My life...

is no longer recognizable.

I'm not sad about that overall.

But have you ever stepped back, reviewed where you are now and wonder how you got there?

And more importantly - why you are there?

I was listening to a broadway show in the care on my way home tonight ( I'm singing a duet with a student of mine for a cabaret concert). It was released in 1991. It's a good show, not phenomenal by any means in my opinion but it does ring some powerful emotions to the surface. It's not a happy show either.

In listening to it, I am reminded that this was the year I graduated with my undergrad degrees in Music Ed and performance. We all left school with stars in our eyes and the hope of future in hearts.

Of course there are pitfalls as well as the pinacles. Between my three best friends from college and I, in the last 17 years we have experienced marriage, children, death of a parent, sever health scares, purchase of first and second homes, multiple job changes, divorce, construction, etc.

This is what makes up life in the reality as well as the abstract.

My life, is shaken up right now. I am still sorting through the pieces to be honest. I started having this conversation with Bernie the other night - and don't worry - I want to finish it with you and I hope you are around on Thursday evening......

But I digress from myself....

I have a lot of things that I am looking at differently.

I noticed that I hate my job. In ways I can't describe. But I know why. I work for someone who demeans his people and is never pleased. When you work for someone like that, you are constantly belittled and berated for doing the same good job that you did before. I have no problem with high expectations, but I do have a problem with consistantcy and trusting that the person above you has your back.

I have 3 more days. It can't come fast enough.

As for my living situation. My life is not less complicated with my best friend here. But it is better. For the most part. Yes we fight. Yes we make up. We are passionate people so the fights are always dramatic. Someone tries to leave, someone persuades them to stay. It's never the same twice.

We are finding out way here. I don't know a different way to say that. It's not new to him but it is for me. I find that he is more patient with me than even I realize here.

My life is practically unrecognizable from before - BUT - we are working on the compromise thing and it's starting to take on elements of each others lives and slowly building into one.

He said perfectly the other day. IN choosing a life together you are choosing just the good and bad times, but you are choosing to do the work that takes the everday living and blends it into the good and bad times. Its this work that is the most diffcult.

There are times I miss my life from the past year. Or aspects of it. I miss aspects of our relationship that are now different. Some better, some not, some the same.

Mostly my problems relate to change and my inability to deal wtih it.

My life is changing drastically. We'll see how this pans out.

Armchair Psychology: Transference

In my family, we have but one crown prince.

If you count ALL the kids he's literally the middle child of 5.... which is odd by any psychology standards.

But if you look closer, you will note that the two children that are born of one mother, the crown prince is the only boy AND the youngest.

I'm no longer resentful and the reason is that this transcends time. All mothers are like this with their sons. It's ridiculous but it is what it is.

I was my dad's princess so it balances out actually.

But at times for both my brother and I, it was tough to take from the other parent.

My best friend has an interesting dynamic in his family as well. His mother gave birth to 4 kids: 2girls and 2boys. My best friend is the oldest boy and his brother is the youngest child AND boy.

And he's dying as you all know.

Their mom has traditionally made his brother the favorite - he's their crown prince. She did everything for him. She went to all his performances, she took care of him in every possible way that she could.

According to my best friend, she has done substantially less for him. I suspect that the truth lies somewhere in between.

The past 6 weeks have been difficult for the two of us and his mom. She is not "wild" about the change of status here. He's not wild that she's turning all the love and affection onto him and I frankly don't know what the hell to do.

She sent me an email on Thursday night asking me to have him call her as she is having trouble reaching him. By the time I saw the email, he had spoken to her twice. I responded anyway politely and positively confirming that i would relay the message. I don't want this getting off on the wrong foot.

Tonight he's playing at a very Shee Shee restaurant on the North shore. She requested reservations 2 weeks ago in order to come hear him. I deliberately chose not to go to give her time and space to enjoy her oldest son's performance with minimal stress.

He just called one his break. They didn't show up.

I know he's disappointed or he would not have called.

It's interesting. On the one hand, he doesn't want the showering of love and affection and motherly concern, but on the other he feels it's his right that he get some of the benefit that his brother has gotten all these years. I knew he was expecting this to happen even at the point where he walked out the door tonight, but to hear his voice, trying to be matter of fact and still cut her break ( she has been in the city most of the week with the brother),on the phone tonight really made me sad. He is so good and so talented and a great showman. I know she is proud of him. I know she loves to hear him perform and I know that in her mind she treats her boys equally, but somehow in mine, given my experience on the subject, I know she's not.

And though he says it doesn't really bother him, now that the option is out there, even by default, it hurts him a little.

What I think is really getting to me about this is the fact that she also sent him an email about how he has been less than helpful where his brother is concerned this week. She should only know what he was like when he returned from the hospital after visiting. It was not good. He just can't do it anymore. It's slowing tearing him up to see his brother this way. And there is nothing anyone can do. The guilt card here is not a good choice.

Which brings out the mean mama bear in me. I get ridiculously defensive about the people that I love and very outspoken.

This is the post that has no end because this is just the beginning.....

The three C's: Compromise Communication and Compatability

These are the hot buzz words in my household and life of late.

Compromise:

You have all seen the toilet paper post. That was less about compromise and more about choosing your battles. I lump the two together because they are linked in a way. Fighting every battle is not the way to go. I learned this the hard way years and years ago. Fighting every battle is the path to dominate and have your own way. That is how choosing your battles is part of the compromise.

I am still working my behind off on this. The compromise is always a challenge for me, the person who has lived alone for the past 15 years. It's a challenge for him who has lived alone for the past 10. Imagine the fun we have with this and both of us have control issues.

I think that my neighbor said it best this morning. The women have a tendancy to take care of the men and that's that. IN my case that is most certainly true. And don't get me wrong, because I like to take care of him. It doesn't bother me one bit. But that does require compromise as well.

Communication:

Crap.

Meaning - I suck at this.

Not that I am incapable of communicating - I am not. Not that I never do it - I do. But do I really say what's happening in my heart of hearts? Not always.

And he does - to a point.

