's big haired thing was completely lost on me. My hair wouldn't then nor now ever support it.
We would play duets. We would file music. We would play the perfect pitch game on the piano - he would play a note with my back turned and I would "guess" what it was. I always won. Only then I didn't know why. Now I do. We had memorized the entire movie "Arthur" with Dudley Moore and a Favorite past time on the phone was to throw out a line and see if the other person could name the next one.
After a long time of this loveliness, he decided to ask my best friend Sharon out. And she decided to accept.
I was devastated as only a teenager can truly be.
Then my best friend broke up with him.... days later at the most. He rode his bicycle ( a 12 speed we couldn't believe ANYONE our age would own something like that) to my house in the pouring rain, and cried in my arms that she had broken his heart.
I didn't say anything about my own heart and the pain I felt at what I perceived to be his deception. I was too young to know how. But not so young as to know that I won in the end.
So when my student tells me she has her first crush.... I think about the happy times before he dated Sharon. They flash to my mind immediately. I look at her face and she is glowing with happiness. Her eyes are brighter, her smile wider, she is buoyant. She has the attitude that only comes with a crush or falling in love that she can do anything.
She is very young. She is, as I said, 10. She asks me if she can sing "So in love" by Cole Porter.
I tell her that, honestly, it's not age appropriate. She can't sell it to the audience since she hasn't felt it. That's when she springs the crush on me. Evidently he is in her class and he treats her nicely.
She is beautiful. Blue eyes, blond hair.... But she carries some extra weight on her. I noticed today that she looked thinner and her clothing was different..... Ah ha - the crush! That explains EVERYTHING. Then she tells me she is a little bit tired because she woke up at 6AM today so she could exercize. I asked her what that meant - she told me she did 20 minutes on the eliptical and 20 minutes on 10 different exercizes with the ab roller and some pilates.
I commended her something awful. She is a smart young lady. so talented and so beautiful. I am really priveldged to teach her.
In talking with her, I realized that my crush on Richard was very important to me. It really gave me ground work on how I behave around men now. What I do today isn't dramatically different. Well.... I don't hop around on armrests anymore.... I'd probably break something!
The followup to this is that though he did date my best friend, he came back to me, and from there, we dated for a long time. My first crush became my first boyfriend. He treated me very well. We were good for each other.
Today he lives far away in another state. He has a family. We keep in touch periodically over the years. when he travels to NY for work, we try to get together for a drink. We're so far apart from those two middle school teens, but it's a nice piece of my history.
What I found most striking today, was how talking with my student brought it back to me in a specific relief. It suggested that there is some groundwork as to why I do some of the things that I do.
I left her smiling - we both were. She was thinking about her crush. And I was thinking about my first one. It was a lovely trip down memory lane for me and an educational one.
I do. He was wonderful. So cute and a wonderful person. He was a year ahead of me at prep.
I realized today in talking with a student who has her first crush, how much this boy taught me when I was in school. To be sure, she is 10 and I was 13, but whatever - times they are a changin'.
We'll call my crush Richard. He was taller than I am ( not a stretch even now), same color hair and wonderful blue eyes. He was slim but not string beany. I met him in band. I played the flute, he played a brass intrument ( his primary source of income today incidentally).
We got to talking one early morning before school started, because I had an early morning lesson and he just arrived there to watch. I wasn't terribly excited at the prospect. And I told him so. He laughed at me, and mentioned that I looked familiar.
Time marched on, and we both found ourselves at those early morning lessons, study halls and lunch periods, down in the band room, or the auditorium. Alone more often than not.
I learned how to slow dance with this boy. He would hum "the way you look tonight" and teach me to dance. Right there on the stage.
We played the silliest of games. We would walk from chair to chair in the auditorium on the arm rests, jumping over the aisles. We had good balance and sometimes not such good balance.
He loved to sit with me and run his fingers through my hair, which was at that time, down to my waist. That 80's big haired thing was completely lost on me. My hair wouldn't then nor now ever support it.
We would play duets. We would file music. We would play the perfect pitch game on the piano - he would play a note with my back turned and I would "guess" what it was. I always won. Only then I didn't know why. Now I do. We had memorized the entire movie "Arthur" with Dudley Moore and a Favorite past time on the phone was to throw out a line and see if the other person could name the next one.
After a long time of this loveliness, he decided to ask my best friend Sharon out. And she decided to accept.
I was devastated as only a teenager can truly be.
Then my best friend broke up with him.... days later at the most. He rode his bicycle ( a 12 speed we couldn't believe ANYONE our age would own something like that) to my house in the pouring rain, and cried in my arms that she had broken his heart.
I didn't say anything about my own heart and the pain I felt at what I perceived to be his deception. I was too young to know how. But not so young as to know that I won in the end.
So when my student tells me she has her first crush.... I think about the happy times before he dated Sharon. They flash to my mind immediately. I look at her face and she is glowing with happiness. Her eyes are brighter, her smile wider, she is buoyant. She has the attitude that only comes with a crush or falling in love that she can do anything.
She is very young. She is, as I said, 10. She asks me if she can sing "So in love" by Cole Porter.
I tell her that, honestly, it's not age appropriate. She can't sell it to the audience since she hasn't felt it. That's when she springs the crush on me. Evidently he is in her class and he treats her nicely.
She is beautiful. Blue eyes, blond hair.... But she carries some extra weight on her. I noticed today that she looked thinner and her clothing was different..... Ah ha - the crush! That explains EVERYTHING. Then she tells me she is a little bit tired because she woke up at 6AM today so she could exercize. I asked her what that meant - she told me she did 20 minutes on the eliptical and 20 minutes on 10 different exercizes with the ab roller and some pilates.
