Aunts and Santa

"I'm an Auntie!" I cried to no one in particular.

I was in the car at the time and had just hung up with my step-father who announced that he was a grandpa again.

Only this time it will be different.

This kid will see us and know us and call us "Aunt" or "Grandma" or "Nana" or whatever it is they choose.

My youngest brother is the nicest sweetest boy in the world. Well, Man I guess now. Hard to imagine him old enough to have kids, but the boy is a dad now. He has a beautiful little girl named Anna Guilianna. After both grandmothers.

I love her already and am so thrilled that my sister-in-law didn't have a C-section but delivered naturally and both mama and baby are doing well!

So I am an Auntie and I cried tears of happiness and joy on my way home. Her birthday is today. Happy Birthday Anna!

On Santa.

I had to call Santa today to put someone on the Naughty list. For poor listening skills and temper tantrums.

She wasn't listening to her mother at all. Or me - or anyone for that matter. She wanted to sing a Christmas song for me, but was not allowed because she was told several times not to touch somethings in the house and she continued to touch them. That generated a full out tantrum on the floor with crying, screaming, kicking and both her mom and I ignoring. Until she took it too far. Her mom suggested I call Santa, so I picked up the phone and called my answering machine and left a full blown, one-sided conversation with First Mrs Claus and second Santa himself.

In the middle of this, she sat up looked at me and said she was crying because she missed her boyfriend ( she's 4 - has a more active love life than I do.) which was hilarious as his name hasn't been mentioned in 2 weeks easily. Then she ran out of the room and yelled that now she was mad at ME. ha - like I care. It's going to be short lived any way.

so I wrap the conversation with my answering machine. She's in the other room now, quiet. Her mom looks at me and says "Your good!".

"My mom didn't call me Sarah Heartburn for nothing!" I said.

The munchkin makes her way back into the room and we play with her Carebear for a few minutes. Then She is told to turn down her bed. She starts in with getting fresh again. So we pretended that the Carebear went home with me ( it's in a kitchen cabinet incidentally).

She did let me put her to bed and asked me to read her a story so the sweet little girl I know did finally come around.

But I will tell you - her mom has a halo and wings and an express ticket to heaven because this is a more common experience than I knew. Her kids are wonderful though and the history proves that they grow out of this.

she still deserves that express ticket and to be thin, young,. beautiful and eat whatever she wants forever as far as I am concerned!

My machine cracked me up to no end when I got home though. I almost wish I could save it.

Make the Yuletide gay

I had a party this evening at Jenna's house.

I have been looking forward to this night for a month.

Yesterday at 4:29 I realized that I had not reserved my normal grocery delivery time and in a blind panic went online and reserved the very next window available which was 3:30 - 7.

This is bad. Normally I am 11:30-3, and that error screwed up my time mgmt for the entire day.

On top of which my entire team left at 2 and no one freaking told me.

So I look at the web site and they have updated my window for grocery delivery to 3:48-5:48.
Now Murphy's law has clearly shown us that there is no way in blue hell my groceries will be here at 3:48 right? Correct. they arrived at 5:15.

To counteract this, I showered early and got my hot rollers heating up. I laid my out fit out and made sure that all the things that needed to go with me were packed up.

Then I set about to baking and putting away groceries at the same time. No easy feat as the cupcakes I was baking were baking faster than the 20 minutes prescribed and the next batch SLOWER. Make me nuts. I finally get them out and they are supposed to be red velvet cake but sadly they look like a darker pepto bismol color. The easter bunny has the wrong season.

So while they cool I put most of the groceries away - the perishables. Then I set about to making the frosting. this looked like St Patrick's day in the wrong season again. I KNEW I should have tested these first!

Lots of compliments but now I am so rushed and tired that I am not going to enjoy myself. NO. THat's not the attitude!!!! YOu have been wanting this for over a month!

So I smiled to myself - set my hair in rollers and set about making the icing. I finished up in wondeful time, I was tired, but pressed on.

I got to Jenna's and spent a wonderful few moments with Judy he daughter. She was ready for bed, but "Santa" ( Chris ) was coming to the party. We were trying to keep her up for that. She was wearing her snowflake hat and Pj's and looked like such a cute Munchkin. She showed me her newly pierced ears ( she's 3 and a half) and then I made the mistake of picking her up. She went to sleep in my arms. So cute though.

Pam took her from me and put her in her bed. Then we started putting some of the food out. People were starting to arrive. It was a great party and a good night overall.

I drove home and dwhen I walked in I realized my first mistake. I didn't put away all the food.
I left two bags of Marshmallows out and one was on the floor, opened and a stray marshmallow under the dining room table. CATS!!! and I know who the mastermind on this one was too!

Wolfi.

I am NOT a morning person

But today I am.

in fact - this is the second time this week.

I woke up at 7AM ( unheard of unless I have to go to my offices) and heard the school buses picking up children for their last day of school before the Holiday break and the garbage trucks doing their job.

And a funny memory came to me.

My younger brother used to wake up early as a little kid and rush to the living room in our parents home the minute he heard them start up our street. He would kneel on the couch and look out the drapes surrounding the picture window eagerly.

No Not for Santa.

For the Garbage Men.

He wanted to be one when he was that age. ( 3 or 4 at the oldest).

I woke up with that memory and woke up literally laughing and smiling. What a hoot.

Then I wrote a note to a friend of the family in Paris France. I wrote as much of it in French as I Could on the little bit of caffeine I had in me.

Then he called me back!!!! I wasn't expecting that - I figured a note in french that I could sit with my dictionary and translate - but no I got a phone call!!!! It was so wonderful to hear from him. I can't believe he has sons old enough to WORK. Wow. What a wonderful surprise this morning!

I was able to get some things done this morning in the peace and quiet. I started my laundry , Maria is here now cleaning the house for me. I had my pumpkin spice coffee ( a gift from a kidlette) as my breakfast.

all this was before 9AM. Something unheard of at this time of year for me.

Today is my last day of work until 2007. I am looking forward to visiting with friends and spending time with my family and just being lazy in my own home, napping and having a PJ day.

I wrapped some gifts this morning also. I still have to fold and put away the laundry that just finished.

I have a party tonight and I still have to bake for it. This has turned out to be a great day!

Reflections

"I love my life" I thought.

I don't want for much. In truth I have everything I NEED.

I have done a lot of reflecting and a lot of growth ( not literally thank god) this year.

I had to laugh when I think about the fact that Bernie's World Podcast did a segment on "When did I get so old". I think that all the time to be honest.

I miss the portion of my life when my friends were getting married and having kids, and although some still are, the vast majority of us are dealing with deaths and divorce.

So it is with some sadness that I reflect on some of the losses I've had this year and with happiness that I think about the new additions to my family, we have a new niece just turned 1, we have a new niece/nephew just about to be born, I have new sister-in-law whom I love as if I had known her my whole life ( or hers as she's younger :-) ). So though we had some tough times we had some good ones to counteract it.

I think the best change in me is that I am now being responsible to me. I am truly taking care of me and doing what's best for me. I have learned a lot about myself and that I truly put myself last most of the time. It used to be easier for me to do things that will keep others happy even if it doesn't make me personally happy. It was easier to do the things that would keep me out of hot water with others but at great personal risk.

Not Anymore, As most of you have seen through reading this blog, I have come a long way. The weight is coming off me literally and figuratively. I am doing my job more efficiently while not making the job my entire life. I am resting when I am sick instead of acting like a hero that the world will stop rotating on it's axis. I am performing more and working hard at my music and my teaching. I am nurturing the relationships with my family more and appreciating the gifts that they bring to my life more. I am nurturing and protecting the relationships with my old friends while allowing and welcoming new ones.

I have cut a lot "toxic" things from my life or modified the relationships that were becoming that way to be less so.

If you look at this carefully as I just did, it looks like I have been doing so MAJOR work with the help of a licensed professional doesn't it? I laugh because while I did get some assistance from my priest on some of the tougher things that I was having trouble sorting out, by and large, I did most of the heavy lifting myself and you know what?

I'm DAMN PROUD OF ME.

But most of all - I am happy. Truly to the core happy.

Some major highlights of happiness:

My best friend of 35 years and I are talking a lot more frequently and I love that it's like no time has passed. Some is fun, ( Her son singing to me on the phone) some is serious ( life crises) but all of it is good to me because we are as close now as we ever were.

My sister-in-law is giving birth to a niece or nephew

Christmas day at my brother's house with his new bride and both families!

Christmas eve church where I will see friends I haven't seen or talked to in 4 years.

