Next Steps

All this introspection is exhausting.

Worth it, but really exhausting.

No matter how much I tell you guys that it doesn't matter that I will be alone on Thanksgiving for the first time EVER - it does matter.

Evidently more than I thought too, I called up one of my good friends who normally hosts, and she's not hosting this year due to a death in the family over the summer. This was my "safe school". Oops. I actually invited myself ( she would have too if the roles were reversed) because we have that kind of relationship. She felt bad and totally understood where I was coming from on certain points like the family member who's hosting the day and didn't invite me. She knows this person and agree's that they are being vindictive to the wrong people. She also said that even if I get an invite from her, stay home - otherwise the doormat that I once was will continue.

That person is a lonely person and I am not lonely - I normally don't have any issues being by myself. I don't wallow or ruminate. I just "am". A major holiday though - that's a different story.

This is a weird year. people who normally cook aren't, those who don't, are and people who never go away are away. It's just weird. It's like the world went on and left me here and I never knew there was that kind of change in the air.

So I haven't officially decided whether I am going up to Westport CT or if I am staying home by myself or somewhere in between yet. I probably won't decide until next week officially.

It still confounded me that this little thing - and let's be realistic - it's a "little" thing, really bothers me. So I am trying to work through it - like an adult. It's not easy because all these emotions get in the way. But that's all right - better to get them OUT of the way so they don't stay bottled up.

I'll get through this one. And my lesson is, that person in my family really doesn't want to have family. I keep trying to take care of them as my dad would have wanted, but they don't want it. So I have to make peace with the fact that they don't choose to be part of the family due to the issues that happened between them and another member. It just sucks that they are trying to make me have to pay for it. I have to make peace with the fact that I will never see my family memories and heirlooms again too. That's just stuff, but it's a part of my personal history. I'm glad I have the few I have already. I am going to have to be selective - something I hate - about the nature of our relationship moving forward. They want to have one, but I am beng relegated to "acquaintance" now, which I have a problem with.

Damnit. I did NOTHING wrong here. And I am being "taught" a lesson for it. They know that they are wrong for this too, otherwise more people would know about it. They have a habit of telling the free world when I have done something to upset them. And EVERYTHING I do is wrong. I don't lose weight the way they want, I don't dress the way they want, I don't eat the way the want, wear my hair the way they want, sing the way they want ( or not at all is their preference), worship the way the want, I know too much, I don't know enough.

You know what this is? The map of an insecure mind. This person is old enough to my parent, and they are so insecure that they need to be-little and berate others to be on top.

I have always known this and felt sorry for them. NOw I realize they have been doing it to me too... all along. If you can't beat them join them??? hell no. I have my own insecurities and they have been fed by this person for 25 years. Well. Those days are over too. Just a few days ago, they called me up to tell me that they had a medical test that I had inquired about a couple of weeks ago. It turned out negative which is wonderful. Then they told me the only reason they had it was to prove they were of sound mind when they updated their will.

That was uncalled for. I don't give a crap what they do with their "things". At the end of the day, those "things" are just things. I called them the next morning to tell them that the statement that was made and the spirit in which it was made, was not fair. At the end of the day, given the options, as much of a pain in the ass as they are, I would rather have them here. healthy. And That I resented the implication that I was a mercenary waiting around for death. We aren't like that and we weren't raised that way. They were properly conciliatory but not as much as I would have hoped. I don't think they believed me.

I thought this was a good first step to making the necessary changes to make me better and happier.


Yayyyyyyyy me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forgive and Forget

I just read someones blog that I don't normally read. http://cheaters-and-cheated.blogspot.com/ is definitely a sad story. I found something interesting though that made me think.

In reviewing the comments posted several people mentioned the concept of forgiving and forgetting. The general consensus is that if you can't forgive AND forget you may as well bag the whole thing.

But is it?

I have always been the person who forgives and forgets. Once I make the decision to let it go, it's gone. This is the main reason I have the ability to remain friends with almost ALL of my ex's including one specific relationship that I am not too proud of.

So it brings to the forefront the question - "can one forgive but not forget"? I have two members of my family that can't. Ironically they aren't speaking to each other at the moment either. And no it's not a coincidence.

My personal answer here is, I can, but what to do about those that can't??? Do I a)continue on trying to repair the relationship or do I b)just bag it or do I c) continue on and not worry about what they do.

I have chosen option "C". Once I am done and let it go, I continue on with the relationship and work at it. Eventually I may bag it due to lack of reciprocity but I will give it my all until I have had enough. I have a long fuse. This is what works best for me and truth be told I would feel like a failure if I just walked away without an effort. So this is what I am working at continuing. I like this trait in me, and no one gets to tell me it's bad or wrong.

It makes me curious though. Since my true closest friends are the forgive and forget types ( regardless of the infraction by the way), I don't really deal with the other except for those family members that are like that. And trust me - that's accommodated BECAUSE it's family. So my curiosity on this is simply, how do you hold onto all that baggage and still function? I mean, seriously? It seems like it would be A LOT to have to mentally file through when deciding if you are going to open up to a new person. It also seems to be a lot of work to have a friend who may have made a mistake that hurt you or made you angry and have to keep filtering how you deal with them. It almost seems dishonest in a way. You know what you CAN talk about and you know what you CAN'T talk about. I don't think with true friends you should have to filter subject matter.

I find it infinitely more peaceful to forget the bad in the past and work towards a future of good. But there's something to be said for forgiveness but not forgetting what was done - IF YOU CAN LEARN FROM IT. But if all you are doing it holding onto the past hurt or infraction for self protection, not only didn't you learn from it, but it tends to make you bitter and angry when you come across that again. You also run the risk of never being able to completely open up to another person.

Which brings me again to my dear Maple Mama. In one her comments to my post this week, she became my memory. She remembered how I can open up willingly and give of myself to another person because she has seen me do it. This is part of it. I thank goodness she remembers these things, because it reminded me that I CAN do this and I CAN open up to others. I just have to go with my instincts and be the person that I am supposed to be, not the person that others want me to be. In other words, when I open up and get hurt, I have to forgive, forget and move on. Mourn the loss and put it away on the shelf. Dust it off when I am ready to examine it clinically for a learning purpose. I used to do it, Maplemama has seen it so clearly there's proof there. As weird as it sounds, I usually wake up one day and the world is right again and happy and I have moved on.

One of the forgive-but-not-forget family members would love nothing more than for me to be like them. This person spends a lot of time being negative and expecting the worst in everyone. I don't view people like that. I never did. But I have spent a lot of time with this person and I started to realize that I was viewing people very critically and expecting to be disappointed. And I didn't like it much. So I let that go and went back to being me. It helped that during that time my childhood best friend and I were talking quite a good deal, which is really cool by the way, and as she has a tendency to be cautious and I am the optimistic one, it really helped me gain my perspective back. She always said that I see the good in people. She's right I do. I just have to keep being me.

What a concept.

By the way, here's a picture of Lena ( my child hood best friend), our first boyfriend, Kyle and I at my 4th birthday party. Look, I even have a tiara - I was a contessa even then. Just ask my mother.

Playing safe in the neighorhood

I'm piggy backing on Maple Mama a little bit here but the information I have now is really important.

And mind boggling.

I tend to have a very positive view of the world and human nature. So it is incomprehensible that there are human beings out there who want to harm children physically, emotionally or any other way.

I have Friends and Family who have been through this before, so it's very real, but I can't get wrap my mind around the kind of person who would do these things. I have a tendency to try and get into the mind of the person to react in the most fair way possible. I literally try to stand in their shoes to understand where they are coming from before acting. Having said that I cannot do it with these types of people. I don't get it.

The damage that ensues from both the physical and emotional trauma is sometimes so intense that it takes a long time to get past. So education and prevention is very important.

I agree with Maple mama that you have to run a fine line with teaching kids about this. They need to know to be cautious but you don't want them petrified to leave the house. I don't have children myself, but I have been trained to identify abuse in many forms. No matter whether the kids are related to me, or students, or friends' kids, I am always looking out for them and their well being.

I check myspace regularly for my students ( under the age limit or suggestion as I call it since there is no way to enforce it!) and my friends' kids. I also check those that are of age to make sure that not too much personal information is being given out. I warn them that I scan so they know that I do and why.

My new sister-in-law sent me a wonderful website called http://www.familywatchdog.us. I checked it out myself and was astonished to note how many sex offenders of varying degrees live in my town - none too close to me, but in town none-the-less. There is in fact a building that I swear has a policy that states if you DON'T have a sex offense charge you can't live there as so many occupants do. Thankfully that's not in my town.

