Insecurity

Let's have a show of hands.....

"Who here thinks I am insecure?"

OK.

I know I'm not alone on this one....

I used to think my insecurities were weight related.

I now think the weight is due to insecurities.

Hows that for a turnabout?

I've made a lifetime of trying to get past them and see myself as the phenomenal woman that I am.

In many respects, I have done this well. I have succeeded in the target areas that I chose to work on.,

Then I recently discovered that there are whole areas in myself that I ignored phenomenally well, thus they sat there and festered for as long as they were allowed to be there.

Thus the change in my eating behaviour.

I wish I could take the credit on this one, but alas, no.

Before I had come to terms with who I am, I ate for every reason - hungry or not. Pain, happiness - name it - I did it. Stress of any kind got extra special attention.

Then in January of 2007, I noticed that my eating was taking a different direction. Emotional Stress caused me to STOP eating.

Duh. Mental head slap.

Now honestly.... I had so little emotional stress back then. I sort of miss it actually. I was emotionally available to support all my friends in their various problems and issues.

BAM. April comes, bringing Easter, spring and my best friend.

Since then I have lost 32 lbs in a combination of emotional stress and very hard work.

What he has brought to my life is nothing short of amazing and for as bad as things are now for him and by extension for me, I wouldn't change this. I would change small parts in general, but I wouldn't change anything about him or me. I would change some circumstances and general reactions ( largely from me) but that's it.

You see, I'm not sure I'm any good at relationships. MAybe I have been alone too long. Maybe I am still so afraid of rejection....

But I know that I have improved in one specific thing. I now say what I feel. I know that we've talked about this in other posts.... but it's true. I am not afraid to say "I love you" regardless of what it costs me. I am also not afraid to be angry when it's warranted.

I have more to lose now than I did in June. What I am doing in my mind, whether I ever need to or not is remember that I survived without him before.

But did I? It's kind of complicated but I never stopped loving him. ever. Regardless of who I dated, who he dated, we kept coming back to this. After all that time, we keep coming back to this and each time it goes a step further between us.

I wrote him a letter 7 years ago when his brother first got sick and I was leaving his life temporarily. In the letter I told that we were perfect for one another and he should get his head out of his ass and not let me go.

But he did. He let me go.

And I wasn't surprised.

But you know what did surprise me? and for those of you who know me this is big.

I actually told him how I felt about him to his face one night 9 years ago. I stood there in the empty bar and told him exactly how I felt about him and he was stunned. He had no idea. and he didn't run - HA HA. In fact he stuck around to see what could happen.

Here's the thing now. For years after, I was mortified and embarassed that I put my heart on the line with him.

And now that I am thinking abbout it... I'm not anymore. And not because the status is different with us.

it's me that's different. But there is more work that I need to do. I have insecurities that manifest in trust issues, He has abandonment issues and isn't afraid to talk about them with me but it makes him insecure too.

I'm not afraid to do the work, but it does scare me. Because I am so afraid that in the process I will lose him too. Maybe not, but the rejection thing is still there because of some of the remaining open questions.

Mind you we are talking about a man who is most attracted to brains and talen first and beauty second.

My first question - What the hell are you doing with me?

He told me to put my arm around to my back and pull MY head out of my ass! You hve to love the irony there....

You know what makes me laugh most about this?

Eddie Murphy did a bit in Raw about this.

In short, you need to go out and find someone AS messed up as you are.

I think it will be OK.