on Intimacy

I read this meditation yesterday. Again, as with previous "Meditations from Meditations For People who Worry Too Much" written By Anne Wilson Scharf, I really don't follow every day. If I am having a stressful day, I may pick it up and look at that days reflections and read a couple from previous days.

Intimacy

I worry most when I allow myself to love a person. Sometimes I prefer not to feel love because then I worry less. I switch between feelings of distance and feelings of love. Of course I liked the Janis Joplin song: "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

Ursula

Love has become so difficult and so complex for us humans that we sometimes have come to believe that only solution is not taking the risk. How sad it is that loving seems like a risk!

We are all so afraid of intimacy that we have indeed, become a people who actively escape from intimacy. Ironically, it is often those of us who profess the most about wanting to be intimate who are most afraid of it.

Some of us have bought ht advertising that sex is the avenue of to intimacy, and it just doesn't work. Or we believe that we can become intimate by getting the relationship clearly nailed down. Often this results in being nailed down. Or we believe that the way to become intimate is to analyze each other so we know "the truth". Often this only results in judgement and frustration.

We forget that intimacy grows and requires time and participation.

This one was ironic. It so sadly describes me to a tee. I mean - it's scary.

I had just come to decision on Wednesday night that was premature. Mercifully, though I wrote out the note, I didn't send it to the intended recipient. Instead I sent it to my best friend or BFF as the kids call it now on text...

Timing is always everything though. It turned out that I spent a good couple of hours with her in which she hadn't read it yet. So she was advising without knowing where my head was truly at, even though we were talking. So before I left -right before - she read the email. It was a very personal and intimate note. Not one I would blithely share with anyone really other than the intended recipient. But such is the nature of my friendship with her, I was able to feel confident and comfortable with her reading it.

How glad I am that I did. She looked me right in the eye over lunch and told me that I needed to be more patient. I have been harping on my patience, or lack of, quite a bit of late and she was right. She said, in short, that I was not ready to toss EVERYTHING away, was I? Didn't I think that if I was afraid that "a talk" was going to happen and I wasn't prepared to have it, that I too would be avoiding it? She said that I had to treat this as brand new. No history. Don't ditch the note, but file it. It's a safety net.

It is a safety net. I didn't cry or anything when I wrote it. She was surprised and then not. She said " You didn't get emotional when writing it because you aren't ready to send it. "

She's right - I'm not.

But I did follow her advice. And it worked. Like a charm - I WAS SHOCKED.

I am still, at my age, so naive about the opposite sex. It's embarrassing really.

What I did notice also, was that, I don't like that my moods are dependent on communication and trust. When I get a call or an email, I am smiley, happy and easy to get along with. That call doesn't come and the longer it's delayed, I am cranky, weepy, angry, and loony. I'm super glad I noticed that so I can address it in the future for myself.

How did I notice it? I was teaching a piano lesson when the call came in tonight in response to my email. I looked at the phone in disbelief. Are you kidding me? NOW ?? OK better now than not at all. I took the call. We talked as if two weeks of no communication ever happened. Not the time ( I could hear my BFF ( that term KILLS ME ) saying it in my head). We made our arrangements and hung up the call. The next lesson with these kids went so much better - I had more patience more laughing less yelling. What the hell is that about?

It's lack of knowledge really. When you don't know where you stand or you don't have the confidence in the position you are in, it can take tolls on the moods.

I am always discovering new things about myself and this journey can be a good one if I relax and have patience and enjoy the moments.


"Si le divin est dans nos ames, nous le reconnaitrons dans moments comme celui-ci."

Translation - "If God Lives at all, God lives in moments like these"

Good things come to those who wait

This is a proverb that I have strived to live. Not wiht the greatest amount of successfully of course, but I really work hard at it.

I have a personal interpretation of this proverb that has evolved over all the years since I was a sophomore in college.

My personal flavor of this proverb is Good things come to those who wait and are willing to work for them.

In short, if you want something and you sit on your duff and do nothing to earn that thing, chances are good you won't get it. And if you do get it, by some strange stroke of luck, you may not really appreciate it.

As you may have realized by now, my personal nemesis is patience. Since I was a child, hearing the words "wait until...." drove me mad. Telling me anything with forewarning is like a death sentence to me. I would recieve a call with the message on the machine "I need to talk to you" and I would immediately start returning the call.

Mostly the reason was self doubt. I was always afraid that what I didn't know WOULD hurt me. Or someone would be mad at me, or that I did something incorrectly or something like that.

I'm doing marginally better in the patience department. I was reminded twice today that in a specific area in my life, the patience card needs to be played longer. I can't bail at the first sign of trouble or when my patience suddenly craps out.

I never really thought about it. But I think that I am better about patience in this area than I have been in my past. But It's stil not enough. I am going to drive myself insane if I keep worrying about things that I can't change on my own.

But I am willing to do the work. I am filling my time fairly well, though the reason I am having trouble this week is the that I had a couple of days with more time on my hands than I should. I need to take steps to fill those voids too.

My patience is going to be better. And I am praying that with that patience comes the one thing I really want.

I am willing to put the work in on this. If that means occupying my time better, than that's what I need to do. If it means improving myself in the process - that's OK too.

so long as in the end the good thing comes to me because I am waiting AND working at it.

Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have."

I hear this one quite often.

Here's my only problem with it. It's a pretty simple one actually.

If you are comfortable wanting what you have, how would you know what other possibilities are out there that you might want to try?

A little philisophical perhaps.

The way I see it, if you want what you have, that's great. If you want something you don't have, you can sometimes work hard and get it. And then there are the things you work towards that may be you get and maybe you don't but you are always striving for.

Those are called Dreams.

So if you are striving for your dreams and don't yet have them, but are working hard, does the quote in my title still hold true?

I don't know.

I simply don't.

I know what I want. I have about 75% of the things that I want in life. I am very comfortable with these odds. The 25% that I don't have feels like 200% though.

The same person who commented that I don't take enough care of myself has also commented that with hard work a person can achieve exactly what they want.

I find that easy to believe on some levels and hard to believe on others.

I suppose like anything else in life, "Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.", is probably full of exceptions.

I think I am one of them.

Why ???? Well it's simple. I was happy and content and wanted exactly what I had. Was perfectly happy. Didn't need anything else. Then that changed and I was put into a state of confusion and now I want things that I didn't even really care about before. And yes, they will make me terrbily, delioursly happy.

There was a thaw on my heart.

And now I have to figure out how to live like this.

Things I am learning about myself, about love and about life

The last few months have been enlightening to me.

I was accused of not taking care of myself. On more than one occasion by one person. I disagree on some points and I agree on others.

What I did say and maintain is "Hello kettle you ARE black". This person takes less care of themselves than I do.

You see, the term "taking care of myself" is a hard one. I care very much about myself. I am spending a lot of time taking care of my body and self image as that has taken a big hit in the past couple of years. I know why it did and while it's a valid reason, however it has a tendancy to take over, so I needed to let it go and move on. I gained all weight back that I had worked so hard to lose in the years before my dad passed and it's coming up on four years since he died and that also make me four years closer to a landmark birthday. So I bit the bullet when this person said to me, " you don't take care of yourself" and bumped up the good things I was ALREADY doing to get the weight off. I added the activity that I loathe so much. I actually like it now.

Then I started noticing that "care" had a different definition to me too. I care enough about myself to not get involved in situations that don't actively involve me. I also don't allow situations to happen that include me, without my permission. I don't mean to say that people ask my permission to involve me. I mean that I either allow the situation to happen to me or I decline and walk away and disassociate myself for some period of time.

Once I started doing this pretty frequently, I noticed it wasn't that hard.

For example. The Choral group I discussed yesterday. I am in the process of deciding to leave. I have three months to make that decision. Please DO NOT think that I am doing this in support for the director. I am not. I am doing this in support of ALL the past, present and future directors of this group. I am also doing it so that I do not have to watch the foundation crumble on my family legacy. Sad, but better if it folds up when I am not there, Less painful.

I am learning about love the hard way. I am in the middle of a life lesson that I am not entirely sure how it's supposed to go. Either I am supposed to acknowledge the feelings that I have had for 8-10 years and finally get over them OR I am supposed to learn the art of patience because the only person I have ever truly loved has walked back into my life in the right capactiy. Maybe this is our time FINALLY. Maybe it's not. Maybe its the lesson that teaches me how to stand up for myself and what I believe in for myself ? Or some combination of the above. What I want and what I am supposed to learn may end up being the same and they may end up being different. I am having a hard time believing that a loving and caring God would bring this situation back to me in this fashion without a plan for us to be together in the long run.

I pray for guidance on these items and I also pray for the outcome that I want with them as well.

