Which poison is the killer?

You know, Jon is a songwriter.

He also writes lyrics and verse.

On the eve or rather the morning of his most recent chemo appointment, he wrote a poem. It was quite funny and I can't quote it until he copywrites it.... BUT

There is a point that he makes. That in order to kill the cancer poisoning his body, he has to poison his body with yet another, different poisons. An exchange of one for another.

The drug they are using is a heavy metal. Platinum, I believe, is a factor in it.

As I have repeated this week, this last round took him down hard. I worry a good deal because I am so afraid that if he's this weak now, if we can't build him up, the next round is really going to take him down to nothing. We have a slight routine starting now where he does a protein drink in the morning and a vegetable drink in the evenings. That way he's getting roughage as well as protein and of course, fat. I am putting out his vitamins each day as well to make sure that his immune system stays as strong as possible.

Today, I had things to do for myself and I was proud that I didn't get antsy or worried until I had been out about 3 hours. Considering I was 30 minutes away from the house, this made me feel a little bit like a caged animal.

I did what I had to do however. I had my nails done and my pedicure. This is pretty much the only luxury I allow myself these days. I headed over to my moms shortly thereafter because my niece was in town.

Of course the brat was asleep.... you know that was coming because I couldn't spend an indefinite amount of time with her....

But I was talking with my folks when my brother and his wife arrived. 10 minutes after that, my aunt and her husband arrived. This was turning into party.... I haven't seen my aunt since my brother got married 2 years ago, so this was nice. She is also a breast cancer survivor twice over.

She had a lot of really nice things to say and very supportive.

On the drive home, I was thinking about the conversation I had Friday Night. A long time friend of mine and I were talking. I hadn't seen or spoke to her since January and so she wasn't current with what was happening in my life.

After I finished the update, she paused and asked me "Why again are you doing all this? You aren't married to him. You aren't responsible for this. "

I was actually surprised. She is the LAST person. And I mean last. To make such a statement.

I thought about it. The reasons I am doing all this.

It wasn't a long thought or process. It was simple. I do it out of love.

And it's not about the status of the relationship. This doesn't need to have rings associated with it, though that would be nice.... it isn't required. To take care of someone you love when they are sick doesn't require marriage.

Oh I see her point - and I appreciate that she looks out for me. But honestly, asked her what she would do if our roles were reversed.

She laughed. She said - nothing dramatically different.

Now THAT'S my friend.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how checkered the past was, it's in the past. No matter what mistakes we both made separately and together, they are in the past and hopefully we learned something from them.

He is in so much pain and discomfort. He is miserable and there is so little I can do for him at this point. I do what is needed and try to add extra support where I can. The only time he doesn't feel crappy is when he sleeps. I sit with him and watch things on TV I never thought I would watch and I'm even getting into it too.... which is pretty funny.

Things like baseball - which is pretty tame. I know the game on a high level and some of the finer points but I'm learning so much more. Being a former half-assed Yankees fan. I have converted to a Mets fan which should make my dad happy.

I think if I had to pick one thing that I would never have given the time of day, it would be the Ultimate fighting and boxing. I even shocked him when we were watching the second match before the big title fight one night.... One guy was taking several blows to the back of the head which is a no-no... I yelled at the TV for ref to call him on it..... I thought Jon was going to pass out from shock! I Don't think he thought I was paying attention to the rules....

He barks at me now. Considering how crappy he feels, I'm surprised it took this long. I don't let it get to me too much. But he feels bad. He apologized for being a crank tonight. The reality is that I knew he would be cranky and miserable. I didn't take it personally.

I have no idea how bad he really feels. I only know that his tolerance for discomfort is so high that if this has taken him down this far, it's really bad. He can't taste anything.

I am expecting this to be like this for another week. Then a good week. Then Round 3.

W e have a total of 5 weeks of treatment left. The tumors have gone down. That is visible. That is good.

I just want him to be cancer free. Forever.