Certainly better than I do.

I am working on this. This and trust - not good at either. BUT I consider it a work in progress and I didn't freak out when he took my IPOD. He told me who called him today while he was asleep.

He also told me that the whore called him day before yesterday. She was very upset that he was "shacking up with me ".

Seriouslly - How crude can you get?

His reponse - perfect by the way - was...

"This stopped being your business 6 months ago".

I loved him so much in that moment. And it made me want to try harder to communicate. So that's a good thing.

I thought about why I am not good at it. I am afraid. I don't like strife and battle. I am afraid that the person will walk out on me or hate me or any of those things. It has actually happened to me so it's not without basis. However I am working really hard at this and I think it can get better.

I think back at the fact that I shared my depression with him. That was huge. Hell - my own family doesn't even know that. But he does. And he didn't judge me. Nor I him when he told me about his own.

Compatability:

This is unbelievable. Though I am writing about all the things that are weird and different, the reality is that I have never started living with someone that fit so perfectly with me as this man. I mean literally no one. Our compability is amazing.

And here's the neat thing to me. He was laying in bed this morning.... I was changing my clothes.... I caught him checking me out....

Silly - maybe. Flattering - hell yes. Surprising - kind of. We see each other at our best and worst now.... So catching that in the mirror was really amazing to me.

We are now filtering through the chores and through the moving process.

For a person who hates change, I kind of like this one even though it's not how I saw my life unfold on the one hand and on the other, it is completely what I expected.

Music brings us back together

I did something without realizing it today.

I let my best friend take my IPOD on the train to the city today.

We have the same one in the color. So I don't think I realized that he took it with him.

I have what I will affectionately call an eclectic selection of music on there.

He will undoubtedley make fun of me when it comes up in discussion. There are a lot of songs on there that are... well... I'll go with trite and he would say something that's probably a tad more colorful than I am willing to write here.

At the same time, there are a lot of great tunes on there too.... including my own recital. And his.

So it was with some surprise that upon his return, he mentioned that I had a song on there that he wanted to do with the band for weddings.

What.

Now - it's a sad state of affairs that I had a brief moment of panic that he saw what was on my ipod.

I decided that it was stupid. He was going to see it eventually. who cares.

He already knows how my taste in music is. I get the "What am I gonna do with you?" question a lot.

All of this took place in about 2 seconds.

Then we worked on 2 tunes.

My new keyboard is coming at the end of the week - YIPPEE!!!!! I cannot wait.

This new duet is really starting to take off. I am really excited.

Because MUSIC is where we started.

There is no after

Romantic love.





We all aspire to it. It's amazing and it carries us on its wings.





The thing of it is....in the romantic love story, the be all end all is marriage. The wedding.





Have you ever noticed that you rarely hear about what happens "after"? The love story ends with the big Hollywood wedding and in beatifully scrolly script you see





"The End"





But that's not the end.





The part you don't get to see is the compromise and negotiation of where to hang the bathmat. Or how many candles constitutes "too many". Or the recycling that is all over the kitchen.





The list of examples goes on - and only one of them is mine, by the way. THe list was compiled from married friends of mine.





The reason we don't know what happens after is because in those stories - there IS no after.





But in real life - not only is there an after, the after gets complicated. The love is there to be sure, and being together is wonderful. But.



There is also compromise, fighting, silences and conflict. That's the bad that goes with all the good.



the "after" takes enormous amounts of work. I mean it. This is not a task for the feint of heart. This is not something that I was unprepared for in terms of knowing about it, but the actual work? I was not sure how that was going to play out.



I shouldn't really put that in past tense. I am NOT always sure how that will play out.



I'm starting to put back the pieces of my life that I shelved temporarily to get accustomed to this new lifestyle - I will be attending church in the morning and I am going back to my exercize and eating more healthfully.



I have a lot of work to do in the house that I haven't touched. We need space and we need it soon. I have furniture to get rid of and new furniture to order. We are re-arranging electronics and technology. There are closets to look at, cables to move and re-route - items to donate.... organization to take place.

There actually is an after.... it's just different. It's a sequal to the story. Some might say a less sexy and enticing sequal.... but I'm not so sure..... I think I will like the sequal after all.

I don't think I pictured my life this way

Some people have a plan.

I don't - but some do.

I once shared a house with a guy who had made it clear on move in day that he was already behind on having his SECOND kid ( we were 26 at the time) and he didn't have a gf, wife or the first kid yet.

That's a little bit extreme. But its those kind of plans that keep people moving and searching. That well defined can, and his case did, lead to acute disappointment and depression.

In my case, I had no set plans. I will tell you that I always believed that the cart would be before the horses. Since I was 17 years old in fact. I figured that, in a n extreme example - an its only an example - that the man of my dreams ( or whoever it was that moment) would outright propose marriage, in some cases, before the first or second date even happened.

Again - ONLY AN EXAMPLE.... but it's a clear picture of the cart before the horse.

But I didn't always beleive that. Oh yes. Once upon a time.... I was a dreamer.

I could wile away hours day dreaming about the man I would marry, the kids we would have ( don't laugh - I was young and didn't realize that with my lack of patience I would normally EAT my young not raise them....), the house we would live in , the pets - etc.

I realy don't know the exact moment when I realized that MY Life doesn't work like that. All my friends, we went to college, we met our significant other along the way somewhere, we got married, we bought homes, some of us reproduced, others ( mercifully) didn't ( like me).

But that didn't happen to me. I went college, I dated infrequently after that. I had long term relationships that usually started through my job as that was the only thing I did from 20- 30 years of age. Which is also what made the relatioships last that long even after we grew out of them, we worked together and it was convenient.

I can tell you, for a fact, that I've never fallen in love before this. I stepped in it once or twice.......

( quick - what movie is that from??? answer provided later)

But the minute that romantic love became day to day reality, I literally panicked. I didn't know what to do, who to talk to, how to explain what I was going through. I love him to be sure. No doubt in my mind.

But we were going through a rough patch. Ironically a rough patch that living together would prove to correct and virtually eliminate. But neither of us saw that at the time.

