That trust thing and it's link to self - esteem

Since I was a little girl, I have always believed that God tested us with life events to see how we react so we will be stronger and on the right path. The other thing is that he won't give us more than we can bear.

I am unsure where this test started, though I suspect it was in my early teens. Being a child of divorce there were different food rules depending on what house we were in. In my mom's home, we were required to try everything before we were allowed to reject it. Balanced meals weren't so much an important memory, but I recall all food groups on the table, but no rules enforcing it really. At my dad's house, we were required to eat everything that was put on our plates. And we had to stay at the table until we were done.

I believe that a lot of my weight issues as a child came from over eating for comfort. I was not an unhappy child and I was fairly well adjusted from the divorce and re-marriage of both parents. But I had weight issues, or so I thought, from an early age.

I found pictures of me at 12 and 13 recently. In a bathing suit. If that is what being overweight looks like, I want to look that way again. Now.

It's all about perception.

My self esteem got damaged pretty badly in the process. I don't blame anyone for it. It's no one's fault. It happened and it's seriously not that uncommon.

I can look at all the things that I have accomplished in my life and the list is pretty long. I can tell myself that not only am I worthwhile, any man would be freaking lucky to have me. So What is the answer to the trust and self esteem test I am going through right now?

More specfically, I am not sure what my true path is here. I still have a certain leve of naivete in me. It's much less. But it's still there, and it's that small piece of me that enables me to overlook the uncertainties and see the good in people. I sometimes think that's a good quality to have and I try to grow it. Then the suspicious part of me takes over and it goes downhill.

So I am in the process of dealing with a test and I am trying to keep in my mind that I do the tests that I fail. I try very hard not to set myself up for them but occasionally they get handed to me and I try really hard to make the best situation that I can out of it.

This test is a two fold test. I tests my self esteem and self worth while testing my ability to trust. And through this, I need to keep my blood pressure in range and continue to be productive in my job. let's not even DISCUSS what a mess I have in the house....

fun, right?

Not even hardly.

But I am really trying. I am really praying that I find the right road to be on here.