Music of my heart

You'll never know, what you've done for me
What your faith in me, has done for my soul
You'll never know the gift you've given me
I'll carry it with me
Through the days ahead I'll think of days before
You made me hope for something better
And made me reach for something more

My best friend has taught me a lot of things. It was ironic. I was re-fitting a slip cover to the couch last night and he was cooking dinner, and we were just idly discussing the documentary we had been watching about de-criminalizing illegal drugs.

It occurred to me, in that moment, that I have never watched so many documentaries as I have since he came along. I've enjoyed and learned tons from most of them.

With that, I have noticed that I have seriously given thought to, and re-formed my opinions on many social and political issues of our time. Of course, I haven't gotten a personality transplant or anything. As I have always done, I see the other persons point of view, but it doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them.

We have full discussions about the state of our union, religious views, drugs, prostitution, rape, the prison system, slavery, prejudice, gangs, the homeless, medical insurance and socialized medicine...

Seriously - these are not conversations I tend to engage in. Not never, but not wanting to do battle as a rule, I stay away from these topics. We don't do battle though we don't always see eye to eye. The thing is I have learned that many of my opinions are based on my own personal fears.

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart

You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart (music of my heart)

He has also taught me to free up the music in me and not be locked into the one thing I know how to do. Having made the observation that I am afraid to disappoint him and embarrass the seasoned performer, he has not pushed me hard. However, he also observed that every single thing he has asked me to pick up and learn I have picked up and done.

To my surprise, I am actually becoming a much better musician because of him. I am certainly more well rounded in this area and I am retaining my classical side as well.

Our voice blend like we were born to sing together. I am ever surprised when I hear us. It always makes me smile when he asks me in social settings to grab the high harmonies and please sing louder!

You were the one, always on my side (always on my side)
Always standing by (always standing by)
Seeing me through
You were the song that always made me sing (made me sing)
I'm singing this for you
Everywhere I go, I'll think of where I've been
And all of ones who knew me better then any One ever will again

I'm told I'm a strong person. While I know that that is fundamentally true, I don't feel that way most of the time.

I feel in many ways, stronger because of him an sometimes weaker because I rely on him. I don't mean these things in negative ways. Having him at my defense, having him need me and vice versa- these are the things that go along with any relationship of substance from friendship to marriage to any partnership. I know this, but it's strange. Until it's the right kind of partnership with the right person, those things feel wrong. With us, they come almost naturally. Without a second thought.

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart

You opened my eyes
you opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart

There are aspects of this partnership that I love and wouldn't trade and some that I miss from before. Though I have faith that all will come right in the end, for the time being things are going just fine.

He has taught me so much about the person I was, the person I am and the person I am becoming. I feel that though things are murky now they are clearer than they have ever been. I feel that the highs and lows of the past year, while harsh and difficult, lead us to this place. and for a very specific reason.

What you've taught me
Only your love could ever teach me
You got through when no one could reach me before

'Cause you always saw in me
All the best that I could be
It was you who set me free

He forced down that wall when no one else could. He broke the barriers, and forced me, gently, to see that I was capable of love. He taught me that I had to start taking better care of me and not necessarily sacrificing my happiness for someone Else's. OK - I haven't QUITE mastered that last one but here's to effort!

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Helped me hear the music of my heart (music of my heart)
Helped me hear the music of my heart

You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart
Music of my heart
Music of my heart
Is the music of my heart

I write this today, because after 1 year, he has finally been to see the doctor. He has a mass pressing against his carotid artery and it is causing him enormous amounts of pain an some more alarming side affects. He has had it biopsied and Tuesday we get the results.

Though I am trying to remain positive and not jump to any conclusions, my mind does wander into that dangerous territory of "what if" once in a while. The thing is, from a purely selfish point a view, I haven't had him long enough. I'm not ready to let him go. If sheer acts of love and will and positive thinking can do anything at all - I'm all in. In fact, now that I have put it down on my blog I think I can let go of that forbidden place and completely focus on him being OK. Needing minimal treatment. Staying around.

He mentioned the other day, that commitment is committing to do the hard day to day work in addition to the big things. The problems of the living so to speak.

I am worried. I am prayerful. I am thankful.

He's the music in my heart.