Predictions

You know - I love astrology. Horoscopes, psychics, Tarot cards, all that crazy stuff.

I admit to dismissing the bad and embracing the good readings when I go looking for it myself.

I do always laugh when my life seems to be goinig in a particular direction that makes no sense to me whatsoever and I go back and look at my horoscope for that period of time and BAM!!!! It's spot on.

I recently read my horoscope for this year. It was spot on at least til now. I haven't seen a psychic recently - I admit to being a little bit afraid of what they will say. I play with tarot cards all the time though. Varying results as you can imagine.

Though I admit to being skeptical, the last time I saw I psychic I gave no information whatsoever other than I wass looking for someone who passed on. Since I had had 3 deaths wiht in a few months it could have been any one of them.

The poor woman - she found all three if you can believe that. And she knew information she couldn't have known. It was a little weird. I laughed though - I am popular even on the other side - there was a crowd waiting to talk to me!!!!! She asked me if I had a brother or childhood friend named Mark or Tim - Damn woman!!!!! I had both!!!!! deceased 2months apart no less!!! I asked her to be more specific - she said OK.... I worked with one and got my job through him!!!! Well crap - that's not a story I tell a lot - but Tim did get me my job at my current employer.

But not who I was looking for - and I told her to please convey my apologies and I would check in another time.... she laughed and said he was fine with it and went to the next one. Mark, she declared, was an old boyfriend or lover of mine. We had known each other since very young. We had mutual friends in common for at least the same amount of years. And he died by something of the throat - cancer? Strangulation? Asthma? She couldn't really get that. Well shit. That about sews that one up - but no still not who I was looking for. Again I asked her to convey my apologies and was anyone else waiting???? She said OK but it would really help if you would give me something. I said no sorry!

So she comes up with an older man, an uncle or parent, musical and she saw him in a wooden room with a brick wall. It was under construction. He was lyinig on scaffolding or a platform. She couldn't be sure but he wasn't hurt. He was happy. in that place.

Huh. again. shit. Again.

That was it - that was my dad. In the room that he built. Lying on Scaffolding Varnishing the cathedral ceiling.

Still not wanting to give away the shop so to speak. I asked her for more. She told me that he was happy and he that he missed me and was prouod of me and my music.

I was sold at this point.

I walked away reviewing this entire exchange ( 15 mins by the way). While odd and exact, I still felt I was feeding her though I was really careful about what I was giving her to work with.

This was many years ago. I haven't seen one since. This one was a fluke at a party. On one level I want to contact her and pay her for a real reading.

I am so afraid of what I will hear given my current circumstances. So afraid that she will tell me that I have the love of life here, but will llose him to this awful disease. Is it better to hear that now and be able to prepare? Or not to know and work towards beating that?

I am taking choice B .... for now. Here's why.

We had the first round of chemo on Tuesday. It went well. Better than well. He came home bouncing and full of energy I haven't seen in weeks. He even went out and did a recording session for one of his songs. Today he's more tired, but the mass looks smaller and the internal bleeding has slowed.

But the doctors were pretty clear. Even if he goes into a remission and beats this, it could come back and attack his vocal chords next time. They are vulnerable. We discussed the idea of removal of the tonsils to elimate the recurrence at the same site after remission. I am all for it if the doctors give the high sign. It's not like he needs them for anything. Yes he will be down 4-6 weeks in recovery, yes it will alter his voice somewhat, but come on! You live with a vocal coach!

Mostly what I want for him is to be alive. And healthy. I want for him to be here with me. My new quote is

"When you are alone, you can make any decision you want because it only affects you. But when someone loves you, you have to take everything you do into consideration for that other person and how it will affect them"

I heard it today after I finished that conversation. It was as if my dad was looking down and saying - You are doing the right things with Jon and his illness. Just like you did with me. Be good to each other.

My response to my dad was "Don't take him yet. I'm not ready!"

I'm pretty sure he heard me.