What is neat about this website, is you put in your address, and a map pops up, your house is marked by a house and the schools are posted and the whereabouts of the sex offenders are noted around the maps. You click on any one of the sex offender dots and that person's address, picture and the specific crimes that they were convicted of come up. There are different color codes for child molestation, rape, sexual battery and "other". Each color has a corresponding color for the work location of these people as well.

It was very much a wake up call to me as my stomach kept turning over as I saw more and live ( and might I say skeevy) people, mostly men, but surprisingly some women, come up on my screen. Seeing them face to face like that just made me ill.

The website also has tips about teaching kids and helping them identify what is OK and what is not. I thought it was a well done website that as long as it is updated regularly will be an invaluable tool to parents.

I have sent it off to most of my family at this time and have plans to forward to all my friends.

Please check it out and forward it as this could make a difference!

For your reference here it is one last time: http://www.familywatchdog.us

Self Protection and Introspection

I discovered last night, that the loneliness that I am feeling now, is specifically holiday related.

I am not even sure that I am willing to go so far as to call it loneliness. It's more like being hurt that no one wants me around for the Holiday. (Other than Maple Mama and one other friend in New England of course).

Now the logical and realistic part of me says that I am being ridiculous, I would absolutely be with my family if they were here! My mom is away, my brother with his in-laws, my step mom is having company but hasn't invited me, my friends are away or working. So my issues are a smidgeon irrational.

But it brought up a new problem. If I were married, this wouldn't be a problem. If I were even engaged, it wouldn't be a problem. Of course I would have different problems LOL....

So go ahead. what's the next logical question? Why am I not married?

It can't be that I "just haven't met the right chap". Though I can safely tell you that lately I haven't. One prospect but no high hopes at this time.

Nope, its fear. I am afraid of having my heart broken and I am afraid of getting divorced. Yes, I am jumping the gun dramatically here. I don't even have someone in my life to be worrying about this crap WITH! My friends have been married and divorced, some multiple times, and it hasn't killed any of them. It hasn't sent any of them over the edge of sanity and all of them have re-married or found someone else. So why am I so afraid?

My parents divorced at an early age. My dad took it very badly ( it was more a sense of failure I think than losing his wife) and spent the early years of my life drinking himself out of the pain . this is mainly why I drink less now and never when emotional pain is that bad. My mom, ultimately ended up marrying one of my dad's closest friends. A man she didn't even like when my folks were together. Watching what my dad went through I can't imagine the heartbreak. When people divorce there is usually one who wants it more than the other. My dad was the one who didn't want it. Too much upheaval of his way of life. But he knew they weren't happy.

What sticks out in my mind most, is how we would go to him on the weekends, in the town I currently live in, and we would go to a bar/restaurant for dinner for us and drinks for him on Friday, Saturday he would leave money on the dining room table so I could walk to the 7-11 next door and get cereal, milk, chef boyardee and car food and carton of cigarettes for him. He would sleep most of the day and then maybe an activity in the late afternoon and dinner.

It never bothered me that I was taking care of my dad and my brother at the age of 10. But I realized that in taking care of my dad and watching him mend his broken heart that that may have taken a toll on me that I didn't realize. So I self protected and didn't allow my heart to be available in a healthy way.

So again upon reflecting, I now know that I need to be braver and take more risks. Not just with the mundane things, like auditions and stuff, but with my heart. I'm not really good at it, but I'm willing to try. I tend to only let my heart go to people who can guarantee to break it, or be unavailable to it. A self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. So, my plan now is to change that. Completely. Change is coming to me easier now that I am more humble about the weight loss changes I needed to make. So we add this to the list of things that I am working on.

I had an entire conversation with myself as if I were the therapist and and the patient last night. That's when it occured to me what was wrong. It was rather funny - BUT ( and here's the whole WW thing in context) I used one of the Tools for living to have that conversation and get to the root of the problem! A big step for me! Such a cool postive change and I am proud of myself for doing it on something truly hard.

This is a big deal for me. Until Last night, I have never really thought out what I was doing that was wrong here. So this holiday season, I can safely tell you that taking those risks with my heart is going to be tough, but I am willing to try. That prospect I mentioned, I think I need to arrange a meeting.. ... He's cute and brilliant and a musician! can't pass up that opp!

A special Thanks to Post-Doc and Maple Mama for having the courage and honesty to post the difficult stuff. I am only just getting brave enough to write it here at all!

Interesting development - Word of the day - Blah

I started about 3 posts over the past few days. None got published but in reading them I realized that each one pointed to the same specific problem.

It's me.

I have this insecurity about myself that only manifests every now and again in some interesting ways.

The three posts very specifically display this.

The titles are Political Shenanigans in the Musical World, Loneliness is and Maybe I'm over-reacting.

The first one took place over the weekend and it was about the politics in selecting soloists and the audition process. ( Yes I got the one I wanted). The shenanigans were legit, but they bothered me anyway.

The second one was actually Maybe I'm over-reacting and was about two mutual friends of mine who I see once per week. It has become obvious that I have become the third wheel and it was bothering me. Now that has since resolved itself as well.

The last one, Loneliness is, is about the fact that I will be alone for Thanksgiving this year for the first time ever, not by choice, To be with my family I have to go away and I can't afford that as I have church on thanksgiving eve and thanksgiving day. So I am going to be alone. And I am not really sure how I feel about it yet. Since I'm not overjoyed, or wildly ecstatic - I won't jump straight to "wow I'm looking forward to this". I'm not sure that I am upset by it and I am not frantically calling every person I know to wangle an invite. But I wouldn't mind one. Weird. I could go up to the restaurant where Eeman plays since he will be there working that night, I could order in a Thanksgiving dinner, or make whatever I want. But I like to be around people as it is my favorite holiday ever. It's a week and change away so there's no pressure....

These three posts, which will never be published so don't look for them, really made me see that my insecurities are there regardless of how much I bury them.

1. I am a talented musician: I sing beautifully and work hard at it. I play the flute beautifully and the piano. I am a dynamite teacher. I had an off day at the audition and I know what I need to do to make sure that doesn't happen again.

2. As for my friends, One of them I have spoken to and the other I will speak to at some other point when I see her. Both of them are good friends and I really think that had some over-reaction happening.

3. The Thanksgiving things were just bad timing.

I keep working hard to not take these things personally ( they all happened within 48 hours of each other). I am usually very self assured but for some reason these three things struck an insecure chord in me.

I'm not unhappy or sad or depressed or anything like that. I'm just marking time for lack of a better expression. I'm not exhilarated or anything like that, but I'm just kind of 'here'.

Blah is a good description.

Obsessive need to Organize

When I was young, my obsessive need to organize only took hold when my mother made me clean my room.

yes - "made me".

I have only two methods, Do it right or don't do it at all.

So when time was lacking, don't do it at all became the preferred method.

I now have Maria coming twice a week. This relieves me of the "don't do it at all" guilt that I go through. It also enables me to live in my happy little home without the stress of major upkeep.

She's worth every penny.

But every so often ( usually the week she is coming), I get into this pick up the house routine that is more than just clean off the surfaces of the mail and what not ( that takes 15 minutes tops!). I end up organizing my bookshelves (now they look neat and orderly and I've discovered that I need more!) and went through the 9 zillion catalogues that I have received and pulled the pages out that are important to me and put them in a box. I filed my important papers and discovered that the file cabinet needs major revamping. I am seriously going to have to remove everything and redo it.

What makes this unusual from when I was a child, is that now, I can look at that file cabinet, knowing full well the disaster area it has become ( more music than files and its' not really using the best system. ) and walk away due to time constraints, but put it on the to-do list to not be overlooked on a weekend somewhere. I used to lock myself in my room for 4-8 hours and when I was done, every drawer was re-lined with shelf paper., every clothing item was refolded and sorted by color, the desk was re-organized to suit my latest projects, my closet tidied up to accommodate the seasonal clothing. I would organize my jewelry box, my bathroom, my sitting room. This is my "do it right" mode.

My room most of my life was a mess. Largely due to my ability to "drop" tasks that have little or no importance to the project at hand. That project back then, was life. I was as busy then as I am now. Maybe more so. So "don't do it at all" was more the mode than "do it right".

Hence my mother "MADE ME" clean my room.

It was a source of comedy in our house, my mom would send both my brother and I to clean up our rooms. He would be done in 15 minutes. I would be done in 4-8 hours. the difference was my room was a clean as clean could be - literally. My brother? Don't open the closet..... it's an avalanche waiting to happen.