I commended her something awful. She is a smart young lady. so talented and so beautiful. I am really priveldged to teach her.
In talking with her, I realized that my crush on Richard was very important to me. It really gave me ground work on how I behave around men now. What I do today isn't dramatically different. Well.... I don't hop around on armrests anymore.... I'd probably break something!
The followup to this is that though he did date my best friend, he came back to me, and from there, we dated for a long time. My first crush became my first boyfriend. He treated me very well. We were good for each other.
Today he lives far away in another state. He has a family. We keep in touch periodically over the years. when he travels to NY for work, we try to get together for a drink. We're so far apart from those two middle school teens, but it's a nice piece of my history.
What I found most striking today, was how talking with my student brought it back to me in a specific relief. It suggested that there is some groundwork as to why I do some of the things that I do.
I left her smiling - we both were. She was thinking about her crush. And I was thinking about my first one. It was a lovely trip down memory lane for me and an educational one.
Just a quickie note
This is hardly a post but I have had an enormous amount of feedback regarding the publisher for my Dad's arrangement of "He's Gone Away"
It is Alfred Publishing. He's Gone Away arranged by Eric -------. For more information please comment this post with an email address and I will be happy to provide some additional information. It my be temporari;y out of print, but they will make an official copy for you for a fee if you choose to get the piece.
If I do say so myself, it's a wonderful arrangement for four part women and four part men and then in the middle its for SATB.
It is Alfred Publishing. He's Gone Away arranged by Eric -------. For more information please comment this post with an email address and I will be happy to provide some additional information. It my be temporari;y out of print, but they will make an official copy for you for a fee if you choose to get the piece.
If I do say so myself, it's a wonderful arrangement for four part women and four part men and then in the middle its for SATB.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
On tapping my inner Goddess
I forgot about that phrase.
I received a Myspace message from Jax today. She and I have corresponding that way for a week or two.
I told her all the things that I was doing for myself, and she only balked at the eyelash tinting and perming.
Hey - we can't all have perfect lashes on BOTH eyes.
So I filled her in on the rest of my "Contessa re-invention" as I like to call it. She told me that after a particularly daunting personal situation, she started tapping her own inner goddess. I had forgotten what a great phrase that was.
And it is indeed what I am doing.
I lost a 1.5 this past week - I am still floating from that victory. That's a total of 5 for 4 weeks that I have been eating differently.
I am filling ALL of my spare time with activity and work. Not Work-my-career-kind-of-work, but just things that need to be worked on for ME. Like my house, like my music, like my students, that kind of work. I have added 5 days of walking in the morning, I have now included 3 days of pilates in the afternoon.
Anything to keep my mind and body busy. It serves several purposes.
1. It keeps me from dwelling and ruminating on the personal issues in my life.
2. It keeps me fresh for the cat and mouse game I am a somewhat willing participant in
3. And It keeps the Contessa looking and feeling like a Contessa
And Let's face it - isn't that the real issue here?
Today, I took a nap. It was the BEST and most delicious nap I have had in awhile.
When I woke up, I put together a delicious glass of iced water with slice lemons and limes. And I set about looking on the internet for Green non=preseciption contact lenses.
And I found them
They aren't hideously expensive and I am finding my hazel eyes a bit boring. So I went to green.
I paid through Paypal and they will likely ship out tomorrow.
The new and Improved contessa is on her way....
Watch out world.
I received a Myspace message from Jax today. She and I have corresponding that way for a week or two.
I told her all the things that I was doing for myself, and she only balked at the eyelash tinting and perming.
Hey - we can't all have perfect lashes on BOTH eyes.
So I filled her in on the rest of my "Contessa re-invention" as I like to call it. She told me that after a particularly daunting personal situation, she started tapping her own inner goddess. I had forgotten what a great phrase that was.
And it is indeed what I am doing.
I lost a 1.5 this past week - I am still floating from that victory. That's a total of 5 for 4 weeks that I have been eating differently.
I am filling ALL of my spare time with activity and work. Not Work-my-career-kind-of-work, but just things that need to be worked on for ME. Like my house, like my music, like my students, that kind of work. I have added 5 days of walking in the morning, I have now included 3 days of pilates in the afternoon.
Anything to keep my mind and body busy. It serves several purposes.
1. It keeps me from dwelling and ruminating on the personal issues in my life.
2. It keeps me fresh for the cat and mouse game I am a somewhat willing participant in
3. And It keeps the Contessa looking and feeling like a Contessa
And Let's face it - isn't that the real issue here?
Today, I took a nap. It was the BEST and most delicious nap I have had in awhile.
When I woke up, I put together a delicious glass of iced water with slice lemons and limes. And I set about looking on the internet for Green non=preseciption contact lenses.
And I found them
They aren't hideously expensive and I am finding my hazel eyes a bit boring. So I went to green.
I paid through Paypal and they will likely ship out tomorrow.
The new and Improved contessa is on her way....
Watch out world.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
A melange of things
Today I had a busy and interesting day. And I like days like this because at least part of it is all about me, the other parts just include me and most of all it keeps my mind occupied.
And right now mind occupation is a good and important thing.
I had my voice lesson which was pretty good- I have so open ended questions about a performance I am supposed to do, but as I forgot to ask that's not my issue right now. I'll get it tomorrow.
So I went to Weight watchers and weighed in - 1.2 down. Very exciting - I was whistling on the way home and singing to upbeat Santana tunes ( the 70 degree weather was inspiring actually).
