Interesting development - Word of the day - Blah

I started about 3 posts over the past few days. None got published but in reading them I realized that each one pointed to the same specific problem.

It's me.

I have this insecurity about myself that only manifests every now and again in some interesting ways.

The three posts very specifically display this.

The titles are Political Shenanigans in the Musical World, Loneliness is and Maybe I'm over-reacting.

The first one took place over the weekend and it was about the politics in selecting soloists and the audition process. ( Yes I got the one I wanted). The shenanigans were legit, but they bothered me anyway.

The second one was actually Maybe I'm over-reacting and was about two mutual friends of mine who I see once per week. It has become obvious that I have become the third wheel and it was bothering me. Now that has since resolved itself as well.

The last one, Loneliness is, is about the fact that I will be alone for Thanksgiving this year for the first time ever, not by choice, To be with my family I have to go away and I can't afford that as I have church on thanksgiving eve and thanksgiving day. So I am going to be alone. And I am not really sure how I feel about it yet. Since I'm not overjoyed, or wildly ecstatic - I won't jump straight to "wow I'm looking forward to this". I'm not sure that I am upset by it and I am not frantically calling every person I know to wangle an invite. But I wouldn't mind one. Weird. I could go up to the restaurant where Eeman plays since he will be there working that night, I could order in a Thanksgiving dinner, or make whatever I want. But I like to be around people as it is my favorite holiday ever. It's a week and change away so there's no pressure....

These three posts, which will never be published so don't look for them, really made me see that my insecurities are there regardless of how much I bury them.

1. I am a talented musician: I sing beautifully and work hard at it. I play the flute beautifully and the piano. I am a dynamite teacher. I had an off day at the audition and I know what I need to do to make sure that doesn't happen again.

2. As for my friends, One of them I have spoken to and the other I will speak to at some other point when I see her. Both of them are good friends and I really think that had some over-reaction happening.

3. The Thanksgiving things were just bad timing.

I keep working hard to not take these things personally ( they all happened within 48 hours of each other). I am usually very self assured but for some reason these three things struck an insecure chord in me.

I'm not unhappy or sad or depressed or anything like that. I'm just marking time for lack of a better expression. I'm not exhilarated or anything like that, but I'm just kind of 'here'.

Blah is a good description.