Trust

I have trust issues.

I get it. I know it.

It's a family trait. We trust, but not after the other folks are forced to prove, repeatedly, that they are trustworthy.

I am sad to say, the very borderline OCD that comes with that also runs in the family. It manifests in different ways for those of us blessed with being a familia.

It's been diagnosed, at least in me, and dealt with. Honestly it hasn't shown itself in about 10+ years.

The short version is, it's a spinoff that relates to my self esteem. If my self esteem is in good shape, the OCD doesn't show, if the self esteem has been knocked about, the OCD shows up.

I never claimed to be normal.

It's not medicated for a specific reason - it's not consistent or severe.

I have to say that when it reared it's ugly head last week, I knew immediately. literally. In the midst of the behaviour pattern, I knew I was overboard.

I'm not proud of it. But I know its an issue. I have since taken some additional steps to alleviate the symptoms that brought it on and the behaviours themselves.

I really am not detailing the behaviours, though I know that those of you who don't know me well, are DYING to know. Those of you who do know me, you know what happened.

I stopped. I'm no longer acknowledging the urge and certainly I am not acting on it. I may steal glance as I follow the highway East, but I am not acting on anything at this point. As of noon, I am prepared to fully trust in someone else and believe in them. The reason that I decided on this though is really key.

I can't accuse him of not being honest with me, if I am only trusting him with everything BUT this one thing. This ONE thing is becoming my problem and not his anymore.

I like to look at it as that early scene in "My best friends wedding". The bitchy cousins say "Oh lord, look, it's the bride and the woman she'll never live up to".

Thats how I feel. That I can't live up to the memory of three specific women. I made peace with two, one is my dear friend and that's easy, the other is his first wife and that's also OK, the last one is the whore.

For all the bad things and negativity that both he AND I say, there is something there that he fell in love with even for a short while. And given the fact that she is still hanging on to him, making it tough for hi to get over her, makes me even more insane.

Bringing me to another movie line ( we watch a lot of movies here - you can tell!) - this one from the holiday.

"So let me get this straight, he broke up with you, but sstays in contact all the time? That sucks!!! THat's great for him, but sucky for you! That means he can get what he needs from you when he needs it, but you can't ever get over him!"

That is EXACTLY what is happening. Just substitute the pronouns.

So in short, my lesson learned for today is that if you want the one you love to trust you and be honest, you have to do those things too. We were both doing this wrong but for the right reasons. We didn't want the other one to be hurt more than necessary.

Things aren't wonderful. But they will be - sooner rather than later I hope. But I virtually hold his hand and we will walk on this path together and figure this out.