I wouldn't swear to it, but I came home from teaching 3 kids in a great mood. All of whom do not get taught on this day at all. I had a lot of fun with them.... again - not the norm.
Yesterday, I was distracted and trying to teach. Constantly watching the clock, not being able to WAIT to get out of there. And not fair to these kids.
Today, I enjoyed my time with them so much that I was starting to do my usual, running over.
I wrapped up my last lesson, got the pizza I wanted so badly and headed home.
It was on the way home that I noticed that I felt better. My spirits were higher, I was not feeling insecure and I was OK.
I was almost relieved. NO - I WAS relieved.
"Other Men's crosses are not my crosses" A great quote by someone I do not know off hand but it was in my head when this thought occured to me.
I try really hard NOT to pick up other people's problems and adopt them. No matter how much I can make it apply to me, or how close to home it might hit, if I am not directly involved, I will listen, I will advise, but I will not adopt. I will not sit up and worry, though I will include in my prayers.
So why did this quote pop into my head. I know where I read it, but can't remember who wrote it. It's a really true and good statement though.
My biggest revelation here is that I need to stop this nonsense now. I am a strong woman. Very. I have always been the type who can hide the insecurities behind the strength and grow from it.
I haven't allowed myself the opportunity to really look at what is specifically bothering me, identify it's validity and then verify how I am going to combat it.
Jenna so nicely and patiently, and I mean patiently, pointed out that I needed to do other things and stop over thinking this problem. Ah
My solution was to do nothing.
As a woman of action, this was naturally a strange solution. But not only did it make sense, it gave me peace.
"The Lord Bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you and give you peace. "
Peace, which enabled me to then back down into a more trusting situation and do the thing I needed to do most. Apologize to my best friend for being an obsessive pain in the ass. a big one at that. So when I came home, I saw that she had written me, so I wrote her back with the apology ( several times) and soem detailed explanations.
I know this is a problem that I have, I know I needd to work on it, I am really trying and the fact that this took 48 hours is actually not bad for me. I just hate feeling so weak and inadaquate and inferior so I become obsessive in finding the answers because I can't deal with the inadequate feelings that I have self imposed.
In my youth, I could go for weeks and months like that. I could delude myself into a false sense of security very easily.
In looking back I see a pattern that started with my first love. I was never the leading lady in my own life. I always played the role of the best friend. And one should be the leading lady in her own life, shouldn't one? The word is gumption. I need more of it.
I learned a little bit about this from a movie, but great lines and dialogue in movies came out of someone's experiences. This one I paraphrased from the The Holiday. Kate Winslett says it toEli Walach and honestly I agree with it.
This leading lady role, it goes for everything. Career, Hobbies, Family, Romance - all of it.
And I have just casted myself in the leading role.
And this one is the acadamy award winner.
"And The oscar goes to......."
Me.
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