Pot Pourie

Part Un

I was unable to post for a couple of days out of fear.

Fear that my laptop was about to crash.

I came home and turned it on, and it kept re-booting.

I finally gave up, shut it down and called the help desk to open a ticket.

Then it suddenly flashed on and said "Memory size modified" and lo an behold my laptop sprung to life.

Still worried about the data, I shut it down till This morning when I could speak to a technician.

I am 15 days away from warranty expiration which ironically is bad. If it had expired, I would have a brand new laptop. But alas, It it so I am getting a refurbished system board, ac adapted and battery. Woo f'n hoo.

I worked through the day on a laptop that was so slow you could hand write what I was doing faster. I was unable to open too many programs or it would crash.

Part Deux

It was while trying to work on my slower than molasses laptop, that I was asked to join a quick conf bridge with my PM on my project.

*** Please note that I have been on vacation for the past week ***

I join and we go through the same old litany of "how many orders... what is a Satellite.... are we done putting new orders in..... " Really after 6 months you'd think they could come up with some questions.

The next thing I know, we have directors joining the call. Evidently the customer esc to our VP. I'm not really one to point fingers but the majority of the issues we have been trying to overcome are the customers. We are literally killing ourselves and all I heard was my director telling me that I didn't push hard enough.

Now. I was - am, very disturbbed by that statement. They want me to be empowered to get the job done, but then they take my escalation chain away. My boss has known of these issues for months and I am being blamed for not calling someone I didn't even know was associated with this project?

Not crazy about this one. But given that the director and I are friendly I may choose to have a side conversation with him on this.

Part Trois

Or I may start looking for a new gig. I am seriously tired. Drained and tired. I suspect some burnout. I'm going to wait it out a bit and see if I bounce back. This may have just been a bad day.

Part Quatre

The two days with no laptop were peaceful. More so than I had expected. Very relaxing.

Part Cinq

I suspect the burnout is two fold - part from personal issues and part from work related issues. It feels like there is no safe haven for me right now. I was able to use work to get away from personal and personal to get away from work, but now I don't want EITHER an I want BOTH.

So it's a little bit frustrating.

Part Six

I hit 20 lbs officially this morning. I was thrilled. Considering I spent yesterday sleeping and on the couch reading my HP book.

Part Sept

My houuse is a flipping disaster. I have to pick it up, do laundry, run the dishwasher - all those things.

Part Huit

My personal definition of depression:

1. When my house is let go within an inch of its life
2. I eat way too much or way too little
3. I don't feel like going out
4. I work way too much
5. I cancel appts or meetings with friends
6. I stop caring about my bills

Good news here is I am really only dealing with 1 and the potential for 4 exists but I am fighting it. So no, not depressed and my counseling sessions are also in accordance with that. But it was brief concern for me.

What they have shown however is that I am in a situation that can be very frustrating as well as being fulfilling. I am also in circumstances that require a lot of personal strength, something I am not very good at. I am the woman who will re-create herself for a man. To be the perfect person for the relationship I am in. And I have done that, albeit unsuccesfully, once with the same person. But now, no. In the immortal words of Popeye:

I yam who I yam

And it's paying off. Better than I thought.

So Finit.

Je suis Fatigue.

I am going to sleep now.