I said yes to the suggested change. Then I didn't know what to do. I freaked out. Largely in silence, though I got support from some wonderful trusted friends.

Then I calmed down, and things turned back upward. I was just starting to fly high, then

BAM!!!!

I went to a rehearsal in the bloody snowstorm, for which the director owes me HUGELY for.... When I got home, I was startled to find that he was ready to pick a fight.

I actually walked out of my own home with the intent of going to a diner or a bar for an hour. Just to let him cool off.

He apologized a lot, we talked a lot - til 7AM which is why I am freaking EXHAUSTED right now.

The short version is, he picked the fight because he was mad at himself for not lifting a finger all week to clear out his old place, he was angry at me for taking such exquisite care of him and not caring for myself, and lastly because I was out and it was late.

all of this was easy to forgive - some of the methods of saying it, not as easy.

My freakout about this change was small and sublte though I did tell him about it. Once it was over. His took on a full combative performance. And it took me by surprise.

Additionally - peter pan came back for the revival of this combative performance. That is still causing me some grief. But it's manageable. I'm now being patient.

It's not as hard as it seems.

But I know that I didn't picture my life this way. I had a far more pristine and somewhat clinical picture in my mind.

But I'm not sorry - this is going to be a hell of ride and It's my adventure1!!!

A request for prayers

I don't often ask.

For help, or prayers or anything in that vein...

However.

My best friend has FINALLY decided to go to the Emergency room on Monday. The lump gets larger and larger and is causing unbelievable pain in him so that he wimpers all night and holds his neck. He has been taking aleve or bayer aspirin as a way of combatting the pain. And vodka when it's really bad. He also has been coughing up blood.

I'm scared. He's scared.

I'm happy he's going but I need all the prayers I can for him. I am so afraid it will be career ending for him, or worse yet, life ending. It's gone on too long but I can't make him do anything about it - he has to do it on his timetable.

so I'm glad he's finally going.

Please pray to whatever supreme deity you support that this is treatable and not life or career threatening. For me. and more importanly, for him.

My advance heartfelt thanks!

The Art of Compromise

I have been on my own since I was 21. Sole owner of the remote control. Food that I choose, whether I eat out or not, cleaning up on my schedule - hell anything on my schedule.

When you share your living space with someone else, I don't care how easy going you both are, there are bound to be conflicts.

I am working on the art of compromise. I am looking at the things that matter to me and are actually important to me, and letting the rest roll.

For example.

Toilet paper.

I know its a small detail. But in some ways its a large detail. I once lived with a man, many years ago, who insisted on Charmin double ply and also kept baby wipes. Please do not ask me why.

I grew up on scott tissue. 1000 sheets a roll. Single ply. Largely because of the type of septic system that we had living on the ocean.

But hey, I'm flexible.

The other night - at 1AM, my best friend called to say he was on his way home. After we hung up, I went back to what I was doing, which was changing out the toilet paper roll.

Oh hell.

I GROSSLY underestimated how much TP we still had in the linen closet ( As previously stated, I buy scott tissue but the 24 roll package).

I ran to the phone and called him back. I asked him to please stop and pick up more.

"Sure - no problem and by the way, from now on we will be getting 2-ply - OK?"

I stared at the phone.

I didn't expect the first round of compromise to be over toilet paper.

"Um. Sure - no problem - Thank you!!!! See you in a bit" I hung up.

He walked in 15 minutes later. TP in hand.

It's not bad. I feel like we go through a roll so much quicker but it's a small thing.

Our first major compromise.

Getting What I want

I don't know what is wrong with me.

The things I want most in the world, the things I work hard for and want.... so badly....

I get them and don't know what to do with them.

Take music.

I cannot for the life of me understand why it is that a group of people dislike me. I don't. I am nice person. I am really great to work with because I don't criticize or make directors look bad in front of the group. If I feel strongly about something I take it offline, privately, and address it there.

So It came as a neat little surprise today to realize - again - that my dad's group, while he was alive, is restructuring their board to make sure I never get on it.

Now I have to ask what the hell is this about? I didn't need or want that info, but not being the person who shoots the messenger, I just swallowed it and walked away.

The bottom line there is I will be section leader, I will sing, I will get and do the solos. But that's it. This is the dumbest group of supposed adults I have ever seen in my life.

Still on the music topic. I have the opp to sing with my best friend. Something I have wanted to do for 10 years. I have been eagerly learning and listeninng to the high parts on the catalog entries he's given me ( Yes Bernie a lot of the ones we were having fun with the other night). We have a lot to practice together as I have been working on them several times a day every day.

But I'm unsure of myself with him. I don't doubt my ability, or my training or anything like that. I just doubt myself with him because I am afraid that I won't do a good job. He thinks I am crazy and how will we know if we don't practice. He's right. Of course he's right.

I told him he has to stop throwing his exwife around on this. she was his music partner as much as she was his wife. He hasn't sung with anyone else since and the thing that I keep hearing is that she was incredibly intuitive and heard parts that most people miss and that kind of thing.

Very unnerving - especially since, until this commentary came about, I don't have a first wife complex.

I don't think that I do now - I would have this problem whether he was married to her or not. More about me and my insecurity.

I think I am going to see about doing something over the weekend during the day. I have to bite the bullet to know whether I Can really do the job.

I do believe I can. I have a great sense for the harmonies, I have perfect pitch - this should be a no brainer other than the fact that he's a perfectionist.

Sometimes getting what you want requires more work to hold onto it than in getting it.

MOthers and sons

Parents generally like me.


Not to blow my own horn or anything but whats not to like?


So you can imagine my surprise to find out that my best friend's mother doesn't really like me all that much.


I was at first really hurt, because I thought she and I had a really good relationship. We have affection for one another, I have done really nice things for her kids... her youngest specifically as he's the one who's dying.


The first time he brought it up was 2 weeks ago. I was so stunned I didn't know how to react.


So it was brought up again Monday night. I decided to go for further clarification.