I have discovered that life is funny, life is messy and dramatic. I hate the drama, I hate the gossip, but honestly, without it, I am living a half life. I am not fully living becuase I am not fully feeling. I realized that after Easter this year. I was not taking care of myself because I was living in the middle of the emotional spectrum rather than experiencing the Highs and Lows. Understand this. The middle is a nice resting place to hang out in when you are trying to recover your strength ( physical or emotonal) after something traumatic happens. It also takes a lot of additional work to not want the drama in your life. It sometimes takes an act of congress to put up the barrier that says "drama stay the hell out!".

But in the end, reality has a way of creeping up on you. Life is messy. YOu can't live fully without experiencing the high's and lows that come with it. So while the middle is a good resting place, it should only be used as that - A resting place. You can't love fully there.

I didn't think that was true. I didn't believe that I could be happy with the highs and the lows. Well, the lows. But the resting place gave me the strength to experience the highs and lows and handle the highs wonderfully with some AMAZING memories and handle the lows in a way that doesn't enable a full blown depression that would normally send me far away to hibernate.

I handle a lot of things better. I am better able to say "no" to situations that are not acceptable to me or good for me. And withstand the pressure when people try to change my mind.

I am better equipped to deal with my challenges of health and work.

A brilliant mind recently told me that they were envious of my situation. I have never had anyone be envious of me for any reason ever. It was a strange sensation. But not a bad one. I cannot imagine anyone choosing the path my life is on right now. And then I realize that I did choose. I could have said "No, I refuse to put myself in that position again". The risk of saying NO to the possibility was greater than the risk of having my heart broken. So I chose the path that I am on and will see it through to some point. The difference now, for me, is that I am 8-10 years older and I know more about myself and about the situation. I can mae some better educated decisions about what I will and won't tolerate.

And for all of you who know the story - did you know that throwing a drink at someone actually qualifies as "battery" ??? I just found that out in conversation and found that terribly funny. I guess I am lucky I didn't throw the waterford glass too! And that the person doesn't remember the drink got thrown!

On resignation

Resignation comes in so many forms.

The two I had to deal with tonight were of the paper kind.

My director/Vocal Coach turned in his resignation to the group that I sing with. He just completed out his Third year with a performance of the Faure Requiem and Stravinsky Symphony of Psalms.

I will tell you that it's a bad thing as far as I am concerned. Not because he's my vocal coach, he is. Not because he's a fantastic director - he is that too.

But this group has a reputation now. We chew through directors. All the people worth anything are leaving. And we can't pay the money that is needed to attract seasoned, talented music directors willing and wishing to perform Master Works.

It hurts me because my uncle and my dad founded this group. It was their baby. They nurtured it and help it grow until my Uncle retired and turned the baton over to my dad. My dad continued on until his health had declined to a point where he turned the baton over to the woman he had both hired at the school where they taught and mentored her as well. He continued to sing with us until he passed away. Shortly before he died, we were interviewing new directors as the woman declined to continue.

We came across a young man who was a dynamic conductor, he was young, fresh, excited to be a part of the group, wanted to do master works.

We opted out of his contract renewal 1 year later. He was wanting to make is into an A Cappela group and we weren't having that. Not exclusively. Occasionally it's fun - but not an entire program. He was very talented and there is little doubt in my mind that he would have left us to pursue bigger things eventually. Our board just got there first.

So we hire my vocal coach. He is a musical genious and extremely talented director. Why did our board stsart forcing him out? Seriously.... it's an embarassment to me that I belong to such an immature group of adults. They started talking behind his back, polling hte membership, all those childish things that I detest. The bottom line, they didn't like that he wasn't a good administrator.

Now I ask you. If you have a full compliment on the board of directors ( President, Past Pres, VP, treasurer, Secretary, Pormotions, financial committee, Music Library) Why on EARTH should the Music Director need to administer ANYTHING???? He has a board to that crap for him!!!!

Except wiht this board - only 2-3 positions ACTUALLY do any work. our Pres - excellent, even signed on to do another year ar his peril as it turns out. And the poor guy doesn't even know about the resignation yet. Secretary - wondeerful, lovely person, works like a dog gets very little thanks and had to be the sad recipient of the letter. And dlastly, our treasurer. She a different one. She works hard and is very effective, but she is one of the yipey yentas of our group.

So our half functioning board of directors is comprised of the people most willing to do work in a group fo 45 people who do nothing. The people that got voted in still wish to do nothing and find ways to do it.

Our accompanist said it succinctly today. This is like a little club. everyone wants the club to run according to their individual needs and when that fails - they modify and adapt the rules so they can the director out the door.

I'm angry but in a strange position. A friend of mine may apply and I will have to support her if she decides to go for it and of course if she gets it. But as I may have mentioned, she will be fully and duly warned. I will make sure of it.

I'm angry and sad. This group has been around for most of my life. If this board keeps doing this, we will end up with no group. The motivations are that they want to have the original director back and force each subsequent one to succumb to it or have the job threatened. The VP wants full musical control so she can pick the rep and makes sure there are solos for her in there. I really think that if my friend doesn't get the job, I may just be done with this group. My dad would absolutely defend my decisions on this.

So knowing that the resignation was turned in was tough.

Then I turned in mine. It's not as much a resignation so much as decline of offered position. I sent out the decline for the presidency today. I included no reasons or details. I just thanked the committee for considering me a worthwhile choice but I would have to decline. I am not going to cite my step mom as a reason, or my insanely crazy life that I can't manage right now at all or anything like that. I have no intentions on elaborating and I am officially not taking the calls from this committee for a few days and I am certainly not going to my meeting this week.

Someday I may want to be president of some group - but Kiwanis? No. THe choral group? Never.

My poor dad. I'm glad he's gone so as not to put him through this. My uncle is alive though and I pray that he doesn't get wind of this.

I do not know how the whole thing will shape up to be honest. Our secretary is has the resignation letter. I advised her not to announce it at the diner after the performance. I advised and suggested to her that she might be better off waiting for the president to return from his trip on Monday and speak to him first and let him handle it. The president and the director are 20_+ year friends. Perhaps something can be corrected or adjusted. I don't know.

I just don't know.

In the grand scheme of what is happening in my world, I am disgusted by the childish behaviour of a group whose average age is 67 years old. Having not been elected the board a second year in a row ( mercifully I was smart enough not to run again) at my own decision, I don't have to deal with the inner workings. I thank GOD for that. I will demand that I be on the search committee for a new director. that's a sub committee that the director gets to create.

If I remain.

Time will tell.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record

Dear Friends and Bloggers,

I realize to most of you who regularly read, I must sound like a broken record. I must sound like a whiny woman who is crying for the moon.

I have to tell you that this Blog is so important to me because this is the one place that I use to sound out my feelings, blow off steam without saying harmful things to people and to get som of my ideas andn opinions out there.

So therefore, if I seem repetitive, you need to chalk it up to the blow off steam and sound out my feelings portion of "why I blog". And while it is important to me that my readers, um, read, it is actualy more important that I get what I have to say off my chest.

I think the reason that I am overall handling these massive challenges that are coming at me all at once, better than I normally do, is because I blog. I put my feelings and opinions down and when I am done, I can walk away feeling better. I think more clearly and see the situation that may be bothering me slightly more objectively.

So I will start today by thanking you all for you patience, love and support.

****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Situations demanding my attention that cause me stress:

On Being President:

I have decided officially that I am not going to be president. I have no guilt feelings over this decision. It is the right one for me and I will stand by it. I am not afraid to tell my friends AND family that I just don't wish to hold that position. I have never wanted it and taking it on with out the desire, is just foolish. An not fair to the group.

On Feeling Foolish and Getting and Giving Help:

I am not embarassed or ashamed that I went to my priest for help and support. He asked me some questions that I knew were coming... I don't think I would have phrased them the same way, but thats neither here nor there. He acknowledged what he saw ( which is what everyone who has been in contact has seen) and understood why I remain involved in the situation at all. He also understands that what happened 10 years ago really plays a major part in what is happening today. Based on all the history and the current triangle / pay it forward / family illnesses situation, I have temporarily decided to wait and see. I can't and will not do this forever as my sanity cannot tolerate that. If I must, I will issue my ultimatum and fade silently away for awhile. I don't wish to do that. By doing that, I will inflict more pain on someone who is already tortured. I can't live with that even if it is the right thing to do for myself. I can't sacrifice someone else for my happiness. and Certainly not someone that I love. This topic is going to crop up now and again and I beg your indulgence on it as I am really not as good at this as I wish I were. I have wonderful friends, but I fear they are tired of listening to me.

Health:

I am continuing to exercize and eat right. I owe that to myself. I am looking better, my eyes are now adjusted to the contacts and I really like them. I tore one in half during my dress reahearsal and didn't even notice that half was stuffed in the corner of my eye! That was too funny.... My B/P continues to average right in the normal area.