So I have learned how to combat my natural urge to start a job and finish it "properly". well, not combat really, more like redefine what properly means for the time I have allotted to the job. Tonight's job I had allotted 2 hours for and at an hour and half I had papers and catalogues all over the floor. So after filing, and seeing the disarray there, it occurred to me that that is a second job not an inclusive part of the first and should be done at another time. I do have to go to be tonight as I am working in the morning!

Words of Wisdom for the day.....

"Don't spill juice on your laptop"

And yes, that's exactly what happened.

This morning, I had an early conference call, joined it and then the cat decided he wanted some love.

OK, I can multi task while I am listening.

I pick him up, put him on my lap, and his tail swoops out and knocks the glass of juice BEHIND me and it splashes on to the keyboard.

yes, from the table BEHIND me.

Not seconds later, the laptop fizzles and shuts down.

I don't panic or get mad, I call in my ticket. I told them that one of my kids knocked the juice. ( That's not a lie, my cats are my kids!). Then I get the hairdryer and put it on the cool setting and start drying out the interior of the laptop.

So I am awaiting for a callback from the tech, and meanwhile I am setting up backups for my work for the day possibly two. I had made three calls, when the tech called me back. He went in search of a motherboard for me, and would call me back.

I get in touch with my back up for Order Assignment detail. She's mad at me, and I had NO idea why. Then she told me that our boss decided ( without speaking to me at all) that she was going to pick up 100% of my work for the day.

Unacceptable. I have way to much work and there is no one person that can accommodate their own workload plus all of mine. So I have been making all these arrangements and in one fell swoop they are undone. So while she and I are working through the details of the tasks she needs to today( and happier about it because it is a one shot deal), I call our boss. I tell him what I've put in place and that solved the problem.

So now I have done everything I can do at this point, so being industrious, I decide to do my 30 minute 30 walking DVD. I reflect at this point, that as soon as I start, this guy is going to call me back. And three minutes in, that's precisely what happened.

So now it's noon. I need to meet him by 12:30. The Laptop is STILL not booting up and I tell a colleague as I am packing up to go into the office, the damn thing is going to boot up perfectly once it gets into the tech's hands.

And it does. I curse the thing silently. He takes it apart, cleans it up, puts it back together and send me on my way. Without a new motherboard. And since we really cleaned it up, the keyboard hasn't worked this good in years. the Space bar broke, so I gorilla glue'd back together and re-attached it and it's unbelievably sensitive.

I was back on line and working by 2PM. A minor miracle in this company. usually this is 1-2 day gig. So I am pretty impressed that we got things moving and I met the two major deadlines that I needed to today.

So my words of wisdom to impart: Don't spill juice near your computer.

Meetings and Recreational Party Planning

I was late. Again.

sigh.

Traffic here gets worse every year. But that's not my issue. My issue here is that I am late - again. I was late getting to my lesson. And late leaving.

Making me late to my Kiwanis board meeting.

Again.

Fortunately I wasn't OVERLY late getting there. And I love these meetings this year. We have a great board and lots of good ideas and great people.

So I pull into Commerce Bank, and I am thrilled that it is not the torrential downpour it was last month.

They are kind and waiting for me... I haven't missed much. And then I saw it.

Pepperoni and Cheese and Crackers. I haven't had dinner and my stomach was making rude noises.

Yep - I ate it. But I mentally kept a tally and a tick mark on my agenda sheet and ran home and put it in my online food journal. I drank 32 oz of water while I was there and we were really productive in our planning. I also got 15 dollars out of the deal ( reimbursement :-) ). 6 points worth of this. I should be glad it wasn't cookies or cake!

The thing that I love most about holding our meetings at the bank ( our treasurer is a manager there), is that we HAVE to be done by 8PM. Sharp. The bank auto locks at that hour.

So I am home, all journaled and still hungry. I made a mock grilled cheese sandwich. (5 points compared to 13) and my phone rang. Jenna wanted to talk about the party we were helping to plan.

Now this is fun. Creative juices flowing. We were checking out websites. We found centerpieces, party favors, autograph ideas ( thank you Lew!) and table settings and colors.
I LOVE to plan parties and so does Jenna. She has such a great flare for this stuff too - we were having a ball ( Lew was listening to us and watching the game at the same time! He's so funny!) This party is going to be awesome!

I did my Firm program today for 45 minutes.

I am feeling so vindicated.

THE SCALE MOVED DOWNWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whining doesn't get you anywhere

I want to thank you all for letting me whine yesterday. It was actually very cathartic for me and the overall answer is that I need to have faith that if I am doing all the right things and setting my smaller goals for myself that eventually my body will catch up. The good news is that I did write down my specific goal of 10 pounds by Christmas. I also ate healthfully and smart choices today and I did a 30 minutes power walk on the Walking DVD that I purchased over the weekend to help me get through the holidays. I'm feeling A LOT better about this.

I'm not as stressed about what happens when I lose the weight to the big goal, it's a long way off and I don't need to address it today. I just need to enjoy and learn on this journey and remember that these changes are full lifestyle ones so I need to do what makes the most sense for my life.

The one change I plan to make is to add a 10 minute power walk every morning with these DVD's before work. That will be in addition to the Firm Body Sculpting 3 days a week and the 30 mins walk 4 days a week. This is totally doable and I will add more or change it as needed.

On a sad note, Rod passed away due to a fall in the shower causing him to bleed out. The memorial service was in Tampa on Saturday and I didn't find out until Sunday. Even if our email server had been up on Saturday I wouldn't have been able to get to Tampa for it and no details were provided. So I am planning to do a toast in his honor with some of his friends. It's only right and I feel that he would nod his approval from heaven and be only too pleased when I yell BON BON across the room at some poor unsuspecting soul. And I'll do it too! He'll laugh. I miss him. I just really hope that he didn't suffer overly much.

So today I chatted with Jenna and we started looking at party favors and decorations for eeeman's birthday party. It's starting to get fun now.

I have some basic housekeeping to do that I did not get done this weekend.... laundry, dishes that sort of thing. But I was in phenomenal voice this weekend and I am trying not to get the col that keeps threatening to arrive - I am on airborn constantly, using my neti pot and just keeping my voice warmed up. I was popping out the F's from Der Holle Racht all weekend better than I ever have and that sucker is HARD. Melody and I talked about it and decided that when you sing those notes, you feel them in places of your body that you didn't think you could imagine. I'll let you imagine that.

Lastly, things with the benefactor are interesting. I definitely have the upper hand right now, and though I am not comfortable with any one person having an upper hand in a relationship, I think that balance of power has somewhat shifted from the parent to the child. The child now, is calling the shots in the relationship. The good news is, since I am the child, and I am the person that I am, that means that I am making the terms of this relationship more in tune with me, while still honoring the person that she is. You see, there are facets of her personality ( largely anger and insecurity and all the things that make that up - lying, CYA, embellishment, flash emotions, anger, negativity) that I do not care for but do recognize why they are there. And you have to take the fleas with the dog. But I am choosing to use frontline on this relationship. I have put into practice the ruleset that I live by with every other person that I know. I have good relationships with my friends and my family and this one is going to fit me this time as well as her. I think this will be a good thing. We don't talk every day anymore either, but it's every other day.

I doubt highly that the zebra will change her stripes, but I feel that she needs to have the opportunity to try. I will not abandon her, she is family and has no one else and I won't have that. But I won't go back to the relationship that we had as it was overly dysfunctional. A step past the line of normal dysfunction..... LOL!!!

Things are falling into place, slowly.........

Fears

I was "taking stock" today after a weight watcher meeting.

In doing so, I found out that I am afraid of losing my weight.

I know this sounds stupid. Overweight people want to be thin and thin people want to stay thin. So why am I afraid of being thin?

I really sorted through this. I mulled it over for most of the day in fits and spurts.

It's not doing the work to get there. I am certainly not afraid of hard work. I have no problem in doing the hard work to improve myself.

I once lost 40 Lbs on WW. Not that long ago either. I gained some back due to necessary bout of oral corticosteroids and then lost that weight in order to gain it all back when my dad died.

I can tell you specifically why and how I gained it all back. And then some. I can tell you WHAT I ate and how much and how little activity I was getting to counteract it.

Today's meeting was not different from any other. There were no words of wisdom imparted that were new or unusual. The topic was typical. It was motivating Strategies. Nothing new for me. But something my leader said smacked me in the core of my being. And it worried me through most of the day,.

I am afraid to be thin because being thin means I have to change the work I am doing to maintain it and it's for LIFE. The fear of failure isn't a problem, I don't fail. rather than fail, I just don't try, unless I KNOW I can do it.