Christmas party Tomorrow night at Jenna's ( I can't wait to give my secret santa gift! )!

Saturday singing Holiday songs for my Weight watchers group.

Sneaking into one of my kidlette's masses to hear her sing when she doesn't know I'm coming.

Possibly seeing jax???

Loeving and missing Maple Mama and Bernie and Jax.

Not being able to wait to see the expressions on faces when they open their gifts

Baking my goodies to take with me to friends and Family

My end of Holiday drink with my friends on Christmas Night at Jenna's. ( I'm bringing my little buddies a tv this year - shhhhhhhhh)

My weight loss successes.

All my faithful readers and new friends!

All in all it's been a good year for me.

Moon River, wider than a mile

Yesterday I performed at the Andy Williams Christmas show here in NY.

It was a crazy day. We had to be there at 3:45. We got the rundown of the day from Devon the musical director.

First off, he's not a tall man. But a really nice nice professional guy. He expained that the concert hall was a union shop and union contract dictates that the stage be dark from 5-6PM. The food was for the union workers and not for the contingent workers ( us), unfortunately. Our dressing room was in the hallway with the comedienne and his back up kids.

We were performing in the round. Always interesting. THe stage is not that big so we were singing literally up the aisles. Sort of like a compass - N,S,E and W.

at 4:45PM, while the President and I are running around looking for the director to change the way we are singing ( we needed strength of section not strength in quartettes, Devon calls us for sound check.

We round up the troops find our places and quickly sound check with "words" ( Beethovens 9th) and "Do you hear what I hear". They are impressed ( or so they said).

Now we clock down to 9PM when we go on. We all talked and caught up, ate the food that we brought with us and shared the chips and protein bars that were provided in a box a long with a fruit basket.

It's time to go on, we line up and my lovely choir suddenly becomes a crew of chiefs and no Indians! My section almost got smacked upside the mouth. All of them! The time to be chief isn't seconds before performance time!!!!!!!!!!!

We aren't clear on are cues as there were no instructions to that end so we just watched to see what our director did.

We get in place and start counting down till it's out turn to sing. Since we have never actually rehearsed this, we are not entirely comfortable with the entrances. But Devon to the rescue. He may be stature challenged like I am BUT he is in white ( easy to see) and he held up is arms pointed at us and yelled go - we didn't hear him say it but we saw it and we were right in.

When the song was over Andy congratulated us by name and welcomed us and the audience to the show. Then they immediately started into a song that was not next in teh line up - uh oh. I had to laugh. There is only one piece that Hark the Herald is in and it was one we sing. The so - called professional in our group, otherwise known as the Diva, couldn't roll with the punches at all and didn't sing easily 50% of the performance. I figured it out and realized that the three kids who do vocal lbackup for him on the road had the same part we did - so I just followed them and the music while watching 2 directors one out of each eye. Literally - this is not a joke, this actually happened.

It made me realize that I work on the fly in this kind of environment really well. I forgot how well I can roll with the punches in performance and I don't embarass that easily.

We come to the end with O Holy Night and then Andy closes with his favorite and most favorite Christmas Carol of all....

"Moon River, Wider than a mile....."

It was an experience that I would do again in a minute, though there were times I swore I would die in that hallway backstage with the stale air.

A day off

I took today off at the last possible second.

The fact is I was supposed to have been able to take off last Friday and Monday but with family situations at hand I was unable to. So last night at 7PM I called my boss and told him that I was taking the day and my cover was taking Monday.

Seriously I needed a day to get organized. Of course I wasted some time. I wouldn't be me if I didn't do that.

But I got my Christmas decorating done except for the tree which I will do tomorrow night with my Hot Cocoa in hand.

I taught a lesson today. It was a real challenge. My Friday kids ( a brother and sister) are two of my long standing kids and quite possibly my favorites.

I swear my parents are getting their money's worth for the Child Psychology classes I had to take to graduate. Seriously.

The sister of this crew I have talked about before. Very Bright, very driven, all honors classes and busts herself to get all A's. and succeeds. But not without a price.

Time is her enemy. She tries hard but like me, wastes time on silly things. We have tried to work out time mgmt techniques, but she's stubborn and doesn't want to change. That's OK. It's not my job to fix ALL of her issues. Technically it's my job to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to for ME. Being a "fixer", I had hit my head against a wall for two years.

Today I stopped.

And not with the negative connotations that implies either. Honestly, not to pat myself on the back, but I think I did the best job with her that I have ever done in my life.

I asked her what made her happy. What is she doing that makes her happy. I told her to tell me the first thing that comes to mind and it can literally be anything.

She was quiet for a long time.

Then she told me she really doesn't like school. But since it's required she needs to be as good as she can be at it.

OK, I can respect that answer out of a 13 year old. She's been at it long enough to know that she really doesn't like it, but she does want to do her best at it. And she does.

So we talk about it for a few minutes. Then she mentions that her friends make her happy. Normal 13 year old response. That made me feel better about her.

The I asked her about Music. Independent of school. If there were no obstacles, does she enjoy the piano and practicing.

I held my breath on the answer because we are on the final straw here......

"I love music" she says.

"So yes, if I had it to do my way, I would do that". she says as a tear slides down her face.

"OK, that makes me very happy. So lets find a way to keep you happy." I say

" I have 3-5 hours of homework every night" she says. "I just can't fit it in".

(The tears are still flowing)

" Your homework for me is 30 minutes. School works is 3-5 hours". I say

She laughs. ( still crying)

"Why don't you come home from school, put your book bag away - DO NOT SIT DOWN - get a drink and go down and practice immediately. At least 15 minutes - the whole 30 if you can swing it. then you are done. For the entire day. "

She looks at me in wonder.

"That might actually work" she says.

As I am hugging her, I whisper in her ear....

" You are so good, so talented and such a bright young lady. You are so capable. You can DO this. I know you can. We are going to do this together. Don't give up on me. "

She hugs me back and whispers "I won't - I promise!"

I truly felt that I made a difference with her today.

Then we ended up on the floor under the ping pong table coaxing her brother out who was crying.

I need combat pay.

The Karma thing again

Do good things for the world and the world will do good things for you.

Or something like that.

My good deeds are mostly about myself lately but I think it's long overdue.

You see, this season has been magical and special in many many good ways. More so than other years. I am far more lighthearted and positive than ever before and I am truly enjoying this holiday season so much more than I have since I was a child actually.

You see, I made the peace with an old friend. We are far from OK, but we are both on the same road and willing to see where it goes and I think that's just magicall after four years. Before that my brother and I came around a turn and we are much closer than before. That makes me practically gleeful to be honest. Then there are my parents - pretty good before but we have notched it up to almost overdrive now and we are really enjoying one another in ways I don't remember. Even during the funeral lunch, my step-dad's cousins and my mom and I were howling with laughter and talking and catching up and having just the best time.

So today, mumbling and grumbling because I had to go to my office in the city and I seriously don't do that because A. I hate the commute and B. I am not a morning person. I had to be up at 6:30 to be there by 9.

So I am in the office and annoyed. Poodle and I decided to go get a Starbucks coffee. That cheered me a little but still annoyed. I open my boss's agenda for our staff meeting to see the following statement:

"The Process is not our friend"

I almost died laughing. I am project manager. The process is the whole basis of my job. I told Poodle that when we got to that point in the meeting that I was not planning to comment and if I did start to comment, to please kick me so that I stop.

So we get to part of the meeting and he and his boss start discussing how we should all have Project Mgmt training. Stop it already. I am one step from PMP certified.

Moving right along and I am still annoyed, we wrap the meeting up and our boss hands out gifts ( Did I mention the HUGE box of Italian cookies he brouught too??? NO???? he did, we ate, they were good.). I open mine and it is a leather Coach CD case. It's really quite lovely. I am really quite stunned. I never really believed he appreciated us to be honest.

So Poodle and I start to go out to lunch and we invite Tommy. He never socializes and so he decides to come along. We go to our favorite restaurant, Figs.

This is where the story gets funny. But the Karma thing is still working for me..... read on.

We walk to the restaurant. We sit down, we order our drinks and discuss some of the funnier crazy things our boss does ( you probably wouldn't believe them unless you worked here seriously). The drinks come and Tommy is putting his straw in.

"Hey Tommy, what's that on your glass?" asks Poodle
"I don't know.... uh oh" says Tommy
"What? What is it" I say

Tommy gestures to the waitress, points to his glass. Her eyes bulge, she takes the glass and walks away.