Music:

My director is resigning tonight after our performance. He is sick of hte politics and the crap that is going on and I do not blame him. This is Romper Room for adults with some Choral MAsterworks thrown in. Depending on what happens with a new director ( A friend of mine was put up for the job already) I will completely support her but I am going to warn her, once she decides, what she is dealing with. This crew has never done that and I don't think it's fair. So I will do it myself and arm her with the information up front.

Family:

My stepmom is going to be very agnry and upset with me after this weekend. I really feel badly that I don't care that much. It's not that I don't care about her, but her reasons will be superficial and she will handle it by badmouthing me behind my back. I wish I could care abouot that, but I really can't. She will get one warning if I hear it, and then after that, she is on her own. I don't have that much tolerance these days.

Please do not mistake this for "A plan checkpoint". It's not. It's just me outlining the area's in my life that are causing me stress and where I am at.

If I take everything else away - the reason I went to see my priest is the biggest one weighing on my mind.

I hope everyone enjoys a Happy Mothers Day!

On Being President

I recieved a call today. One I wasn't happy to get.

My local Kiwanis chapter wants me to be president.

Now I should tell you that they want me to be president so that my step mom WON'T be.

I have made this statement loud and clear from every mountaintop available. I WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT WHILE SHE IS ALIVE AND ACTIVE IN THE CLUB.

Because she was a successful president 3x. And a Lt. Gov for the District. And now PR and training for the state.

Being President requires an immense amount of work, time, effort and money. I have effort. I can't afford the time. I can't afford the finance. I would love the publicity. But I don't want it if I don't earn it.

So here are my list of pro's and con's:

Pros:

• I am good at leadership
• I can hand pick my secretary
• I get a big party in my honor
• Twice
• Lots of good photo ops
• Lots of good ops to do community service
• I get a slush fund of some reasonable amount to use as I see fit
• I have "supposedly" a wonderful support system and can request my board.

Cons:

• I nevver wanted to be president
• If I don't do everything the way step mom did, I am guaranteed to be subject to criticsm by her for the rest of my natural life
• I can't be the president that does everything - and she was
• I don't have the financial means to do the job the right way
• While yes, I have the support system, this group of 75 members only has about 10 that do the work
• That ten can't compensate for a president that can't be there for everything
• It's an enormous time commitment and I work two jobs.
• I have so many stress elements right now that adding to it with this is causing me great anxiety and
• Having guilt tossed at me that the club will fold if I don't step to plate is cruel.
• I don't like the "it's you or HER" attitude either
• If one MORE person calls me to convince me I will shoot them personally.
• I can't eat out that much. It's not good or healthy for me. Seriously I know this is stupid one....lol

As you can see, I have more cons than pros. My gutt says DO NOT DO THIS. Having people rely on me to do it is very hard to deal with.

I am all twisted and tangled here. I am now shelving the topic until Sunday. NO more thinking or discussing it. The answer will show itself on Sunday.

On trying to get my emotional act together

I need to start out by saying that I feel physically good.

I am losing weight pretty nicely at this point - almost 10LBs down.

The activity is ramped up nicely.... I have added upper body weights to the mix 3 times a week.

I put in my green contacts and the most popular compliment that I am getting is that they look natural on me. It really shouldn't be a stretch given that my eyes are hazel and the green that I chose is the same green as the flecks in my real eyes.

I am dressing more figure appropriate. I used to try and hide my figure because I idn't like it, but not anymore....

I had my counseling session. I am grateful that I had it. It didn't tell me anything new, I didn't gain any major insites. All that happened was he forced me to say out loud to another human being what I had already mentally come around to. I didn't and still don't like it. I am not comfortable with it. Not yet and maybe not ever. We'll see how this goes.

I reallly don't want to divulge too muchc more of my counseling session. It's more personal than I am prepared to go. But he is praying for me and my situation and for me that's truly an important thing. I need all the help I can get right now.

The truth is, I am doing OK on the day to day. I am still watching what I eat, working out when my emotional heart is tired and hurting, in fact, I work my poor body to the point where I can't remember what was bothering me without a struggle. It certainly enables me to sleep well at night. I guess that's endorphins though I have never actually experienced that high. I am checking my b/p 2 times a day. all within normal limits by the way. I am teaching my kids and taking care of my skin and doing my hair and makeup. I am managing my allergies.

And what is this going to net me in the end?

If I am honest with myself, I am not motivated by internal fire. Not by a stretch. Well it is an actual internal fire, but not the self improvement kind. I am using it to that end to occupy my time so I don't retreat and crawl into my shell.

I am kind of touchy right now too. I am injured by the slightest thing - both real and imagined. My emotions are sadly that close to the surface. If I call or email someone and they don't return the email/call, I may think that they are busy but I may just as easily think they are upset and angry with me. I know it's irrational and a little bit cuckoo - but this how I go.

The difference between this happening to me in my 20's and this happening to me slightly older, is I am using more logic and less emotion. Not NONE - please note. Just less.

I didn't cry today. I think that's a big improvement.

Oh and it hasn't escaped my notice that I have been on a whining spree lately.

Deal with it - it's my blog.

I KNEW I wasn't dead yet

I received my blood pressure monitor two days ago.

Now, I don't know WHAT I was thinking about when I bought it. The doctors who take my blood pressure can't even get a reading most of the time till they do it two or three times.

So why did I think I could get a reading in my own house???? Duh.

Well I re-read the directions 3 more times today after reading them over and over and following the diagrams.

It turns out I was using it incorrectly. I got my first reading this evening after an extraordinarily stressful day.

I was anticipating the worst. But the worst was the 160/110 that I had the day of the positive pap.

Tonight, after emotional stress, a hideous day, decisions that need to be made but don't know how, a counseling session that I am unprepared to discuss right now....

131/79.

For a stressful day - that's not too damn bad.

So I will take it again tomorrow morning after I wake up which is recommended. I will monitor it for another 7 days and then fill my prescription that I needed to hold off on.

I always joke with the doctors that I was dead.

Clearly I am not.

On Feeling foolish

I have to tell you, I have been really looking forward to meeting with Father Christopher tomorrow. All week... well, all month really.

And now here I am, the night before the appointment, feeling foolish and stupid that I am going to him for help on dealing with these life situations.

I realize that there is no reason to feel stupid and foolish. Really I know. I get it.

And yet, here I am, anxious and feeling really stupid and pitiful.

Oh - I should add - this isn't my first time talking to him. It's not. Not by a long stretch.

So why now?

I think the main problem is that in this area I should be able to handle myself. At my age, I should be able to handle this situation myself.

But I can't.

I want to. I really do. But hell, I know when to call it. It's a month in and I Can't manage it. I have too many conflicting ideas, too many conflicting emotions, too many ulitimatums ( none of which are mine or meant for me) and way too much history to navigate this without help.

So why do I feel idiotic? Seriously? And I feel stupid talking to someone I care about and trust? Someone who cares about me ?

I think it's the expectation of being strong and independent. I am both of those. But I think that being strong and independent also includes knowing when you need help and having the strength to ask for it.

I was strong enough to ask for it but I find myself waffling and wanting to cancel. I won't, because if I do I know I will regret it. And I really do want to talk to him.

I will keep the appointment. But I really feel foolish.

On Communication and Honesty

It is no secret to most of you why I am in the field that I am in . Both of them in fact,

My primary career is in Communications. Telecommunications in fact. I hold a position that interface directly with Fortune 100 companies. No easy task. But one that I am good with.

When we first graduated college, Bernie's wife gave me a set of stationary ( which I still have some of left) because I was the one who kept in touch with everyone.

I will tell you that, while that is true to a degree, I have a tendancy to cut people out who don't return my communications. THey don't have to be in the same format.... If I make a call, and the return is via email.... that's OK - not forever but that's OK. I like email for little things, but I hate to type, so if I have a lot that needs to be discussed, I make the calls.

I was raised on speaking your mind and saying how you feel. To be truthful even as a child, I was never comfortable with the level of it that went on in my mom's home. But I do not regret the exposure. Because of it, when push really came to shove, I was able to voice the feelings that were buried deep in my heart. The good ones AND the bad ones.

I was able to say out loud to my brother, that I KNOW that my dad and I didn't rebuild our relationship after the divorce until was in my early 20's. And if we didn't have the music, who knows how long that would have taken.

Wiht my dad, it was not so much what he did say, but what was left unsaid. He never failed to tell me that he loved me. I believed him then as I do now. Without a doubt. But when I dated someone, he would never offer me an opinion. He would just say nothing.

I had fallen in love with someone many years ago. It was a person that my dad knew from another place and time. A person that my dad liked very much. But he didn't like his daughter dating him. Or so I found out AFTER my dad died. I had no idea. He never said anyhting, implied anything, not a hint, not a breath, not a look.