So what is holding me back? Seriously I did a lot of soul searching on this one. The fact is the only thing holding me back is the fear of what happens next when I am thin. I have NEVER been thin and I have never NOT had to diet or exercise. I don't know what it's like to be thin. Thinner than I am now? yes, but thin? nooooooooo.

So really it's not just the fear of being thin, but the fear of the unknown.

Now those of you who are being logical here, might say, you have everything to gain by losing the weight. Better Health, better looking, clothes that fit, feeling good, more energy. The list goes on but that's what jumps to mind first.

I have written several posts in the past 6 months saying that I've got it and I get it. But I don't have it and I don't get it. well.... I GET it. But reality is I only had it for a short while. I have to get over the fear of what comes next. I don't know where I got the courage to do it the first time before dad died, and the stakes weren't so high then. Then dad died and my courage seemed to go with him.

I need to find my courage. Courage to do this, and not be afraid. I need to do this. It's the right thing for me and I KNOW it deep in my heart and my core. And I truly do want it. But I don't know how to get past the fear of the goal and enjoy the journey.

I am open to suggestions from my WW girls ( I know you secretly read this J&L!). It's a quality of life and I think one of the things I have to do is find something else that will comfort me when I need it rather than food. That's naturally starting to happen anyway, but at the end of the day, I really need to have a better comfort and safety system.

This program works for control freaks like me. It really does. But though they regularly address the life changes you need to make for this program to work, I can't seem to get that into my brain.

I am doing better with the program overall. I drink my water, I am back to exercising ( properly I might add) regularly, my food system is supportive of my needs without giving me the ingredients to make the bomb. I journal online each day, every morsel.... HONESTLY. I take my vitamins and try very hard to get all my fruits and veggies in as well as my dairy. The tasks are relatively easy. I just feel like my courage, not my power really, but my courage is buried somewhere and I am not sure how to access that.

Maybe perseverance will unearth it, but do I want to rely on "maybe"? I need to not be afraid of the goal. Which is currently 10 LBs. I want to get 10lbs off right now. I want to do that by Christmas as a gift to me. I have the courage to do that little bit. We'll see after that.

I have never honestly been afraid of anything real. And to come to terms with this today after the meeting kind of made me take a step back and really think long and hard about this.

I need the help and the support and I am willing to do the work and am not afraid of that part. So I will try working on the 10lbs by Christmas. We'll see how that goes.

I will need a lot of support on this and I'm warning everyone here up front.

I don't have "it" yet. But I'm working on it.

I now define "it" as courage.

Stay tuned. The definition of "it" will change.

The Godfather

My adopted Godfather ( my real one is who knows where), passed away on Halloween.
The exact email that I received went like this:

Friends, I’m sorry to have to inform you that Rod passed away yesterday after a long bout with cancer. He was a true friend to us all, sharing everything he had, asking only friendship in return. We all appreciate his rarity of character in our otherwise self-centered world. He will be missed.

It was perfectly written and though short, it captured the essence of what Rod was about.

He had pancreatic cancer. There was not much that could be done to save him.
Rod was a fantastic person. As UB put it, rare in this world. The expression "would give the shirt off his back" was an understatement.
We don't know too much right now, other than he has passed. We have heard that he would like to be cremated and his ashes buried at Arlington National Cemetery he was a Vietnam Vet). He is still in Florida as far as we know. The not knowing is hard for me.

I spent a little bit of time tracking down some friends of his, people that worked for him. It was tough to express it. By the time I got to WCC I was in a better place to talk about it.

He was 57 years old. He had a large family but not a close family life. He friends meant the world to him. He truly only asked for friendship in return. We were very close. I can't define the relationship too well, other than that. He was a part of my family. He was a lot of fun but he could drive you insane. He was ridiculously intelligent, but couldn't spell. I always said that his mom shortened his name from Roderick to Rod because he couldn't spell. He refused to clean his monitor at the office - he called it his anti- glare screen. He had rottweilers who hated women but loved me more than they even loved him.

He loved to spoil those around him and he has seen a lot of sad times and a lot of happy times. He attended my dad's wake, he came to my concerts ( when I had solos), he had me play for his wedding, I cat sat, dog sat, bird sat for him. He was my boss for awhile. He was my neighbor. My family always spent New Years with him.

One of our favorite shared memories was my Junior year of college when I was home student teaching, working at their company at night for some extra money. Rod, UB, my mom and Elle (Rod's Wife) decided to go to a french restaurant "La Grenouille". There, I had my first glass of truly expensive red wine. And Let me tell you the difference between inexpensive and expensive can only be described as whoooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I had Lobster - shelled. Unreal. But the part the we laughed about for 10+ years afterward was dessert. He didn't really eat dessert. But they put a bowl of the these chocolate balls. They were like chocolate balls of butter. So of course, the broadway crowd thins. It's a sudden lull in the restaurant and Rod yells "Bon Bon" and points to the bowl. We all cracked up. It's been a private joke between us for years. If I close my eyes, I can hear him saying it and laughing that laugh he has.

I am mixing my tenses and I realize it, but I am purposely not correcting it. I just can't believe that he's not here anymore and the laughter has ended. So the tenses will be mixed for awhile.

He was a special man. He was loved by most everyone. He's with Bear and Ibo now.

Rod - Ibo has a balloon in his mouth for you!

BON BON!!!

My friends at work.

When you go to a school like a performing arts school or culinary or anything where you can show your skills off in the limelight, you are bound to be in a position at some point to see your friends at work.

We always TALK about work but that's different. Because you get the opinion commentary with it. I hear that a lot in my primary job. My colleagues are ever surprised to hear me deal with a difficult customer and have them wildly happy or at least calm at the end of the conversation, yet I hang up the phone and have a stream of expletives on that individual.

So I had the double opportunity last night to go to a concert for my Linnie girl, the daughter of good close friends of mine. She sang beautifully and has frightening stage presence. She will go far that young lady will. She has grown into a lovely young woman.

Her teachers in middle school and High school are friends of mine. Her high school teacher could be my sister except that we have the same name, spelled the same and the same birthday. I met her through her mom who sings in my church choir. Her husband is a really warm great guy and they are neat people. She and I have the same interests, we both sing, she has sung with the same groups that I sing with. She has two kids. Her son is my buddy. He is a ham on the stage. I sing with him a lot. He's 8 and what a talented kid.

So they left me a free ticket at the door, R&B saved me a seat with the family ( 2 rows worth, Linnie has her own personal fan club!) and I watched some of the most talented teenagers that Syosset has to offer perform. I was impressed. They put on a great show. It was clear they worked hard. Watching my friends organize, play in pit and conduct was a hoot. They are dynamite! I was duly impressed to watch her conduct the concert choir in a tune from Fame. It was unreal. In tune, well done, dynamically accurate and they were having FUN. They are some awesome teachers and are well loved by their students.

I am always in awe of my friends when I see them in their professional garb. I have another friend who is now a doctorate in Music. It came as no surprise to me to see that. He is a professor and director of a few choirs/choruses. I have seen the pictures and I am going to try to make it to a performance since he is local to me.

BernieRA is another one. He is probably the only one that I know that regardless of what he is doing with his professional life, I can picture him doing it. And well. He's got integrity that I don't find every day in this profession we have all chosen. He's has it when he performs ( with that gorgeous voice of his), when he teaches, anything. He is a model of integrity for me.

I would be remiss if I didn't include 2 well loved favorite teachers, my mom and Am. My mom is currently teaching kids who are kids of the first class she ever taught in this district. It's kind of a hoot for her. But all their parents remember her fondly and how fun she is and how much they learn from her. No matter what direction the world has gone, my mom has a new and fresh way to teach these kids in their own language. She is always abreast of the latest in her field and how to include that in her lessons. My mom likes all the classics including the backstreet boys, Santana and Josh Grobin. Its a hoot to see her CD collection.

Am has a lot of musical theater under belt as she does at least one per year with her school. Some years ( like this one ) two. She teaches advanced music theory and of course choirs/ chorus. her kids LOVE her, as anyone who see's her myspace can attest to. I have never seen her teach but I know that it would be a riot to watch! She is another one who is creative and likes anything that is NOT in the mainstream both for personal and professional.