I don't think I mentioned that she is a Psychologist. Her only complaint to him - "Be careful there, she's crazy about you"

It's a mother - son thing. We have this in my family and I can't tell you how many times I run into this.....

No woman is good enough.


But other than that - she likes me.


He stood up for me thouh. He told her that he and I know who we are, and what we want. He said some harsh things to her regarding this as well. I asked him to go lighter on her, she's losing a son to a horrible illness - the perceived favorite no less - and he's going to be all she has left on the other side.

However, he doesn't want the attention from her as the only choice available and certainly doesn't want it at all anymore. He also told me that it was predetermined by the family when his brother got sick that he would be the caretaker - without consulting him first. How lucky they are that he is the person he is and did it with little to no complaint until July. That's 5 years of his life he can't get back and more importantly, now we are re-building both him and our life.

It gave me an insight to her that I didn't have before. Basically she really liked me until she realized how close and how important he and I have become to one another. Then it wasn't OK.

I should also admit that, my dad said that while he loved my best friend as if he were a son, He didn't like my best friend as a son-in-law. The difference is, he said that ( or so I have heard that he did) 7 years ago and my best friend was just out of a divorce at the time. My dad is now deceased as well so it's not like he can recant. You know what, recently, I have had a one way conversation with my dad in which I told him the same thing my best friend said to his mom. This is my choice, I know who I am now, and I know who he is. If you love me, you will support it.

I don't think I know a single person who hasn't encountered some form of this with the new family on some level.

Families are wonderful. They are also troubling and funny all at once. We are still getting to know the other one's respective familes.

It's a work in progress.

Blog silent

I know I have been "blog silent" for awhile and I keep drafting posts up now and again but never finishing them to actually post them.

Largely because I don't know how to finish them.

Being a fairly decisive person, I usually make and stick by my decisions. They don't come easily but once I decide, after research of course and m y trusty pros and cons list, I plow forth.

I have made some "snap" decisions in this past month that are very uncharacteristic of me. I am not upset with them. I am not unhappy with them, I am just still undergoing the normal process that I go through while making them, even though I already know the outcome...

Yes - I admit that's weird. And the topics are not topics I can readily discuss on my blog as they are, while good fundamentally, too serious in nature, for me to post at this time.

I will acknowlede that the job change hasn't taken place yet. Though I am DYING for this to happen and sooner rather than later.

I reconnected with my dear friend Elle. I have missed her horribly so this is a good thing. And she needs me too, which is nice, as she is now going through a divorce. I have missed her kid too so equally good for me.....

I have sung my swan song with the Merrick Chorale. They are using me and not paying me so as much as I love the folks that sing there, I will not be singing the major works with them in the future. If my coach is directing, I will happily sing, but that's it. I will be using the line "I'm so sorry - I'm not available on those days" and moving on. Of course if they decide to offer it to me and pay me - different story altogether.

I honestly have no issues other than my living environment and I am working through that.

I do want to comment on my post the other day "good is not the absence of bad".

Mrs. Jackson posted a great reference on that post - please take a look - especially if you know her. She is completely right. With one exception that I did not include in my post:

Psychological abuse. It's as evil if not more so than the physical. Because it's harder to undo. though neither is acceptable or good in any way. It's subtle in nature and usually you don't even realize it's happening until it's too late. YOu just feel wretched and don't understand why.

But generally speaking - A good relationship is whatever you define goodness as. For me, goodness includes but is not limitied to: Love, laughter, conversation, attraction, intelligence, commitment, compromise.

That's for my purposes.

But as for being blog silent I promise to try and be more proactive.

Good is NOT the absence of bad

I read a meditation the other day that said "Goodness is not and should not be the absence of bad".

The example they used was a woman who said that her husband didn't cheat on her, didn't beat her, didn't beat their children so therefore she must have a good marriage.

But she wasn't "happy".

I couldn't fathom that. I don't actually get it, to be honest.


I have friends who have been married for 28 years. They are getting divorced. Very heartbreaking and very sad. They worked reaally hard and the only thing the wife could say was, we just stopped trying. We just stopped working.

I am finding the road to relationships really fabulous but also scary and hard. It's definitely got it's own reward but the pitfalls along the way are frightening. And I admit it, I'm scared.

Witless.

I spoke to my college room -mate today. She knows me in so many ways that surprise me even to this day. She made an observation that I don't really talk about my feelings for another person. And she's right. I don't. I have always played those cards close to the vest.

So I told her that things here in domestic land have changed fairly dramatically. My living situation will be more different than it already has been in the past 3 weeks.

I had reservations because this happened sooner than I expected it. But I think maybe not. I think on some level I must have known because I had ordered all these storage and organization componants. A month ago.

I spent my night clearing out closets and putting away the last remnants of Christmas. Yes. Christmas. And shut up.

I had a lot on my mind which is why I chose the manual labor. YOu see. I met the whore last night. For the first time,

Funny bit. She was sitting at the bar. He and I were standing behind her to the left. The bartender, knowing all of us, looked at him standing between us and said "uh oh".

I almost died laughing. But I was angry. Not because she showed up - unannounced by the way - but because I knew he was going to cave and talk to her.

We packed his gear up. We got paid, and I offered to leave when he said he had to at least be a little bit social. I figured since I was already not happy, why stay and deal with it?

When he got home at 2AM he walked in, woke me up and we had the fight. Basically I didn't handle it well, he understood why, but I didn't put myself in his shoes. So I did. Right there.

I felt bad for him. He had no way to prevent it from happening. I wasn't mad at him and he wasn't mad at me, but we had the discussion because it needed to be said. I was right toom, he caved on h er because she played his heartstrings. What I personally dislike about her, is she uses him to get what she can't get from the other guy. Honey - you can't have it both ways.

He's had so much anger towards her and it dissapated the minutes she sat down. He said she doesn't want him as an enemy (good choice that always goes badly with him). He basically told her he was moving but given the way the night went, he opted not to tell her where - for my sake actually. Could you imagine? First phone call, my head would explode !

I don't consider her a problem for ME. I do consider her a problem for him and I wish that he would cut her off once and for all - even for a few months - just to give him time to heal.