That, to me, is both good and bad. I would have thought that when we broke up, my dad would have said something. But it was left up to my step mom to tell me after he died. And then it was collaborated by another friend of the family ( Diva).

That bothered me a lot. Because my dad was a very smart man. But the omission felt like a stab to hear it after he was gone. I couldn't challenge him in any way.

I am an honest person for the most part. I can't claim complete honesty. I will omit so as not to hurt when I have no other way to "say something nice or not at all". I won't lie directly about it. I just won't answer the questions. But when it comes down to speaking my mind and speaking my feelings, I am much better at it now than I ever was. There's a lot at stake in my personal life right now which may have contributed to it.

But I don't think I can claim my current situation as the reason I am better able to communicate my feelings. I think it's my friends who have helped teach me about this. recently, as we get older and are losing parents, grandparents, sblings etc.... we have started telling one another how we feel more frequently.

I notice it a lot of my college buds - not a week goes by without us writing, Im'ing or saying it to each other or to VM that we loev ( or love if any of us could type) one another. I notice it more now than before.

With my crew here locally, we do the same things. Only they can type ( I can't.) :-)

I am more demonstrative than I was before too. I was never the huggy kissy type - I notice that I am now.

What I noticed about ME is that my communication and honesty really started after 9-11. Not knowing what was going to happen to me that day, being in NYC not far from the blast. Getting home and thanking God that everyone I knew was safe. Almost.

I believe in communication and more so now than ever before. I never fail to tell my family and friends that I love them. I never fail to tell the person most important to me that I love them too. I say it to my pets.

If you feel it, you should say it. If it's in your heart, put it on your lips.

You may not have the chance again.

On Piano emergencies

Today was a much better day than yesterday. Work was work... nothing out of line there. Project is not going the way that I want it to, but my customer can't get out of his own way so there is really very little I can about it, other than document the inconsistencies and lack of response.

I had a board meeting for community service group that I belong to. It was a good meeting, really short in the grand scheme of these meetings. I'm feeling OK about everything that's going on at this time with this crew. We even had a little bit of fun!

ON my way home, I noticed that my phone was vibrating. My identical voice twin had called... and she was in a restaurant that I was just driving past and she was having herself a good drink and fried food. HAving recently been in that position and knowing the day she's had, I really couldn't blame her. She asked me to come keep her company.

So I pulled in, found her and started leafing through her music. You see, she had to find an emergency replacement for her accompanist. She called every one she could think of, in fact she made 21 calls in an hour! One her friends came through for her in the end which was wonderful.

Hence the mudslide.

and the Mozzerella sticks.

So we talk about the music for her chorus - all awesome tunes! She is really fortunate to have the talent in her school to be able to pull these off so wonderfully. They are tough tunes some of them, but I trust her judgement. If they can do it, I think it's amazing and wonderful. It proves my gutt feeling in the kind of teacher she is. She inately knows the overall talent of the group and chooses music that is challenging - very in some cases - and then teaches them the tools to learn the music. While using the music itself as a tool. Very progressive for a young teacher. Very impressive if her adminstration is paying attention at all.

But she had a panic ridden stressy day. We've all been there. So I stayed and talked with her about all kinds of things - some things about me, some about another friend of mine in the same business, our teacher, her kids, her accompanist, the waitress, her birthday gift ( Nice job !).

We left about an hour later with her still wanting to hit something - I promptly danced away! She meant the batting cages but that's ok. I understand the frustration. I work out and do horrible exercizes to my body till I can't walk now in order to relieve stress. It does pay off in the end as my weight is coming down and I look and feel better.

I drove home and was thinking about how I used to be the "baby". All my older friends you used to sit there and counsel me and make me feel better. And Now I am doing that for someone younger. Someone who is a lot like me. Braver perhaps.... certainly has some additional courage that I never had at that age.

I kind of like it.

On getting help and giving help

"OK, lady, tell me what's going on. I saw tears from the choir loft." Father Christopher said.

"I didn't think anyone noticed. Rather - I hoped that no one would have noticed. My emotions are really close to the surface right now." I said.

"Does this have to do with anyone with the initial "S'? " He asked

" NO - she and I are fine. nothing amiss between stepmom and I" I countered

"OK, lets make an appointment and talk. This isn't like you. " He pulls out his palm pilot.

I love that priest has a palm pilot. I think that's a hoot - we did discuss the pro's and cons of a blackberry also.


"What's good for you? " He asks

"Anytime, I'm flexible" from me

He looks me up and down and winks.

"I do pilates now" I said Laughing

"really.... you look good. How's Wednesday? Morning? He asks. He puts a hand on my shoulder

I start to cry again. I put my sunglasses on.

"Wednesday is good, I can make that. I'm sorry, this is really close to the surface right now" I sniffle

"It's OK, you want to hide, I get that. I do that too. " He says. " So I'll see you on Wednesday morning - OK? "

I nod as another parishioner came over to talk to him. She hugged me and thanked me for my kind words when she got pinned at our Kiwanis meeting earlier in the week. I had dedicated some money in the freewill offering in happiness that she got pinned. Behind my sunglasses, the tears were still flowing freely. But she nicely didn't notice.

I pulled away from her and Fr. Christopher says "I'll talk with you Wed. Its all good!"

I lean over and I say "This isn't my normal topics. This one is about a man" I say.

He clapped his hands in glee - " I can't WAIT to hear this one"

I do just love a priest with a sense of humor. I also love that he's my age. It makes our counseling sessions more like friends hanging out and talking. Though he does make me think and answer questions I would rather not acknowledge at all most of the time.

"I have been waiting for you to come back." I said "Don't go away that long again. Even on the bishops dime"

That generates a laugh on his part.

As I leave to go teach, I realize that I have to get my game face on. Can't face a 10 year old while in tears. So I have some water as I sit in the car. I relax and think about my other friend K. She and I have the same name and the same birthday. She's in hell with her job. She loves her craft but hates the district that she is currently working in. I feel her pain. In this region, the more money a school district has, the more likely it is that the teachers are going to have to deal with kids and parents that have the attitude of self entitlement. My niece is one of her students. She doesn't suffer from that particular syndrome but so many of her classmates do.

My poor friend just got verbally abused at the solo festival that we have been prepping kids diligently for the last few months. She got verbally abused by three seemingly mature adult teachers at least 10-15 years our senior. She was reduced to tears, which is not normal for her. Been there, done that. All I could do was give her a hug. I invited her over for a glass of wine or tea. She said, not today, but definitely next weekend. She said she needs another friend who can help her through this that understands our business. She wants to get her doctorate but it's an audition only scenario and she needs more experience before the programs will accept her. I've seen her work and seriously these programs would be just damn foolish for not accepting her. But I know ther pre-reqs as well as she does and the C/V needs tweaking with more experience so we are going to brainstorm a bit.

What goes around comes around. Even on good things like asking for and receiving help,. And giving help when you are the qualified individual.

There are several future posts to come out of both scenarios here. These are both potentially volatile situations.

There is no shame in asking for help. Be it from a friend. Or a minister. Or a qualified professional. or even a family member. Human being's are raised to be independent and not need nor ask for help. But Human Beings are social creatures and are not created to know everything. They were created to learn. IN order to learn, questions must be asked. Help for what you don't understand must be sought. It is not shameful, it is not weak. If anything, asking for help when you need it is SMART. It shows intelligence and shows that you know your own mind welll enough.

I feel better just for having an appointment on the calendar. And I feel good that I am in a position to help a friend. Most of all I feel that I can discuss my issues without fear and without judgement. It's not confession - there is no confessing here. This is just simple counseling. Plain and simple.

I just need objective help here. My trusted friends who know, I value and respect all the opinions that have been offered, all the support, the caring, compassion and love. This has nothing to do with any of that. I just need to talk it out with someone who's going to help me sort out what's in my head and heart right now.

It's going to be OK. I know it is.

On yet another Weight loss Victory and motivations

"Will you be weighing in today?"

These are the famous words of the wonderful women who work at Weight watchers.

They are all fantastic people and in the event you aren't aware - one cannot be employed at Weight watchers as a leader or reception or anywhere that interfaces with the public unless you have been a weight watcher and are at goal weight.

I love the idea that the women who weigh me have been on my side of the scale. That's one of the most important reasons that I stay with this group. That and the program is the the healthiest one out there and has the most long term successes. Somehow the scales of justice seem in my favor knowing that these people have walked in my shoes.

So I have no particular favorite, though I used to. I have discovered that all scales are actually created equal and there is no validity to "waiting for the one that usually shows the loss"

I did that for a lot of years.

If you want to show a loss, you need to follow the program and attend meetings.

Not that I am trying to be a commercial here - I could so easily break into "be an After, stay an after".... and all the hoopla that goes along with that.

