Uncertainty

I have been thinking a lot on this topic lately.

Uncertainty is a toxin.

For little things, most people can let it roll off them like water off a ducks back. But the big stuff? no way.

The bigger issue here, is that the uncertainty causes reactions. Why? because people, in the face of uncertainty with no end date will strive to create a solution, an answer or an end date.

For example.

Your child, has a seizure-like episode. You rush him to the hospital. They find no ready answer at that time, but schedule a boatload of tests. Among them, an EKG, an MRI, a slew of bloodwork. The child is 12 and has no memory of the episode, is taking meds for ADHD and had a growth spurt of 1 inch in 4 weeks.

The child plays sports but until an answer comes back, now cannot. He also, being 12, was allowed to be left alone in the house while the parents ran short errands ( less than 1 hour). All of this is no longer allowed till an answer comes back.

While logical and the child knows whats going on, the parents can't say anything about even the possibilities because they know as little as the child does.

The parents are being eaten alive with uncertainty. The kid less so, but frustrated that his quality of life has changed with no explanation or reason.

The scary part here, this may come back with NO ANSWER. Which will take this family a while to process and handle.

Then there's the situation in my life. Uncertainty caused me to behave in a crazy and irrational fashion. I don't remember crying nearly as much as I did the past 2 months even when my dad passed. It consumed me so much that I was unable to put the focus and effort that I notmally put into my life. My life. not just my job, not just my activities. my life.

It has always been that way for me. I look for the answers. I work to get them. I am less afraid of bad news and more afraid of NO news. But in the face of no news, I can only sit still for so long. Then I create the answers in my own head. And no, they are never good! I always go to the extreme so I am less surprised when it happens.

I do this with everything from job layoffs, to auditions, to relationships. Nothing is sacred.

So 2 months of this made me an absolute lunatic. But I am pleased to tell you that I have let go of the whore. I was the one holding that demon close, and I have let it go. Finally and completely. I didn't even realize it until last night.

I have others, but I am working through them. This is part of the trust thing and I am working on that too. I hate to admit this, but I trust no one. Not for a long time. It takes me a long time and a lot of testing to finally relax and trust. I am trying to be better with that. I really am. Trusting my best friend is easy most of the time, but when I am tested through uncertainty too long, that's when things get interesting.

Basically, during an extended period of uncertainty, I have instituted a new expression that I am trying to opererate with:

"Don't worry till you have to. Don't guess unless you are sure."

If I Can make this work, there is hope for me.