More prepared for my party than I expected

The day was hectic. I ran around like a wingnut getting everything ready for this party. The party I am not in the mood to host. Nothing against my friends, but I am not in a party mood.

It's a good thing that I am doing it anyway. The fact remains that if I am busy I can't think or react. So those two things aside, this has the potential to be good for me.

I am the master of hiding when I need to. I feel like I need to, but not allowing myself that luxory. Not now and not on this.

A very wise point was made today, that I was sliding fast. That's true. So stopping myself midslide seems like the wise thing to do. I am picturing myself, fallen, on a ski slope, unable to go down any further but with no viable means to get back up to the top.

So I was relieved when the hand was held out to help me back up to the top. I had been planning to ask for that help from this specific individual, but there never seemed to be a good time. I felt like it was a productive discussion and while I still have the fear, it's much easier to deal with. The conversation led me to more questions than answers butI can't tell you how relieved I feel. Though nothing truly got resolved, I am no longer angry and upset. Yes, I shed a few tears but that was the reality of the situation being painted in front of me. The good part is I have that hand to help me back up the mountain.

Now, I have never thought of myself as stupid, but maybe I am. In certain specific areas. For example. If someone calls and leaves me a message saying " I need to talk to you, it's urgent, I'll call you back tomorrow" I'll climb the walls until I know what's going on. Likewise when I was younger and my mom would say "Wait until UB gets home" or even younger "Wait umtil your dad gets home" I would dbe panicking and flipping out until the inevitable happened.

So surprises don't sit well with me unless they are good ones. And please don't be swayed and give me clues because that will only make me crazy and not in the good way. I anticipate the worst because I have never had a major surprise that was a good one. One that was just about me an other people. Oh yes the surprise Christmas/birthday gifts for sure but I am talking about something other than the material.

So keeping myself busy is a good thing. I can't get caught up in the possible ( and lets face it probable ) bad outcome. I am considering filing this week under "fun memories" and calling it over. I think its the right thing to do. Although, to be fair, I am basing all of this on my own feelings and opinions. Is that the right thing to do? Should I take into acount the other's involved ? Probably.

I think I am alone in this to be honest. So I am going to mentally treat this as if I am. If I am wrong, I'll deal with that when it comes up.

So I am busy and now I am planning to be sleeping.

Oh - I ate Pina coloda flavored Cashews tonight for dinner - I HIGHLY recommend these.

Au Revoir - Fait de beau reves!