But I am my own walking advertisement. I lost at the scale this week 4.4 lbs.

To be fair, I didn't weigh in last week as I had way too many things going on what with work and a 70's party that night.

I can't really say that this is working because all of a sudden "I got it". I didn't get "it" at all. When you go from no romance in your life to some, even if it's not in the way you want it, the motivation level goes up. And you feel better about yourself and feel more attractive.

Especially when they are watching you from behind as you saunter out of the bar the night before you weigh in. and comment positively on what was seen... I admit it - I LOVED that.

No matter how good or bad the reason for the motiviation is, I am channeling the energy that it generates into myself and all the improvements it can make on me.

Regardless of the reason - I lost 4.4 lbs. And I am looking and feeling FANTASTIC.

ON exercize solving problems

I love the movie "The First Wives Club " What better cast than Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn and Bette Middler????

With a Cameo by Stockard Channing? An Sarah Jessica Parker - to name a few???

It was destined for greatness.

In this film, The three main characters + Stockard Channing are college chums that have been divorced by their first husband's having been the driving force help them reach their success and have joined forces to make them pay.

In the film, Goldie Hawn the alcoholic, self absorbed Movie star gets on her treadmill while talking over how to get Bette Middler's husband's books for his business.

Bette looks at her and says "doesn't it drive you crazy? You climb and climb and get nowhere, you run and run and your always in the same place"

Goldie responds "No, I always feel great after this. I work off the booze and I get my best ideas while I am working out"

Bette: " Sure you do - I KNOW where Mortie's books are - they are in his home office - but how to get up there?"

Goldie: "Duardo"

Bette: "What?"

Goldie: "Duardo. He's an INterior decorator isn't He??? You work for him don't you?"

Bette: "Oh my God - She DOES get good ideas when she works out!"

********--********--********--********--********--********--********--********--

The reason for this dialogue is simple.

I feel better after a workout. A serious one in which I work to complete physical exhaustion. I do this in some format every single day. I work my muscles to muscle fatigue.

And when I am done, I think more clearly. I see things that were stressing me more objectively and I am a much nicer person to be around.

I am in a bit of a waiting period. I don't DO waiting very well. (Bernie, Maple and AM - STOP LAUGHING!!!! ) I don't have that kind of patience though God knows, I am really making an effort here.

So I fill my time with projects, exercize, teaching my kidlettes, practicing, reading, talking to friends, playing with my cats.

I find that the exercize is what really does it for me. With my emotions so close to the surface right now, and not having the outlet I really need for them, I am immersing myself in my total body makeover.

I must tell you that I feel phenomenal physically. I haven't felt this good in a long time. The allergies are better even with High pollen count.

You all know how much I hate to exercize.... I really do. But I will tell you, as a means for emotional release - this is not a bad way to go. and the nice byproducts are you sleep well AND you look good!

And I am down ANOTHER pound!

Yay ME!

The Plan: Month 4

As I close out Month 4, I want to give a couple of people some special thanks:

Lisa, Post-Doc, Titles, Berni e , Maplemama, and Am. You guys were really supportive and great when I was hitting the wall on my medical tests.

Now that we are passed that...

Scenario 1 - Health

• Exercise: I am kicking some serious ass here. I am doing Pilates 3 times a week and getting much better at it. I can do most of the exercizes better now than when I started 2 weeks ago and have added part of a really hard one. I have added 10 minutes of serious ab work every day and push-ups ( modified ) until I can't do them anymore ( somewhere around 25)..... I also walk 2 miles on the off days.
• Food - Clothing fits better - I am comfortable in my eating system. Now I am trying to be healthier about it. I am adding back more fruits and veggies. Tons of water. I am really doing well here and am seeing the results at the scale.
• Journal - I am journaling every single day. Every bite of food, every bit of activity. I have added a space for my daily weight taken in the morning. My daily resting heart rate. Once my B lood presure monitor gets here I will add that too.
• Overall Health Management - I had some challenges with a positive pap on my last OB/GYN visit. I was fortunate that the second test a few days later revealed a false positive but to play it safe I am getting quarterly paps for the next 12 months. Additionally after the second pap, they took by blood pressure again which was extremely high. The week before it was extremely normal. It has me a little bit worried that it's more than just stress but I will manage it and watch it just in case though I suspect it is all stress related. I have a LOT of that right now.

Scenario 2 - Job/Career

• Project is going OK. It could be going better to be honest. but it could be going worse. I am working reallly hard to make things happen on this and slowly but surely they are making their way home. I am not bothering with leader and that crap. I just don't care. I don't have time to care. In the grand scheme it's not as important.

Scenario 3 - My home

• House is Clean. House is somewhat organized. I'm looking at organizing my hall closet this weekend.

Scenario 4 - finances

• I had a tax refund YAY.
• I had to pay something back to the IRS that came out of my refund. That's OK too.
• I have some DMV things to deal with still.
• Otherwise all is OK.

Scenario 5 - Education

• 2 of my kids came back with 27's out of 28 on their solo's. First time they went and they went on level 3 out of 6. I couldn't be prouder of them.
• I am scheduled to take the adjudication courses next year ( The sign up was over by the time I found about it...)
• Still studying voice and doing well. I'm on hiatus performance -wise for awhile.
  

Scenario 6 - Family & Friends

• Things are OK here.
• I hosted a Murder Mystery in my house - went really well.
• I attended a 70's party at a friends house - also went well - mostly.
• I am spending more time with a friend lately. Someone important to me.

Scenario 7 - Self esteem

• I had some chinese food at PF Changs the other day. One of best friend's, jenna, made me eat when I was too depressed to even think about food. I will have to say "memo to self - that was some good stuff!"
• My self Esteem took some hits this month. Not in the way that you think though. Some were really positive and amazing. Some were less so. I live my life better when I am in the middle. The peaks and valleys make me insane.
• Life lessons are taking hold, I am already caught up and behind again. It's not that I am not doing the work, I am just not writing it down. I am reading a new book that always boosts my self esteem and confidence. It's called A bombshells guide to life.
• I am spending more time telling myself that I am beautiful. I am told that by others, but I can't believe them until I believe it. So I continue to dress and do my hair and put on my lipstick, but I am attractive even if I am just lounging in my home. I just have to remember that.
• I have had someone in my life tell me that I am beautiful of late. It's meant a lot.
• I am doing my life Makeovers. This is a great help for putting my life in order.
  

Scenario - Faith

• I have been meditating lately. It's really restful and peaceful. It makes me realize I am but a small dot in the world but it also makes me realize how important I am.
• I have been praying a lot too.
• My prayers have 3 forms. One in which I as forgiveness for things that I have done or didn't do that should have been either thought through better, executed better or not at all. Some things are stupid.... others made sense at the time - you get my drift. The other form is parying for those that need prayers - I have a long list and if you need to be added or someone who does, let me know. I also add the real serious ones to the prayer list in my church. Lastly I pray for me. For the things that I want and need in my life. I have only one item in there right now.

Scenario - Inner Goddess

• Eyelash extensions which elimate the need for perming, tinting and mascara. they are an expensive application but it's a one time gig. After that it's just maintenance
• I recieved my green contacts in the mail. Can't wait to try them!
• I have scheduled my hair to be done in May. Highlighting and cut.
• I am planning on a massage and a facial for June and July.
• I am making an appointment with the dentist to make some adjustments to my teeth.
• I am making a followup appointment with the dermatologist to change up the allergy meds I am on. they are simply not addressing the allergies the way they need to. In the interim, he has me doubling up the dosage but cutting back from 3x a day to twice. I am already feeling better.
• I have a pedicure planned for May.

I think I have made some major progress this month and I owe it to a lot of unsettlement in my life. It lit a fire under me.

whatever it takes- right?

The gift of love - a Daily Meditation

I have a book for daily meditations for people who worry too much. It was written by Anne Wilson Schaef.

I didn't buy it intentionally.

I used to belong to a book club and totally forgot to send the card in that I didn't want that book. So it came and it sat on my coffee table for years. Since 1996 in fact. I picked it up - 7 years ago to be honest - and read the days randomly as needed. The book works like this - you look up todays date (without the year), you read the passage and meditate on it.

We are in the middle of a huge thunder and lightening storm right now, one of my favorite things in the world. It started right around the time that I normally pray and meditate. So I open the book to May 1. And this is what came up to greet me.

The Gift of Love
"When have I not been dreading dangers more grievous than the reality? Love is a thing replete with anxious fears. "

Penelope

It's sad, isn't it, that one of the greatest gifts we have as human beings (not that this gift is exclusive to humans!), the gift of loving and being loved, is so replete with anxieties. It is difficult to remember that love is always a gift. We cannot make our children love us no matter how we try. We cannot make anyone love us no matter how we try. We canoot make our friends love us, nor the man or woman we think we want as a spouse.