I got home and spent 40 minutes picking out outfits, changing. trying on new outfits. It was a tough call because I was going to a dinner party at my moms and didn't want to be too dressed up but not too casual and then there was the 20 degree swing in temperature that I needed to contend with.
I finally decide on a lovely sweater with three quarter length sleeves and horizontal stripes that alternate black, white and blue grey. Paired with black slim pants and 4 inch Black croc slides, I felt ready. Packed up my makeup and headed for my nail appointment.
Got my nails done, got waxed and had my eyelashes permed and tinted. The latter was a little bit torturous this week because my allergies were not happy, but it gave me the opportunity to practice some yoga deep breathing.
I headed to my mom's for her dinner party. Lot's of old friends and collegues. We had a lot of fun. I haven't seen these people in so long. It was lovely. We had a moment of remembrance for Rod. We ha a nice time catching up.
I left after 6 hours and drove home having eaten too much, but happy, having helped my mother in the kitchen - and she let me and didn't re-wash anything, and called an old friend I haven't talked to in 5-6 months. We caught up and agreed not to let the time get away and we're going to schedules some time to get together next week.
I have some major improvement plans for myself and I need to make some other adjustments to The plan:
1. Health:
I'm excerising more now - I have added pilates two - three times a week, walking is being ramped up to 5 days a week, core work every day.
I am eating healthier. I am shooting to get 3 dairy servings a day and 5 fruits and veggies servings.
I am keeping my portions small.
2 . Beauty:
All of the above AND
Eyelash extensions which elimate the need for perming, tinting and mascara. they are an expensive application but it's a one time gig. After that it's just maintenance.
I am getting green contacts. I have always wanted them so I am investing the money and doing it.
I have scheduled my hair to be done in May. Highlighting and cut.
I am planning on a massage and a facial for June and July.
I am making an appointment with the dentist to make some adjustments to my teeth.
I am making a followup appointment with the dermatologist to change up the allergy meds I am on. they are simply not addressing the allergies the way they need to. In the interim, he has me doubling up the dosage but cutting back from 3x a day to twice. I am already feeling better.
I am making my ob/gyn appt so I can get back on my birth control pills. My body works better on them. I went off out of necessity but that has passed and I need to go back on from a health perspective. The doctor suggested it and I agree - so I am going back soon.
I have a pedicure planned for May.
3. God
I am doing a lot of meditating. On myself and for others. I like that peaceful feeling when I am done so I am planning to make this a nightly plan.
I am planning on better attendance at church. I did not contact my priest yet on my situation but I do feel like I am in better control of it now. But as long as I continue my good relationship with God I think I will be OK for now. Not to be hokey but that's the way it is.
Going to meditate now...
And right now mind occupation is a good and important thing.
I had my voice lesson which was pretty good- I have so open ended questions about a performance I am supposed to do, but as I forgot to ask that's not my issue right now. I'll get it tomorrow.
So I went to Weight watchers and weighed in - 1.2 down. Very exciting - I was whistling on the way home and singing to upbeat Santana tunes ( the 70 degree weather was inspiring actually).
I got home and spent 40 minutes picking out outfits, changing. trying on new outfits. It was a tough call because I was going to a dinner party at my moms and didn't want to be too dressed up but not too casual and then there was the 20 degree swing in temperature that I needed to contend with.
I finally decide on a lovely sweater with three quarter length sleeves and horizontal stripes that alternate black, white and blue grey. Paired with black slim pants and 4 inch Black croc slides, I felt ready. Packed up my makeup and headed for my nail appointment.
Got my nails done, got waxed and had my eyelashes permed and tinted. The latter was a little bit torturous this week because my allergies were not happy, but it gave me the opportunity to practice some yoga deep breathing.
I headed to my mom's for her dinner party. Lot's of old friends and collegues. We had a lot of fun. I haven't seen these people in so long. It was lovely. We had a moment of remembrance for Rod. We ha a nice time catching up.
I left after 6 hours and drove home having eaten too much, but happy, having helped my mother in the kitchen - and she let me and didn't re-wash anything, and called an old friend I haven't talked to in 5-6 months. We caught up and agreed not to let the time get away and we're going to schedules some time to get together next week.
I have some major improvement plans for myself and I need to make some other adjustments to The plan:
1. Health:
I'm excerising more now - I have added pilates two - three times a week, walking is being ramped up to 5 days a week, core work every day.
I am eating healthier. I am shooting to get 3 dairy servings a day and 5 fruits and veggies servings.
I am keeping my portions small.
2 . Beauty:
All of the above AND
Eyelash extensions which elimate the need for perming, tinting and mascara. they are an expensive application but it's a one time gig. After that it's just maintenance.
I am getting green contacts. I have always wanted them so I am investing the money and doing it.
I have scheduled my hair to be done in May. Highlighting and cut.
I am planning on a massage and a facial for June and July.
I am making an appointment with the dentist to make some adjustments to my teeth.
I am making a followup appointment with the dermatologist to change up the allergy meds I am on. they are simply not addressing the allergies the way they need to. In the interim, he has me doubling up the dosage but cutting back from 3x a day to twice. I am already feeling better.
I am making my ob/gyn appt so I can get back on my birth control pills. My body works better on them. I went off out of necessity but that has passed and I need to go back on from a health perspective. The doctor suggested it and I agree - so I am going back soon.
I have a pedicure planned for May.
3. God
I am doing a lot of meditating. On myself and for others. I like that peaceful feeling when I am done so I am planning to make this a nightly plan.
I am planning on better attendance at church. I did not contact my priest yet on my situation but I do feel like I am in better control of it now. But as long as I continue my good relationship with God I think I will be OK for now. Not to be hokey but that's the way it is.
Going to meditate now...