"Tommy what happened" I ask
"A cockroach" he whispers

I start laughing. Internally my stomach is flipping in a squishy yucky way. But I think to myself, we eat here all the time, the place is ridiculously clean, This is Manhattan and they are doing construction right above the restaurant.

"They'll probably comp the lunch" I jokingly say

20 minutes elapses and we are starting wonder if they went out to buy new soda when they waitress and a tall woman appear.

"Your lunch is on us, we are so very sorry. The exterminator has been called to come immediately" We apprecaite you handling this so nicely. Anything you want or need at all, please let us know."

I got my free lunch and it was wonderful. We eat there a lot so I know this is a quality place. I believe that random little bug was a transplant from above and truthfully I am really glad I idn't actually see it as I have a morbid disgust for all bugs.

We tipped the waitress really well. ( Another shot for Karma!)

The moral of the story is

The cockroach can get you a free lunch. It doesn't mean the restuarant is infested ( we literally eat there all the time and they are rated very highly in NYC).

It was a well played out version of Victor / Victoria.

A touching moment

The funeral was today.

It started in the other county ( the one I don't live in anymore). My family and I met at the funeral home. We said our private final goodbye's and went to our cars.

As we were leaving the limo driver stopped those of us driving ourselves and told us to be sure we were following the hearse with the limo behind it. Both funerals at the funeral home were going to the same cemetary. Ironic because the cemetary was at the absolute furthest point before the forks on Long Island.

So We all queu up. First car was the limo, then Aunt Carol ( my step dad's first wife) with my sister and husband. then my youngest brother with his very pregnant wife due in three weeks, then me.

At the last second my older brother come BARRELLING into the funeral home with his tribe in tow.

We all set off, flashers going. This is the longest part of the day. A full hours trip to the church and cemetary each direction.

The service was lovely. I thought it was very interesting actually. Being that my step dad's mom was 101, the only people there were my siblings, myself, my parents, Aunt Carol, UB's 2 cousins and their spouses. my nieces and nephews and one couple we are good friends with. All in total we were a crowd of 22. All but 4 were family.

The priest made an interesting comment. That a small crowd at the funeral of someone whose 101 is actually a happy thing. It means less people to mourn and more people to greet on the other side. I liked that. I thought, Wow that's a really neat thought. Even if it's not true - and I believe that it is - it's peaceful to think about.

So we leave the church, we head to cemetary. St Isadore's has their own cemetary. It's not close. Or not as close as you might think.

It's tiny too. And it's in the Sticks. I mean seriously the sticks. We are talking fields, ,farmland a cow in the next pasture watching us as we said our goodbyes. An Agway!!!! I didn't even know we had a NEED for an Agway here. There were NO street signs, no Street Lights. Thank goodness it was broad daylight or I would STILL be tooling around out there.

We say our final prayers and our our final goodbyes. We return to our cars to go to lunch at my parent's favorite restaurant. I was sitting alone in my car waiting for everyone to get ready to go. My oldest nephew is 13. He's usually a bit of a wise guy. I mean. this is a kid who tried to seel his brother on ebay a few years back.

So he was walking to his parent's car, which was behind mine, and he stopped and walked back to the backside of the gravesite which was next to my car ( this was a SMALL cemetary - the size of a plot of land for a home). I saw him stop and look at the coffin, put his hand on the coffin for just a moment. Bowed his head and said a quick prayer. He looked up, looked me right in the eye, smiled, winked and walked back to the car. It was so touching. He was probably only one of two of the children in his family old enough to have a relationship with his great grandmother that he will remember forever. I had my great grandmother until I was 30 years old. These are precious memories. And though My older brother is tough person to get along with, his children had that relationship with their great grandmother which is truelly priceless.

It was a moment to be remembered for life. It was the kind of thing that made me wish I could preserve it on film - immortalize it in some way. This description and my memory are the only records of it now.

Anna is at peace now. She is with Ed.

Building Good Karma

I'm not entirely sure that I believe in Karma, but I don't NOT believe.

Today was a busy day but a wonderful one.

I did my usual morning routine ( Voice lesson, weight watcher meeting ) then I went home and rested.

I had a party to attend at my parents house. They have a lot of friends from the company my step-dad worked for in my youth and the "gang" was coming over as some were in from out of town. It was so wonderful to see them all. Helen, Joe, Jennie, Hank, Terry, Jack, Debbie, Reg, Renata and some others. They are such wonderful folks and it was such a rare blessing and treat to be able to spend some time with them today before my concert.

As I was dressing for my parents house and prepping my "uniform" for my concert later that evening, I was reviewing some friendships that I have had in my life. One keeps coming under review over the past 4 years. Every time I put it away, it comes back.

This is one my dearest friends, Elle. We were as close as the sisters we never had. At times I think we used to be too close and it caused a lot of tension and stress. We weren't good in bad situations and it brought the absolute worst in us out. I think that when we decided to not continue the friendship though, it actually went peacefully. We have seen each other since then a handful of times and things have been good between us. But something was wrong.

Today I decided that in my latest review one of the thins holding me back was someone else's opinion. And I put that opinion aside since that person no longer gets to the call the shots in my life. and I picked up the phone ( or the headset as I was in the car) and called Elle. I had been missing their daughter Betty for some time and the family as a whole. I am so unbelievably glad that I did this. We had a wonderful talk. Like no time had passed. They are coming to my church ( Our church actually) for Christmas eve which makes me even more thrilled. We talked for the entire 30 minute trip tp my mom's house. At the end as I was pulling into my mom's drive way I was talking to Betty.

"I love you - I miss you - will I see you for Christmas?"

"You sure will - at church on Christmas eve. Where I met you for the first time when you are 4. I love you too and can't wait to see you for Christmas" I said.

Then we hung up. I sat in the car for a minute - knowing that I am about to walk into an emotional but happy scene. I started to disolve in tears. I really had missed them.

And they had missed me too.

Relax and ride the wave

Tonight was the dress rehearsal for my concert. I felt that my solo sounded pretty good all things considering.

It was colored only by one thing. A death. My step - dad, who has been my step dad since I was 9 years old, lost his mom this morning at the age of 102. She was released to Hospice or comfort care last night and died this morning.

At that age, the loss, though important, is so much expected each day that we are more and more surprised when she is still breathing. Unfortunately at this age the last 6-8 months the dementia has been getting worse and worse.

I'm sad for UB ( my step dad) and my siblings who have lost a grandmother, my niece and nephews who have lost a great grandmother. I did not know her well. Or as well as I should have.

Some of her more entertaining moments of late through her dementia I could boil down to one. My mom, who has been taking care of her, was putting her to sleep when she patted my mom's hand and said "You're a nice woman, I'd like to introduce you to my son". My mom said something affirmative, walked into the living room an announced to UB, "Your mom approves of me, she wants to introduce us". Mind you they are in their 25th year of marriage.

We are wrapping this up fairly quickly, the wake is Sunday night, the funeral mass is Monday Morning with burial to follow.

My concert is tomorrow night and my parents are having a pre-planned gathering with some friends that we haven't seen in 10 + years tomorrow. I have a rehearsal for Andy Williams' concert on Sunday night. So I am now into conflicts. Do I attend the wake as I am tempted to do as my daughterly responsibility and miss my one chance to sing at Andy Williams Christmas show - it's an honestly tempting idea. I'll discuss it with the director tomorrow and see what his feeling is and then discuss it with my mom when I have all the info and then make a better decision.

Through all of this, I was driving home from my rehearsal and I passed the tree at EAB Plaza ( owned by Citigroup). I have a spectacular view of this tree from my conference center at my office. I usually ( If I actually show up there) go and sit in that room around 5 for 10 minutes and watch the sunset over the tree. It's beautiful.

Anyway. Passing the tree. I was listening to Star 99.9 on the radio as they have Christmas music on. I wasn't supposed to by singing at this stage of the game. I heard the most wonderful story on the Delilah show ( no idea if that's a person but whatever). A woman called in who had been through many doctors, fertility clinics, only to be told she had an inhospitable environment for pregnancy and her husband had low motility. They had, after 13 years of marriage and trying to have children, decided to adopt. They went to the local Children's home to find information. They were just starting to fill out the paperwork and start the research when her cousin called. She was giving birth any day and decided she really wasn't prepared or ready to become a mother. Knowing the familial situation of her cousin, she wanted them to adopt the baby immediately. The baby was born and handed to her new parents on Thanksgiving day.

It wasn't Christmas but if that didn't stop to make me realize a Christmas or any other time miracle I don't know what is. they named her Abigail and her middle name is the Hebrew word for miracle ( no I don't know it). What a fantastic story.