Not to be outdone, we have Maple Mama who so diligently works to provide cultural arts to the fine residents of Vermont. And she does this with style and flare. Just like she did in college. She was good at giving tours, creating experiences ( some not to be mentioned here), organizing events and handling large groups of people. I think that this is her special gift and talent and it thrills me to no end each time I hear about some event that she put together or some kind of mishap that she smoothed over ( and there is ALWAYS a mishap!). She does a fantastic job with this. Before this gig, she did a fabulous job with the Teddy bear man and I have the bear to prove it. She really helped that business grow to the corporate world it has grown to. She is a true asset to any organization.

So last night was a neat surprise for me in an other wise sad day. On a side note and a topic for a separate post, we lost a dear friend and member of our family to pancreatic cancer yesterday.

I met my identical hand ( voice) twin!

Those of you who are "Friends" fans will remember Joey's famous line "I've met my identical hand twin!". And he thought they would make a lot of money on this....

Well, I have finally met the person who blends with me vocally. I have been dealing for a long while with not getting duet's and such because the director can't blend other's to my sound. It's really tough on singers because though it's not intended to be personal, it is personal. I can blend with most folks when I have some practice time ahead of me. But this director takes your natural sound and goes with that. Both ways are good, its a matter of taste I suppose.

But as we are headed towards our last few rehearsals to performance she has changed our seating from a big circle, to 2 rows and then to three. Each time I was seated next to Melody. She is younger by 10 years, very outgoing, beautiful voice. For awhile, I was intimidated. But as I got to know her better that went away and I started to suspect we might sing well together.

When we went to the 2 row config last week, I was positive. I called her midweek after rehearsal and told her this. We car pooled this week, and at rehearsal she was standing next to me in three row again and low and behold she passed me a note that said, OMG this blend is so FREAKY. I had to laugh.

We did some tests in the car and yup. Its there. I think she is going to do a duet with me at my recital. Then next year we have plans to learn any duets together before the audition and show the director what we are truly made of.

The other by-product of this is, I have a new friend.

Now, for those of you who know me, I always have a large circle of people whom I consider friends. I was not actually in the market for this one to be honest, but I am not in the least bit upset about it. It was a wonderful surprise. What is truly funny is how similar we are. She is me at that age. Right down to her looks. She's bright and funny, vivacious, personable and all the things that I was then and am the older version of now.

Most of my friends are older than I am, by a good amount. 10 + years is the norm actually. I have my best friends from college and my best friend from childhood, but by and large my friends have always been older. I have never been the older one. So this is uncharted territory for me. Not bad, just different. I think it will be fun to be the older one for a change, though we look similar enough to be sisters. Crazy.

So all in all, I am very pleased with this new development.

Halloween

Halloween - All Hallows Eve. The day/night that departed souls come out and dance on their graves.

My mom does a Halloween listening exercise with her students that she has been doing since I was in the third grade. I love it to death and I think I am going to do it myself this year.

She's puts on Danse Macabre by Camille Saint Saens and gives the kids paper and crayons and tells them to draw what they think or feel based on the music. She plays it once. Then she plays it a second time and they get to draw. We used to do this as kids and it is amazing the pictures that the kids produce. This a tradition that I think I am going to start again.

It pains me that the world is no longer safe enough for kids to go out trick or treating anymore. And even though some neighborhoods are still OK to do this in, the treats they get are still suspect. When I was young the worst thing we had to worry about were razor blades in apples and our parents just didn't let us eat things that weren't sealed or from a trusted source. You can't even do that anymore.

More property damage is done by the living than the dead would ever bother with. Their whole gig is to rise up and dance on their graves in an orderly fashion until midnight when All Saints day dawns then they return to their graves until next year. So why do the living have to make this night about damage - Property or otherwise? Even well behaved kids are looking to buy shaving cream and eggs. Animal shelters stop allowing the adoption of black cats in the beginning of September. Our parents used to talk about "the crazies" who only targeted kids on Halloween.What has the world come to when the true targets of a fun holiday are children and animals?

This year my usual Halloween party is not happening and I'm pretty sure if I arrived on a doorstep in costume with no kids, at the most I'd get laughed at and at the least they'd call the cops. I'm sad because Lilli usually throws this party and it's WONDERFUL. We have the best time and she goes all out. So I didn't plan to get a costume this year. So last week when my director suggested we all come in costume to our rehearsal and have a gathering afterward I almost died laughing. So I looked at the two that I have readily available and I am going as a bar maid. I'll send pics. this aught to be a hoot.

I am bringing my camera as no one will believe this!!!

It's not just a kids holiday.

Time ... unexpected

Today was my sister-in-law's baby shower, She's due in December.

The shower was being held in Pennsylvania and My new sister-in-law, my mom and I were planning to drive over.

The Weather however, caused a problem and gale force winds, flooding and torrential rain caused us to call off the trip. At 6:30 AM.

I should be grateful that we called it off that early, but I really didn't like waking up an hour before the alarm because I KNOW I will be up longer tham I want to. I was right, I was unable to fall back asleep until 9:30 ish. So now, I am asleep until nearly 1PM.

I guess I needed the rest. It was weird though. I don't do that unless I am sick normally...

But I decided to use the found time to do things for me. I wasn't really planning to organize anything and my brain really wasn't with it. I caught up with some friends( Bernie,Maplemama, and Lena) then I got the ironing board out and the iron and pulled down my winter curtains and slipcovers for the furniture and pressed and changed everything out in the living room. Then I lit some candles, pulled out my heavier afghans and watched a terrible movie. Do not rent Friends with money. I want my 5 dollars back and those 2 hours of my life.

I feel at peace today, the fountain in the foyer is running, the living room is set for winter, I pulled out my fall/winter housewarmer candles. I poured myself a nice glass of wine and I'm planning a hot bath later.

It felt weird to have NO plans. Nothing needing my attention, no one needing me to be present, nothing that I HAD to do. Not even anything that I WANTED to do. Yes, I SHOULD have gone to WW, but I didn't want to go outside to be honest. All I wanted to do was putter around my house and "nest".

I had French Fries for lunch. I will have soup for dinner. Maybe a crusty roll with it.

It was a pleasant day any way you look at it. And it was all the more pleasant because it was unexpected.

The aftermath and new realizations

I bought a clock.

That's it above. Its somewhat of an antique and I had been eyeing for awhile. So rather than eat every stitch of food in the house or go buy a pint or 5 of B&J or an entire bakery cake for myself ( In my defense I have never done any of those things actually but I did abuse food) , I bought the clock for my kitchen.

I have been eyeing it for sometime. It's slate actually, with antique B&W paris postcards decoupaged onto it. It was a little but pricey but not a killer. I was planning to spend between 30-50 dollars so this was right in the budget.

The minute I clicked the Pay now button, I felt 2000 % better. I also felt weird because I don't usually shop to ease pain. I don't like shopping most of the time. I don't have the patience to be honest. So, this was a little bit strange.

But not altogether unpleasant.

I also recognize the behaviour change from eating to shopping and I like that replacing eating with something else is good, I just have to be prudent with it so I don't break the bank.

I think the difference is, I have been wanting this clock for months. I have been saving the money and had set it aside. I was waiting, truthfully, for the price to go down.

I just decided to stop waiting and buy it now. So it wasn't the impulse buy that most people would do to ease suffering. Much like binging to ease suffering. Because it makes you feel good. I feel OK wiht the decision to buy it and my on again off again romance with ebay is ingited yet again. I am currently watching 26 items of which I REALLY want about 10. Largely picture frames ( a passion of mine - I have picture EVERYWHERE ) and some candles and a bowl that was discontinues in my china pattern that the cats broke. And a teapot in my china patter discontinued so many years ago I can't believe they are still selling them on ebay.

So the aftermath seems to be realistically harmless and I got my clock for the kitchen.

The other thing that has started happening is my nesting instinct has kicked in. At 10PM last night, I started cleaning off and reorganizing my desk. Even I was surprised. I feel so much better for it too.

Tomorrow I head to PA for my sister-in-law's baby shower. Of course the weather is supposed to be gale force winds and torrential rain. Typical. Last time we went, it was 9 MILLION degrees and I was picking up Wolfi from his foster mom to go to our furever home. All that travel in 9 million degree heat with a 3 month old kitten in the back and stupid traffic at the Holland tunnel.

If I weren't going, I start doing my closets again. Of course there is always Sunday. I really want to take advantage of my mental state to clean house - literally. And I also want to get the furniture I don't want out, and the stuff that I do want ( at brother's house) in.

In closing, my normal organizational skills are heightened and my behaviours are changing now too which is good.

Having a tough time

I'm having a tough time this week. I ate very well in terms of being healthy and making some smart choices, Not every day, but more often than not.

I didn't attend my meeting today because I had a gig. Nothing major but I had a gig, and it nicely allowed me to sleep in a bit. My lesson got canceled. so there it is.

