I'm scared

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how I can be strong for those that I love. Or in this case - the one that I love.

While I know this to be true.... each day comes back with information that strikes fear in me. I won't communicate that to him because he's already scared.

He now needs to have oral surgery to remove some of his top teeth. Due to surgeries in his youth for a cleft palette, he has some teeth that were weak but not detrimental. Given that radiation will increase the speed of decay in bone more specifically teeth, he has to have a few removed.

Which means that has to happen immediately as the radiation cannot start until that is healed. Meaning another week or two.

I don't think I need to tell you that this chink in the chain is not the greatest news because it means prolonging the arrest and shrinkage of the tumors.

The good news is still that nothing has spread to date.

We are busy working on Medicaid and I am researching the possible side effects and charts and stats and cargiving info all the while.

But that doesn't erase the fear.

I believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer. Information always gives me that option so I research on. I am only now communicating my fears to others as I do not want him burdened with it.

It's funny, my friend Mark passed away of esophagial cancer 4 years ago. He told no one that he was sick. I kind of understand why. He didn't want people to treat him differently and he didn't want to be constantly reminded by people falling apart around him.

Of course that is the complete opposite here. He texts his entire phone book with the news and sends out email blasts to the rest. It makes it easier if he has to tell it fewer times. But on the other hand - he does like the attention.

To a point. When it comes time to be serious and beyond the fans saying "oh no - we'll say a prayer" and the real work starts with driving to and from appts, getting them on the calendar, making sure we have paperwork, the right foods, drinks, meds etc.... he doesn't want to deal at all.

Can't blame him there, but it is still necessary.

Meanwhile, I have this thing where I feel that I need to make everything good and happy and there is no fighting and strife and tra la la.

So when he borrowed my car to go to band practice last night for 2 hours and came home 5 later with no call or anything, I was pissed. Even more to the point, he had been drinking and driving. My car. I was so angry I couldn't sleep. At all. I got 2-3 hours at most and had to wake up at the crack of dawn to move it as he had to park it on the street because my spot was taken at that hour.

Did I pick the fight - no. It wouldn't have mattered if I had - he was drunk he wouldn't have remembered it anyway. I will calmly mention it later but the fact is he was being inconsiderate. I recognize that he wanted to go see one our friends to tell them the latest in person, but evidently his finger broke or his mouth or the freaking cell phone and he was unable to call and let me know so I wouldn't worry. Nothing I could do about the drinking as I wasn't there.

He knows that has to stop - that's the good news. He is going to get some help and treatment for that as well because once the radiation starts - that has to go. Can't do both. It's like pouring fuel on a fire.

To be fair given the status of things and how fast they are changing - I am not sure that I wouldn't' be drunk most of the time... I just wouldn't try to drive or even operate anything heavier than the remote. I don't give him a hard time with it unless he does something stupid like that.

So this blog, at least for the short term, is going to become a bit of a vent/rant/express how I am feeling about all of this. I ask you to please be patient with me. I haven't done the caretaker routine first hand in about 5 years.... I'm out of practice.

And I'm still scared that I could lose the man I love.