As I was driving home, I found myself smiling. Enjoying that moment, the holiday season and all the good things and feelings that brings. No I don't personally want children as a priority for me, but it's a touching miracle any way you look it. The DJ then ( maybe that's who Delilah is???) decided to play "What child is this".

I decided right then and there that this holiday season I was going to relax and enjoy it rather than run around like a nut.

I'm riding the wave....

And that, children, concludes our Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was this young woman that I once knew.

She was a fundamentally good warm hearted person. Very bright. very talented a hard worker.

In her youth, she went to bed with a married man. At the time she knew he was married, but she was convinced, as many young girls are, that they were in love and that he would leave his wife for her.

Well they went to bed exactly one time. And talked A LOT on the phone about doing it again. And two things happened. The first thing, she realized that she wasn't in love with him. She also realized that though they had a fantastic time and it was a really important space of time for her, she didn't want to repeat it. Over the years, he continued to call and she continued to avoid, argue, cry and tell him to stop. This continued for 7 long years.

In my consultation with her, it occurred to me a couple of things. You've heard them from me before. One: You cannot control who you fall in love with. Two: You can control the actions that you take regarding that. You see, she believed she was in love and began exploring that relationship only to find out that she was not in fact in love with him. He was not in love with her either. He was nurturing a part of him that he was not getting at home.

What she realized was that she was exactly like his wife. Just like her. So all he was doing was making this young woman a sexual surrogate of sorts. This put a strain on their friendship. You see the young woman had known the man since she was a little girl. She grew up believing that he was the one for her. Only to find out that he was not. That briefly shattered her, but being a mature young woman, she picked herself up, dusted herself off and decided to put the friendship of the couple first.

Does she regret what she did? Absolutely. Would she do it again? Not on your life. It was emotionally painful and though she was able to let go, the man was not. She felt badly for him on some levels and not on others. He is married to a FABULOUS person. A person to love and admire.

In the end, choosing the friendship with his wife and family over any relationship with him served two important purposes for her. She was able to forgive herself for doing something that was morally unjust while being a better friend to his wife. It sounds crazy, but continuing the friendship with both of them and their immediate and extended families was more important. She put everything else aside and moved on. Her penance benefits everyone including herself.

She's a much happier person for it, she and the wife are very close. She speaks to the man periodically but her rules for that are one. If you can't say it in front of your wife, you cannot say it to her at all. He doesn't like it, but he abides by it.

The world is right again. The young woman has evolved into an older young woman. One is wiser to the ways of life, one who is smarter, one is more talented and more importantly one who is not feeling guilty about her past, but learning from it. About what TO do and about what NOT to do.

Life is a learning experience, not a guilt trip.

The End

If you could be a guest on any Talk show, what would it be?

My answer will surprise you.

truthfully - one of three and I"ll answer this all three ways.

Martha Stewart - Largely because I am in awe of people with that kind of talent in the home. I am not crafty and though I can cook, I don't put the same level of thought and care into my cooking or my home and table settings. I do put thought and care - it's just on a lesser level. So to be a guest on her show to be able to learn these things from the lady herself would be such an honor and would make my home life more special.

Ellen Degenerous - Because she's FUN! she's a HOOT! Everything she does is just done in plain fun and even when she's serious and does something kind - it's still fun! The Katrina things - fun and beneficial.... the 21 days of Christmas - how much more fun is THAT?

Lastly Oprah. I laugh because I rarely have the opportunity to watch her show but I do read her magazine. I have to say that as a well rounded individual, no one is better than Oprah. She combines good taste, intelligence, beauty, community service, hard work and spirituality into one perfect package. Another one I am in awe of. I would love the chance to spend time talking to her, gleaning the kind of warmth that I know she has, the intelligence ( look at the books on her list folks), the spirituality that she displays and lives in her life and most importantly she is her own true person . True to herself, she puts herself first in her life without causing harm to others. She is a true role model.

It's funny - the questions that I am reading in this book are so interesting. I am not putting all my answers in this blog. I am only putting the ones that I find challenging enough to write about in here. It's something to help me through some of the writers block that I have at times.

So what talk shows would you guys be on?

And I'm baaaaaaaaaaackkkkkkkkk

OK My voice is back.

It tires easily but I can sing. The huskiness in the middle of my range ( a smoker's sound if you will and no I don't) was restricted to two notes this morning and is now gone from those two notes. I am still dealing with congestion but less. I took a nap today. Going to bed shortly.

I had an interesting conversation that has kind of stayed with me. People get married for varied reasons. Some for love, some for a family, some for companionship, some for money, some because it is the next step in the relationship path.

My personal approach is for a life partner. So mine would be love. I would sacrifice having children for that to be honest. Kids are a nice variable for me. I can take them of leave them. I love kids but I don't necessarily feel the biological urge to reproduce.

I like my examples though. Maplemama always makes me realize the joys of motherhood. She has always been the mother figure. And we are only a year apart in age. But she has always had that quality so I am not only not surprised that she has Mini Maple but thankful that she found a life partner that she loves as much as she does and that they had Minimaple. I thank God every day for the blessings that one of my bestest friends has.

Lena too, She married her best friend. And has two stunning children. She always wanted a family and when that lady makes a decision - watch out. She's on a mission! I know her pretty well. Better than most. Not as well as some. But I think that she made a good choice here. When people who are married tell you about the high's and the low's, her low would be higher than most because the foundation is friendship. I envy that in a way because that's how my mom and step-dad got together as well.

We have Bernie who is a shining example of love and passion. He married his bride while we were still in college. They too have beautiful talented children - if you don't believe me check his blog The Digital Father

I tend to be a believer in love. A believer in true love, love at first site, love that blossoms over time. All of it. I'm not restricted to any one form either. I also think that there is something to be said for the concept of that one perfect person. All of my friends have found it at one point or another. I'm confident mine is out there too.

My other half.

I'm thinking of the song my mom used to sing jokingly "someday my prince will come".

I still believe it.

Great minds

I heard a quote once.... lets see if I get it right:

Great minds discuss idea Average minds discuss events and Small minds discuss other people.

Or something to that effect.

I was involved in a conversation that started out as great minds, went rapidly to other person floating through average into small.

It bothered me, because in extricating myself from participating in that level of conversation I was accused of "defending" the topic of conversation - another person.

It dawned on me after that phone call that this person who values privacy and would defend theirs to the death doesn't value anyone else's. Interesting.

This conversation had started with the editorialized version of a board meeting that I chose not to attend. I put my health first and stayed home and rested. The conversation drastically changed into a very different tone and the term "gossip" flew into my mind.

Now I try very hard not to participate in what I consider gossip. Gossip is generally a harmful term and I won't discuss with other people things that were entrusted to me. I won't talk about another person negatively if I can possibly help it unless I am venting to a trusted source.

Having said this I felt honor bound to point out that any discussion about another person's marriage is strictly off limits. Number 1 I don't want to know. Number 2 it isn't my business. Number 3 If I were married I wouldn't want my personal business broadcast about. I opted to terminate the call quickly because any further discussion was going to result in an argument that she would have to win. So I opted out. Timing is everything - I had a lesson to teach anyway.

It really started me thinking. People who gossip are either lonely (this is the case here) or manipulative ( also the case ). They get bored and annoyed when they aren't allowed or enabled to manipulate and/or gossip. I am bound and determined now to shut that down too. It's going to cause some friction but it is what it is. I no longer want to participate in conversations that desecrate another person or persons. I also don't want to participate in conversations that are so much work to make the other person look good. I spend more time on the phone with this person telling them how valued they are how misunderstood, blah blah blah. I tell the truth but come on - you know you're valuable. You know you do a good job. I can't be responsible for your ego too!

OK that's enough ranting and raving. Two good things that came out of my day. I got my Fax software working FINALLY and was able to send out my first Medical Claim without having to leave the comfort of my home. The second thing - I went out and sang O Holy night in French for the Rosary sisterhood at the local Catholic Church. It proved I wasn't as ready to sing as I would like but it certainly gave me a decent benchmark. I'm almost there.

I have the magic cure waiting for me too... There is a kind doctor who helps singers all the time in my area. He will shoot my vocal cords with a shot of Cortisone right before the performance if need be. Not my preferred method but its a last resort. I will call him tomorrow.

I also found that my prescription company overcharged me for my meds - I am getting 150 dollars back ! Yay me... more shopping.....

