The last year in this decade of my life....

39 years ago.... I was born. Twenty -two minutes ago to be exact.

Not far from where I currently live, no less. I don't even know if the hospital still exists.

The older I get, the more important my birthday becomes to me.

My dad was a big one for celebrating on THE day. We always did dinner on my actual birthday from the time my parents got divorced. That was his thing and he did it well. When he married my step mom - she embraced it as fervently as he did and sort of kept up the tradition after he died for awhile.

To be honest - we stopped it. Largely because my dad died a week before my birthday and it just became very morbid for both of us. Very sad. More her than me... but that's nont surprising.

I realized the other day that this is it. My last year in my thirties. As I write this, I am sitting here in my room, air conditioners humming away the intense heat of the day. I am hearing Jon cough in the living room where he is watching a ballgame and trying to wind down after a rough day, I have my Will and Grace on the TV and a cat on the bed.

Last night, he got his guitar out and played "You are the sunshine of my life". We looked at each other.... I can never describe that look between us, but everyone who see's us.... see's it.

This morning he played the only recording he has of he and the exwife singing together. I didn't know it existed so this was a lovely surprise for me. It was recorded on a 4 track recorded over a decade ago. It's good. It's really good stuff. All the material is the same stuff that he and I are targetting. When we got done listening to it, I commented that his playing is so much better, his lower voice is really rich on the tape but his upper voice today is far superior to what it was 10 years ago. She, not strangely enough, sounds like me. a little bit richer in the lower vocal ranges but I have more power. It was really a wonderful surprise to me.

He got a little sad and a little bit nostalgic. For a lot of reasons, one of which is the fact that he can't sing right now and is worried that he may never get to again. Another because of all the musical acts and bands that the has worked with in his life, the best musical partner for the job was his ex-wife. He misses the musical partnership though he does not miss the marriage. I absolutely can understand that.

I went back to my office and started working. It crossed my mind to tell him that there is more to him than musical performance. So much more. I wouldn't even know where to begin.... But the list is long and distinguished.

I am going to my girlfriends home alone this weekend. When I say alone, I mean without him. I will be amongst from friends and that will be lovely. I'm sad because I don't want to do this without him. I don't want to spend my birthday or fathers day without him. Neither of us have our dad's anymore, but both of us have step dads. He himself was a father until last year.

This is a bittersweet birthday because for as bad as I thought last year's was, this years, not really great either. That is no reflection on my family and friends.... by the way. It's just the circumstances surrounding this year are tough.

We'll make the best of this and muddle through. I have no expectations for tomorrow beyond the coffee I am having with my best friend.

Happy birthday to my friend and counterpart. We share the same name and the same birthday. She is my friend and like a sister to me as well. So, my friend, if you read this, May this year be a wonderful and special one for you!