I have been enable to work out since Monday due to this issue with my knee. I strained it Monday and knew immediately that I was going to pay for that move dearly ( I stepped on the step wrong). Not being able to work out made me realize some things:

1. I do like it. Go figure
2. I really feel like my head is in the weight loss game when I am working out regularly
3. I don't have as much stress when I get regular strenuous activity.

I am doing the Firm body Sculpting II and I love it. So not being able to do it is a really challenge for me and I am STILL retaining water which is driving me nuts.

More importantly I am not seeing the losses at the scale that I would like. Its going down but not with the numbers I feel I should be seeing at this point.

My goal is to be 10 pounds lighter by my recital. More would be nice but 10 is my goal.

My knee is almost better, enough that I could walk tomorrow and maybe monday or tuesday start the firm again with low impact. I'm trying to take it slow, but its making me frustrated to not work out at all.

At least now I have stated my goal, in the positive and I know the steps that I need to take to get there. Cheer me on!

"I see" said the blind man

Today was my followup appointment at the opthamologist. I have been going quite frequently since the corneal abrasion on 9.23.06, so this is just one visit of many!

This time I went armed with my list of concerns and issues.

Q. I am on Prednisone drops for the eyes. Is this going to cause vision issues??
A. Not in drop form, but in ointment form, yes it could.

Q. Your nurses continue to tell me that my vision with the glasses is still 20/20 and without hasn't changed from 20/25 in right eye and 20/20 in left, so why am I having MORE trouble seeing without my glasses than ever before?? I shouldn't need them all the time and I seem to.

A. That has nothing to do with your actual vision. You have some swelling around the tear ducts in your eyes causing the lids to swell, both upper and lower. This is causing your eyes to tear, but not to moisten the eye properly as the moisture is leaking out rather than working on the eye as it is supposed to. You will need to fill a script for a opthamologic ointment called Tobradex to be used on the outer eyelids and refresh PM on the right eyeball at night before you go to bed. That should help solve the problem. Both eyes are affected so if you don't see an improvement with the one eye, go to both until the tear duct and lids are not so swollen and visible.

Q. All these steroids make me nervous. Especially Prednisone. Is this going to get into my blood stream and cause problems with my body? I also don't need to gain any more weight.

A. Do you have any idea how many bottles of this stuff you would need to take in rapid succession in order to have those things happen? Your kidding with me right?

So, we may have found the root behind why my eyes water so much when the rest of my body is not suffering from allergies. It will take some time, but time is all I've got really.

I don't have to go back until December and my vision should be cleared up by then as far as this blurriness is concerned. I won't need to wear my glasses as much and frankly I don't have anything against them other than the fact that its a hassle and I'm not accustomed to wearing them that much and tend to misplace them a lot.

I am feeling better about this than I have in a long time. I was worried there was scarring on the cornea. I am lucky.

Flexible spending - Just how flexible is it???

I have had a FSA now for about 3 years. My particular one allows me to use a debit card from their company in addition to submitting paper claims.

For those of you unfamiliar with this, in short, this is an account that your company will automatically take pre-tax money from your check and deposit it in this account for you to spend on medical co-pays, prescriptions, child care, OTC meds and supplies etc. Basically, it saves money in the long run.

The IRS has rules for these accounts as well. The FSA company that my place of business uses is called Payflex. They have diferent levels of service as most companies do. For my place of business, we are somewhere in the middle. The rules that the IRS had when I first joined the account 4 years ago, were, any charge on the card that was not an even dollar amount required a receipt to be faxed to them to verify that the card is being used properly.

They changed the rules, but did not notify the plan participants. Now one must submit receipts for every single thing. I think that makes more sense, though there communication skills could be re-vamped a little.

So, let me tell you why I chose this topic today. I logged into the website to verify the status of my card as it was declined and I have an obscene amount of money still available. There is no bill to pay since its prepaid, so I am confused. I can only see the words "permantly inactive" on the screen and my head spins around.

So I call the company and I get a young chick with attitude.... just my luck, someone who likes to fight, working customer service. This aught to be good. I explain my issues to her, she, nicely at first, advised me that new cards had been shipped - in January of 2006. Clearly mine didn't arrive, and my old was working till recently. So I share that with her and she tells me its not possible. Of course, my card activity proves her wrong, which sent her into a tailspin. She reviews the account and tells me that my new card will not be shipped to me until I clear up some receipt paperwork that is missing.

I can't tell you how I reacted but picture Linda Blair and your probably close. I was provided by the individual I was working with 6 items that needed paperwork. I hit the roof because well over half had been provided more than twice and some up to 5 times. with verbal confirmation. I wanted confirmation in writing but they don't do that for paperwork to back up card claims, only paper claims.

So now, I have to spend the time to locate these 6 items in my files, some as far back as 2004. You have to be kidding me. 2004???? Thank goodness it was 20 dollars because the vendor I used may not have the information I need on this if I cannot find it myself.

The other half of the problem is my laptop crashed in July. I lost all my medical records, electronic receipts etc. This means that i have to go back to Medco, CVS and FamilyMeds and hope they can assist me in re-constructing my records so I can have my card released.

It's a pain in the butt however this year my benefits plan is changing and I am going to need this card more than ever. I will now be paying a percentage of prescriptions rather than just a flat fee like this year.

I'm not sure that the title Flexible account is accurate. Though when the card is working its flexible and peace of mind during emergencies, however the upkeep and maintenance is a pain in the butt. Mostly becuase these people operate soley by fax. I would LOVE them to use emails. I put in the suggesstion with psycho girl that they should send email notificiation of receipt of all documentation whether its for a paper claim or a card claim and they should also accept email documentation as well. I'm not holding my breath but it would sure make things easier for me.

Oktoberfest

Today I went to an Oktoberfest at the rectory of our Church, hosted by my priest. What a great time I had.

Being a weight watcher and really serious about it now. ( That Cornea thing really burned me!) I saved up an extra 12 points to be able to accommodate the food that was sure to be there. This is, after all, a church gathering of adults and our motto is "Give them food and they will come!". And they always do.

I specifically did not eat dinner but had a snack that I planned for but did not plan enough for. I wanted a 3 point snack and I was at Dunkin Donuts getting my coffee, so I ordered what was sure to be an over priced cookie, sight unseen, and that was my first mistake. It was bigger than my hand. My three point cookie rapidly went to 5 plus my coffee so there goes that.

Being smart ( or being a "smart cookie" as Poodle would say), I compensated by drinking half a beer rather than an entire one. I had two brat's and one slice of cake. I was not only proud of myself, I wasn't hungry for anything else either.

On the exercise scene, I did the body sculpting session today ( 55 minutes) and did the entire thing, somewhere between beginner and advanced, depending on the moves. I haven't felt this good in a long time. So the answer is slowly but surely its starting to phase in the way I want to be so it doesn't bite anymore.

Back to Oktoberfest, the food was delicious. The Beer was wonderful. I hadn't been in the rectory since Fr Christopher came to town and it looks wonderful. I spent some time talking with what surely should have been my twin, she has the same name and spelling as mine and we share the same birthday - what are the odds of that? We are both musicians. She teaches my god daughter in school and we both sing with the same group in different seasons..... it's kind of weird to be honest. I sing with her mom in our church choir and I absolutely adore her! So it was kind of cool to be able to socialize with my twin and her husband tonight, they usually have the kids and they are so adorable but at a tough age for the parents to be able to socialize.

Both of us being musicians and singing with the same director during different seasons, she and her husband are going to come to the concert in November. I think I am going to have the two of them and her mom over for dinner some night. That would be fun. We'll talk about it in the morning at church.

All in all it was a nice and successful evening. I am really happy I was able to get there. I also wore a pair of pants I haven't even attempted to wear in two years and they looked pretty good.

I showed a big gain at the scales this morning, but honestly this has been a crazy week and I could make excuses but the reality is I had an awards banquet on Thursday, my cycle started on Friday and I am evidently retaining water in the event of a drought. I couldn't even put my rings on this morning and they were big on me to start with. By this evening I stood on my scale and some of the water has finally left my body. I am just watching the sodium intake to make sure that isn't playing a part.

Tomorrow I will try to start Pilate's. I need to keep some variety going or I get bored. I think got "it" back!

Miscellaneous Stuff

This is a short post to let you know what's going on and I'll do a more detailed post tomorrow or later.