I am still sick

I am really frustrated. I am feeling well enough to keep my normal schedule, speaking as little as possible, but my voice is taking it's sweet precious time about coming back.

I did the solo tonight that is so easy for me when I am healthy and in order for it sound 60% like that I had to work 300%. That is plain frustrating.

More frustrating is watching the director name an understudy. On the professional level I understand that it's necessary and I am the one who did the right thing and called him this afternoon to tell him to prep one of the other women but dammit it's mine. I worked my ass off for it and it's mine.

Now I think I will be well enough to perform it but it's darn frustrating. I will be resting on the couch, sleeping when necessary, speaking as little as possible and taking my meds. I am told it's about a week start to finish which should get me better by Wed knock on wood.

Say prayers for me please - this is an important one for me!

I am reveling

I know it's unrealistic to revel in this but I showed a 5.8 Lb loss at the WW scale this week!!!!

I revel because it's a nice triumph.

I know it's unrealistic because I lost it due to illness. Logically some will come back on, the trick is to minimize the back gain.

I so enjoyed that number at the scale. I also enjoyed the fact that a Dunkin Donuts this morning I fought the urge for a Gingerbread latte and got my regular Large Caramel flavored coffee with skim milk and two splenda's.

Though my voice is on it's way back thanks to Mucinex ( a miracle drug by the way) and lots of hot showers and hot tea and hot soup ( I am SICK TO DEATH of the tea and soup by the way).

I am actually surprised I haven't scorched the inside of my mouth and throat with the temperature of tea and soup.

I am fighting my way back to good health and I am itchy to start exercizing again.

Next week for sure....

If you were to be granted one wish, what would it be?

If I were to be granted one wish what would it be?

This is a major dilemma.

When I was young it was to have the resources needed to live a full and happy life. And at that time, that meant money. But that has changed for me now.

Not that money is not an important factor, but it’s no longer the only factor. Money assists not only for material things but for better health as well. And health is a major factor as we age. Money can be earned, borrowed, won. But is it the most important thing? We can’t live without it, but it should not be the only thing we live for. While it can certainly make the living more comfortable of course….

Now, I’m not noticing that as I am aging, health issues are becoming more of a focus. Not that my health is any more in jeopardy now than when I was younger. However, I do notice it in our parents. And that’s where the concern is, of course. As we get older, so do our parents and grandparents. This means new health issues, bodily functions working different, slowing down. Living situations may have to change. Things like that.

My mom had a wonderful idea that if she and her best friend lose their “Bobs” ( both women are married to a Bob) they will check into a nursing home together, drink their white wine and play their card game – shit. That’s the actual title – shit. I don’t profess to know or understand this game, though I have watched them play it for years. If this is something that will make the two of them happy – I am all for it.

So clearly health is a question and a possible wish to have better health BUT not eternal life. Eternal Life would be a drag I think. All the people you love would pass one but you would keep hanging around. And at what age? Do you get to pick? That’s an entire other question. Maybe an entire post.

Another wish is to have happiness. Now that brings another perspective with it. Can one feel happiness ALL the time? How would you know if you have no other emotion to compare it to? I think if I were to choose this one it would have a lot of codicils to it. I think it’s important to feel sadness, grief, rage, happiness, and yes even ambivelance.

Peace would be a better choice – though trite. Peace for the world? Yes but a hell of a big job and not one that has an immediate fix. The world is an amazing place but pretty messed up overall. It needs a large group of able bodied and able minded folks with the same common goal to really get it in shape. Not an easy task when you have the human race as it is today. Too many hidden agenda’s and politics. It needs a lot of work is my point. Personal inner peace? Yeah I think that one might work. Peace with myself, my loved ones and the world around me? I could probably select that wish.

Then there’s of course love. Love kind of comes in a unique package. You can have a partner in life that you love and are loved by. You can be loved by your family and love them in return and love and be loved by your friends. Would you choose Love when you most like already have it?

Seriously at the end of the day? I think Peace is my choice. I hate to be all Miss America here, but world and inner peace is the way to go. My reasons are not what you think. Because good health can be achieved with work, love I already have in many fashions, money can be earned, but peace? Peace is a good wish. Peace on earth, good will toward men? Not just a pithy saying. World peace is something to strive for.. Inner peace needs to happen in order for any other kind to take place. I will wish for inner peace and work towards that goal instead.

If you were to be granted one wish what would it be? from If ( Questions for the Game of Life) by Evelyn McFarlane & James Saywell.

A Visit

I went to visit the director of the Chorale that I am a ringer with. He wants me to learn O Holy Night in French. I've Latin, English and Italian so french was a new one.

The language isn't a challenge and who doesn't know O Holy Night?

We reviewed that and a little bit of the Rossini, then we started to chit chat. Until recently I felt he looked down on me to be honest. He always assigned someone to "help" me "learn" notes. But in speaking with him, I found out that I was rather highly regarded and he was very pleased with the rep that I have been working on.

We did the usual trading of war stories from school, my undergrad days at Crane, his at Eastman. He's older than my parents are but not quite old enough to my grandparent. His wife joined us, we had a lovely time talking about our "technique" classes. She told me how horribly she did at brass techniques and I Laughed suitably because her husband is a trombonist. She laughed suitably at my violin stories, being a violist herself. And Both went crazy when I described my trombone final where I put the slide on the floor and backed up till I heard the correct note in 7th position. ( I'm five foot 2 inches! I would be Ape woman if I had arms for THAT).

They are some serious musicians but they have done it all. I am envious that they found each other in college. College sweethearts that he said he thanks God for every day that his wife was groomed from elementary school to attend Eastman. otherwise they wouldn't have met. He's from Pennsylvania, she from Long Island NY. They are a lovely couple and though I should not have been talking today at all... at least I had something to speak with, I really enjoyed my chat with them.

I think one of the things that I bring to the table as a soloist is not just that ability to do the job technically and professionally, but I am human about it. My friend Jenna, oh wise one that she is, stated once that sometimes the "best" person doesn't get the gig because they are unpleasant to work with. Meaning when two people equal in strength at the technical and musical aspects, the one who is easier to work with will get the gig. and directors only make that mistake once.

This director is such a perfect example. He made the mistake last year. And vowed NEVER again. Now he's throwing the protege of HIS protege the work. Oh yes, it's little stuff right now. But around here, you don't walk in as a newcomer and get all the big stuff right away. You have to earn your stripes. I'm doing just that. I also don't expect anything from him. I am just happy to have the privilege of singing under his direction and I let him know that and thank him for the opportunity each and every time.

It really does pay to be nice and easy to work with.

Life is strange

I have some kind of bronchial thing.

That's not the part that's strange though.

I am a professional "ringer" for one specific group. Meaning I don't attend every rehearsal, though I do try to get to as many as possible out of professional courtesy to those who do attend all, and I perform in their concerts. It's a conflict on the rehearsal nights hence the reason I am considered a "ringer". I have earned my keep with them, they trust me and they like me now. I won't sing with them unprepared ever. They are superb group of people.

I went last night and was astounded to see a former church choir member sitting there. Interesting, I think. She is older than I am by at least 15 years maybe more, a breast cancer survivor. She plays the flute and sings soprano. And she's VERY competitive. And not in the smart way. Most people who are competitive work hard to be worthy of the competition and be at the top of their game. Oh no. not this one. She just expects that she will get everything and not have to work at it.

She has a lot of talent. That much I can guarantee you but most of it is un-tapped. It's a pity because I think the gift is there with her flute playing but since I was 12 years old, she's been jealous of me ( I only realize this now - because she told me) . Which is nuts. I was a 12 year old for heavens sake. Be that as it may.

The director came to me during the break and assigned me somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-8 solo's to learn in a variety of Languages and performance opps.

Then I lost my voice. Ironically during jingle bells.

It certainly wasn't jingling all the way. I was vocally tired on easy pieces. Harder pieces were better, but I was vocally shot by the end of seemingly easy program.

I awoke this morning to having absolutely nothing. Over the course of the day, it would cut in and out but not at my normal voice - I would go from nothing to a croaking. I ended up with a low grade fever by the end of the day. I slept it off, continued to take my drugs, and I have something back, but not much. I am coughing now which is a huge help. I am sick to DEATH of tea. I am on a crash course to get well. I am resting like crazy and not talking at all ( For those of you who know me well... STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!)

It figured that no sooner do I get a lot of work to do and I can't even do it because the tool isn't working!

C'est La vie...... It has 24 hour and then we hit Herr Doktor tomorrow if a significant improvement isn't made.

The Count down begins

I find it strange that only in the United States has Christmas become SUCH a huge big deal.