The Loving itself is not "replete with anxious fears." It is the belief that we can control love that results in anxiety. When we believe that we can control love, we always have to be on red alert, lest in a moment of inattention someone snatches it or it goes away. When it is our responsibility to keep it there, we can never rest.

When I remember that love is a gift, I can relax and enjoy it.


I meditated on this and how it applies to my life. Then I prayed for the things that I need, I spent a lot of time praying for one thing that I want. Then I began my prayers for others. In that time, it occured to me that this gift of love is truly rare and I personally, until recently, was not open to it as I should have been.

I mean all kinds of love.

I am truly a blessed person in that I have a wonderful family and an amazing network of friends. I love all of them so much. And I really don't expect that they all love me. But they do.
I have never believed that I needed a man to complete me. ( SO Jerry Maguire). I wanted one, but didn't need one. A Partner is nice, but not required.

But is that really so? I discovered that I can live without someone, but I really don't want to. I also discovered that burying my feelings and hoping they will go away, can work for a really long time, but it is a short path to shutting down.

That's where I have been for quite awhile. Shut down. Walls I didn't want to build were built without my knowledge. One day I woke up and they were there. who built them? where did they come from ?


I know now where they came from. Me. I know why and with whom and on what date that construction job started. So, I had a long talk with God tonight, we talked about a lot of things - well I talked, he listened. I hope. Amongst the thunder and lightning strikes, I asked for forgiveness on a couple of things that I could have done differently and certainly better. Then I talked about love and what I am looking for and wanting. I begged for strength to be patient, strength to have the courage of my convictions when and if it is needed. I begged for divine intervention in the area of love in my life.

And in my love life.

In effect, I am putting all my eggs in that divine basket. That basket will go up on a shelf. It will be meditated and prayed on once per day. Eventually those prayers will be answered. Prayers always are - maybe not the solution you wanted, but one will be provided. I heard that many years ago from a friend in college - he was right then and he's right now.

Love is a gift. In any form.

Enjoy those you love.

On relief

The call just came.

The test is negative.

I'm reasonably sure that my b/p is officially normal NOW.

I do have to go quarterly for 12 months to be sure that the negative stays negative. I have inquired about Gardisil and after 12 months of negative readings, I can have that vaccine should I decide to. I will keep a watch on the stats between now and then and make a more informed decision when we get there. I am leaning towards it since there is a history in our family.

Meanwhile just to maintain the B /P, I bought a wrist monitor. It should arrive in a day or two and then I will continue to monitor that. I am going to take my meds anyway because, though the doctor thinks it could cause heart attack, my primary care suggested that my body may be overstressed by going off them for the first time in 15 years. I will also add that I have several friends who expressed that same opinion. I am going to follow that one as it made sense to me as well.

I am going back to my regularly scheduled activities. I will be exercizing as normal, eating the way that I was and taking care of myself. I mean in the worst case, if the b/p is not circumstantial ( and I find that hard to believe), those things can only bring it down not up. I slept last night. It wasn't an award winning sleep, but I did manage to only wake up once at 3AM. I notice that lately I am waking up between 3-4 AM and I think that is largely due to my disrupted sleep schedule.

We are back on the bandwagon.

I can't tell you how I appreciate all of your support and prayers and caring. It's really made this a little bit easier for me, though to see me yesterday you wouldn't know it! I think my body is still 20 years old and this to me was my body saying "uh.... not so much kid!"

You see, I"m the last person on earth to be an alarmist. Not about me, or anyone else. Someone gets sick or a diagnosis comes back, I'm the one who stands back and looks objectively. I say the right words and provide defense and strength. One of my secret ( well not anymore) fears was that one of those kids of things would happen to me and I wouldn't get that kind of support back.

And I was dead on wrong. I got more than I expected and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

So back to basics again. I am eating a bit more than I have been - which is a good thing because I was eating next to nothing for a few days. I have upped that into 2-3 tiny meals of healthy foods.

I'm going to be OK. And that's what counts.

On fear

I had an entirely different post prepared for today when my life changed somewhat dramatically.

At 8Am, my phone rang. It was my Ob/Gyn. I had been there last week for a routine appointment.

My pap came back positive.

Pre-cancerous cells. On my cervix.

Oh and we have an appointment for you at 2:15 PM, please come in so we can do a second test.

I go about my day, have my coffee, get on my conference calls, get verbally abused by the customer, then I go to the doctor.

Before I left I dropped an email about the situation to someone close to me. Someone who needed to know.

Then I got my self into my car, and went to the doctor.

Everything was normal, same routine, same everything. He told me I looked OK but visuals aren't conclusive and I shouldn't worry until the test comes back. That should be Thursday at the latest. If it is, I come back in for the biopsy. then its a quick laser procedure. If it's negative, he wants me to come in quarterly for the next 12 months just to be safe.

Then he sends the nurse in to take my blood pressure.

I suffer from white coat syndrome in the first place. Secondly when I am under stress, it shows in my blood pressure. So when it came back as 160/110 I was hardly surprised. Upset but surprised. The doctor comes out to the nurses station and says "That's kind of high kid"

"My life is a bit of a mess right now. If you recall the last time my life was this stressful, my dad was in surgery that was life or death and died the following week. That week, I was here, and it was 160/110" I whine

"All the same, I want you off the pills for 30 days. We need to get your bp down in the normal range or you could have a heart attack" He Says

"But this is not an accurate reading! I was JUST HERE and it was 120/80!" I start to cry. Now I am actually feeling chest pains - gee thanks for suggesting THAT!

He hands me the scripts and says "I'm trusting you. Don't take them for a month, get your b/p straightened out and fll the scripts."

" Oh and don't worry about the pap. I doubt this one is coming back positive again. Just go home and relax. Have your husband order dinner out. "

My husband??? Unless he thinks my cats can dial phones - that ain't happening.

So now, I have to decide. Do I tell my family? My friends? What? So I decide not to mention it to my parents or siblings until the second pap results are in. No need for them to worry right away. I tell a couple of friends that I am very close to. And I await the phone call back.

I took a nap at 6:30 quite unintentionally. The chest pains caused by stress and suggestion were really worrying me. And as predicted were gone upon waking.

I know meditation is working and so is the prayer and exercize. I FEEL better overall. This can't be happening to me. I'm working so hard ot get healthy. And I know this is common and it happens to people all the time, but this is MY body and MY life.

I know that I will be OK. But How much more do I need to deal with???

On Old Messages

I went out with my best friend last night to a Scrubz party. These are Spa treatments made with crystal sugar and essential oils.

The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.

I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.

I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.

She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.

We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.

Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.

Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.

I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.

The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.

I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.

On Old Messages

I went out with my best friend last night to a Scrubz party. These are Spa treatments made with crystal sugar and essential oils.

The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.

I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.

I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.

She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.

We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.

Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.

Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.

I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.

The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.

I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.

On Decision Making

As many of you know, I am struggling with a personal situation. I don't want to whine about it and I'm not anymore.

Earlier in the week, I got a call regarding it, a call that I consider to be simply "beige". But that's OK. I was and am OK with that.

I had a face to face on it last night. And all the questions I had have been answered for now to best of both parties abilities. I have to now decide how do I want to proceed.

Not being especially good at making good decisions for me especially when they are about me, I've come to another impasse.

One thing I've noticed and learned about myself is I am in big hurry to make the decision and move on. That doesn't work as well all the time. So I've decided to step back and observe some more and sleep on it a bit. I am finding that if I force the issues and force the decisions - even just for me - I don't end up with things the way I want them to be. I just box myself in.

So, in the spirit of growth, I took a step back after the face to face, which went really well and really not. But it was an honest exchange which is what I really was hoping to have. I am very short on sleep so I am not making any decisions now. I am putting the whole experience in my personal journal for later reference. Then I will just see how things go while I continue to take care of me.

I am partially using my technique for wisdom - the one where you put the problem on a shelf and dust it off on a specific time and notice the solution is sitting there too? I put the problem on the shelf and I guess my shelf has a number of problems sitting on it, because when I went back to look I had a solution to a different problem for work sitting there. Kind of funny I thought.

But I won't even think about this before next weekend. I just won't. I need to time to investigate what's important to me.

I will acknowledge that I did not walk yesterday nor do my pilates today which means I need to do both Saturday and Sunday to make up for the lost time. I am not letting anything slip because of this situation. And this too will pass.

I am getting better at this whole thing I think. I am just living in some level of confusion. But that too will pass. Sooner rather than later.

I'm really kind of proud of myself. I used to be the girl who didn't stick up for herself and caved to everyone elses demands, I didn't do that last night. I was very specific and very clear.

"It'll all work out alright"

On WTF?????