Friday, April 20, 2007
A Myspace Stab to the heart and Prayer
I was poking around on Myspace yesterday - not a common occurance so much. I generally sign in and check to see if any of my posse has sent me a comment or a message then I am off to the race called life.
But last night, in the midst of some crisis in my town, involving a chopper, large searchlight and all circling the area 2 blocks south of me to 2 blocks east of me, I was just messing around in Myspace.
I happened upon some pictures of my friends brother. The one who has ALS. These are the before pictures in a very bad "before / after " game. He is a beautiful person but even more so now that I see how he's changed.
You see, now Alex has to be in a Wheelchair full time with neck support. He has lost most of his physical functionality. His mind, naturally, is sharp as ever. That's the nature of this disease. And it's tortorous to it's victims.
Alex is turning 46. He was diagnosed by process of elimination roughly 6-7 years ago.
I won an award last year for a fund raiser I did to help his family raise money for a Handicapped equipped Van for wheelchairs. I was never comfortable with winning the award to be honest. It struck me as weird. I should win award for helping someone who needed help? I was thrilled to have been chosen and I was grateful to my president who nominated me and for the committee who approved me. I have it hung on the wall in my home, with a ticket from the event and a Publicity photo taken of some of the powers that be and myself. None with Alex and I can't lay my hands on those. I would prefer to have that here.
I spent some time meditating on him after this. I want to do more to help him. The family is in disarray. I give them a lot of credit though. They work really hard. They are much closer than mine is so when this tragedy struck, they just spent their time finding ways to make it work. They challenged the disease head on. Not just for Alex, but for anyone who suffers from this deadly disease. And we all pray daily for a cure.
Reality is I am doing what I can at this point. I donate money through that family to ALS, I hosted a fundraiser to help them out, I help provide stress relief for his siblings through friendship. But that feeling of helplessness and knowing that his life is cut short at this young age, not because of death, but due to incapacity, hurts me. Like his brother, he's a fantastic musician. His reputation precedes him. He is well loved.
It was both lovely and painful to see just how much he is loved on Myspace. I have added Alex to our prayers for the sick at church. I believe in prayer in numbers.
Of late, I have been praying a lot on my specific situations. In , it is my first topic in my conversations with God. After that, I touch on blessings for family and friends, then specific situations for friends/family who are having a tough time. LAst night, I did a full meditation on Alex, later on, one on me, then I did my regular prayer time on everything/everyone else.
It seems like a lot, but I will only tell you this, my prayers may not give me the answer I want, but they give me an answer.
But last night, in the midst of some crisis in my town, involving a chopper, large searchlight and all circling the area 2 blocks south of me to 2 blocks east of me, I was just messing around in Myspace.
I happened upon some pictures of my friends brother. The one who has ALS. These are the before pictures in a very bad "before / after " game. He is a beautiful person but even more so now that I see how he's changed.
You see, now Alex has to be in a Wheelchair full time with neck support. He has lost most of his physical functionality. His mind, naturally, is sharp as ever. That's the nature of this disease. And it's tortorous to it's victims.
Alex is turning 46. He was diagnosed by process of elimination roughly 6-7 years ago.
I won an award last year for a fund raiser I did to help his family raise money for a Handicapped equipped Van for wheelchairs. I was never comfortable with winning the award to be honest. It struck me as weird. I should win award for helping someone who needed help? I was thrilled to have been chosen and I was grateful to my president who nominated me and for the committee who approved me. I have it hung on the wall in my home, with a ticket from the event and a Publicity photo taken of some of the powers that be and myself. None with Alex and I can't lay my hands on those. I would prefer to have that here.
I spent some time meditating on him after this. I want to do more to help him. The family is in disarray. I give them a lot of credit though. They work really hard. They are much closer than mine is so when this tragedy struck, they just spent their time finding ways to make it work. They challenged the disease head on. Not just for Alex, but for anyone who suffers from this deadly disease. And we all pray daily for a cure.
Reality is I am doing what I can at this point. I donate money through that family to ALS, I hosted a fundraiser to help them out, I help provide stress relief for his siblings through friendship. But that feeling of helplessness and knowing that his life is cut short at this young age, not because of death, but due to incapacity, hurts me. Like his brother, he's a fantastic musician. His reputation precedes him. He is well loved.
It was both lovely and painful to see just how much he is loved on Myspace. I have added Alex to our prayers for the sick at church. I believe in prayer in numbers.
Of late, I have been praying a lot on my specific situations. In , it is my first topic in my conversations with God. After that, I touch on blessings for family and friends, then specific situations for friends/family who are having a tough time. LAst night, I did a full meditation on Alex, later on, one on me, then I did my regular prayer time on everything/everyone else.
It seems like a lot, but I will only tell you this, my prayers may not give me the answer I want, but they give me an answer.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
On Vanity
I was speaking to my mom briefly today. I mentioned that I may be late to her dinner party on Saturday because I need to get my eyelashes tinted and curled. She laughed at me.
So I reminded her that not having eyelashes on one eye is really troublesome. She had been through this in her youth as well and said that if these processes were available back then she would be doing them too. But they weren't so she had to wait for her eyelashes to grow back. Did you know that takes a really long time?
I cracked up when I realized where I got my vanity from. My mom. She is always put together, she loves clothes and shoes and her hair is always done and her makeup is always on.
Vanity - A little bit is a good thing.
So I reminded her that not having eyelashes on one eye is really troublesome. She had been through this in her youth as well and said that if these processes were available back then she would be doing them too. But they weren't so she had to wait for her eyelashes to grow back. Did you know that takes a really long time?