I can't make him and I won't try.

In the light of day and the fact that I had the house to myself for the better part of the late afternoon and all of the evening and night, I re-evaluated some things here.

1. This arrangement is a good step for us both.
2. My feelings for him haven't changed with the new reality that we are in
3. The componants are all there and this appears to be the adhesive we need to glue it all together

I'm a lot more comfortable than I was a day or two ago. I did my pros and cons. The pros outweighed the cons by a landslide.

The absence of bad does not make something good. My relationship has bad but it also has good.

The good outweighs the bad. Each and every time. Why? Because we talk, we discuss and it's done with love and respect. Even if we don't agree.

He's not perfect and neither am I. But together we are a smashing team.

Another ALS Fundraiser

I said to my best friend last night, if I had to choose between the fundraiser that I did versus the one I just went to that he did, I would have picked his.


And not because I had no responsibility except to show up either - though that was certainly a sexy alluring feeling....


Here's the deal.


His brother has ALS. HIs brother, like him, was or rather is, a brilliant musician.


What I was unaware of, is that his brother, also like himself, was a songwriter.


Wow. Mental Headslap. I should not be surprised and yet I was.


The bar was a small pub. And there was no room. I mean none. All musicians, a total jam session - I was one of the youngest by far. These folks have known each other for 20-30 years and this was a reunion in the name of doing something special and necessary for someone they all love.


I don't know how else to say it. My best friend opened the show. He did 4 tunes starting with one of ours- which I didn't know he had learned..... Considering how things have been going between us lately that spoke to me.


Then the band got started. The music was amazing. The guys playing were incredible, the singing - everything.


This went on all night long. These guys just played and played. They took shifts in and out - but the music continued.


When I left around midnight ( and for those of you who live in other states, bars close at 4 AM here), the place was jumping. Literally.


What happened next surprised me a little bit but not as much as I want to believe. I was home. I was trying LIKE HELL to sleep. I couldn't shut off my mind and how happy I was. I met a lot of really nice people that I have been hearing about for years in some cases. Faces now match up with names. Some I know from Myspace... that kind of thing.


My gutt said something wasn't right though. I stupidly dismissed it.


Sunday, after All county, I met up with some ladies that I know for a birthday brunch for the new bride. she has had a rough road since her wedding in December so her mom threw her a little get together.


We had a lovely brunch. The deal was that when I left there, the plan was to call my best friend so we could get together. I left that message at 5.


Several hours later, I was actually starting to panic as I hadn't heard back. Not wnating to become the lunatic that I was in December, I was fighting the instinct that something was wrong. I left the minimal amount of messages that I could mentally handle, and poured myself a Vodka on the rocks. Finally at 9:45 he picks up the phone and he tells me he did something stupid and was on his way.


Now, come on. stupid???? That could be almost anything!


It turns out, after an altercation at the end of the night, he knocked out the former best friend /husband of his brother's ex girlfriend. I mean literally knocked him out. This is soo unbelievably unlike him. I couldn't believe it. My gutt was telling me something wasn't right. I should have li stened. Nothing happened to him mercifully, but the other guy - not in such good shape. I was surprised at him but this was a very emotional night and week for him and I know how far he can be pushed before reacting.


By the time he arrived here, I had had 2 drinks to steady my nerves. I would love to tell you how much he had but I would be wrong on any guess. This has been such an emotional roller coaster for him and by extension, though different, for me as well.

We talked about a lot of things. He was in some pretty raw shape emotionally, he was feeling badly about me, and his brother and it was all finally coming to a head.

The fundraiser was an overwhelming success by and large. A substantial sum of money was raised and I was really touched at everyone's generosity of both a financial nature and spirit.

We have such a long road back. But after this week I actually have more hope than I have had in the past 8 weeks.

So does he.

The pillars

Pillar 1.

Well the job officially changed this afternoon.

I report to a new manager - that appears on the surface to be good news.

I will be doing the same basic job with one major componant removed - making my job actually easier on some levels.

But the down side is it leaves me open to layoff. A sitting duck if you will. When you are one of many and they need to cut heads....

I keep reviewing the things that are not going in an acceptable manner and trying to figure out how to move things along for the better.

Pillar 2

I spoke to the Pres of the group I sing with tonight. He had promised that he was appointing me to the board to fill a vacancy. The current VP ( the witch from other posts) has done a marvelous job of slandering me and 3 members out of 5 objected to appointment based on, as it turns out, nothing. What was said about me was that I am not capable of doing a good job and that I don't follow through and complete my tasks.

Hello? I am a project manager by trade. Not finishing tasks would get me fired.

Oh snap. wait.

I just had a major job change didn't I?

Hmmm.

Pillar 3

My relationship is not going well. I really don't know whats happening but we are on the Pulling back phase right now. Space - yes. Time - yes. Frustration - yes. I am hurting because of this. Largely because I really do not understand what I did or didn't do to cause this or what in general is happening to cause this whether it was me or not. It's been two months. And it's been really rough. Ironically - nobody wants to leave - which is always hopeful. I try to focus on the good things and let the so-so ones go. But at the end of the day, right now, I feel like we have taken a step backwards. I understand what caused THAT and we have discussed that. But it's really hard for me.

At the end of the day, what my heart and mind keep circling back to is maybe I'm not as good at my job as I thought. I've been doing it for 15 years and I had the top customer in my company for 4 of those. But maybe I'm not that good. when you are told you aren't doing a good enouogh job often enough and long enough - you start to believe it.

Now it's ad enough that I am dealing with this at work, but now the singing group that I have been with for 12 years is basically telling me the same thing now on an administrative post. Now I know it's crap, but the same kind of commentary has come up in a second place. With almost the same words - only none of them know my work life so they couldn't know that. Accident? Coincidence? I don't think so.

Then you factor in the difficulties I am encountering in my romantic life. My brain continues to circle around what I did or did not do to cause any one of these three pillars to crumble and fall like this.