In France and Germany and indeed, most of western Europe they don't even put their trees up until the week before Christmas. And you don't see those HUGE inflatable Christmas lawn decorations.

For me, I love Christmas. It's a time for family, wonderful decorations that we grew up with scattered with new ones that become old soon enough. We have our Hummel nativities in the family that I cherish and they have history too. My mom gave up our old white electric star after years of trying to find a star or angel that she like better. I am sure it got tossed but I don't recall when.

There was a time when my mom made all these felt birds and ornaments and some of those still go on the tree along with a christmas card I made her with a gingerbread on it when I was in pre-k. I hesitate to describe it but for some reason I decided that the gingerbread needed teeth and teeth he got. Jaws teeth. He looks the evil gingerbread. Run Run as fast you can - you can't catch me - he's the scary ginger bread man.

I got my first "grown -up" tree this year. Up until now I have had my 4 1/2 foot Harrows tree. Its probably 10 years old. I just bought a 6 1/2 foot pre-lit tree. I cannot wait for it get here. I just got my issue of Martha Stewart Living with some great ideas for decorating the house. I cannot wait.

My mom LOVES Christmas. So by all rights so do the rest of us. We look forward to it every year. The music starts on Thanksgiving ( So seriously, who kidnapped the Carpenters CD? It's been MIA for a couple of years now - not that I miss it.... ) and goes straight on through January. My mom does classic, and elegant decorations in the house. She doesn't have any baudy or cheesy decorations. It's all soft and warm and heavenly. I look forward to that day every year.

This year it will be at my brothers. I fully expect this to be different but similar. He and my mom have similar tastes and their home is beautiful. I expect the same family warmth - double the size at the least, the same music, food, classic decorations the whole shebang. I am looking forward to it this year.

The only difference is my brother's decorations will make it down before Valentines day.

My mom's won't.

She's a hoot!

A new beginning

First Impressions are sometimes fatal.

I have spoken of a family situation of late for you guys and there is something new that has not been written about but I think is a good thing.

I have had a negative view of my family until recently. Oh I love them - so much. I have amazing respect for all of them but nevertheless, negativity.

And I know why. And it's NOT WHO I AM to be like that.

I think in some unique way that this situation had more good come of it than bad. I can't emphasize enough how valuable this lesson has been to me. I allowed someone else's opinion to formulate my own. I am much smarter than that. I was kicking myself for awhile after I realized it because I lost time with people I love because I allowed this person to put the wedge in.

Knowing this, I have my guard up against that. I won't relax it either because the relationships that were once strained are so much more relaxed and easy and I am not interested in sacrificing that for another person who can't give me the love and support that the rest of the family can.

I went against my actual upbringing. Sometimes that's good, and sometimes its not. This was a poor choice on my part and I will be working hard moving forward to address and make sure it doesn't happen again.

My mom always said it bothered her that her children weren't close. Now I won't assume responsibility for the other 4, but I can certainly make sure that I am more accessible to my siblings and work to build those relationships up.

This is a golden opportunity that I don't intend to pass up!

Work is work and personal is personal

For some people this concept is easy. For others not so much.

I fell into the latter.

One day I woke up and realized that I needed to separate my career from my life. I was astounded to find I didn't actually have a life.

You know the expression - get a life? Well I did.

I work in a high pressured environment. It is a job that can easily become 24x7x365 without a blink of an eye. The trick is balance - what can wait till tomorrow? What needs to be done now? What is the customer's true priority?

I have become adept at answering all of these things - but my 20's are gone and I can't get that time back. So I am making the most of the time I have now.

I taught a student last night who, by rights, could be me at that age. Right down to her birthday being the day before mine. She's in her teens however. And she has no real life. She is all about school work and sleep. She is having some difficulties with time management. I have been trying to teach her about time management and not making the same mistakes that I did. Of course, as always there are differences. I occasionally sacrificed grades for friends and for music as it was my intended career choice at that time. I was a procrastinator as she is and a detail freak ( and I still am). She has the same issues with self control that I had at that age too.

I was giving her her lesson when my cell phone rang. It was my boss. I looked at the phone because though I have personalized ringtones for each person in my phone book and a generic one for numbers I don't know, I absolutely couldn't believe that my boss was calling on the Friday night of a holiday weekend. The 20 year old me, would have excused myself, returned the call and left early to work on whatever the call was for. I listened patiently to the voice mail and made the decision that this can wait until Monday. Then I turned my attentions back to my student and discussion why she had not time for practice again.

What I noticed with her is that she has developed a pattern over the years. She works from January to June like a pro. From June through December it's me getting angry for not practicing, me lecturing, her being disappointed in herself, her crying, us working out time lines and different practice techniques to get the most bang for you buck and most definitely NOT in that order. Then January comes and I don't have to tell her anything. She just does it. And well. She 's truly gifted on the piano. She loves it too which is more important.

This week her report card came home while I was there as well. So we had to add that to the mix. This is a true straight A student. And yet the comments bother her. She doesn't like them. I found them funny. I mean, A+ in a class and the comment is Works Satisfactorily? That's code for something I won't print here! My other favorite was A+ in a class and the comment is excessive lateness. So that caused an emotional outburst. I personally would have taken the straight A's an partied like a lunatic. But that's me now, that wouldn't have been me at the same age. I explained that those two qualify in the "stupid" category. Logically if the lateness was adversely affecting her grade - she wouldn't have an A+. And this is an easy one to fix. Get up on time.

So we had the discussion about time mgmt. I told her she was on strike 1 of three strikes and you're out. I talked her through some time mgmt techniques and she's going to give them from now until January to try them out and make sure that they are doable.

The moral of the story here, Adults are not the only ones who can't separate the two. Kids suffer more now than we did at that age. Partly because the school work is rather intense in the honors classes as far as time goes not necessarily difficulty. Kids are also spread too thin in general. Kids should have 2 or 3 activities and that's it. I had a ton at that age and all through High school and I suffered the stress that goes with that and I have to tell you that it wasn't until I was a senior in HS that I got it under control. I did it by scheduling my AP classes in the Morning taking 2 study halls and a lunch back to back and going home to sleep during the day. I came back in time for Band/orchestra. I was a work-a-holic even as a student.

I'm not anymore. I sleep at night - very well thank you. I do not have medical scares because of unusually high stress levels. And most of all at night when I stop working - I'm truly done unless it is my week to be on call or I have PLANNED after hours activities.

I teach music lessons but it seems that I wear more hats than just that. I am teacher, parent, counselor, friend, minister, doctor, you name it. Last night, I was life lessons coach.

I hope she learns it now. My boss is heading for a heart attack that we cannot prevent. I don't want that to be this child's future.

The grass is always greener

I heard an expression by a comedienne once:

Curly-haired people want straight hair, Straight-haired people want curly hair and bald men want everyone to be blind.

Essentially that sums up the post I am embarking on.

Basically, the grass is always greener. Fat people want to be thin, thin people try to gain weight.

morning people want to be night owls, night owls want to be morning people.

So why is it that human beings can't be satisfied with what they have and have the capability of producing?

A question as sold as time, and I have no answer that is any better than any other. But I do have some thoughts on this.

There is a way to be content with what you have. I firmly believe that and in light of the thanksgiving holiday this seems like a good time to address this. Only I don't always know how to go about this.

I had an eight year old child say to me once, that the most important thing she is trying to learn is how to be happy with what she has and not want more. Eight. Yes, seriously. She's an exceptionally bright only child of exceptionally bright only children. I did not know how to react to that comment.

With my weight I want to be thin. I know what I need to do to get there and I am not interested in a "quick fix". I don't expect to be model thin and frankly it's not healthy. I don't look at thin people and wish up on a star. Not anymore. I know how to achieve my goal and I just need to keep working at it every day.

With my music, I want to be better than I am but I know that requires work too. It also requires some psych maneuvers for auditions and that sort of thing. It also requires people to believe in you. If they are throwing tomatoes at you, this is probably not your gig. I have the talent to do the job. I have the drive to do the job. It just requires patience.

I have a home that I love. It's the perfect size for just me. Is it my little stone cottage in french countryside? no. But that's OK - I pretend that it is. And that's what makes it good.

The truth is, other than a mate, I am content with what I have. I am not a fiend for money, so I don't WANT more - of course, if it comes to me I will not turn it down.

