Dear Contessa,
Thanks for your email and don't worry that it wasn't short. I could sense just by writing you were working things out. This, my dear friend, is a good thing to do. I encourage you to continue to write, to put on paper (or at least on screen) what you are thinking. Perhaps that is the best remedy there can be.
I'm saddened to hear of the difficult time you are going through and the sense that you and Jon are growing apart. Please know, though, that from my experience, when an individual in a relationship goes through a very difficult time, what you are feeling and going through is a normal part of the illness. Although no one can go through the illness other than Jon, it affects so many others - including you. I have been concerned and continue to be concerned that this illness is affecting you much more than you care to even share. It is vital for your own sanity and grace that you maintain a sense of normalcy in the midst of craziness.
Contessa, I do encourage you to, when the time is right, to share with Jon your feelings. If he cannot speak, perhaps he can write to you. Share for your sake, share for his sake, share for both of your sakes. I know it might be difficult, but anything said out of love is a true gift.Please continue to know I have both of you in my prayers.
In Christ, The Very Rev
I received this email this morning after I broke down last night and wrote out the long litany of what's been in my head and heart for the last couple of weeks. Then I did the craziest thing of all - I just hit send without proofing, re-reading or anything.
That The very rev took the time to read it between services AND responded touched me greatly. It meant a lot and I feel so much better that I have said it out loud.
It also helped me to do a better job at home. This is going to sound stupid, but I have managed to keep up with the housework this week.
His diet has dramatically changed again. We are back to liquids. Not because of the dental work he had done but because the food gets caught in his throat. He hacks and cough and sounds stangely like one of the cats when they are horking up a hairball. But his causes him tremedous pain as well.
My eczema is running hot and cold and its attacking my scalp mostly. I have to relax more.
I also notice that my sleep patterns are really off and I have no ability to hear in my sleep. I used to. But not it takes me longer to come out of sleep and I can be mentally awake nad not be able to hear for 10 -15 seconds. Then it's as if someone adjusted the volume control on my head and I hear everything loud and clear. I also don't sleep a lot of hours at night and am afraid to take anything for fear that I will not hear him if he starts coughing and heaven forbid choking.
I did work out this morning and ate fairly intelligently. We watched Knocked up tonight which is really funny.
I have noticed that in the past few days he's spending some better and more quality time with me. I don't know why and I don't care.
I'm just glad that we are at least attempting to re-connect.
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