"Don't go to sleep B-4 U put your bad feelings to bed. If U lie down angry U wake up the same. Let it go, 'cause if ya don't it'll eat U up. Be sad if U have to, but not forever. Be mad if U must, but stop & think. Life is messy...& that's what makes it fun!"
This is a hard one for me.
You see as a rule, I play my truest, deepest feelings, good, bad, angry, sad, all of them very close to the vest. If I am telling you about it, there is a good change that either A. I have no choice, B. The drama of the feeling has paled enough to deal with in the light of day or C. It wasn't that big of a deal in the first place.
I noticed this first when I had my first beau. I refused to mention his name out loud to anyone in the household. They only noticed when he called on the phone to speak to me and my clearly obvious reaction. An example of me not having a choice.
On the flip side, I didn't really react to my parents divorce either. That took so many years for me to deal with that by the time I was prepared it was such old news that it didn't matter. Likewise, since my older step brother was behaving like a mad idiot about the whole thing, why did I need to have a tantrum too? The facts remained that neither his parents nor mine should have been married to each other. Each couple divorced and his dad my mom married and thats that. THe reality is - that union still exists and is still happy. So here's an example of it paling by the time I was ready to deal with it.
And still a third scenario is about it not being THAT big of a deal in the first place. Like the bit with my family this past fall. That was less about me and more about others. Why did I have such a hard time with it. I only spoke of it to a small handful of people outside the family for perspective. When I finally got to a day to speak to my priest the reality was that this wasn'nt my issue at all. It was others. So I bowed out and made everything easier for me. Not my normal behaviour, usually I assume other's problems.
Now, given that we know that I keep my most intense and important things to myself, how the hell am I supposed to sleep and let them go???? When you can't control the situation??? I am telling you this I have some things I can't let go of right now and they aren't sitting so very well for me. One of the top two is that I have a meeting tomorrow that is sheer stupidity and I am the scapegoat and there is not a DAMN thing on this earth that I can do to control it. My good name is being sullied here and I can't personally alter it. So how to let that go? I am angry and hurting and I totally feel like no one gives a damn.
And of course - how could anyone? If you don't know about it ( because I keep it close to the vest - come on keep up!) how is this anyone else's fault? It's not. I'm not that unreasonable.
I had a kidlette, who could have been me at that age, fall completely to pieces on Monday. She just told me that she was under a lot of stress (at age 10) and started to cry. If I hadn't been stunned into silence ( yes I was!) I probably would have joined her. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence. We talked for a long time. No answers readily came through. It was just burying each little hurt and pushing it down inside till there was no more room.
Sound Familiar?
So here I am, sitting in my house in the dark. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus and I feel like crying. but I don't have that much saved up, not like my kidlette. Just a handful of things. None do I have control over.
Because I have this lack of control, all I feel is frustration. I can't decide what the answers are and I can't really talk it over with people.
I have another 5 kids to teach between now and Friday and I have to be upbeat for them. They deserve that much for the money I get paid to do this.
I am hosting a party I am not ready for and part of me is dreading it. PArt of me is excited. We'll see.
I have another party at the end of the month - dreading it. and can't wait to go.
I am exhausted. I flipped my mattress and changed my bedding to the pretty springtime bedding I bought last year. No- it didn't help.
Yeah life is messy and sometimes that's fun.
I wish it was more fun right now than it is.
Am I overthinking this?
Well one thing's for certain, I'm not underthinking it.
Sound like I am ranting - no??? forgive me.
1 comment:
Oh, dear. I'm sorry about the stuff at work - I really wish things were better there and completely understand the frustration of not being able to fix something that sucks but is beyond your control. The stress just gets to be too much for some of us sometimes. For all the ability to revel in the good, it often comes with the chore of coping with the bad. I have many days when it all seems to be too much. You're doing so well though! Continuing to be productive, changing your environment a little to see if that makes things better. Both excellent coping strategies so I know this will pass.
I let people too far in, so I'm unfamiliar with bottling things up. No advice there. :) Blogs, I think, are good places to rant and complain and release all those thoughts that have no place else to go. I really hope you wake this morning feeling happy and strong. I'll be thinking about you.
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