My midlife crisis

I think I am having a midlife crisis.


Shit.


shit!

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm way to young to be doing this.... And how do women have mid life crises anyway????

"She thinks her life's been worthless and it makes her so sad" is a line in one of Jon's songs and though it was written about someone else long ago, it applies to me now.

I have looked at my life lately and am feeling that it has been without worth. worthless in effect.



Yes I realize that nothing is all black or all white. Nothing is. But my overall sense of things is just that- worthless. without a point. And how did this happen?

I'm trying to sort out the exact moment when life turned and went in this direction?

This week was hard.

We started with Chemo. it was tough, but he rallied well until the weekend.

Then I started back to teaching and decided against grieving some kids competition scores. I wrestled with it for awhile. I feel like I am taking the easy way out and perhaps not doing the right thing by these kids, BUT, the fact remains that in grieving something subjective, they will stand by the adjudicator which is as it should be even if I disagree with the adjudicator. It did mean the difference in a score level for 2 and one kid who got a perfect score was coached by the same adjudicator so she could get that score, but I don't see me getting anywhere with it. And the fact remains that other than one small thing, this person was spot on in her remarks - both good and bad.

That made me feel a little bit like a sell out. Even if I am doing the right thing.

Then Thursday Jon spent the day at the state aid office filing for medicaid and other state aid programs. Before I realized it, I had disclosed every dime I make, how much my home costs, my car, savings, 401K, retirement, trust fund etc, salary etc. including my SSN.


Now I don't know about you folks, but I don't disclose that kind of information to anyone but the person I intend to marry. And that's not something that's on the table at this time or perhaps ever.


I was uncomfortable - not because I don't trust him, but because it's on file with the state now and I don't know what could mean in the future. So on my way home from my dress rehearsal - I called the board president of our singing group as his day gig is that he is an attorney. I ran all my problems with this disclosure past him and he told me that the questions are valid but that legally since there is no marriage and our state has no common law ( not that we'd be eligible at this point anyway) I have no responsibility other than what I CHOOSE to do in terms of financial support.


Please don't misunderstand me, this is not a reflection of the relationship - I just was very tense about being on the radar for any reason. Every dime I make is reported to the IRS and there is nothing that I owe - it's just a general feeling that wow - this is really private stuff... I don't know how happy I am at disclosing this - at the point in our relationship Of course if we were married he wouldn't be eligible at all.


Meanwhile prior to that rehearsal, amidst a horrible day at work, it occurred to me that I carrying 100% of the household expenses in addition to the personal expenses for BOTH OF US. I am also doing 90% of the chores. I am organizing the "stuff" that made it's way into the house.

Today was a busy day for us. On the calendar for a number of weeks now, we have had a First Holy communion for the son of our best friends. My concert was tonight with me doing the Soprano Solo's for the Haydn Missa Nicolai.

During the week he announced he was going to to a reading of a play in the city.

Now - I won't tell you that I was pissed or angry - not in the least. On the contrary I was concerned that he was over programming himself and would suffer for it.

Truer words were never spoken.

Guess who else got suffer along with him?

Yes - me.

I don't know how to say this without seeming like a supreme Queen Bitch. So please take this with the spirit that is intended.

I feel like I am being taken for granted. That everyone and everything comes ahead of me. He over programmed his day and managed to get the communion in and the play - but who got cut? me.

This is not even the first time it happened. It's becoming more and more common of late.

Oh he's not cutting me in lieu of other things. He is sick. He has cancer. When I got the call that he wasn't coming because the queasy feeling finally manifested into full out nausea and he was throwing up for the first time, I broke out in tears. Again. As I was leaving to go to the concert in the first place, he got angry and yelled at me out of frustration for not feeling well enough that he couldn't go. I got nothing from that. No hug, no kiss, no reassurance, no "break a leg". Nothing - just anger. It's not directed at me, but it is. It's directed at himself and taken out on me. I cry because I hurt for him and because of him.

He's not out having a party. He's making some interesting choices. By interesting I mean "not thought out"

I am not unhappy with the overall just this part and I know that we have to talk about it BUT that conversation won't go well. I don't want to aggravate the disease either which this kind of stress will aggravate. But I've gotten so frustrated that all I can do is cry. and cry and cry and cry. Lots of tears over this situation and the news that he may have a recurrence in the vocal chords and his career will end altogether. Tears over the fact that I am not only not second but these days I am not sure I make the list at all of people and situations that are important. Tears over the old joke "what do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless" Because in this case it's true.


I cry out sadness and frustration and through it all I love him. I do. I can't help it. I know that he does not do this intentionally. The fact is he has not figure out where the breakpoint to being tired and feeling like crap is and he over programs his days - or severely under programs. The fact is he has blown others off when he feels crappy and has stayed home here with me.

I don't know if this qualifies as a midlife crisis or if this is just A crisis.


So this morning I sit here and type. I am trying to regain some perspective. Yet I still have this underlying feeling that my life has been worthless and yes it does make me so sad. He is still not well this morning, but he slept last night. I came home and he was out cold on the couch and I left him there.

I know he doesn't do this on purpose. I know he doesn't do it only to me, but I live here too so I get that extra dose of being taken for granted.

I end where I began - I sit here and consider the time I have lived and search for the moment that my life became worthless and lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself until I come up with a solution that works.