THe mid-life crisis part II

Sit back and get comfy, Because I seriously do not know how long this is going to take.

Honestly, this period of growth is more painful than the stagnated existence I was in.

But, I am trying to get in the spirit of the thing.

I signed up with Arbonne and am using the products and my face has never looked better.

I am paying ( still) dearly for a phone call I made last weekend to a friend in the midwest that upset me so terribly that I inflicted some major damage on myself afterward. So, needless to say, I am putting some of that behind me and trying to put myself outside the situation and look in.

Jon has realized that I am burning out at work and he's trying to take some pressure off me. He is now able to cover the food shopping in the house, so while I am physically doing the shopping, we're using his money for it. It's been a load off me in a lot of ways.

He also researched the Rec center we have here in town ( a GORGEOUS facility. I was amongst the first day campers there when it opened in the early 70's and my dad was teaching summer school ) and determined that we should both join as they have a full out gym, several pools, ice skating rink and 12 dollar Yoga classes. The annual membership is minimal.

We are both becoming members of the county museum here as well. Something we both like and enjoy. Likewise a work friend is a season ticket holder ( possibly THE BEST seats EVER) at lincoln center for the NY philharmonic and has generously offered the nights he cannot go to us.

Most everyone who knows me will say that I am doing a lot for someone else and not doing as much for myself in the past few months. And while I agree with that in some respects, my mind is all about me and the things I am not getting and not having done for me. Being me, I am not verbalizing those things. Largely so as not to aggravate the cancer ( my old joke - don't make it mad!) But those things turn into resentments and get compared to reality a lot and thus I get very hurt and eventually over time - I get angry.

I used to be better at this. Before the illness - I would just lob it back at him and have it out. I feel sort of powerless and protective that I should not get angry at him.

The reality is, he has cancer. He does not or did not have a lobotomy. He will make me insane, he will drive me mad and make me angry and I will do the same. He makes sure he verbalizes it to me, but I am scared. I am more afraid that the cancer will get worse and he will die. I would rather have here and alive and me be pissed at him, then him dead.

Of course, I was talking about leaving him until Monday night. I am quite sure that is not going to happen unless it is his choice and it's not.

We are talking about some more major investments together. I am writing my will and he will be doing his, though he has no material assets beyond the music gear ( do NOT kid yourself - its' worth more than my new car! ).

My GOSH - relationships are freaking TOUGH!. I work harder at this than I do at my actual job. Which I hate. my job that is.... lol

I have started journaling again to help me re-discover the new path that I am on. I am using a Goddess journal that I was given to help me on the journey. It's not easy but I feel better already.

Oh - I should add that he made me go to the doctor yesterday because my eye was not improving from what appeared to be an allergy related issue. I was unable to wear contacts, but it wasn't red or swollem - just uncomfortable. I have a condition called a deteriorating epithelial. It's not a big deal and nothing that isn't treatable, but the eye doctor is now convinced that my torn cornea's are part and parcel of this condition which is genetic. There is no pain from this just the umcomfortable feeling that something is in the eye.

The big joke for us both was that the solution is a sodium/saline ointment. So I have to put this in my eyes and he has to consume it. What a freaking pair. Also I can't see, he can't hear. Lovely.

He was so relieved and he researched it and discovered that it was truly not serious and the fix is really that simple. So he and the docs agree. Good.

Jon is making efforts that include me and what I want now too. This is a big change from a man who puts himself and his needs ahead of everyone in the world. He asked me to pick up dinner one night from the teh take-out place that I like - he does not. But he found some things on the menu that he can deal with and placed the order and had me pick it up on the way home. I was surprised.

He is a little vain - but then so am I and his vanity has been compromised with the disease. He doesn't feel attractive. It always surprises me. Because he's always attractive to me. So I finally told him that the other night. He should dodge a camera - he is a good looking man regardless of the cancer. But the reality is, he weighs less than I do now and he's 6'1. His hair is starting to thin and fall out from the chemo and he has no teeth. He does not feel strong, he tires easily and is generally in bed by 10. All strange and all odd for him. When I pieced together some things - I understand more. It doesn't make me like the situation more, but understanding really helps.

He researches the internet for news every day. He loves politics and is constantly reading the presidential race news to me. We watch baseball together and cheer the mets on. My dad would be so thrilled!

Anyway - stay tuned. Things are getting better.

Special thanks to Mrs. Jax and my Hil-Bil.