Tonight is the Installation to the Board of directors for the community service group that I am receiving the award for. The award presentation will be tonight as well. I am also being installed as a director. I am wearing the red dress and black shoes from the wedding as the dress I had ordered is back-ordered. sad. But I am sitting here with rollers in my hair getting ready to go. I am warming up my voice as I am also singing the National Anthem and trying to find a reasonable key which is looking like B Flat at the moment.... not my choice but people tend to join in so I try to make it reasonable. My personal choice for anyone who cares is D major. No one asked - but just in case !

Last night was the my first board meeting with this crew and it went really well - some awesome ideas. This looks to be an awesome year. I'll submit some pics when I get them.

The work out yesterday actually allows me to still move though I feel every movement I make amplified. I will continue because as luck would have it - I feel great. So it blows a little less.

OK Have to run - have to finish some work and get my hair out of rollers, I do look wired for sound!

Wow exercize kinda blows

I'm sure I'll change my mind as I do more of it, but I have to tell you, exercize kinda blows.

I used to like it. I used to be addicted to it.

I can't imagine what happened and why I don't like it anymore.

I am the kind of person that has to be successful at what I do. I go after all the information available, test lots of different things - trial and error, I work hard to get better at whatever I take on.

So To start a program of exercize that I hve been wildly successful in my past and suck at it, really pissed me off. I have been walking steadily though so I was able to get more than halfway through the first 55 minute session. Not much past the halfway mark, but past it none the less which made me happy. I was exhausted after and thinking seriously about a nap. I didn't take one, just hydrated and then ate my lunch.

I know that I need to do this, and I know that I want to do this. The fire is lit inside me to get better at this. The benefit of course is that I will look better too. And my clothes will fit. Oh and I'll be healthy too - yeah I know that should have been first but life's full of choices. LOL

The Weight watchers plan is working great, my losses are small but mighty. My bigger issue is I am reacting heavily to sodium - more so than normal and I am assuming it has to do with the weather too. There has to be a way to make good foods without that much sodium. Seriously. I don't want to have to do EVERYTHING from scratch. I don't have that kind of time.

At the end of the day I am going to my program of 3 days a week ( MWF) for a couple of months and then see where we are at. My Goal is to be doing 100% of the workout with weights where I am supposed to in 3 months. If I can manage that, then changing the frequency or adding pilates is next. Depends on my mood.

But today was the hardest. It should get easier moving forward.

and there goes my patience

After the raw rough emotion of the weekend I woke up much more content back to my old self.

Except that I have a short fuse.

Now, those of you who know me know I have a fairly long fuse but when we get to the end - run for cover. I am, after all, my father's daughter.

I worked today. I had a lot of things to get done. I am dealing with the move of my order entry hub from MO to Buenos Aires. I have to be honest here, this move is quite possibly the worst decision I have had to deal with. And I had nothing to do with it.

I spend an inordinate amount of time, explaining to them how they need to write my orders, how fast it needs to be done and I am escalating right and left to get things done in a timely fashion as there really isn't an reasonable explanation I can provide to my customer for delays outside of 48 hours.

Not that I am expecting any of you to have to deal or even understand this, but the extra time that I need to take out of day to manage them when I didn't have to manage the weldon Springs, MO group at all is making me nuts.

So my patience was short to start with, its Monday and this is taking up most of my time.

For my job I keep several different instant message systems up. AOL occasionally, Lotus notes Sametime and Windows Communicator. I like Communicator the best out of all three, in the event you were wondering about my opinion. One thing that is a pet peeve of mine, is people who have entire conversations on it in place of the phone. Now it's one thing when you are on a conf call, but something else entirely when I am just sitting here working on my spreadsheets. My true pet peeve about it largely deals with the fact that if I am just sitting here typing conversation back and forth with my co-workers than chances are neither of us is getting much done. sure once in a blue on a slow day during the moratorium maybe but every day I have co-workers who do this. Then to hit me line after line after line while I am trying to respond to the first comment?????

Normally, I yell at the lap top and tell whoever it is to shut up. today I was so incensed with my lack of patience that I shut all three down altogether. I offered up the suggestion to call me while I am typing so as not to seem anti-social. I wanted to chat but I really had to get this stuff done. I don't want to be pressured tomorrow like I am every week to get all these reports out and the client was on holiday today so I was making the most of a semi day off. I also have a truckload of orders to put in tomorrow.

I was a little bit stressed about teaching today too.... I was afraid that I would lose my patience with my kids but I was OK with them. They can pull me out of that mood really easily which is my patience isn't suffering now. I taught Gil and Jen today and they did pretty good.

So now I am driving home and it's dark out, I can't find my glasses and I notice that my right eye ( the one that had the torn cornea) vision has degraded substantially. everything is blurry until I am close enough to touch it. This is not acceptable to me. I have a sinking feeling that this is scarring of the cornea and I am praying that can be addressed. The other thing that scares me is the steroid drops degrading the vision. I have an appt on the 20th. So I am trying to adjust to this. My left eye is perfect - no problem. I am planning to call the doctor tomorrow though just to ask about this.

I had called my best friend, Jax, last night while sitting in the drive through line at McD's for the eternity that it seemed like. She called me back this evening between kids. she couldn't believe how angry I was last night and how impatient I was today. I know that this is part of my grieving process - I recognized it immediately.

Its getting back to normal around here! Slowly Slowly....

the last Indian standing

Tonight was the last funeral and it was the hardest for me. Yesterday was Larry's. I loved Larry, but he was ill for a long time and I think he died of a broken heart. Tonight was Doris'. That was particularly rough as she only went to the hospital - perfectly healthy I might add - to have cataract surgery. The minister at the memorial service was barely getting through the service himself. I found myself crying during his sermon. Doris was a COOL lady and she was 79. Her husband is devastated. and I don't blame him.

Anyway after all these services, I realized that I was not fit company for polite civilized company. So I walked out of my rehearsal very early as everything there was pissing me off and went home. On my way I stopped and had a big mac, I can't tell you how long its been since I have eaten one of those. The drive through line had three cars on it and we were there for 20 minutes. evidently the first car was getting enough food to send to the troops overseas. Once we got there they handed me my order and I drove home. I normally check before pulling away for accuracy. Hell, most of the kids working there don't even necessarily speak English THAT well. I didn't and I was sorry - the Iced Tea I asked for came to me as Hi-C. I was a little bit annoyed. Just one more thing to add to my night.

Since I know I am angry I opted to not talk on the phone. though I did return some calls to people who weren't home, so I didn't speak to them just to their machines and warned them nicely not to call back tonight. I spoke to one friend of mine who knows how I can be at these times and is very calming. After that, I played a computer game that required major concentration. I needed something to focus my aggressions on and this seemed to be the ticket as no one gets hurt ( well except for the witches and wizards in the game and I am telling you that stupid dragon is gonna be next!). I am feeling better after that game to be honest. I could be fit for polite society again after all. I just left with a lot of rage and anger tonight. All the little stuff I normally do not care about was just aggravating me to the point of anger.

I needed quiet time today and seriously was not getting it. I tried to watch a movie and lay down but i picked the wrong movie. I chose Syrianna. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD choice. I couldn't focus and I had really been interested in seeing this. I was disgusted and annoyed after the first 40 minutes and fell asleep - for 10 minutes when the phone rang, the rest of my afternoon went right along the same way. So I gave up, showered and got ready for the memorial service. You know the rest.

Its too much to have this many deaths and one pending happen so fast. It looks like my grandmother has spit in the eye of death one more time as she will be released from the hospital to a nursing home for a short term visit temporarily. That will give my mom the chance to recharge her batteries as she is suffering too. Lack of sleep, stress and always wondering and worrying what happens next. She started working out and I am going to do the same starting tomorrow. It's just better over all to manage my stress.

I'll be better after a good nights sleep. Lord knows I need it. I am headed there as soon as friends is over ( 10 minutes from now). I'll be better in the morning once I have one day not to be in a church of mourners. I am feeling sad for these families. I even feel sad for Diva's husband. I know what this feels like from their perspective. I still want to call my dad on the phone and tell him things. I forget sometimes. Its normal, I am told by my priest. I talk to him about these things when the going gets rough, which helps. We are the same age within months and we get along great.

Anyway - things will be back to normal in the morning - I will be my normal chipper self!

I figured out why I am so Blue

For the past week I have been a little bit down. Not so much that most people would notice, but those close to me did. I had no idea why - it just hit me.

Nothing major, no crying jags. Just not feeling "my usual bouncy" self. Less bounce to ounce so to speak. There really wasn't anything I could put my finger on. Fall is here and I LOVE this season, the weather, the colors, the clothing, the food, the smells - I mean YUM. So this melancholy that descended on me was kind of weird.