I can't make up my mind.

I just do not get it.

But on the other hand I do.

I need to sleep.

Later.

On doing pilates

I'm on my third day of pilates. It should be easier.

Ha

I will say this, my prone position is finally correct, my spine is angled right, my abs - or powerhouse - aligned properly and it's comfortable.

That is pretty much where it ends. There are 3 exercizes I cannot do it all. I don't recall a time in life, thin or not, when I could do those things. But I continue to persevere. I will get as close as possible.

I did the full hour today. I don't actually ache. At all.

Weight is still going down and I am eating really well. I am feeling good. I am sleeping well.

Everything is going well for me. Well, not EVERYTHING.

I noticed that leader is starting to work my last nerves again. I find that funny - that must mean other things that were taking the focus away from leaders craziness are going better.

I am still doing my meditations and I really am starting to get it. Then I am praying quite a bit.

Things are a lot smoother.... I like it this way though it does tend to give the blog some boring stories!

On a lovely nature meditation

This afternoon I got blown off by a student.

They weren't just late - they were REALLY late.

I arrived early to their home at 6:10. I rang the bell and got no answer.

So I figured they were enroute, so I sat myself down on the front steps, turned on my IPOD and watched the sun set.

It wasn't a terribly unique or colorful sunset. There wasn't anything truly spectacular. There was a lovely breeze and it was about 70 degrees out.

As I sat there listening to Sunday Morning by Maroon five, my sunglasses on, my eyes closed... I realized I was smiling. I was at peace and all was right with the world. And finally my mind is at ease.

It was a lovely 30 minutes that I sat there. I just kind of let my mind go blank and thought of nothing but the actual moment I was in. It was wonderful and peaceful. And the first meditation where my mind wasn't wandering in a thousand and one directions.

I walked away from that house, having not taught the lesson, having no actual communications with the family and not in the least bit worried about it. I left them a message and will go back on Thursday.

That call that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks came in this afternoon. When the phone rang, I actually looked at twice, dumbfounded. I wasn't actually expecting it to come so quickly. Once I made my decision to not worry about it, it got easier. So when it came, I was able to be proactive rather than reactive. It went much better than I thought it would. The impasse is still there, but it's breaking down slowly.

If God exists, he exists in moments like these.

On crushes

Remember your first crush? How about one more recent?

I do. He was wonderful. So cute and a wonderful person. He was a year ahead of me at prep.

I realized today in talking with a student who has her first crush, how much this boy taught me when I was in school. To be sure, she is 10 and I was 13, but whatever - times they are a changin'.

We'll call my crush Richard. He was taller than I am ( not a stretch even now), same color hair and wonderful blue eyes. He was slim but not string beany. I met him in band. I played the flute, he played a brass intrument ( his primary source of income today incidentally).

We got to talking one early morning before school started, because I had an early morning lesson and he just arrived there to watch. I wasn't terribly excited at the prospect. And I told him so. He laughed at me, and mentioned that I looked familiar.

Time marched on, and we both found ourselves at those early morning lessons, study halls and lunch periods, down in the band room, or the auditorium. Alone more often than not.

I learned how to slow dance with this boy. He would hum "the way you look tonight" and teach me to dance. Right there on the stage.

We played the silliest of games. We would walk from chair to chair in the auditorium on the arm rests, jumping over the aisles. We had good balance and sometimes not such good balance.

He loved to sit with me and run his fingers through my hair, which was at that time, down to my waist. That 80's big haired thing was completely lost on me. My hair wouldn't then nor now ever support it.

We would play duets. We would file music. We would play the perfect pitch game on the piano - he would play a note with my back turned and I would "guess" what it was. I always won. Only then I didn't know why. Now I do. We had memorized the entire movie "Arthur" with Dudley Moore and a Favorite past time on the phone was to throw out a line and see if the other person could name the next one.

After a long time of this loveliness, he decided to ask my best friend Sharon out. And she decided to accept.

I was devastated as only a teenager can truly be.

Then my best friend broke up with him.... days later at the most. He rode his bicycle ( a 12 speed we couldn't believe ANYONE our age would own something like that) to my house in the pouring rain, and cried in my arms that she had broken his heart.

I didn't say anything about my own heart and the pain I felt at what I perceived to be his deception. I was too young to know how. But not so young as to know that I won in the end.

So when my student tells me she has her first crush.... I think about the happy times before he dated Sharon. They flash to my mind immediately. I look at her face and she is glowing with happiness. Her eyes are brighter, her smile wider, she is buoyant. She has the attitude that only comes with a crush or falling in love that she can do anything.

She is very young. She is, as I said, 10. She asks me if she can sing "So in love" by Cole Porter.
I tell her that, honestly, it's not age appropriate. She can't sell it to the audience since she hasn't felt it. That's when she springs the crush on me. Evidently he is in her class and he treats her nicely.

She is beautiful. Blue eyes, blond hair.... But she carries some extra weight on her. I noticed today that she looked thinner and her clothing was different..... Ah ha - the crush! That explains EVERYTHING. Then she tells me she is a little bit tired because she woke up at 6AM today so she could exercize. I asked her what that meant - she told me she did 20 minutes on the eliptical and 20 minutes on 10 different exercizes with the ab roller and some pilates.

I commended her something awful. She is a smart young lady. so talented and so beautiful. I am really priveldged to teach her.

In talking with her, I realized that my crush on Richard was very important to me. It really gave me ground work on how I behave around men now. What I do today isn't dramatically different. Well.... I don't hop around on armrests anymore.... I'd probably break something!

The followup to this is that though he did date my best friend, he came back to me, and from there, we dated for a long time. My first crush became my first boyfriend. He treated me very well. We were good for each other.

Today he lives far away in another state. He has a family. We keep in touch periodically over the years. when he travels to NY for work, we try to get together for a drink. We're so far apart from those two middle school teens, but it's a nice piece of my history.

What I found most striking today, was how talking with my student brought it back to me in a specific relief. It suggested that there is some groundwork as to why I do some of the things that I do.

I left her smiling - we both were. She was thinking about her crush. And I was thinking about my first one. It was a lovely trip down memory lane for me and an educational one.

Just a quickie note

This is hardly a post but I have had an enormous amount of feedback regarding the publisher for my Dad's arrangement of "He's Gone Away"

It is Alfred Publishing. He's Gone Away arranged by Eric -------. For more information please comment this post with an email address and I will be happy to provide some additional information. It my be temporari;y out of print, but they will make an official copy for you for a fee if you choose to get the piece.

If I do say so myself, it's a wonderful arrangement for four part women and four part men and then in the middle its for SATB.

On tapping my inner Goddess

I forgot about that phrase.

I received a Myspace message from Jax today. She and I have corresponding that way for a week or two.

I told her all the things that I was doing for myself, and she only balked at the eyelash tinting and perming.

Hey - we can't all have perfect lashes on BOTH eyes.

So I filled her in on the rest of my "Contessa re-invention" as I like to call it. She told me that after a particularly daunting personal situation, she started tapping her own inner goddess. I had forgotten what a great phrase that was.

And it is indeed what I am doing.

I lost a 1.5 this past week - I am still floating from that victory. That's a total of 5 for 4 weeks that I have been eating differently.

I am filling ALL of my spare time with activity and work. Not Work-my-career-kind-of-work, but just things that need to be worked on for ME. Like my house, like my music, like my students, that kind of work. I have added 5 days of walking in the morning, I have now included 3 days of pilates in the afternoon.

Anything to keep my mind and body busy. It serves several purposes.

1. It keeps me from dwelling and ruminating on the personal issues in my life.
2. It keeps me fresh for the cat and mouse game I am a somewhat willing participant in
3. And It keeps the Contessa looking and feeling like a Contessa

And Let's face it - isn't that the real issue here?

Today, I took a nap. It was the BEST and most delicious nap I have had in awhile.

When I woke up, I put together a delicious glass of iced water with slice lemons and limes. And I set about looking on the internet for Green non=preseciption contact lenses.

And I found them

They aren't hideously expensive and I am finding my hazel eyes a bit boring. So I went to green.

I paid through Paypal and they will likely ship out tomorrow.

The new and Improved contessa is on her way....

Watch out world.

A melange of things

Today I had a busy and interesting day. And I like days like this because at least part of it is all about me, the other parts just include me and most of all it keeps my mind occupied.

And right now mind occupation is a good and important thing.

I had my voice lesson which was pretty good- I have so open ended questions about a performance I am supposed to do, but as I forgot to ask that's not my issue right now. I'll get it tomorrow.

So I went to Weight watchers and weighed in - 1.2 down. Very exciting - I was whistling on the way home and singing to upbeat Santana tunes ( the 70 degree weather was inspiring actually).

