I don't think I pictured my life this way

Some people have a plan.

I don't - but some do.

I once shared a house with a guy who had made it clear on move in day that he was already behind on having his SECOND kid ( we were 26 at the time) and he didn't have a gf, wife or the first kid yet.

That's a little bit extreme. But its those kind of plans that keep people moving and searching. That well defined can, and his case did, lead to acute disappointment and depression.

In my case, I had no set plans. I will tell you that I always believed that the cart would be before the horses. Since I was 17 years old in fact. I figured that, in a n extreme example - an its only an example - that the man of my dreams ( or whoever it was that moment) would outright propose marriage, in some cases, before the first or second date even happened.

Again - ONLY AN EXAMPLE.... but it's a clear picture of the cart before the horse.

But I didn't always beleive that. Oh yes. Once upon a time.... I was a dreamer.

I could wile away hours day dreaming about the man I would marry, the kids we would have ( don't laugh - I was young and didn't realize that with my lack of patience I would normally EAT my young not raise them....), the house we would live in , the pets - etc.

I realy don't know the exact moment when I realized that MY Life doesn't work like that. All my friends, we went to college, we met our significant other along the way somewhere, we got married, we bought homes, some of us reproduced, others ( mercifully) didn't ( like me).

But that didn't happen to me. I went college, I dated infrequently after that. I had long term relationships that usually started through my job as that was the only thing I did from 20- 30 years of age. Which is also what made the relatioships last that long even after we grew out of them, we worked together and it was convenient.

I can tell you, for a fact, that I've never fallen in love before this. I stepped in it once or twice.......

( quick - what movie is that from??? answer provided later)

But the minute that romantic love became day to day reality, I literally panicked. I didn't know what to do, who to talk to, how to explain what I was going through. I love him to be sure. No doubt in my mind.

But we were going through a rough patch. Ironically a rough patch that living together would prove to correct and virtually eliminate. But neither of us saw that at the time.

I said yes to the suggested change. Then I didn't know what to do. I freaked out. Largely in silence, though I got support from some wonderful trusted friends.

Then I calmed down, and things turned back upward. I was just starting to fly high, then

BAM!!!!

I went to a rehearsal in the bloody snowstorm, for which the director owes me HUGELY for.... When I got home, I was startled to find that he was ready to pick a fight.

I actually walked out of my own home with the intent of going to a diner or a bar for an hour. Just to let him cool off.

He apologized a lot, we talked a lot - til 7AM which is why I am freaking EXHAUSTED right now.

The short version is, he picked the fight because he was mad at himself for not lifting a finger all week to clear out his old place, he was angry at me for taking such exquisite care of him and not caring for myself, and lastly because I was out and it was late.

all of this was easy to forgive - some of the methods of saying it, not as easy.

My freakout about this change was small and sublte though I did tell him about it. Once it was over. His took on a full combative performance. And it took me by surprise.

Additionally - peter pan came back for the revival of this combative performance. That is still causing me some grief. But it's manageable. I'm now being patient.

It's not as hard as it seems.

But I know that I didn't picture my life this way. I had a far more pristine and somewhat clinical picture in my mind.

But I'm not sorry - this is going to be a hell of ride and It's my adventure1!!!