I cracked up when I realized where I got my vanity from. My mom. She is always put together, she loves clothes and shoes and her hair is always done and her makeup is always on.
Vanity - A little bit is a good thing.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Never underestimate the power of a new bra
About two weeks ago, I surveyed my bra drawer. Yes, I have an entire drawer dedicated to the support and decoration of breasts. Every color, design, function, format, type - it's all there. From VS to La Perla to Hanes to Reebok. Navy blue, Aqua, Strawberry, Green, Patterns, Satins, Silks, Cotton, Lycra....
It's a sickness in all likelihood. Especially when you hhave matching panties... seriously. Someone commit me.
My younger brother used to have a saying.... He's a collector of jackets and fine lingerie.
Well .... so am I. And I get to wear it.
So, in reviewing my bra drawer, it's occured to me that the whites could be whiter and the neutrals .... well the ain't so neutral. Time to ramp up.
I saw a commercial for the new Hanes bra. I'm not really a fan.... I like finer quality against my skin. But I was intrigued. And they were ten dollars on a sale. Unable to resist, I bought 6. 2 white, 2 neutral, 1 black and 1 lilac.
They arrived this morning but USPS. And the crazy postman who buzzes loudly fourteen times, sadly, no longer works this route. Instead there is a lovely woman who nicely brought them to my door.
I was going to a dinner meeting after teaching a lesson tonight. YAY I can wear my new brassiere!! What to wear over it now. I ended up wearing a pair of dress black pants, a cotton hip length ribbed turtleneck and my black 4 inch croc slides.
I looked pretty damn good if I do say so.
I was so damn confident walking into the meeting. As I was leaving, 2 of the guys wanted to know if I had had my hair done, another one asked if I had lost weight.
I noticed upon leaving that the wiggle in my step and sashay of my hips and perky gait of my walk were all back.
Ladies and gentlemen, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER underestimate the power of a new Brassiere!
It's a sickness in all likelihood. Especially when you hhave matching panties... seriously. Someone commit me.
My younger brother used to have a saying.... He's a collector of jackets and fine lingerie.
Well .... so am I. And I get to wear it.
So, in reviewing my bra drawer, it's occured to me that the whites could be whiter and the neutrals .... well the ain't so neutral. Time to ramp up.
I saw a commercial for the new Hanes bra. I'm not really a fan.... I like finer quality against my skin. But I was intrigued. And they were ten dollars on a sale. Unable to resist, I bought 6. 2 white, 2 neutral, 1 black and 1 lilac.
They arrived this morning but USPS. And the crazy postman who buzzes loudly fourteen times, sadly, no longer works this route. Instead there is a lovely woman who nicely brought them to my door.
I was going to a dinner meeting after teaching a lesson tonight. YAY I can wear my new brassiere!! What to wear over it now. I ended up wearing a pair of dress black pants, a cotton hip length ribbed turtleneck and my black 4 inch croc slides.
I looked pretty damn good if I do say so.
I was so damn confident walking into the meeting. As I was leaving, 2 of the guys wanted to know if I had had my hair done, another one asked if I had lost weight.
I noticed upon leaving that the wiggle in my step and sashay of my hips and perky gait of my walk were all back.
Ladies and gentlemen, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER underestimate the power of a new Brassiere!
On Exercise
Good Day.
I did a 45 minute pilates session today. I was pleasantly surprised. I am much more flexible than I gave myself credit for AND while there were a few exercizes that I was not able to complete fully, I got through a really good portion of it. There wasn't anything I couldn't do most of.
I did some yoga last night - a special program to relax you to go to sleep.
Bad news.
I was not able to sleep.
So I have decided not to do that too late at night.
so I have decided that for the rest of April, I will walk 2 miles, 5 days per week, pilates 2 days a week and yoga two days a week.
The Modified "Plan" on activity is ultimately to do the walking every day, 7 days max, 5 days min. 2 days on pilates, 2 on yoga and 2-3 on weight training.
This plan will not be taking effect though until late May or June. I need to get into the routine first and make it a habit which should be the rest of April.
Once I have done that, I will add each layer. First the pilates and yoga. Then the firm Body sculpting.
The eating right has been 3 weeks and I am seeing the difference. I am feeling the difference.
This is a good change for me.
I did a 45 minute pilates session today. I was pleasantly surprised. I am much more flexible than I gave myself credit for AND while there were a few exercizes that I was not able to complete fully, I got through a really good portion of it. There wasn't anything I couldn't do most of.
I did some yoga last night - a special program to relax you to go to sleep.
Bad news.
I was not able to sleep.
So I have decided not to do that too late at night.
so I have decided that for the rest of April, I will walk 2 miles, 5 days per week, pilates 2 days a week and yoga two days a week.
The Modified "Plan" on activity is ultimately to do the walking every day, 7 days max, 5 days min. 2 days on pilates, 2 on yoga and 2-3 on weight training.
This plan will not be taking effect though until late May or June. I need to get into the routine first and make it a habit which should be the rest of April.
Once I have done that, I will add each layer. First the pilates and yoga. Then the firm Body sculpting.
The eating right has been 3 weeks and I am seeing the difference. I am feeling the difference.
This is a good change for me.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
a short thought
I just noticed in conversations with my team today, that I haven't noticed how bad things have been at work since last Wed/Thurs.
Normally, it's an hourly deluge of crap from them..... but not as much as you'd think.
What I noticed most about it is, I had something else consuming me from my personal life which made the job hell seem a lot more trivial than it is. FL girl just called and she's addressing the crap directly now. As a peer...
Interesting how the one thing that consumed me for 18 months was suddenly paled by something else... and it escaped my notice....
