Jealousy- the wasted emotion

I finally get it.

really - I do.

I get it.

Jealousy - in small doses - kind of OK. In large doses - symptomatic of trust issues.

I also know that if there is one attractive quality, it's confidence and self assurance. Honestly when I look back on how this whole thing came about - it started because I had rebuilt my life to be what I wanted, how I wanted and on my terms.

I was, in a word, successful.

please to note - "was" in this context does NOT imply that I am no longer "succesful". It just means that my success is measured differently.

moving on.

I haven't been displaying lots of that of late. I realize that. I have been accommodating, which is good. I have been caring, which is good. I have been loving which is good.

Then there are things that I do that I can't qualify as "bad" but it is not going to fall under "good" either.

For example. I am better about the whore, but not great. I can't always react the way that I want and even I read into my remarks after they are made. I can't just react and be me. Because I am afraid.

Here's the ironic part. Jon's ex wife was always accusing him of cheating on her. He never did. Once he commits to someone - that's it.

I am just afraid that the commitment isn't as, well, committed, as I want it to be.

But the reality is, there is no home safe enough, no relationship secure enough, if you aren't OK with you.

It hit me in the car on my way home tonight. Like a freight train.

I need to be me. More.

After all, "me" is the one he chose- right?

I keep saying that my life changed so fast that I couldn't keep up. Change never works well with me. But that's what is happening and I have to figure out a way to manage it, keep my household together financially, care for him when this disease kicks him in the ass and not make him feel bad that he has a past. Hell he accepts mine.

It's not that his past bothers me. I don't have a problem with his having a past. Being honest with myself, It's just this one. It's just the whore. If he can forgive ( but didn't forget - DO NOT BE FOOLED) then I Can try.

I'm not jealous of her - or any of his past. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm my own worst enemy. So - being smart - I'm changing it up.

I'm going to go back to being me and taking care of my business as much as I am taking care of his.

I can be all the things I need to be. I can work 2 jobs. I can have my own rehearsals. I can take care of him. I can handle the entire household. I can make sure that everything is moving forward. I can be the calming and patient one.

I know I can - I've done that my whole life before him... he's just added to the load but only slightly. This is completely doable and I WANT TO.

What I do for love......