My whole psyche hurts. I can't figure out how I went from being such a strong woman who is good at her job and valued by her customer, sings professionally and is valued as a volunteer in her singing groups and loved by her best friend in the world to being the weak, unqualified and undervalued employee, a singer who can't hold a simple administrative function like writing the English language to take notes, and the woman who just feels like a burden now.

Which one is the real me???? I don't think I even know anymore.

A life in Flux

There is nothing quite so scary as having the major pillars of your life in flux.

At the same time.

My company is going through a reorg and while I am assured there are no layoffs in the immediate future, within the next 30-60 days my job will change dramatically.

I tend to take a "wait and see" towards that as it has never gone "bad" before when they have done this. IN this case , I will most likely be reporting to someone else, the player to be named later if you will.

I am trying to remain optomistic in this and taking the stance of "Don't worry and fret before you have something to worry and fret about".

I don't do it well but I am trying.

Meanwhile, the relationship is not going well. Communication is hit and miss which is actually an improvement over the complete NON-communication that was going on before. I've noticed some subtle things that go to the good and some that go to the less than good of late. My own mood has contributed to that as much as my best friend's. I want more, and he is not ready yet. I am being smothering in order to hold on to what's there, and he's pulling away. So I stopped it. All of it. I am not only not smothering him, I am giving the space that we both need here. It's a perspective thing. And it's hard for me. I am not good at playing "hard to get".

Music isn't going so well either. on some levels its better than ever, but the same old problem keeps cropping up.

The short version on all of this is, when my life comes apart at the seams like this, it's usually a sign that something needs to change.

In these cases, I believe that this is a chain reaction. One thing goes south, and they all do. I think if my job straightens out, I'll be better equipped emotionally to do the heavy lifting that needs to be done on the other two. Right now, I am so drained from lack of sleep and lack of nutrients that all I want to do is lay down. I force myself to exercize. I force myself to eat SOMETHING whether I am hungry or not. I try to make it productive. I work the required hours and follow my personal schedule to the letter.

But my heart's not in it. Nor is my brain. All I want to do is cut and run from my life. Leave it all behind and start again. But the reality is, if I Can't make it work in this life, what makes me think that I can do it in another? So I don't cut and run. I stay and try to fight it out.

But this time it's different. I've lost my fight. I'm tired. bone tired. I don't want to fight. I just want to "be".

It won't be this way forever, in fact, sooner rather than later I will be in a better position to know if I want to leave this company or not. Which is good. The general consensus right now is that the change that is being proposed is actually going to make life BETTER for us. My staff has come forward and mentioned that they are all managing a level of anxiety through medication. I was shocked to know that. It's unreal. That a company of this magnitude can instill such fear and manipulation that this is the rule rather than the exception. We have had two people under the age of 40 DIE this year of sudden heart attacks. NO warning, no heart related activitiy prior. Just died. One left a small child behind. Did this wake up my management? NO.

And that's why I am willing to wait out the change because the pressure wi be relieved. Of course, if it isn't, I am already researching other positions within this company and others to move to.

I think that in the past two years, the job has been so stressful for me and the others who work for this person, that its become impossible for me to put the required energy into dealing with and managing the other aspects of my life when they go into flux. Consequently, everything came to a head and all I can do is hide.

Largely this is my own fault. I tried to make a bad situation work post merger for me and my team. The reality is that the new mgmt didn't ever want it to work. Because the environment that they came from is so different, and the merger was handled very unusually, our lives have become hell. I should have put an end date on it sooner, but my reviews were glowing so why would I do that?

There are tons of reasons why I stay but I think the most important one is that I hate change and I am afraid of the unknown. In everything. I will stay in a bad situation rather than take a risk. 'Better the devil you know' attitude.

Except in love. I was willing to give this person another chance and while it's not going well right now, I do think we can get backk to that with some effort. My problem is that I just don't have the strength and he doesn't either. For the same sets of reasons.... So space is the answer for now, we are still together, just giving some breathing room to heal from outside influences. This was a HUGE step for me. I don't do this. I don't even know how! But something is guiding me, not always correctly, but something is guiding me.

I just need another ounce of faith.

More on editing

I can talk up a good game on this editing thing.

I describe it, tell you how it's done, give tips and tricks on making it work.

But in the end, human nature prevails.

You know the old saying "Good news travels fast, but bad news travels faster?"

The same concept applies to our memories.

Interestingly enough, If you have two confrontations that happen with the same people at the same event - one positive and one negative - which are you going to remember?

Most people will dwell on the negative. Or at least that will be the first thing that comes to mind when, at some future date, you are asked to recall the said event.

I'm going to use this Christmas day as my example.

Having gone on record and said already that this was the holiday season FROM HELL, it was in no way - and I mean what I say here - in NO WAY due to my family.

It may be the first time ever, but there were no incidents that readily come to mind.

This is an example of the editing that I chose to employ.

Here's the reality.

Mary, a friend of the family, has two sons. They are 5 and 3. They are the most delightful, sweet and funny BOY boys you will ever find. I can't get enough of them and am always thrilled to be around them and included in events with them.

But they are 5 and 3.

My brothers and I spent the day before giggling and laughing at my mother because she is a neat freak extraodinaire. Sadly a trait I did not inherit.... but I digress.

With all the kids traipsing through her house, putting sticky hands on the glass doors, spilling juice on the carpet, drool, spitting up, etc.... she didn't even flinch. We didn't even know what to do when there was nothing covering the dining room table. HOw were we to eat? Where would be put the plates? Not on the WOOD???? isn't that the eleventh commandment???

So Christmas day, the little boys (A&M), their parents, my brother, my mom and I are upstairs playing Christmas Carols. I put a closed and sealed bottle of Diet Coke on a book on the piano. My mom, in mom fashion, put it on the floor. "A" proceeds to kick it and put it back so that no one notices ( I am told this later). I pick it up, open it, it sprays everywhere.

You would actually think, that surgical triage was about to take place, barking orders screaming at people to move move move. She was a little "crazed" - ( not hard to see where it comes from now eh?).