Later - I'll be back with a real post
Normally, it's an hourly deluge of crap from them..... but not as much as you'd think.
What I noticed most about it is, I had something else consuming me from my personal life which made the job hell seem a lot more trivial than it is. FL girl just called and she's addressing the crap directly now. As a peer...
Interesting how the one thing that consumed me for 18 months was suddenly paled by something else... and it escaped my notice....
Later - I'll be back with a real post
Monday, April 16, 2007
Update on weight loss and self care.
I won't lie.
I haven't been attending my WW meetings the last 2 weeks.
I have, however, been vigilant on what I am eating and my scale in my house is proof. THe number keeps shifting down which is the way I like it. I am making a deal with myself to really turn the screws and get moving this week on activity. It has to happen. I also need to continue my skin regimin. It's really working - I look good. I am making my hair appointment at the end of the month - cut and color and then maybe if there's time and money - a facial. Yay me. and of course the requisite eyelash perm and tint. We are experimenting with extensions in May. If it's good, I'll invest the money in having it done. then I won't need perming and tinting. Just maintenance on the extensions. Thats a dream come true. I LOVE eyelashes!!! the longer the better.
A truer testatment is that I am not emotionally eating. And those of you who have been paying attention/actually know/reading between the lines, know that the risk for that was HIGH this week.
I drank instead. A really big surprise even to me. not my norm because I hate the lack of control. And I'm off that too for awhile. A glass of wine now and then but that's it. I don't need to blow off steam that badly and the end result is not good for me.
I slept like a top last night. I took some melatonin just to ease the process, but it was wonderful and refreshing. I feel good.
I don't know how many of you readers take any stock in astrology. I am open to it personally, but don't revolve my life around it. I actually get in trouble with it. when I am not really reading or paying attention or worse, dismissing it, that's when it sneaks up and bites me in the ass. Hard.
I readily admit that I think some of these people who write them are hokey. And some aren't.
My horoscope is hilarious. As I mentioned I tend to dismiss. I have a friend who SWEARS by it and she mentioned that with the shifts my life has recently taken, it might be a good idea to consult it. I almost died laughing on the one for this week and next week. This week is all about self care ( see above) and next week well... I'll make you wait for that so we can see together if the person writing these is really in tune with the universe....
It was too funny. And it happens to me all the time. And yet, you would think that might make me a believer in the mystical and it doesn't - not 100% and not enough. I love tarot cards - won't stake my life on it, the mermaid oracle - a personal favorite ( they are so pretty! ) also fun, but still a crap shoot, atrology.com ( the better of most sites by the way...) facade.com for tarot readings.... quite a hoot actaully.
Doesn't make me a full time believer and yet I go there when the chips are down. Why? I am looking for the clues from the universe that I may have missed. Then I can have my own private V-8 moment - hit myself in the head and say " crap - I should have been paying attention to the universe - and had a V-8!)
I haven't been attending my WW meetings the last 2 weeks.
I have, however, been vigilant on what I am eating and my scale in my house is proof. THe number keeps shifting down which is the way I like it. I am making a deal with myself to really turn the screws and get moving this week on activity. It has to happen. I also need to continue my skin regimin. It's really working - I look good. I am making my hair appointment at the end of the month - cut and color and then maybe if there's time and money - a facial. Yay me. and of course the requisite eyelash perm and tint. We are experimenting with extensions in May. If it's good, I'll invest the money in having it done. then I won't need perming and tinting. Just maintenance on the extensions. Thats a dream come true. I LOVE eyelashes!!! the longer the better.
A truer testatment is that I am not emotionally eating. And those of you who have been paying attention/actually know/reading between the lines, know that the risk for that was HIGH this week.
I drank instead. A really big surprise even to me. not my norm because I hate the lack of control. And I'm off that too for awhile. A glass of wine now and then but that's it. I don't need to blow off steam that badly and the end result is not good for me.
I slept like a top last night. I took some melatonin just to ease the process, but it was wonderful and refreshing. I feel good.
I don't know how many of you readers take any stock in astrology. I am open to it personally, but don't revolve my life around it. I actually get in trouble with it. when I am not really reading or paying attention or worse, dismissing it, that's when it sneaks up and bites me in the ass. Hard.
I readily admit that I think some of these people who write them are hokey. And some aren't.
My horoscope is hilarious. As I mentioned I tend to dismiss. I have a friend who SWEARS by it and she mentioned that with the shifts my life has recently taken, it might be a good idea to consult it. I almost died laughing on the one for this week and next week. This week is all about self care ( see above) and next week well... I'll make you wait for that so we can see together if the person writing these is really in tune with the universe....
It was too funny. And it happens to me all the time. And yet, you would think that might make me a believer in the mystical and it doesn't - not 100% and not enough. I love tarot cards - won't stake my life on it, the mermaid oracle - a personal favorite ( they are so pretty! ) also fun, but still a crap shoot, atrology.com ( the better of most sites by the way...) facade.com for tarot readings.... quite a hoot actaully.
Doesn't make me a full time believer and yet I go there when the chips are down. Why? I am looking for the clues from the universe that I may have missed. Then I can have my own private V-8 moment - hit myself in the head and say " crap - I should have been paying attention to the universe - and had a V-8!)
Untitled Post
Today was the second Sunday of Easter.
THe Gospel of choice in Christian based churches was about THomas - doubting Thomas.
I adore my priest. He's young ( my age roughly). He spoke of his worst year. The year he couldn't wait to have over. He mentioned that he was in a job he hated, a church that wasn't comfortable, a masters program that wasn't working for him, family was having issues and he was alone. He went on to mention that good friends will stay with you and help you see the sun on the dark days, good friends will walk with you when you need them too and sometimes carry you when that's required.