As for finding a mate.... I am happy whether I have one or not. I would LIKE one though and that's also OK. But I'm not sad at being a single person. It enables certain freedoms that married people don't have. By the same token married people have a built in date for national holidays and there is someone around to take care of and to care for you. So each way has it's plusses and minuses. Man was not meant to be alone. God made Eve out of Adam's rib to be his companion. However I will not marry just to be married. So I persevere on, meeting new people and seeing what happens.

So back to my original dilemma. Can people want what they have? And what if they don't know how to accomplish that? Is there a way to change the mindset ? I don't know when my mindset changed or even if it really ever did. I would love to hear your feed back on this since it boggles my mind.

By the way I would like to extend a warm welcome to my brother who has found my blog after such a short lived search - Bravo Bud! I knew you would find me! Love you! We had a nice day yesterday!


So to end where I began... Is it possible to Have what you want and want what you have?

I think so.

Follow-up to Next Steps

This post is a follow-up to next steps.

The whole Thanksgiving thing set in fine relief. I'm not sure if I was clear about what happened here.

I spent the day with my brother and his wife and her family. I couldn't have asked for anything better than this unless it was to have my mom and step dad here too.

At the end of the day - these holidays are about family and friends and giving thanks. B's mom made a wonderful meal with some dishes also provided by her grandmother.

I had a lot of good food and even better conversation. This to me is what family is about.

My family is made up of a rather distinctly unusual and bright and talented people. It's not a stretch really. All of us are super bright regardless of which end of the gene pool we came out of.

B's family is very similar in that regard. They are wonderfully bright and sensitive caring people. I really love that she and her family have joined with us. More importantly I love that my brother married the right girl for him. Their children will be a hoot and I can't wait for nieces or nephews that will actually know who I am. I love them already!

In short my brother and I are closer now. Not due to this holiday specifically but some family events of late. This makes me so happy. We talk like we haven't in years. He makes me laugh. All of you who know me and think I'm the funny one?? WRONG - he's the funny one. I'm the straight man.

I had one of the most relaxed days in a long time on Thursday. Christmas is with both families at my brother's house - that's going to be a blast and I can't wait. Last year was with B's family and if that's any indication I'm really looking forward to it. It's so nice to have a big family.

Thanksgiving Eve

It's actually officially Thanksgiving day.

If I were a different person or had some kind of evil personality transplant I would laugh and rub my hands together in evil glee.

You see the family member that hadn't invited me for Thanksgiving is now not even cooking for her guests as they have a family emergency to attend to that is life or death.

That part is sad and I feel very badly ( even with the evil persona) that this family is dealing with this tragedy at all, let alone on a holiday.

However.

That family member now is going to the cousin's home at the last minute and just tonight wondered what I was doing.

The real me, felt badly, that I was unable to invite them to where I was going. But not badly enough to say anything. When I was asked what I was doing, they were suprised to find my mom out of town. I, of course, reminded them that I had this conversation 2 weeks ago with them. Good will all around regardless. But funny that now the shoe is on the other foot.

I wish I could have truly enjoyed that moment. But All I could see was irony. and the thought that was go around comes around.

Meanwhile I LOVE this holiday. It is the only one that you can go to other's homes, there is no gift giving pressure, there is no religious overtones for people to navigate ( especially in multi-cultured homes like mine) and overall it's just about good food, good company and giving thanks for the blessings in your life whatever they may be.

For fear of being repetitive from yesterday, no one will spoil this for me.

Our interfaith service was wonderful. We had representatives from the Lutheran church, the Presbyterian church, the Congregational church, the Catholic Church, the Reformed Jewish Temple, the Orthodox Temple, The Mosque, The Greek Orthodox Church and the Episcopal Church ( we hosted). the choir had our normal 8 ( out of 10) and we had 8 members total from the other places of worship. It was a lovely service and I enjoyed it immensly.

I am headed for bed now as I have to sing at church at 10AM and then I can come home and chill out before heading to my sister-in-laws.

I give my thanks for my family, my friends, the roof over my head, the careers that I have, the cats I adore, and my good health.

I love you all!

Desparately in need of a mental health day

I'm tired.

Not physically. But emotionally. I want a day to not have to THINK about anyone I don't want to or anything I don't want to.

And Wednesday November 22 is my day.

I have a couple of have-to's to take care of - have to walk, have to teach 2 kids, have pick up the house.... but that night is my want to - the annual interfaith service. It's my favorite and it is so much fun. We have such a wonderful time. And this year my church, St Judes, is hosting.

We are singing "For the Beauty of the Earth" by Rutter. I hate the tune to be honest, because it is soooooo overdone. But it's suitable for words and technically do-able. So we go with it. Last year it was "look at the world" also Rutter. Wonderful piece and I love the Mass for the Children that it comes from. If you ever have the opportunity to listen to it, please do. I'm a little disappointed that we aren't doing more traditional hymns but that's not really a crisis.

Mostly my plans for the day are taking time to be with me. I need brain healing time. There are very few calls I will take - select friends and family ( and I mean select, if any of you are reading you are allowed to call!). I will take a hot bath maybe a nap ( yum!) and cook and just be at peace with myself. I need it so very much.

I don't need these too often but the pressures of my job get to me. My primary gig can be very stressful and we are nearing the end of a project that I am running and everyone is starting to scream loudly and it has become an unmanageable mess. My boss took care of one major issue today so that when I return after the holiday it should be fine. I have a few other measures that I need to put in place and then I think it will be smoother sailing.

That said - that's circumstantial and I can walk away from that mentally 99% of the time. Layer that with the emotional stuff that's happening and you get a time bomb. So I'm de-fusing the bomb so to speak.

I'm looking forward to spending the holiday with my new sister-in-law and her family. That's going to be a lot of fun. As previously mentioned, her parents are roughly my age. I am truly looking forward to it.

I am also now trying to find my holiday outfits. I can't find anything appealing at my regular haunts and maybe tomorrow I will head over to Dress Barn here in town and see if they have anything that looks good for the holidays. I am sooooo picky and I need a new dress for the party on the 15th. You would think I would be excited right? I HATE to shop. I mean I seriously HATE stores. I hate trying things on - no matter WHAT weight I am. I resent that I have to spend my time there. Truthfully 99% of my wardrobe was bought online or through catalogues.

I do 100% of my Christmas shopping on line. I just don't have the patience for a line or any other those other things that make malls and stores so much fun for others. I don't even food shop in a store. 80% of my food purchases come from an outfit called Peapod. I love them and I am a preferred customer. They will be bringing me my groceries tomorrow - yay me!

One small note about customer service as we gear up for high shopping season. I made a deposit at my bank on Sunday night at the ATM. It should have posted today. Not only didn't it post, no one saw any record of it. I called the branch after talking to the customer service center and the assistant manager was so unbelievably nice. She went ahead and authorized a portion of the check to be posted to my account for tomorrow. What I liked most about it is they hadn't even found the check yet. She didn't want me to be without funds for the holiday while the bank was closed. I was truly touched by such a nice woman. She is supposed to let me know when they find the deposit but they believe that it is there and they just errored in processing. They were properly concerned for me, for locating my money, for making retribution to me, but not so much so as to create alarm in me. the personal touch is NOT dead OR in India as many believe. It's alive and well in the US.

So that's my plans for tomorrow - it's ALL about me.

( see I'm getting better .... I CAN tune out the world! ) Bon Soir!

A plan for Christmas

Given the stress of Thanksgiving and the situation in my family, I decided to make a plan for the Christmas holidays so as not to go through those feelings of "unwanted-ness".

I used my weight watcher list making technique. I made a list of "want to do's", "Need to do's" and "have to do's". It looks like this:

Want To Do:

1. Attend Midnight Mass Xmas eve
2. Visit with friends & family on Xmas day
3. Bake on Xmas eve
4. Have a relaxed meal both days
5. See Eeman play on Xmas eve
6. Have a nice dinner between Xmas eve services with the brilliant musicians mom. ( Her invite)
7. Sing all three services at church

Need to Do:

1. Exercise both days
2. Eat smartly early on both days
3. Shopping on Xmas eve
4. See a family member ( the one I am having difficulties with) on Xmas eve early or early on Xmas day

Have to Do:

1. See a family member ( the same one) on either day

Now you may wonder why "see a family member" is on the need to do and have to do list. Allow me to explain. this list is awesome tool. It shows in a very specific relief what the sense of urgency is on Need to do and Have to do.

So it's on both as it will depend what this person wants at that time. I have two slots that I have intentionally not filled so that I can arrange for one of them to go to this person. But I am not rearranging for them. I have a very specific time table all ready lined up for both days. I have some time before 4 on Christmas eve and I have time before 2 on Christmas day. That, of course, is assuming that my brother and this family member don't patch things up.

