For the past week I have been a little bit down. Not so much that most people would notice, but those close to me did. I had no idea why - it just hit me.
Nothing major, no crying jags. Just not feeling "my usual bouncy" self. Less bounce to ounce so to speak. There really wasn't anything I could put my finger on. Fall is here and I LOVE this season, the weather, the colors, the clothing, the food, the smells - I mean YUM. So this melancholy that descended on me was kind of weird.
Physically I am feeling ok. Work is no more stressful than it normally is. My family is doing OK. Except for my step dad's mom. She's ill and she's in the hospital. Her mind has been drifting to the past a lot lately more and more and things haven't been going well there. She is 101. It's not too uncommon but it is sad as she's a tough strong independent woman. She has her opinions and she is super lady - so this is difficult to watch and my parents are having a tough time with her at home.
That alone isn't enough to bring on this melancholy though it is certainly a contributing factor. Then when I really got to thinking about that, it occured to me that last week Dennis passed away at age 50. Then today Howie, our IT guy in my NYC office, passed away from a sever asthma attack. That was kind of freaky being an asthmatic myself. They pulled the plug on the life support with him. It happened over the weekend. Then it occurred to me that my friend of 25 years is doing the same thing with her mother on Monday. Which is really sad for me as her parents are so wonderful and I adore them so. As if that wasn't enough, Larry passed away yesterday and though he was older and suffered from Parkinsons, he was a friend of my step mom's parents ( I knew her father well).
Just when you think, who else could possibly die that the Contessa knows? Diva's husband's grandmother ( who raised him).
No one specifically close to me, but I knew all of these people well. I would grieve anyway but this was like a slam dunk for me. 5 people in 9 days.
I am reasonably sure that the melancholy is due to this.
I have a few funerals to attend now. I will be singing at Larry's with my church choir on Saturday morning. I did not attend the funeral for Diva's Husband grandmother. I don't feel guilty about that either. Neither one of them has been "friends" of mine for over a year now. Almost 2 actually. Her husband is still very angry though I am unclear on why he is angry with me. I also no longer care. The point is I was not comfortable with this so I did not go, but I did send a card. Whatever takes place with Doris I will be there in whatever capacity that Nancy wants me to be.
I had to pick and choose the funerals to attend you see. I still can't "do" funerals real well since my dad passed 3 years ago. I can handle them to a degree but I don't do the viewings if I can avoid it and I prefer to "work" the funeral in an official capacity as soloist even for those I know as it keeps me focused.
I will say that writing it here was very cathartic for me. I feel the haze lifting as I type to be honest. At least I know what caused this melancholy is so I can deal with it.
2 comments:
Wow. That's a lot to deal with in a short time, especially if you don't 'do death' well.
It sounds like you nailed the cause. Now how do you get OUT of it?
Once I get through the funeral(s)I'll be OK. I needed to figure out the "why" more than the fix. PUlling myself out is related to the direct cause.
I will probably do what I normally do, which honor my feelings at the funerals ( or right after if I am working them) and then do what makes me happy - spend time with my friends, my family, my boys, practice my music, and write about it here.
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