The fact is Since 1/17 my life has been really different. So much happened so quickly that I know that we both are just reacting as it comes.
Some interesting realizations have crept up on me. Things like, he is exactly the same now as he was in his 20's in many areas.
I now truly understand much of what makes up his insecurities. And his relief from them only feeds and fuels mine further.
I awoke this morning feeling tired, frustrated and generally out of sorts. I wish it could be work, but that's no longer the stresser that it once was. OH it still has its moments but in general, not so bad anymore.
I am frustrated because I feel unappreciated. Oh he thanks me for helping, but I feel like he's just that much more appreciative of the MILLIONS who call to offer well wishes in response to his dramatic emails and text messages. However they aren't the ones doing the hard work. I am. So am I unreasonable about this?
Meanwhile - I feel like an ass for even ALLOWING that to cross my mind - why??? because this is his coping mechanism and I should not be resentful of that. And in truth its not the resentment to it that bothers me.... its that this takes precedence over all the crap I do here.
I have a wise friend in the south. Jules and I spoke today. She mentioned an interesting concept here. She believes that he has to handle these other people that way because he doesn't believe that he will get the support from them without working for it. So he treats them better because he knows I won't leave him.
It's the perversity of human nature. Meanwhile I have become somewhat quiet and withdrawn and he has noticed and doesn't know what to do. I can't rally right now though I am trying to. It just frustrates me. And I know I am being unreasonable... but I am missing a lot of the things that we used to do together. The uncompromised time we spent together- without his phone pinging constantly with calls and texts.
Things are off for us right now. Really really off. I understand that. I understand why. I know he's in pain.... I know he's not capable of eating regular food right now. I get it. He's not happy, he's more depressed. I really understand. I just need some understanding too. I don't want to be just a "room mate" and that's what it feels like right now.
What I want most is for him to be well again. I want him to be healthy and well and hopefully wise - r....
It can't happen soon enough - every day that this goes on I worry that the cancer spreads further.
1 comment:
For what it's worth, I shared this blog entry with my bf, who went through the big C with his ex. He said your feelings are really typical of someone in your situation. I don't know how that might be helpful, but at least you know you're *normal* lol (whatever that means) <3333
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