I have to be honest, somehow that tied into the Gospel for today. I really didn't get past those last words. They are very true. And the ones who do this often times come from places you don't expect.
Bernie's version was a little bit different.... A friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body. Same idea - with his unique twist of humor.
But the part that gets confusing is when the problems are with one of the "best friends". That's where we deal differently and it's subtle, very subtle and it needs to be handled delicately to a degree so as not to shake the foundation up too much. Right?
Or is it? Do you avoid? Do you confront? Do you pretend everything is normal and hope the awkwardness goes away?
I don't know the answers here.... but that's actually OK for now. Because I have other friends who are carrying and CARING for me right now when I need them.
You all know who you are.... Thank you for caring about me enough to help me through this. It's tough on me, but I am taking this to a higher power sometime this week. I have a wonderful counselor in my priest and I have talked over things with him of significantly more importance in the scheme of my life. In reading some of your blogs, you picked me up and carried me when you were not in an optimal place for yourselves. And in light of that..... I am grateful. Very, truly blessed and grateful.
It is kind of Strange though. While it's very important to me, I can't help taking a step back and thinking "how junior high is this?" or worse yet "This is embarassng to be dealing with when there are people out there grieving for lost loved ones, war, rape, death, illness...." But in the end, its still real to me and not going away. It's just dulled a bit after a lot of tears and then some sleep, then more tears. I prayed a lot this morning. Shortly I will be heading to bed and I will pray again. I have had several discussions with my dad ( don't look at me like that, I know he's dead. I still talk to the man and sometimes, when it's important, that's when I get my answers! ).
In fact, a problem solving technique that I like to employ is to shelve the problem until a set date and time. Anytime it comes up, you repeat some lovely mantra or phrase that works for you. Mine is " Put down the problem and step away! It's not to be touched until ____"
My timetable here is not reliant on me. But I am not going to address the issue before April 20. If it's forced prior to that, I'll cross that bridge then.
THe Gospel of choice in Christian based churches was about THomas - doubting Thomas.
I adore my priest. He's young ( my age roughly). He spoke of his worst year. The year he couldn't wait to have over. He mentioned that he was in a job he hated, a church that wasn't comfortable, a masters program that wasn't working for him, family was having issues and he was alone. He went on to mention that good friends will stay with you and help you see the sun on the dark days, good friends will walk with you when you need them too and sometimes carry you when that's required.
I have to be honest, somehow that tied into the Gospel for today. I really didn't get past those last words. They are very true. And the ones who do this often times come from places you don't expect.
Bernie's version was a little bit different.... A friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body. Same idea - with his unique twist of humor.
But the part that gets confusing is when the problems are with one of the "best friends". That's where we deal differently and it's subtle, very subtle and it needs to be handled delicately to a degree so as not to shake the foundation up too much. Right?
Or is it? Do you avoid? Do you confront? Do you pretend everything is normal and hope the awkwardness goes away?
I don't know the answers here.... but that's actually OK for now. Because I have other friends who are carrying and CARING for me right now when I need them.
You all know who you are.... Thank you for caring about me enough to help me through this. It's tough on me, but I am taking this to a higher power sometime this week. I have a wonderful counselor in my priest and I have talked over things with him of significantly more importance in the scheme of my life. In reading some of your blogs, you picked me up and carried me when you were not in an optimal place for yourselves. And in light of that..... I am grateful. Very, truly blessed and grateful.
It is kind of Strange though. While it's very important to me, I can't help taking a step back and thinking "how junior high is this?" or worse yet "This is embarassng to be dealing with when there are people out there grieving for lost loved ones, war, rape, death, illness...." But in the end, its still real to me and not going away. It's just dulled a bit after a lot of tears and then some sleep, then more tears. I prayed a lot this morning. Shortly I will be heading to bed and I will pray again. I have had several discussions with my dad ( don't look at me like that, I know he's dead. I still talk to the man and sometimes, when it's important, that's when I get my answers! ).
In fact, a problem solving technique that I like to employ is to shelve the problem until a set date and time. Anytime it comes up, you repeat some lovely mantra or phrase that works for you. Mine is " Put down the problem and step away! It's not to be touched until ____"
My timetable here is not reliant on me. But I am not going to address the issue before April 20. If it's forced prior to that, I'll cross that bridge then.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
On Murder Mysteries
The party was overall a success. The food was good, everyone came in costume, the drinks were wonderful. The company was good. we had a grieving widow, a nun a priest, a forensic specialist, a ferry captain, a french restauranteur, a real estate agent, an investigator, a chauffeur, a slutty secretary and a simple forestor.
The chauffeur and grieving widow were the murderers. My poor friend who played the chauffeur, took one look at the first round that outted him with a clue to conceal that stated he as the murderer, he made me go wiht him to the bedroom to explain what was happening... it was funny.
He brought his new lady friend who played Inspector Flic. Very nice, I like her a lot for him. In fact I told him I liked her better than him! I'm kidding of course.
My dinner was delicious. One friend had too much to drink and I argued with them in order to keep them here as long as possible. When the argument was over 40 odd minutes later, they were sobered up! I can't prevent them from leaving so I argue until they sober up. I can keep that game up from hours. Especially since I was sober. and they weren't. Verry entertaining.
Had the entire house cleaned up and everything put back by the end of the night for the most part. I am pretty pleased with that overall.
I liked the murder mystery but someone else has to host it next time. It was very tiring. And I didn't sleep well either though that's the mode of choice these days.
This was a lot of fun. I Highly recommend it!!!