This is my absolute favorite season of the year. From Thanksgiving through New Years ( which I continue to find a bit of let down. ) I love to decorate my house, bake my favorite items, attend my holiday parties, See my friends for cocktails. I love the sights, the smells, the sound of voices raised to heaven... It's all important to me. And I'll be damned if someone else's issues will ruin it for me.

So I made my plans already. And though this is an unselfish time of year, I'm being a little bit selfish. I have to be though for two reasons: It's better for me from an emotionally stable point of view AND I am trying to make some traditions for myself. I always see Jenna on Christmas day night for cocktails. It's become a tradition for the past 3 years and it's really become a part of the holidays that I look forward to. I rush there from wherever I am so I can see my girls ad my boys before they fall asleep. This year the twins are REALLY talking and I CANNOT wait to see them and hear what they will say!

I already have 2 parties scheduled so I am being selective about everything else this year.

One is a secret Santa that I do with "the girls". Excuse me. The Goddesses. Jenna found the coolest website. http://www.elfster.com will set up your secret Santa for you and email the details to each participant. It was so cool, I set it up for my family secret Santa this year. It's working out really well. I love this website. I urge you to check it out and try it.

So I am now feeling settled for the Holidays and I am off and pricing out prelit trees for my house. I can't wait!

In the wee small hours of the morning

I should clarify some things from this morning's post.

When I wrote:

"I chose a good one and he did the very thing that sets him apart from most of the men that I know. He didn't JUST open it, he also removed the foil from the neck of the bottle BEFORE pouring. Wow, I could fall in love just that easily watching him do that. I do not believe that I taught him that, though that possibility does in fact exist. Still none-the-less, it really spoke to me. "

I should quantify that this little tiny detail that he did with the wine is a small thing that he knew was important to me because it spoils the taste of the wine to be poured through a foil wrapped bottle neck. What set him apart was that he knew that and did it because it was important to ME and he really doesn't like wine terribly much. He drinks it when it's all that is left. So the small act was all the more important to me.

So I was late to church as I finally fell asleep at 6:30. I knew that was going to happen, I was late to my rehearsal, but only by 15 minutes. I love Peg but her voice isn't what it used to be. And she has my solo from last year ( Cincia is trying to keep things fair) but no one can hear her. We are having a LOT of music for Christmas eve and Advent but it should be fun. I am now singing at the 5PM service as well as the 10 AM and 10 PM. Busy day.

I am vocally tired today from yesterday's lesson. He worked me hard but that's ok. My recital is less than 3 months away. Eleven weeks to be exact. I'm freaking out now as I don't feel ready. I know it sounds crazy. But that's me - I like to be prepared early. I'm sure last night's drinking didn't help me at all either.

Funny thing is I lost 2 lbs between last night and today. That made me laugh. I have no intention of drinking like that perhaps ever. I just like the loss of control. It isn't me. I was not so drunk that I had any bad after affects: no hangover no stomach issues. I'm just a bit tired from irregular sleep. Some chest congestion but that's leftover from allergies/cold thing.

The Weight loss thing is going well now - two weeks of consecutive losses makes a big difference to me. I am shooting for a loss on Thanksgiving too. It's completely doable provide I save my bonus points for that day and keep in mind that it's a holiDAY not a HoliWEEK.

K and I are going to sing a duet at church on New Years Eve. We are excited about it. I like my new friend a lot. We talked today all through an exercise that we were supposed to be doing at church this morning - I'm surprised we didn't get detention! Or be made to stay after !!! Too funny. She's doing a recorded concert at church with her school's chamber choir and my baby girl Lin is singing a solo. Of course she almost blew it and I was going to do it because Lin double booked and planned to go with the thing she "wanted" to do rather than the thing she "committed" to first. But it all worked out which is better as my concert is the night before and I have one of the solo's in the Poulenc Gloria and there is a good chance I will be exhausted. But I will go and watch anyway. I will pinch hit if she needs me.

So I am still waiting for the pastor to email me back about his foster son... the brilliant, well-read, musician. The man just peaks my interest to no end. Half the books I have read of late are at his suggestion. And they were all good. He's totally against type for me. TOTALLY. Where I go for blonde's or light brown hair with blue, green or hazel eyes, he has black hair and dark brown eyes. He's just different. But when we talk - it's with single minded purpose, everyone else goes away and it's for hours. So I am patient with this one.

I just returned home from my rehearsal which was really great. I sang my solo with the group for the first time and it was a huge improvement over the crappy audition I did when I wasn't feeling well last week.

I treated myself with QP with cheese and fries from MCd's. 26 points for those who care.

I have em' I used em.

It was good.

A date for Thanksgiving

my sister-in-law called while I was entertaining a gentleman caller today....

I was entertaining EEman - he is now finally seeing me for the fabulous person I am.

He arrived with Killian's in tow...

I hadn't eaten all day literally so before I knew it, the beer was gone and he was looking to open a bottle of wine. I chose a good one and he did the very thing that sets him apart from most of the men that I know. He didn't JUST open it, he also removed the foil from the neck of the bottle BEFORE pouring. Wow, I could fall in love just that easily watching him do that. I do not believe that I taught him that, though that possibility does in fact exist. Still none-the-less, it really spoke to me.

Too bad we're just friends now. Actually, I'm kind of liking the fact the he's now treating me much better than he used to. This is a good thing and I'm happy about that. What makes this different for me is that I don't think I want him anymore in a romantic fashion, it just can't work for us. But I digress.

As you know wine is a big HUGE part of my life and my families. We grew up on it, my mom is quite knowledgeble about it and French wine in particular is important to us.

So if you want to call me a snob when it comes to that - go right ahead. Because it's true.

So E and I talked for hours literally. We played music and sang, we dished, discussed and endless array of subjects from politics, mutual friends, music, music, music, his 50th birthday party that I have been working on so hard. Oh and his potential break up with his girl friend.

hence the wine.

So when the phone rang ( twice while he was here....) and it was my new sister-in-law to invite me to her mom's on Thanksgiving - Eeman was cheering in the background between quoting verses of the song that bears her name ( and she's named after that song too according to her mom who is younger than eeman and close to my age. The song is by Looking glass and some key words in it are "wears a braided chain made of finest silver from the North of spain, a locket that bears the name of the man that ____________ loves...." ) because even though he has to work that night, he couldn't even do the day for dinner with me because he has to tend to his brother. And he felt badly about it. I thought it was incredibly sweet of her and I do think my mom had a hand in that because I don't think I mentioned my brother or his wife that I was going to be alone ( and they don't read this).

So now I have someplace to go that I will enjoy and be thankful for.

So back to Eeman. We had a LOT of fun tonight. I can't remember us having such a good time. I was feeling badly that he was not getting the best treatment from his girlfriend. Some women can juggle multiple men at the same time really well and some just can't. His girlfriend, it would appear, falls into the latter. She knows what she's doing is problematic and he really wants this to go somewhere. I just hope for him that they can work it out. I'm not real sympathetic to her cause to be honest. If you know you are doing something to hurt someone else and not making any move to rectify it, thats not good and doesn't really lend itself to a lasting relationship. I don't think that she wants to give the other guy up to be honest. I don't have high hopes here and I hate that this is happening to him. He has not had the best luck with women.

However to give snaps where they are due - he does recognize how fabulous I am and managed to nicely slip that into the conversation several times and I like hearing that from anyone but especially from my male friends. It speaks volumes about the male member of our species when they recognize things like that.

Meanwhile throughout all of this we have now finished off a six pack of beer and two bottles of wine. YIKES thats 17 points for me on Weight Watchers and I don't get that many in a day to start with!

uh oh - I'm was tipsy. OK I was full out drunk by the time he was ready to go deal with his girlfriend. I'm a scary light weight when it comes to alcohol consumption. And most times I can take or leave it altogether as I don't like to lose that much control of myself. But I was feeling safe and secure in my own home and with him so I was able to relax and enjoy myself. My problem is that I never sleep well when I have been drinking. I know tons of people who sleep wonderfully, I'm not one of them. So it was no surprise to me that 11:15 I was sleeping on the couch, I got up at 12:30 and went to bed and was awake by 4 and need to be up for my church gig at 8. I can't remember the last time this happened. Kind of funny but tomorrow I will need a nap at the least

So here I am writing my post with the hopes that I can fall back asleep without pharmaceutical means.

I'm starting yawn and notice that je fatigue so I am headed off to bed.

Fait de beaux reves!