The big "C", research, fear, chemo, radiation - to name a few keywords....

The Big "c'.



In my parents' day, this was statement was usually uttered in a stage whisper. Accompanied by the sign of the cross or "bite your tongue" or spitting depending on your nationality / religious beliefs.



Cancer.



It's amazing to me. When I hear about people who have it, I always think "They are tough and fighters - they can beat this - the success rate is so much higher today than ever before."



This one is too close to home. In fact - it's IN my home, though I am not the patient.



And I can't say those words to myself. Hence the fear.

Fear is generally irrational and not grounded in reality or logic. At least not in the beginning.

Emotionally - I am afraid of losing him to this disease. I am angry that he has it, angry that he let it go for two years untreated and angry that it's in the throat which is his primary means of work. I am scared that we an't do enough fast enough to arrest it and treat it. I am afraid of the side effects. I am afraid of being without him.

That said, I started researching Medicaid, the American Cancer society and I also started talking to my holistic healer who has battled breast cancer and survived through a combination of traditional means ( she did the radiation and chemo treatment) and through holistic treatments as well.

I am all intentions of re-vamping the dietary plan we have been eating on ( largely consisiting of take out and vodka.) and bringing more natural and organic foos into the house. More fruits and veggies. That sort of thing.

We have stepped up the closing down of his old house. I don't want the threat of that hanging over us while we are in the middle of a bigger situation. So that is being stepped up.

We have a lot to do and not a lot of time. The official diagnosis was Thursday. This tuesday is another test that will stage it and then radiation the following week and chemo the week after that.

I am fighting to get a second opinion simultaneous to the radiation. I think before anyone puts poison in their body they should absolutely get at least one more opinion. Additionally I have started bringing in the moisturizers for his skin as the radiation is very painful on the skin and hard on it overall. Given that his immune system is weak I have asked my holistic healer to please bring a bottle of the probiotics tonight to help put the good bacteria and help build him back up.

As I said a lot to do and very little time to do it. My stress level is higher today than other days but I also in major need of sleep. I am also needing to keep busy which I am doing by cleaning and organizing.

I need all your prayers and good thoughts here.