We clean up the mess, and get back to singing. I wasn't quite up for it, after the disaster, so I worked with the kids.

But I was a little upset. She made SUCH a freaking commotion over this that I felt like a stupid 8 year old who can't get it together and just have a drink.

But I recount it now solely to illustrate my actual success at editing this. Here the reality. I am really reaching to recount how I felt. Other than the obvious - not a good feeling - I can't really tell you what all went through my mind. And I let it go, within minutes.

I am trying to do this with little things right now. The big things are so unbelieveably hard to let go.

My best friend and I are having a lot of trouble right now. Still. It's just added because now, instead of just his issues, now we have mine too. double the trouble.... ah a little humor to lighten things up.

I have started the editing and started some new attitudes and behaviours regarding this relationship. I won't resort to actual gameplaying, but we put some space in right now and let us heal a bit individually.

We both had some serious meltdowns on each other this past month. It was very bad. On both parts. Neither one of us is coming out of this holiday smelling like a rose. But I think that we can learn from this. He's already started correcting some of his things. And I need to start evaluating myself.

I know that I said no resolutions. These aren't New Years Resolutions - these are life resolutions.

1. I am working on trust. I need to trust him more and actually show it, not just say it. It's not him - it's everyone. I just don't trust. But I'm working on that.

2. I haven't like my life in the past 2 months. That is entirely my own fault because I allowed certain factors to encroach upon the things that make me who I am. So I am going back to those "solar" or rational activities that make me who I am. My music, my kids, my pets, exercise.... all of it.

3. My job. I have extended the deadline to the end of First quarter. There are major job shifts taking place and I need to see the direction that is going to be taking place. I am looking outside as well as inside the company for other opportunities n the meantime. I have uncovered in the past 2 weeks that I do not like my manager at all and that I do not have the mental strength to continue working for him unless he changes, he won't because he doesn't have to. As far as HIS boss is concerned - he walks on water. So that kind of sealed my decision. But I am open to negotiations.

4. My mental health and sanity - I need to deal with my insecurities and my fear that no man will love me for who I am. I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser 24x7. I need to be able to tap into the inner emotional strength that I know I have as I give to all around me. In other words, I need to make myself a priority. I am taking care of the physical part - 35 lbs down and 3 sizes, blood pressure is looking good. But the psychological issues are really starting to creep up and bite me. In ways I didn't expect.

There will be more as they come up as this is not just a one year thing - these changes are forever as far as I am concerned.

I need to get more silliness and happiness into my life. I was happy but closed off this time of last year. I am open, walls torn down, more exposed and I now have periods of happiness but generally - for right now - I'm now. I'm not even sad really anymore. I'm just borderline anxious. Not anxious enough to not sleep anymore, or eat even - I do sleep - not well - and I do eat - not well. But both activities are happening so one step at a time.

I have targetted my first editing routine. I have been trying, unseuccessfully, to use it on his entire meltdown. Instead of "forgetting" the bad stuff, I now lump up ALL the good stuff in it's place and smile in spite of myself - thus enabling me to not dwell on the bad. Still Editing - just a different twist. We'll call it the editors magic trick.

I am going to warn you now, flee if you want - but don't say I didn't tell you. This blog is going to be about my changes outlined here and in future posts. If you thought you were sick of hearing about the man before, it's not going to get better in terms of volume. It will most likely get better in terms of how this is going.... but the volume is going to go up. It's part of my decompression and part of my recovery from the depression I have been in. Don't say you weren't warned!

The dawn of 2008

In the wake of a rather boring New Years Eve.... largely because I fell asleep at 11:30 - a first, I might add..... I want to tell you about some plans I have for the New Year.

I hate resolutions. Let's face it, no one makes it past March and I'm being generous with March.

I like to think of New Years in a similar fashion to Lent. For those of you not familiar with Lent... Lent is the period of 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter where Jesus spent time in the dessert enduring temptations including those of Satan. It's a sort preparation for his crucifixion. Not a fun time to be sure.

It is customary in the Christian faith to give something up during Lent. The reason behind that is that we are preparing for the crucifixion.

OK I got a little bit deeper into lent than I had actually intended.... but hey, it's a learning experience, right?

So the idea of promising to DO something for the New year is similar in thought to giving something up for 40 days.

Especially when you look at the new twists that are going on with the Lenten "give - up" program as I call it. Now my faith also believes that maybe the giving up isn't as important as acquiring a new behaviour.... for example - perhaps you have decided to start volunteering during lent? that's just as good to the church as say, giving up chocolate ( and don't think for one minute that that doesn't go on). It's an interesting twist....

By the by, just as an aside, for those of you wondering, the whole eating fish on Fridays during Lent? Not religious in nature at all.... I hate to be the one to debunk this ( Seeing as how I have an entire post on debunking the bible coming dedicated to my sister in law), but its largely due to the fact that there was an overabundance of fish in biblical days..... you get the idea.

So having given this process some thought- I am not really jumping up and down to make resolutions. At the end of the day, what good is it going to do me? If I fail, my self esteem takes a hit because I put yet another set of unrealistic demands on myself? Thank you but I can do THAT without the pressure of a holiday anytime.

The fact is, I am taking a stand for myself this year. The only thing that I am resolving to do is what is best for me. I am going to really take the time to consider the choices I make in terms of what is good for the Contessa.

Oh I know what you are thinking......

Of course I will not be making choices that will harm another person in order to do what is right for me.... hello.... have we just met???

But I will be considering how the end results affect me more than I have been of late.

I will put forth this small example. Its huge for me, but small in the grand scheme.

I am on holiday from 12/21 through 1/7. While I am out, my Poodle is covering for me at work. Do you realize that every single working day from 12.21 through yesterday he has called me?

I am not taking his calls. I am on holiday. He has to think for himself. He is older than I am by 15 years.... come on now. He does this ALL THE TIME. And I can guarantee that those who are working right now with him are getting the full brunt of his whining and complaining about having to cover my work. He's so very predictable but I love him all the same.

Normally I would have called him back each time. My decision to not call him back is as much for his own good as it for my peace of mind.


