and...he's back!

Well, the man that I love so much has resurfaced - a bit.

The energy is better today, the masses are shrinking noticeably and today he thanked me for being patient and apologized for not being up to doing anything at all recently.

I had him laughing when I said "Don't worry". He really thought I said "It's OK" so his response was a frustrated "It's NOT OK"....

He had no choice but to laugh when I said " I never said it was OK,.... I told you not to worry!"

I have to admit that I am having a harder time writing than I normally do. A lot of it has to do with the specifics of my life now. I work all the time. I mean all the time. Downtime for me is when I sleep - which is never through the night. I am always waking up for every little shift and movement. I am always conscious of his condition even if he's sleeping on the couch. Which is more and more common as his sleep patterns become more interrupted. Less from pain but more from the treatments.

The Radiation knocks his energy level down quite a bit. I knew that was a side effect going in but I think we were both unprepared for how hard that it hit him. He still has his hair, but we don't know how much longer. He thinks it will come out this week. I am not so sure on that. But either way, my response is the same, it's just hair and it will grow back. I love you whether you have hair or not!

Of course life goes on around us. The world didn't stop turning just because he has cancer. But I still get frustrated when some of my friends and I talk and they act like it's not happening - I have friends who are so consumed by their own lives that they even forget to ask me how I'm doing. Honestly that's frustrating but on the flip side of that - I completely and totally understand why I don't get those questions. It's uncomfortable. It's first on my mind - but certainly not on everyone Else's. Nor does it have to be! HA - that's MY self involvement!

My closest friends and buds aren't that shy. Regardless of comfort level - they ask. They offer. They do. I don't have to pretend that things are merrily rolling along with them. That's what makes them my buds, my friends and my pahtner ( and their spouses!).

I have a really good friend whom I love dearly. When my dad died - she didn't say a word. Not one word and I sat next to her every day. Finally after a month or so, I asked her "Is there some reason you haven't commented on my dad's passing" and she burst into tears. I was stunned. She said she felt so bad that she didn't say anything or do anything because she didn't know what to say or do. She just knew that it was horrible and she felt like a bad person. I started to laugh and pretty soon so did she. I said we were quite a pair. We knew EVERYTHING about each other - but that one thing really threw her for a loop. She couldn't rebound fast enough and subsequently felt guilty. The laughter brought us back to center and we've been fine ever since.
I now know where her demarcation is in her comfort zone.

The lesson I walked away with there is that lots of people don't handle these curve balls the way you might expect. Sometimes it comes to you in the form of disinterest and boredom. Other times, it's completely inappropriate commentary and still others come in the form of complete self involvement. Then there are the friends who call every couple of days to make sure that he's OK and I'm OK and if we need anything or share some research they've read about or just listen. I have had his friends, who barely know me at all, calling to let me know that they are thinking about us.

My priest made a very interesting point today. I am not Wonder Woman - even if I do own the costume. Wonder Woman wasn't even wonder woman - she was just Linda Carter with big boobs! I have a lot of trouble asking for help. I am not good at this at all. I happen to be fortunate that I don't always have to - I have really amazing friends who reach out FIRST. I also have a small contingency of friends that I know I can call and just vent when I can't sort it out. I just have to actually execute it and not internalize so much.

I teach a family that is amazing to me. I am fortunate to have them around. The parents have 2 biological children, 2 adopted children and 2 fosters who are soon to be adopted. The age range is 2 -16. The parents are really great people and this is a crazy insane loud household. I was talking to the mom about how things were going here. Amidst her trying to give me one of her kids to take home.... ( not ever happening) she basically told me that though it was killing me to not say what was on my mind about how things were going with us during these last few days, I did the right thing.

There is no way that I could communicate my frustration and sadness without him feeling guilty for being sick. There just wasn't. Once he apologized and started communicating about general things, I was able to do the same. For some reason, we shook it off today.

Today I bought him Arthur Treachers Fish and Chips for dinner. There is only ONE in the entire county. He ate it. He was happy. I was happier because he ate an entire meal. in one sitting. He paid for it dearly after - but he kept it down and felt happy for eating. We watched the Mets game alternating with Law and order and Steel Magnolias. He let me wait on him and fuss a bit which frustrates him and makes me feel useful. Odd isn't it?

He's not comfortable and he feels generally crappy. We are only at the tip of the iceberg right now and this could stand to get so much worse.

When you are alone you can make any choice you want, but when someone loves you, you lose that right . My choices now are made around him and how he feels and what he needs. If I can't do it myself, I will find someone who can.

That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!