Rainy days and MOndays

Now I wont start this by saying that I worried for nothing yesterday.

I worried about the sad realities that surround working for the person that I do.

I told my partner in crime in the south today that the only reason I didn't quit last week is that everything I am doing would be dumped on her.

Isn't that amazing? Even in my job, I am thinking of my staff before my ownn happiness.

The reality is if and when I do separate myself, my staff will pay because they will not backfill the position regardless of whose choice it is.

The amount of work that we have used to be manageable but my leader has added layers and steps that are unnecesary and timewasters. Thus the 6 of us limp along with no ability to get through this.

So my worrying about him returning from vacation was totally for something. In fact he has since added steps to my workload. Thus, I will never dig out from under.

And you know what - I don't much care.

On a different front, I am back to feeling like there is a hole in my heart. I miss my best friend so much and I feel like a part of me is empty. I have noticed it more and more through last week, till last night I had two feelings inside me. The low level dread of the return of leader and the low level ache of missing my best friend.

I never thought I would miss hin like this and I don't recall ever missing someone like this. The feeling isn't pain exactly. It's like a piece of me is missing, at least temporarily. It's a really strange feeling.

I was asked by my priest if I was actually in love or just in love with the idea of him. I thought for a fleeting second about what he was asking me. And the answer formed without my thinking it all the way through. NO. It is him. I am in love with him. No matter what is happening between us, good, bad, fighting whatever, I hear his voice and my heart sings. It's the strangest thing.

He also warned me to watch out that he doesn't become an addiction. That's not really a cause for concern. We reviewed the criteria there and none of them fit.

So my life which consisted largely of my career and my love life has recently decided to reside in the toilet. For now.

I really started thinking about how I can turn this around. Sadly there are nont a lot of actionable items that I can do right now. Working around the clock is counter productive so while I may work later than normal, I won't adopt the behaviour my boss wants us to have. Waiting and worrying about my best friend and what's happening isn't going to change and I'm not going to hound him. And I'm not worried, I just miss him. Terribly.

I have a tendancy to want all the facets of my life to be functional and good. If one thing has some issues, that's OK. We work through them. When any of the major pillars are not working, it's distressing but we patch it up. When the two major pillars don't work - that's really bad. For me. Really really bad.

So this is where I am at on this first day of the work week.