Physically I am feeling ok. Work is no more stressful than it normally is. My family is doing OK. Except for my step dad's mom. She's ill and she's in the hospital. Her mind has been drifting to the past a lot lately more and more and things haven't been going well there. She is 101. It's not too uncommon but it is sad as she's a tough strong independent woman. She has her opinions and she is super lady - so this is difficult to watch and my parents are having a tough time with her at home.

That alone isn't enough to bring on this melancholy though it is certainly a contributing factor. Then when I really got to thinking about that, it occured to me that last week Dennis passed away at age 50. Then today Howie, our IT guy in my NYC office, passed away from a sever asthma attack. That was kind of freaky being an asthmatic myself. They pulled the plug on the life support with him. It happened over the weekend. Then it occurred to me that my friend of 25 years is doing the same thing with her mother on Monday. Which is really sad for me as her parents are so wonderful and I adore them so. As if that wasn't enough, Larry passed away yesterday and though he was older and suffered from Parkinsons, he was a friend of my step mom's parents ( I knew her father well).

Just when you think, who else could possibly die that the Contessa knows? Diva's husband's grandmother ( who raised him).

No one specifically close to me, but I knew all of these people well. I would grieve anyway but this was like a slam dunk for me. 5 people in 9 days.

I am reasonably sure that the melancholy is due to this.

I have a few funerals to attend now. I will be singing at Larry's with my church choir on Saturday morning. I did not attend the funeral for Diva's Husband grandmother. I don't feel guilty about that either. Neither one of them has been "friends" of mine for over a year now. Almost 2 actually. Her husband is still very angry though I am unclear on why he is angry with me. I also no longer care. The point is I was not comfortable with this so I did not go, but I did send a card. Whatever takes place with Doris I will be there in whatever capacity that Nancy wants me to be.

I had to pick and choose the funerals to attend you see. I still can't "do" funerals real well since my dad passed 3 years ago. I can handle them to a degree but I don't do the viewings if I can avoid it and I prefer to "work" the funeral in an official capacity as soloist even for those I know as it keeps me focused.

I will say that writing it here was very cathartic for me. I feel the haze lifting as I type to be honest. At least I know what caused this melancholy is so I can deal with it.

The bird never flies far from the nest

Many people didn't believe me when I said that being the only unmarried child in my family didn't bother me. But it's true.

I say this because Autumn is here. My housekeeper left after cleaning house on Monday and I walked in to a peaceful environment. And a sweeping sense on contentment filled me. I started to think about what it would be like to share my space with someone that I had vowed to love till death do we part. I don't know if I know HOW to share on those terms. I'm sure I can learn - most people do. It just occurred to me that at this point in time I am not sure that I want to compromise. Anything.

Thats not to say that if the right man came along and all things being equal, I would say "sorry not willling to compromise". I'm not stupid. But I'm not kiling myself looking right now.

So now that its fall, I come home, I turn on my rock fountain in the foyer, remove my shoes and survey my home. You know what I see? I see my humidifier humming quietly in the corner ( It does not need to in the summer as the humidity is higher) keeping my skn and my piano healthy, my candles waiting to be lit and fill the air with pumpkin or fireside smells ( in summer its clean cotton or ocean side), my kitchen with it's homey french provincial wall paper, my bathroom with the multitude of bath salts and bubble baths and my bedroom with my wicker ceiling fan and the most comfortable bed on earth. And I am filled with a sense of calm. I always wanted my home to have this feeling when I arrived in it. I have the foundation in place and I intend to continue it.

The other things that make me so content now are my food systems ( lots of slow cooking in croc pots, different cheeses, roasts, stews and soups) and my exercize routines. I hate working out in the heat. Mostly what happens to me in the fall is the basic nesting instinct. I spend a lot more time cooking for myself good wholesome healthy foods, I pull out my fall and winter clothes, my snuggly pj's, drink hot tea and mostly I organize like mad.

I did my kitchen cabinets over the weekend. I completed re-organized them now that I have lived with this kitchen for two years. The cabinets originally made sense, now they make MORE sense and I am finding it easier to keep them this way. Clothing closets are next.

Fall is truly one of my favorite seasons. I think I am the best version of myself in the fall. The colors I love, the smells, the weather, the foods. All of these things make me happy and give me that overall sense of peace and contentment. I looked back on previous falls in my life and it always makes me feel peaceful.



I was talking that over today with my friend Jenna. She and I live close by and try to meet for coffee on the days that all 4 of her kids are in school. Today we were going to meet in a starbucks that honestly, I thought I knew how to get there however I got lost and we were short on time to start with. So she picked up my coffee for me and we ended up back at her house. We had our coffee and caught up. We talked about men( because we ALWAYS do that - both hers and mine! ), we talked about jobs, mutual friends, meanwhile her 3 year old daughter was cooking for us in the pretend kitchen. We got around to talking about fair weather friend and how we are going to have dinner soon. We were talking about different foods and what not. We found out that we both LOVE fall. We can't get enough of it. The clothes, the food, the colors, the hair, the holidays.



I found that to be so funny that she feels the same way about this season. Its not a common discussion point - I don't normally ask my friends "What is the best season for to feel like the best version of you?" That's a crazy question. But we both do.



we are not going be having our Halloween party this year and it almost feels weird. Usually we are running around planning our costumes. So this is another weird thing.





All in all - this fall feels nice, the weather is cool enough and sleeping is good. I am content.

Bless all the animals

In honor St. Francis, My little episcopal church did a blessing of the animals.

Wolfi usually makes an appearance. He likes the activity, being outside, seeing his buddies.

Bandit is not exactly sociable. In fact for the first year I wasn't sure he even liked me. However he turned a corner and now loves to cuddle and play. He's just not as "Hey look at me!!!!" as Wolfi is.

Needless to say I got out the BIG carrier and bribed Bandit with treats. I got him in. Closed the door and picked up the other little man and the sneak got it and booked under bed - in the middle.

I'm out of time, so Wolfi is the only one going. One minor hitch, he hates the carrier and made that clear with the "car meow". You cat owners will be familiar (new cat owners be prepared) with this phenomenon. Your seemingly nice cat who meows quietly or even the rambunctious raucous ones during play, will be AMAZED at the sound and depth of the meow of a cat in the car.

We aren't even on the elevator yet - and he starts that. I blame myself. When he made the hospital trip, the carrier was MIA so he rode in the car without it. So he knows the difference and it wasn't that long ago.

I get there nice and early so that as it starts to fill up the noise level goes up slowly. He's doing OK - I take him out of the carrier as I want him not to be at the same level as the dogs on leashes. He's much more relaxed and happy that way. I make sure he and I are first on line after the prayers. He loves Fr. Christopher. He's been to the house twice to visit and Wolfi just loves him. It's mutual. Most people who meet either of them tend to love them so it's no stretch that they love each other.

I put him in the car with his carrier and I sit with him. I am waiting for my step mom to get the dog blessed. wolfi is not entirely fond of Liesel but that's OK.

It was a wonderful day and the blessing was a success. For my own part, the best was when I got home and released Wolfi. He ran right up to Bandit, they stood nose to nose chatting amongst themselves. If I had to imagine what they were saying it would have gone like this:

"Wow I'm back - man you should have been there!"
"Really what was it like???"
" Well the big box with the cage was a drag, but the big one who calls herself Mama took me out when we got there, only she held me the whole time"
"There's no WAY you were getting me in that box"
" It wasn't so bad, once you get used to it - its kind of roomie"
" She wouldn't have let me out. You know I used to LIVE outside - I was born there"
" So was I, hello, do you EVER listen to me?"
" So who was there? Anyone I know?"
" Liesel was there, she's gotten big - she had on a HIDEOUS collar. Tigger couldn't' make it, his mom had no time to get home. Sammy was there, but he and Liesel aren't speaking - I don't know why but I'm sure Freckles was involved.
" Freckles? I heard he got the axe!"
"Nah - he moved that's all"
"Anyone else - Any "newbies"?
" some new dog - not sure what her deal is, she looks like she's been through the mill - we talked a bit, but she won't say who did those things to her. She's getting help though. There was another cage with some babies of our kind. Tigger's mom seemed interested since she lost one. Luther won't like it though I can tell you. "
" Wow sounds like a lot of folks turned out for this one"
" yeah - they had those snacks that you chase and Catch too. Mama wouldn't let me near them though."
" I LOVE those. Darn I should have gone.
" Let's go lay down I've had a long day."
" Sounds Good!"

My boys like to dish! And me without my camera..... Sad.