A life lived in color is now Black and White

How to explain this title.



For it bears explanation, to be sure.



In the past decade of my life, I have had the luxory and security of living in technicolor. In a grand fashion.



I was fortunate to have the most wonderful friends in the world. I am still fortunate in that.



But I have recently started discussions to end one of these friendships ( with benefits) that will cause my technicolor world to go black and white - at least for awhile.



The only way to describe how I feel with this person in my life is technicolor. When we are together, All the colors of the rainbow are represented along with some that most can't see. When we are apart, my world is black and white.



So I am watching the color fade to grey. He isn't letting me go so quickly so I may end up in grey for awhile till I make up my mind. Honestly, I walked into this cutting him off permanently. But them the idea of losing my best friend tore a bigger piece of my soul than I thought it would. So I shelved the concept of forever temporarily. I can't decide that based solely on emotion.



For now, we are talking on the phone. Short conversations, but daily.



I am afraid. Of many things. Mostly I am afraid that if I let him go, I won't see the colors again. and if I don't let him go, things won 't change the way they need to. Oh and I should mention the perversity of my life where I finally let him go and I move on.... that's when he will have gotten his act together. So you can see I have a lot of things on my mind.



You see, we have a connection. That's the stupid word for it. We are bonded and linked in terms of time and space, timeless, centuries and all those crazy things. Those were his words. And the fact is, that translated into one kind of love for me and another for him. But we haven't met in the middle yet. I told him that he needed to leave me be so I could get over him as I have never had the opportunity to completely do that in 7 years. And in that 7 years, 4 of which I deluded myself into thinking that we were just best friends, I never got the full bearing of friendship because there was this thing between us. It is strong and sometimes bigger than everything around us AND we aren't the only ones seeing it. That didn't phase me, I was content to move on and have him as my best friend. But it did phase him. I just didn't realize how much.



It caused him to treat me erratically. Sometimes I got the full Best Friend treatment, sometimes I got treated as insignificantly as a fly. When those times happened I just stopped contacting him. When her removed his head from his ass, he would come around and we would be best friends again.



So last night, as I was really trying hard to break this off, it came to my attention exactly HOW LONG this has been going on. It's not acceptable and at the end of the day, I am not entirely convinced he will get over his own issues to be able to treat me the way I deserve.



I also have the issue of other women for him and other men for me. He will assuredly move on first. He can't NOT. I can't witness it and I made that clear. He wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of me with another man either. This cycle repeats stupidly for 7 years too.



I watched and listened as he shared things with me that we've never talked about before. I am paying for some his past, I get that and so does he. This whole situation has less to do with me and everything to do with him. He always said I didn't love myself. He meant him. He doesn't love himself. And that plays a major part in this. That and pride. He feels he has no future and won't get involved with someone who already does ( me) because he doesn't want to use me to gain security.



A little old fashioned I think, but I do think he does need to iron out his future. He's older than I am and he needs to stear his own course. But first he has to find his own course. I may or may not be part of that in one of many capacities. That will remain to be seen at this point.



I can't predict the future, but I can predict the present. For right now, I live in grey while I decide whether the color is worth the price or Black and White is a better risk while I search for someone else that brings color into my life. Black and white is winning out right now.



I have not spent an enormous amount of time talking this through with anyone, I have really kept my own counsel here with one outside opinion weighing in.



This scene is still being written.