This has been one of my greatest challenges. Since Jon's diagnosis, I have not really cried, or had an emotional reaction in front of him. My worry is on my face at times or in the way I hover a little too much over him when he's in pain, but otherwise I stay the course and keep everyone positive and moving forward.
This week things were strained in large part because of me and my inability to quickly process events, make a decision and move on. It takes me longer than it takes him.
His computer has a virus and is a mess. I have been slowly working on it and trying to correct. It's slowly improving but I hit an impasse by Wed. So I took a day off. And his head exploded - not at me - but at himself for clicking on something he shouldn't have in the first place. He is very careful to qualify his frustration because he knows how many hours and how much money I have been spending to put it right again. But I know it's a pain in the ass - I hate it as much as he does.
So Thursday night when I arrived home from teaching, I poured myself a glass of wine, picked up my laptop and walked it over to his desktop and logged into my email to start re-working this machines registry line by line ad nauseum.
I was quiet. Working gave me the out. I didn't have to talk which is good as I was still really processing things.
At one point I asked him to please come over and pop his email password in so I could verify that login was working. He just verbally gave it to me and told me to play around as much as I wanted - nothing there I couldn't see. I was overwhelmed by the trust he has in me. Especially after I unwittingly violated that once a year ago.
I got all done with everything I could do and kicked off a NOrton Full scan and went to make my self dinner.
I sat down in the living room with my homemade waffles and he put on "God Said, Ha!". Now I don't care if you have personal identity with the situations outlined in the film or not - it's going to hit you between the eyes. For those of you unfamiliar, Julia Sweeney is doing poignant but funny at times monologue on her brother's cancer fight as well as her own. She survived, He did not.
In watching this film, I found myself unable to laugh, though she was absolutely hilarious. Unable to cry - and LORD KNOWS I WANTED TO.
Then she made some wise assed remark about her brothers responses to the shunt put in his forehead to help with fluids. I have to tell you that not only was that the funniest thing I had head, but it reminded me of his brother and the reactions that his brother routinely has at things like this. I looked at him and realized he was crying.
Then it occured to me that I was crying too.
Huh.
How did that escape me - had those tears been there all along?
Nah - I would have noticed to be sure.
I lean over and hug him. He tells me no no no - but doesn't push me away so I stay and just hold him.
Then he pushes me away - moment had passed.
We continue to watch this and it occurs to me slowly that I am not who he wants around right now. So the next round of tears that comes up - I look at him and he puts his hand up as if to say "don't touch me". I do this all the time to be honest... So I try not to take it personally. But I do say "I know I am not who you want around right now".
He responds by taking my hand and saying:
"You are going to meet everyone. Joann, Denise and yes, the whore. These women are going to be around and they are going to be our support system. They will be driving you and I back anf forth to radiation. And Yes the whore too."
" OK " is the only thing I can choke out here
"The whore is out of the doghouse with me as a friend. As a lover - not so much. But I need to let the anger go" He says
"I know - I knew that when you showed me the poem you wrote. I'm glad you've let it go but you have to be patient with the rest of us who aren't on the same point of the road yet and those of us who love you and don't trust the person who hurt you so badly"
still holding my hand "I know - and I can't tell you how that has helped me get to the point I am at with her. I can't have anger and pain hanging over me. THe only way to release it was to forgive her and rebuild the friendship. "
"OK I can try" I say
I get up, take out my contacts and get ready for bed.
I come back out to finish watching this movie that has now crushed me into sobs. He gets up to get something to drink and says to me "Turn it off - its time for bed".
It's not even midnight. Hunh
I say "no it's OK"
"no it's time for bed - this will be on some other time and we can watch it then. Besides I can't ever get through it all in one sitting. "
We go to bed and while we are laying there holding hands and watching "From Dusk til dawn" it occurs to me that we never had this moment since he got diagnosed - we just took it in stride and moved along as if nothing was different or even wrong for that matter - just each day as it came.
I know his cancer is not terminal. In my heart I know it. But there is always that 1% seed of doubt in my mind that something may crop up that will be life threatening. I can't imagine my life without him so this is a scary concept. I tend not to focus on it - I have to stay positive and stay the course in order to keep him positive and both moving forward
Since that night, I have noticed an overwhelming number of movies with thiis concept have been on lately - My Life with Michael Keaton, Catch And Release with Jennifer Garner and Juliette Lewis, God Said Ha! and so on.... Even though I have seen all of them in the past - these are just not films I can watch at this point. Sad because they are all good and struck a chord in me even before this.
Carrol O'Connor has a great line in Return to me. He says "It's the character that's strongest that God hands the most challenges to".
It's the strength of character that matters most in all of us. It's what is going to pull him through this. It's going to be what enables me to help him get through it.
We had a cathartic moment. It was really emotional and exhausting.
But necessary - folks don't bury it! Let it out so you can move forward.
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