Additionally, I plan to ask for help more and no, I don't mean the little things only. I have spent all of my life thinking I had to always be the strong independent type. Not to be reliant on others. To the point where I believe it as a sign of weakness. Each year I go through a holiday blues / Depression and this year went through one that brought me to my knees literally and emotionally and psychologically. Like never before in my life. Just at the point where I was unable to sleep more than 2 hours at a time and awaking so confused that I didn't know the day, time of where I was, I turned and asked my best friend for help.

Do we still need to talk about this - yes. But he's been so good. For all that he can be when he's in the throes of his own depression. Do I feel idiotic because mine is for stupid reasons while his is for real? sure.

I guess it's true that when you don't ask for help, you also deny those you love from showing they love you.

So this is my Non resolution year.

Happy 2008!

Oops I did it again

Just like Britney says.... "Oops I did it again".

Only this time, it was less severe because I didn't raise up my hopes.

I don't actually mind spending New Years Alone.... I just really thought I was going to have company this time. We had discussed it and some tentative plans were made.

Ah but the best made plans.... right?

He got sick. He's home in bed. Sleeping. At least I knew early. So this shouldn't be any great shakes.

I won't lie and say I 'm not disappointed. I am. But I am not upset. I am not panicky and I am not going off the deep end this time.

While I didn't set my expectations really high for tonight, I did however have higher expectations than the none I would have had the day before.

I have noticed that NewYears has become more and more of a "non event" which I think is why I am not so upset.

If I manage to stay awake till midnight.... Happy New year!!!!

I have a secret

It's not THAT secret anymore because I am starting to talk about it.

I am embarassed about it though.

I get the holiday blues. Generally right after Thanksgiving ( that's my favorite holiday) and lasts through new years.

Usually I can contain my blues to the inside of my head. THat generally works very successfully. If the last 20 years is any record....

This year I was less than successful. It has more to do with the extraneous things happening in my life and a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations that I set for this year. That, I think, was the bigger mistake to be honest. Unrealistic expectations.

So now we have the blind leading the blind. Or the depressed leading the depressed. And it's really interesting because we aren't fighting.... not really. We just aren't talking. Or doing much of anything. When things are good, they are freaking spectacular and when they aren't, they REALLY aren't.

He didn't know about my holiday blues thing. In fact, up until this year, only Mrs. Jackson and Maple mama really knew and only because they lived with me for 4 years. Bernie, not sure.... I'm a terribly good actress - my own family doesn't even notice. I should win an academy award for my annual performance in this area.

I handled things in a less than exemplary fashion this year and that required an explanation. Now , I am not good at asking for help. You should all know that. So, I am not good at asking for help or support, and I am more than just "blue" and behaving less than well. You can imagine how this is going right?

So - on the one hand, the things that were settng me off, were valid. Completely so. On the other hand, I took it a little far in my responses. I admit it and acknowledge it and made my apologies for it - and it was met with the most patient and loving of responses. I was stunned. Literally. I expected a big "thing' and got a big "nothing". What I got was loving concern for my lack of sleep.... and lack of appetite. What I got was patience and time.

So I am working triple hard to bounce back now. It turns out that this is anxiety. Hunh. Wasn't actually expecting that. I jsut thought it was mild depression. It's exacerbated since my dad passed and I just thought that's what I was dealing with. Nope. Anxiety and it's a bit higher than it should be even for me at this time of year. It's considered moderate to high and I am not taking at this time, as generally this passes fairly quickly. I am working with a massage / reike therapist who is amazing and taking some herbs and this is helping. We will re-evaluate in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I am really lucky that though my best friend is depressed, he is being supportive of my situation. We haven't really discussed it in detail yet, but I know we will and I know it will be OK. (He's on probabtion though for the initial cause of the meltdown because that's basic common courtesy crap and he knows it. )

So my secret it out. I'm sharing a lot of them lately. I can't believe I actually asked him for help and support and got it. I really didn't think it would happen.

But it did.

We're lucky people to have each other even though things are bad for us right now, we are working through that. I actually have hope now.

I even feel better for the first time in 4 weeks.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

Pssst - but I am reaping the benefits of the depressive weight loss - I have to say it - I look pretty good! ;-)

Christmas

I had really wanted to write a heartfelt uplifting Holiday message for my readers.

I just can't do it this year, folks.

2007 has been a wonderful and amazing year for me. At the exact same time, it has been one of my worst since the death of my dad in 2003. And unfortunately, the majority of the negative and bad things have happened in the past 5 weeks.

Still trying to make the best of the bad, I am at least posting SOMETHING and I am going to tell you a little holiday laugh for you.

I have a niece who turned one year old 2 days ago. She is the light of my life and I am the light of hers.

I arrived at my mothers yesterday having cried the entire car-ride there. I was on the phone with Mrs Jax and I wasn't going inside until I was off the phone because it wasn't that kind of conversation. It was cold, but not horrible.

My youngest brother ( the father of my niece) came out while I was on the phone and took all my packages.

A few minutes later my step dad came out and lit his pipe and went back inside.

My mom came out to find out what I was doing.

then I hear banging.

I turnaround and there is my banana ( her nickname because it rhymes with her name) standing at the glass front door, laughing and smiling at me and banging on the door to get my attention.

Thank God for little kids. She took my heart out of the blues for a few hours and kept me busy. I got 2 hours of peace. If you call chasing a 1 year old peaceful!

She looks EXACTLY like my brother. Then my sister and her family arrived.

My nephew now has his dads coloring - but he looks exactly like my sister. And she looks exactly like me. People are actually astounded by that - when you consider that we came from completely different gene pools.

So I had two munchkins to keep me occupied. They both loved their toys ( my brother who does not YET have kids, went to the store and bought the noisiest toys that were in the age range - he's going to be a dead man when they have theirs!)

When I left I checked my answering machine. THe call I wanted and needed to hear had come in while I was at my moms. The relief was almost overwhelming.

I went on to deal with the rest of the day in a far more peaceful mood.

So with that I wish you all Peace and Joy today!