The chauffeur and grieving widow were the murderers. My poor friend who played the chauffeur, took one look at the first round that outted him with a clue to conceal that stated he as the murderer, he made me go wiht him to the bedroom to explain what was happening... it was funny.
He brought his new lady friend who played Inspector Flic. Very nice, I like her a lot for him. In fact I told him I liked her better than him! I'm kidding of course.
My dinner was delicious. One friend had too much to drink and I argued with them in order to keep them here as long as possible. When the argument was over 40 odd minutes later, they were sobered up! I can't prevent them from leaving so I argue until they sober up. I can keep that game up from hours. Especially since I was sober. and they weren't. Verry entertaining.
Had the entire house cleaned up and everything put back by the end of the night for the most part. I am pretty pleased with that overall.
I liked the murder mystery but someone else has to host it next time. It was very tiring. And I didn't sleep well either though that's the mode of choice these days.
This was a lot of fun. I Highly recommend it!!!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
More prepared for my party than I expected
The day was hectic. I ran around like a wingnut getting everything ready for this party. The party I am not in the mood to host. Nothing against my friends, but I am not in a party mood.
It's a good thing that I am doing it anyway. The fact remains that if I am busy I can't think or react. So those two things aside, this has the potential to be good for me.
I am the master of hiding when I need to. I feel like I need to, but not allowing myself that luxory. Not now and not on this.
A very wise point was made today, that I was sliding fast. That's true. So stopping myself midslide seems like the wise thing to do. I am picturing myself, fallen, on a ski slope, unable to go down any further but with no viable means to get back up to the top.
So I was relieved when the hand was held out to help me back up to the top. I had been planning to ask for that help from this specific individual, but there never seemed to be a good time. I felt like it was a productive discussion and while I still have the fear, it's much easier to deal with. The conversation led me to more questions than answers butI can't tell you how relieved I feel. Though nothing truly got resolved, I am no longer angry and upset. Yes, I shed a few tears but that was the reality of the situation being painted in front of me. The good part is I have that hand to help me back up the mountain.
Now, I have never thought of myself as stupid, but maybe I am. In certain specific areas. For example. If someone calls and leaves me a message saying " I need to talk to you, it's urgent, I'll call you back tomorrow" I'll climb the walls until I know what's going on. Likewise when I was younger and my mom would say "Wait until UB gets home" or even younger "Wait umtil your dad gets home" I would dbe panicking and flipping out until the inevitable happened.
So surprises don't sit well with me unless they are good ones. And please don't be swayed and give me clues because that will only make me crazy and not in the good way. I anticipate the worst because I have never had a major surprise that was a good one. One that was just about me an other people. Oh yes the surprise Christmas/birthday gifts for sure but I am talking about something other than the material.
So keeping myself busy is a good thing. I can't get caught up in the possible ( and lets face it probable ) bad outcome. I am considering filing this week under "fun memories" and calling it over. I think its the right thing to do. Although, to be fair, I am basing all of this on my own feelings and opinions. Is that the right thing to do? Should I take into acount the other's involved ? Probably.
I think I am alone in this to be honest. So I am going to mentally treat this as if I am. If I am wrong, I'll deal with that when it comes up.
So I am busy and now I am planning to be sleeping.
Oh - I ate Pina coloda flavored Cashews tonight for dinner - I HIGHLY recommend these.
Au Revoir - Fait de beau reves!
It's a good thing that I am doing it anyway. The fact remains that if I am busy I can't think or react. So those two things aside, this has the potential to be good for me.
I am the master of hiding when I need to. I feel like I need to, but not allowing myself that luxory. Not now and not on this.
A very wise point was made today, that I was sliding fast. That's true. So stopping myself midslide seems like the wise thing to do. I am picturing myself, fallen, on a ski slope, unable to go down any further but with no viable means to get back up to the top.
So I was relieved when the hand was held out to help me back up to the top. I had been planning to ask for that help from this specific individual, but there never seemed to be a good time. I felt like it was a productive discussion and while I still have the fear, it's much easier to deal with. The conversation led me to more questions than answers butI can't tell you how relieved I feel. Though nothing truly got resolved, I am no longer angry and upset. Yes, I shed a few tears but that was the reality of the situation being painted in front of me. The good part is I have that hand to help me back up the mountain.
Now, I have never thought of myself as stupid, but maybe I am. In certain specific areas. For example. If someone calls and leaves me a message saying " I need to talk to you, it's urgent, I'll call you back tomorrow" I'll climb the walls until I know what's going on. Likewise when I was younger and my mom would say "Wait until UB gets home" or even younger "Wait umtil your dad gets home" I would dbe panicking and flipping out until the inevitable happened.
So surprises don't sit well with me unless they are good ones. And please don't be swayed and give me clues because that will only make me crazy and not in the good way. I anticipate the worst because I have never had a major surprise that was a good one. One that was just about me an other people. Oh yes the surprise Christmas/birthday gifts for sure but I am talking about something other than the material.
So keeping myself busy is a good thing. I can't get caught up in the possible ( and lets face it probable ) bad outcome. I am considering filing this week under "fun memories" and calling it over. I think its the right thing to do. Although, to be fair, I am basing all of this on my own feelings and opinions. Is that the right thing to do? Should I take into acount the other's involved ? Probably.
I think I am alone in this to be honest. So I am going to mentally treat this as if I am. If I am wrong, I'll deal with that when it comes up.
So I am busy and now I am planning to be sleeping.
Oh - I ate Pina coloda flavored Cashews tonight for dinner - I HIGHLY recommend these.
Au Revoir - Fait de beau reves!