I got home and spent 40 minutes picking out outfits, changing. trying on new outfits. It was a tough call because I was going to a dinner party at my moms and didn't want to be too dressed up but not too casual and then there was the 20 degree swing in temperature that I needed to contend with.

I finally decide on a lovely sweater with three quarter length sleeves and horizontal stripes that alternate black, white and blue grey. Paired with black slim pants and 4 inch Black croc slides, I felt ready. Packed up my makeup and headed for my nail appointment.

Got my nails done, got waxed and had my eyelashes permed and tinted. The latter was a little bit torturous this week because my allergies were not happy, but it gave me the opportunity to practice some yoga deep breathing.

I headed to my mom's for her dinner party. Lot's of old friends and collegues. We had a lot of fun. I haven't seen these people in so long. It was lovely. We had a moment of remembrance for Rod. We ha a nice time catching up.

I left after 6 hours and drove home having eaten too much, but happy, having helped my mother in the kitchen - and she let me and didn't re-wash anything, and called an old friend I haven't talked to in 5-6 months. We caught up and agreed not to let the time get away and we're going to schedules some time to get together next week.

I have some major improvement plans for myself and I need to make some other adjustments to The plan:

1. Health:

I'm excerising more now - I have added pilates two - three times a week, walking is being ramped up to 5 days a week, core work every day.

I am eating healthier. I am shooting to get 3 dairy servings a day and 5 fruits and veggies servings.

I am keeping my portions small.

2 . Beauty:

All of the above AND

Eyelash extensions which elimate the need for perming, tinting and mascara. they are an expensive application but it's a one time gig. After that it's just maintenance.

I am getting green contacts. I have always wanted them so I am investing the money and doing it.

I have scheduled my hair to be done in May. Highlighting and cut.

I am planning on a massage and a facial for June and July.

I am making an appointment with the dentist to make some adjustments to my teeth.

I am making a followup appointment with the dermatologist to change up the allergy meds I am on. they are simply not addressing the allergies the way they need to. In the interim, he has me doubling up the dosage but cutting back from 3x a day to twice. I am already feeling better.

I am making my ob/gyn appt so I can get back on my birth control pills. My body works better on them. I went off out of necessity but that has passed and I need to go back on from a health perspective. The doctor suggested it and I agree - so I am going back soon.

I have a pedicure planned for May.

3. God

I am doing a lot of meditating. On myself and for others. I like that peaceful feeling when I am done so I am planning to make this a nightly plan.

I am planning on better attendance at church. I did not contact my priest yet on my situation but I do feel like I am in better control of it now. But as long as I continue my good relationship with God I think I will be OK for now. Not to be hokey but that's the way it is.

Going to meditate now...

A Myspace Stab to the heart and Prayer

I was poking around on Myspace yesterday - not a common occurance so much. I generally sign in and check to see if any of my posse has sent me a comment or a message then I am off to the race called life.

But last night, in the midst of some crisis in my town, involving a chopper, large searchlight and all circling the area 2 blocks south of me to 2 blocks east of me, I was just messing around in Myspace.

I happened upon some pictures of my friends brother. The one who has ALS. These are the before pictures in a very bad "before / after " game. He is a beautiful person but even more so now that I see how he's changed.

You see, now Alex has to be in a Wheelchair full time with neck support. He has lost most of his physical functionality. His mind, naturally, is sharp as ever. That's the nature of this disease. And it's tortorous to it's victims.

Alex is turning 46. He was diagnosed by process of elimination roughly 6-7 years ago.

I won an award last year for a fund raiser I did to help his family raise money for a Handicapped equipped Van for wheelchairs. I was never comfortable with winning the award to be honest. It struck me as weird. I should win award for helping someone who needed help? I was thrilled to have been chosen and I was grateful to my president who nominated me and for the committee who approved me. I have it hung on the wall in my home, with a ticket from the event and a Publicity photo taken of some of the powers that be and myself. None with Alex and I can't lay my hands on those. I would prefer to have that here.

I spent some time meditating on him after this. I want to do more to help him. The family is in disarray. I give them a lot of credit though. They work really hard. They are much closer than mine is so when this tragedy struck, they just spent their time finding ways to make it work. They challenged the disease head on. Not just for Alex, but for anyone who suffers from this deadly disease. And we all pray daily for a cure.

Reality is I am doing what I can at this point. I donate money through that family to ALS, I hosted a fundraiser to help them out, I help provide stress relief for his siblings through friendship. But that feeling of helplessness and knowing that his life is cut short at this young age, not because of death, but due to incapacity, hurts me. Like his brother, he's a fantastic musician. His reputation precedes him. He is well loved.

It was both lovely and painful to see just how much he is loved on Myspace. I have added Alex to our prayers for the sick at church. I believe in prayer in numbers.

Of late, I have been praying a lot on my specific situations. In , it is my first topic in my conversations with God. After that, I touch on blessings for family and friends, then specific situations for friends/family who are having a tough time. LAst night, I did a full meditation on Alex, later on, one on me, then I did my regular prayer time on everything/everyone else.

It seems like a lot, but I will only tell you this, my prayers may not give me the answer I want, but they give me an answer.

On Vanity

I was speaking to my mom briefly today. I mentioned that I may be late to her dinner party on Saturday because I need to get my eyelashes tinted and curled. She laughed at me.

So I reminded her that not having eyelashes on one eye is really troublesome. She had been through this in her youth as well and said that if these processes were available back then she would be doing them too. But they weren't so she had to wait for her eyelashes to grow back. Did you know that takes a really long time?

I cracked up when I realized where I got my vanity from. My mom. She is always put together, she loves clothes and shoes and her hair is always done and her makeup is always on.

Vanity - A little bit is a good thing.

Never underestimate the power of a new bra

About two weeks ago, I surveyed my bra drawer. Yes, I have an entire drawer dedicated to the support and decoration of breasts. Every color, design, function, format, type - it's all there. From VS to La Perla to Hanes to Reebok. Navy blue, Aqua, Strawberry, Green, Patterns, Satins, Silks, Cotton, Lycra....

It's a sickness in all likelihood. Especially when you hhave matching panties... seriously. Someone commit me.

My younger brother used to have a saying.... He's a collector of jackets and fine lingerie.

Well .... so am I. And I get to wear it.

So, in reviewing my bra drawer, it's occured to me that the whites could be whiter and the neutrals .... well the ain't so neutral. Time to ramp up.

I saw a commercial for the new Hanes bra. I'm not really a fan.... I like finer quality against my skin. But I was intrigued. And they were ten dollars on a sale. Unable to resist, I bought 6. 2 white, 2 neutral, 1 black and 1 lilac.

They arrived this morning but USPS. And the crazy postman who buzzes loudly fourteen times, sadly, no longer works this route. Instead there is a lovely woman who nicely brought them to my door.

I was going to a dinner meeting after teaching a lesson tonight. YAY I can wear my new brassiere!! What to wear over it now. I ended up wearing a pair of dress black pants, a cotton hip length ribbed turtleneck and my black 4 inch croc slides.

I looked pretty damn good if I do say so.

I was so damn confident walking into the meeting. As I was leaving, 2 of the guys wanted to know if I had had my hair done, another one asked if I had lost weight.

I noticed upon leaving that the wiggle in my step and sashay of my hips and perky gait of my walk were all back.

Ladies and gentlemen, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER underestimate the power of a new Brassiere!

On Exercise

Good Day.

I did a 45 minute pilates session today. I was pleasantly surprised. I am much more flexible than I gave myself credit for AND while there were a few exercizes that I was not able to complete fully, I got through a really good portion of it. There wasn't anything I couldn't do most of.

I did some yoga last night - a special program to relax you to go to sleep.

Bad news.

I was not able to sleep.

So I have decided not to do that too late at night.

so I have decided that for the rest of April, I will walk 2 miles, 5 days per week, pilates 2 days a week and yoga two days a week.

The Modified "Plan" on activity is ultimately to do the walking every day, 7 days max, 5 days min. 2 days on pilates, 2 on yoga and 2-3 on weight training.

This plan will not be taking effect though until late May or June. I need to get into the routine first and make it a habit which should be the rest of April.

Once I have done that, I will add each layer. First the pilates and yoga. Then the firm Body sculpting.

The eating right has been 3 weeks and I am seeing the difference. I am feeling the difference.

This is a good change for me.

a short thought

I just noticed in conversations with my team today, that I haven't noticed how bad things have been at work since last Wed/Thurs.

Normally, it's an hourly deluge of crap from them..... but not as much as you'd think.

What I noticed most about it is, I had something else consuming me from my personal life which made the job hell seem a lot more trivial than it is. FL girl just called and she's addressing the crap directly now. As a peer...

Interesting how the one thing that consumed me for 18 months was suddenly paled by something else... and it escaped my notice....

Later - I'll be back with a real post